What causes my husband to be so hurtful?

[InternetStranger84]

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, comfort or a space to vent.

I’ve been with my husband 12 years, married 2. We have 2 very young children. In the earliest days, he could be a bit off if he was in a mood but nothing like I see now. At his worst, I would describe him as being entitled with a victim mentality; he likes his own way, and can be quite manipulative sometimes to get there, e.g., sulking, silent treatment etc. I’ve seen him treat immediate family members this way too, but never friends or colleagues, of which he has many. I never saw this side to him before our friendship progressed to a relationship, and he has been loving, supportive and thoughtful at times whilst we’ve been together.

Recently, his moods change quickly and you can almost feel it when they do. He thinks I’m always ‘on his back’ but when I ask specifically what he means (because if I am, I would gladly address anything I’m doing to impact him to stop the atmosphere being so awful!) he doesn’t give any examples, just tells me I make him miserable/he hates when I’m like this. He often avoids discussions and keeps a record, even if things seem good between us, of the things I say or do to use against me to prove he’s right.

In the last month, he’s become increasingly personal with his comments, and I mean deeply deeply hurtful, to the extent that I started to wonder if I even have a purpose. He suggested my children would be better off without me and said I have no friends. He’s not completely wrong; I have few friends, especially in comparison to him, but I’m quite an introvert and prefer quality over quantity; I know it can be seen as weird when someone doesn’t have many friends, it’s something I’m very aware of.

There are positives and we are sometimes happy. I know I’m not perfect, but I never do anything to intentionally hurt him and I certainly wouldn’t do anything to encourage the way he’s been acting towards me. I’m willing to address anything I’m contributing to our situation in order to improve it. I’ve suggested counselling but he just sort of mocks the suggestion, in the same way he mocks the idea that I’m getting really close to being done.

I feel really alone.

What causes my husband to be so hurtful?

He's a gaslighting abusive prick, that's what causes it.

You and your children would be better off without him.
you deserve better you really do.

He sounds like an abuser.

Suggesting that your kids would be better off without you is reprehensible, despicable abuse. It could cause a person with my problems to take their own life.

He is not worthy of a partner or family.

Men like this rarely change.

*mh

Your entire post suggests you should get rid of him tbh.

You can get UC if you work few enough hours/get low enough income, UC gets you 85% childcare paid 0(capped around 1650 a month, old check the figure).

You should have a read of Lundy Bancroft; why does he do that.its about physical abuse but covers all types of abuse and gets inside their mindset

They don't change permanently.

What business is it of his how many friends you have? He sounds like he is a total hypocrite in front of his friends. If they saw the real him who is so nasty to his wife he could end up with no friends.
I think saying your children would be better off without you is on the extreme end of nastiness. You cannot be in a relationship with this man as he is doing everything to put you down. Not in little ways but in order to destroy you.
I would go in very strong and say he needs to leave as you are not going to live with his nasty, abusive comments. Get angry. Don't be trying to find ways you can change. He is not a good man.

God he sounds tedious, picky, boring.

Like this is all your fault

He likes to keep you under his moody control

This isn't a marriage

Are you going to put up with this forever? Always being the wrong one
No matter what YOU do HE will never get happy, unless he is with friends.

I mean you are going to get blamed for something anyway so might as well get hung for a sheep than a lamb, have you tried just looking at him and calmly saying "you are a total disappointment as a husband"

I would gladly address anything I’m doing to impact him to stop the atmosphere being so awful

He's not doing this. You're trying to carry the weight of the whole relationship, by looking at your behaviours and what you can do to make things better. What's wrong with you as you are? Nothing. What's wrong with your relationship? He does shitty things, and that makes you feel shitty. That's it.

He's being shitty. If you want to psychoanalyse him, that's fine, but do it from somewhere where your feelings are protected, and make that your priority. The first person you need to understand is you. So the question really is 'Why am I psychoanalysing someone who treats me badly and makes me feel bad, rather than prioritising getting away from him?'

Can you answer that question, @InternetStranger84 ?

Classic narcissistic gaslighting behaviour, please go on YouTube and watch Dr Ramani's videos. Before I used it was all my fault but now I know better.

