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Original poster

New partner has confessed eating disorder

90 replies

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 20:56

I started seeing someone around 2 months ago and as a foodie myself, noticed pretty soon in that he has a very bad relationship with food. He has lost around 10 stonr over the last 10 years so I put it down to this. But the other night he confessed that he is bulimic and has been for 7 years now. He eats very little and most of thar is brought straight back up again. It all makes sense now looking back over our dates and his refusal to go out for a proper dinner date etc. But I honestly don't know what to do from here. I am the first person he has ever told, not even his family or mother of his child know. I do really like him and I'm starting to care for him a lot but I'm struggling with this. He said he doesn't want to stop as it's just part of his life now but I can't see how we can grow as a couple with him doing this. We've had a big heart to heart which resulted in him getting really upset because I asked how he'd feel if he found out his daughter was living like this. I've also pointed out the side affects, organ failure, rottng teeth etc. Tbh his teeth aren't great already and I had noticed a musky smell about him which I couldn't place before but now I think it's sick. It's not repelling so I wasn't put off by it before but now I know what it is...

I just don't know where to go from here. The selfish side of me is saying get out now while you can, I'm a single mum of 3 (2 of which are ASD) Do I need this?? I'm also a massive foodie as above and I love going out for meals, all Inc holidays etc. None of which I feel Ill be able to comfortably do with him (even though he's really keen to go away!?) And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Kilorrery · 19/06/2023 08:16

CLAMP.

Notfeelinglikemyselftoday · 19/06/2023 08:18

End it. I say this from experience. It definitely will impact your children, as it did me.

Dumpruntime · 19/06/2023 08:44

I’d end it, I am friends with a couple where they are both bulimic. Honestly it’s incredibly difficult on holidays and nights out with them, food is a constant battle. Constant. And what’s worse is they make constant judgey comments. Neither of them wish to stop. From a friendship basis it’s very difficult

things like days out, come lunch time, they snark they don’t want lunch. They eat nothing for breakfast or everything and throw it up. They won’t order at dinner then eat everyone else’s. It’s a constant point of tension . They make you feel shit for wanting dinner. It makes social events very very difficult, we love them and have known them decades, but I can honestly say if they weren’t part of the group it would be game over due to it. We all find it an utter tense nightmare.

Ireolu · 19/06/2023 09:15

Eating disorders can be really difficult to treat even if a person is willing to have treatment. He's not even considering it. A long lasting relationship won't be possible if he keels over with a funny heart rhythm as a result of purging. Leave. It's not worth it.

PinkFootstool · 19/06/2023 09:20

He's said he doesn't want to stop. That's enough of a reason for you to walk away.

He has issues he knows he has. Great.

He's not prepared to work on them. Not great.

With two young kids with SEN, you absolutely don't want to be with someone who is still so entrenched in their mental health condition that they scoff at the idea of managing it or dealing with it.

Bulimia is complex and will absolutely have an effect on you and your kids in the longer term.

Tell him to get some help and say goodbye.

BillyNoM8s · 19/06/2023 09:25

Run and don't feel bad about it.

He's not even interested in helping himself, so you're just expected to adapt to live around his eating disorder? Absolutely not. That's quite the red flag and abusive in my opinion. Very selfish.

StrawberryWaterIce · 19/06/2023 09:32

Don't do it. Sounds harsh but this person wasn't even part of the your life 3 months ago so you are under no obligation to support them through some major battles. I had a long term relationship with a man with ED and those were truly wasted years. We had some good moments but he was a selfish, obsessive and self-hating person. It just became too exhausting after a while. You're constantly trying build up someone's self esteem, tiptoeing around their food issues and then watching them wallow in self-loathing.

I also feel that ED in males are harder to treat and have more complex roots than the type of female ED that began in puberty. Society is also more accepting of females seeking and going through treatment whereas males have to deal with additional stigma on top. In any case, it's not your responsibility in any way. You've only known this person for 2 months so cut your losses and run.

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 09:34

I'd end it just for his utter stupidity in having such a self-damaging compulsion and no intention of doing anything to change it.

User34352515 · 19/06/2023 09:34

Dumpruntime · 19/06/2023 08:44

I’d end it, I am friends with a couple where they are both bulimic. Honestly it’s incredibly difficult on holidays and nights out with them, food is a constant battle. Constant. And what’s worse is they make constant judgey comments. Neither of them wish to stop. From a friendship basis it’s very difficult

things like days out, come lunch time, they snark they don’t want lunch. They eat nothing for breakfast or everything and throw it up. They won’t order at dinner then eat everyone else’s. It’s a constant point of tension . They make you feel shit for wanting dinner. It makes social events very very difficult, we love them and have known them decades, but I can honestly say if they weren’t part of the group it would be game over due to it. We all find it an utter tense nightmare.

Holy shit, my emetophobia could not begin to deal with that 😂!! But how do they even live everyday life? Must be hell, like two alcoholics egging each other on.

OrlandointheWilderness · 19/06/2023 09:37

You have children of an age vulnerable to things like this, for their sake end it. This is not a good start.

DumboNoMore · 19/06/2023 09:39

I am bullimic, have been for best part of 10 years. I’ve had periods of recovery but then relapse. Currently on month 7 of recovery. It’s a disease that will never leave me. Every day is a battle.
You need to end it with him. How my partner has stuck by me I’ll never know. This illness makes me selfish, sneaky and obsessed. I’m desperate to recover for good and I’m trying so so hard but it affects all areas of my life.
in the kindest way possible, you’d be bonkers to stay with him.