Narcissistic gaslighters are never "off" with friends (well sometimes) but they reserve all their poison for their "romantic" relationships with the opposite/same sex.

Please inform yourself and remember that is not your fault.

Good luck 🤞🏼

Why? Because he can. You can LTB, issue an ultimatum (and stick to it) or prcatise assertive cool responses consitently for a year or so to see if he learns to change his behaviour.

Heres something I wish some had told me when I wasted 20 years with my abusive ex who did to me what your husband is doing. Hes doing it because he wants to hurt you and he gains pleasure from it. He wants to belittle and put you down because it makes him feel like hes the big man who is better than you.

Stop looking for reasons and excuses. This man doesnt even like you, let alone love you. No second chances, no excuses just tell him you are not going to let him hurt you anymore and leave.

You cannot carry on like this - you know what you need to do. Life is too short. 💐

Vile man. I hope you have RL support from your family, colleagues and friends.
Save up a bit of money, and get out of this awful relationship.

Not sure. Because I can’t quite believe it is the way it is maybe? Self esteem issues perhaps? It’s really hard for me to say. I have a very young baby and postpartum has been really difficult. My brain feels a bit mush.

Perhaps I’m only just starting to process everything, his personal comments took me back and really deeply affected me. I couldn’t find the words to express the extent of it to him so I didn’t. I still can’t. I think that may have been my moment of realisation that this is a much bigger issue than I had allowed myself to previously consider.

My husband did exactly the same to me when I was in the deep despair on postnatal depression. Instead of offering help he threatened to take my baby away from me because I wasn't "up to scratch".

You need help and you need help fast

He sounds awful OP

This with bells on.

I didn’t expect so many people to reach out. Thank you for all the advice, comfort and solidarity in sharing your experiences. I’m sorry so many have experienced similar.

If I seen vague/somewhat detached it’s because it’s really hard for me to
comprehend my situation. I avoided dwelling on it too much because I felt like I’d walked myself into it, after all I married him and had children! I really do mean it when I say I feel very alone and would struggle to discuss this with friends and family because I just don’t understand it enough to verbalise. I’ve considered counselling on my own as a way of working out what’s what and where to go next.

I also questioned what was wrong with me, he’s the life and soul of the party, friends and family adore him. And when I say friends, I mean easily 30 people, formed of different groups over time. A solid family/childhood, which again I didn’t have. Really sturdy relationships which left me assuming I was the issue and that there is something wrong with me. How can that many people read a person wrong, right?

I have told him previously his friends would be shocked to hear how he talks to me, and if I question would they do the same to their wives he tells me no because they don’t behave like I do…🤷🏽‍♀️

Please don’t see this as making excuses, but although I am mentally at this point I just don’t know where I would go. I feel immense guilt for how unsettling it would be for my very young children.

I have family, but no one I could fall back on like this. I’m very alone.

What is you definition of abuse?. Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

You’re in an abusive relationship with your husband and he absolutely needs to become your ex husband. Giving you mush head or spaghetti head is par for the course with such men. This is who he is and such men do not change. Your children cannot afford to grow up seeing this example of a relationship and it’s over because of the abuse he meets out to you, and in turn them.

Abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world, it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Do not undergo any form of joint counselling with him. It is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so.

Do contact Women’s Aid, they will talk to you and explain your options going forward.

@Bananaramad nailed it. Mine was like ths too and has been ex for some years now

What's your financial/housing situation OP?

It may well be that you can stay in the house where you are now but you need legal advice and as soon as possible. Contact a couple of local firms of solicitors and seek their advice. You are not as powerless as you think you are.
If anyone should feel guilty here it is your husband, not you. Your children need to grow up knowing that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You can teach them that lesson.

These aren't the actions of someone that loves you. Would you encourage your children to stay in a relationship like this or would you want better for them?
Be their role model. Don't let them grow up thinking this is a normal marriage and men can speak to women like they're shit and above them.
You don't have to leave overnight. Take your time, make plans. Have an exit strategy. Talk to women's aid, and get legal advice on where you stand.
He's the one wrecking the family and unsettling the DC. Not you.

And when he speaks to you like this, completely ignore him. Like toddler taming, ignore the bad behaviour and only respond to him when he talks to you with courtesy.