AnotherVice · 19/06/2023 09:42

And don't let your children become attached to someone who ultimately will kill themselves if they don't get treatment.

gannett · 19/06/2023 09:48

And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

The trouble with this line of thinking is that you've taken on the responsibility for his illness. That shouldn't be the case. You can't make him better and, if you leave, it's not your fault if he doesn't get better. The bulimia exists independently of you. The only people who can actively fix it are this man himself, by acknowledging it and seeking help - which he hasn't - and medical professionals.

A long-term partner might want to support someone they've built a life with already through an illness, but even in those cases they bear no responsibility for the outcome. And you've only known him two months.

You can - and should - encourage him in the strongest terms to seek professional help, and to confide in his close friends and/or family. That's the extent of the support you can provide. You shouldn't try to do it in the context of a relationship where you're already incompatible and that has the danger of dragging you and your children down.

LividHot · 19/06/2023 09:54

No no no.

Similarly to if he was an alcoholic or gambling addict. The impact on the family dynamic will be incomprehensible.

I understand the saviour complex thing. And female socialisation telling you not to let down someone struggling. But run. Fast.

canigetitmyself · 19/06/2023 09:55

I think you could gently encourage him to seek help but if he's not willing then long term, I couldn't be with somebody who had this issue. Similar to alcoholism or other addictions. What happens if ypu move in together?

What about holidays? Is he going to be barfing in the hotel room every day?

canigetitmyself · 19/06/2023 09:58

Actually you won't be doing him any favours by staying and 'putting up' with the illness

Whattodo112222 · 19/06/2023 09:59

Prioritise yourself and your children.
There is a lot more than just the bringing up of food..
It's the emotional and mental challenges of such an eating disorder.
You're at a point now where if you leave. It will hurt but you'll get over it quicker. If you're more invested, it'll be harder to leave.

Whattodo112222 · 19/06/2023 10:00

You also can't "save" him

MagicBullet · 19/06/2023 10:01

It’s great he is feeling so comfortable with you that he told you when he hasn’t told anyone else.
However, it’s not you’re told to save with, or even help him get through it. Your guilt is misplaced Imo.

you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship

And that is NOT going to happen because he doesn’t want to change. He thinks it’s part of who he is etc…. So what he is asking you is to support him in his bulimia!!! To be an active supporter.
I couldn’t support someone in actively hurting themselves. I just couldn’t.
And I couldn’t just stand by either, accepting he is slowly making himself very ill.
Thats Wo even talking about what shape your relationship could take, how it would affect the dcs etc etc

MagicBullet · 19/06/2023 10:02

it’s not you’re told to save with,

that was supposed to be…
it’s not your role to save him!!

catsnhats11 · 19/06/2023 10:08

It's not just the food that's an issue though is it, that's a symptom of the underlying problem, it's a serious mental illness and he refuses to seek help. On that basis I'd be out.

Blibbleflibble · 19/06/2023 10:22

I wouldn't leave someone just because they were bulemic but I would leave someone (especially only after a few months) who was not actively seeking medical help and counseling to manage their condition.

Not only are you incompatible on a surface level (ie you're a foodie) but you also have children to think about and I wouldn't introduce them to anyone who was not actively seeking therapy for a quite serious mental and physical health condition. Xx big hugs OP.

TheCatterall · 19/06/2023 10:35

Do you want a lifetime of having to plan social events and holidays around his eating disorder @Kayos10 .

Never really enjoying food again as you’re conscious of his eating disorder that he’s quite happy to live with and isn’t interested in doing anything about.

His health will deteriorate more. You’ll end up in a care role for his mental and physical well being at some point.

Your kids will start to pick up on his issues (I pity his children!)…

imagine another 20 or 30 years of this…

Or end it now as it’s an unsuitable relationship with someone that really needs to do some work on himself because all he’s bringing to a relationship is emotional baggage and an eating disorder.

mindutopia · 19/06/2023 11:08

I would think of it the same way you would an addiction. Someone who you are in a longterm relationship with, who you've built a life with, who develops an addiction, it's in your interests, to a healthy extent, to stick by them to support them getting help and getting healthy again. But its very early days to be committing so much of your energy to someone who isn't even willing to get help for a very serious issue.

PinkMendinilla · 19/06/2023 11:19

Parisj · 19/06/2023 07:53

I'd say I'm really glad you were able to tell me. I hope you will consider telling someone else close in your life, and ultimately seeking advice from your GP (at least for the sake of stomach and teeth health). If I met you in two years and you had sought help, got on top of it, and were treating yourself well, then I would really respect that and if I was single I would want to go on a date. Right now, I'm looking for fun, to enjoy meals with someone, and to see someone who is respectful and compassionate to themselves. I have a lot of respect for you not lying about it, I hope you move on from it (it's not your friend).

This is a very compassionate suggestion but I think if OP says this, he will inevitably reply saying he will change, he wants to, the relationship is worth it an maybe there will be a flurry of GP appointments etc but ultimately he doesn't want to. He needs to reach that conclusion himself, not because of a girlfriend of 2 months. This puts the OP in the position of either getting involved in that, or having to essentially say 'I don't want to be with you because of your ED even though you've said you want to get help'. Personally I think keep it general.