What causes my husband to be so hurtful?

[InternetStranger84]

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, comfort or a space to vent.

I’ve been with my husband 12 years, married 2. We have 2 very young children. In the earliest days, he could be a bit off if he was in a mood but nothing like I see now. At his worst, I would describe him as being entitled with a victim mentality; he likes his own way, and can be quite manipulative sometimes to get there, e.g., sulking, silent treatment etc. I’ve seen him treat immediate family members this way too, but never friends or colleagues, of which he has many. I never saw this side to him before our friendship progressed to a relationship, and he has been loving, supportive and thoughtful at times whilst we’ve been together.

Recently, his moods change quickly and you can almost feel it when they do. He thinks I’m always ‘on his back’ but when I ask specifically what he means (because if I am, I would gladly address anything I’m doing to impact him to stop the atmosphere being so awful!) he doesn’t give any examples, just tells me I make him miserable/he hates when I’m like this. He often avoids discussions and keeps a record, even if things seem good between us, of the things I say or do to use against me to prove he’s right.

In the last month, he’s become increasingly personal with his comments, and I mean deeply deeply hurtful, to the extent that I started to wonder if I even have a purpose. He suggested my children would be better off without me and said I have no friends. He’s not completely wrong; I have few friends, especially in comparison to him, but I’m quite an introvert and prefer quality over quantity; I know it can be seen as weird when someone doesn’t have many friends, it’s something I’m very aware of.

There are positives and we are sometimes happy. I know I’m not perfect, but I never do anything to intentionally hurt him and I certainly wouldn’t do anything to encourage the way he’s been acting towards me. I’m willing to address anything I’m contributing to our situation in order to improve it. I’ve suggested counselling but he just sort of mocks the suggestion, in the same way he mocks the idea that I’m getting really close to being done.

I feel really alone.

@Bemyclementine mortgaged house, but I’m financially independent, I don’t rely on him. I have looked into it (albeit briefly) and think I could just about manage if I left, it would be really difficult but doesn’t seem impossible. The worsening economic situation is slowly chipping away at my options despite a decent wage, but I think at the moment I could get a small mortgage on my own.

@Bluebells1970 They really are the reason I’ve realised something needs to change. It’s hard for me to process everything as it (seemed to) suddenly culminate but you’re right, if someone else was in this situation I know exactly what I would be telling them.

He sounds like my ex, who was an abusive narcissist. Always wanted things his own way, cut me off from everyone he could in my life whilst belittling me so much I believed I couldn’t manage or cope without him, I was nothing without him. Went out of his way to ruin any of my special occasions, but everyone who he worked with saw him as a stand up guy, on hand to help anyone whilst he did absolutely nothing at home and with DD.

Please, start making a plan to leave. This man does not love you, and things will not change. When someone shows you who they are, you believe them.

I also questioned what was wrong with me, he’s the life and soul of the party, friends and family adore him. And when I say friends, I mean easily 30 people, formed of different groups over time. A solid family/childhood, which again I didn’t have. Really sturdy relationships which left me assuming I was the issue and that there is something wrong with me. How can that many people read a person wrong, right?

Isn't that known as public angel, home devil or something?

I've heard of plenty of guys who are the life and soul of the party, and publicly liked and respected....who are absolute degenerate evil fuckers in their partner/intimate relationships.

This might sound odd, but I think you're in a brilliant position. A bit like being on a springboard. You feel like you're just stood there, but a little movement could send you miles, and the movement is in the questions you're asking. They will catalyse the change you need. Keep questioning, investigating, keep wondering and querying.

And know this: the only thing wrong with you is that you think there might be something wrong with you. All your instincts are right, you know what's comfortable and uncomfortable. The only thing you're doing is not listening to those instincts.

Sounds like you’re married to my ex. He was loved by everyone, a great guy, genuine, helpful, caring, etc. Except behind closed doors he was a bullying gaslighting abusive dick.

Life really is too short to waste it trying to fix other people.

I suspect your self esteem will return in bucketloads after a few months away from this awful man.

Just echoing all the other voices saying he's a common or garden emotionally abusive, manipulative, gaslighting, narcissistic prick. Read up on it. Once you see it, you can't unsee it and you have to leave before the damage it does to you is permanent.

It's a really cold and hard moment when the scales suddenly fall from your eyes and you see things how they really are. It's OK to pause, take a moment, and just accept it. You don't have to rush into anything, in fact it's probably better not to as long as you're not in physical danger. The springboard analogy above is a really good visual picture of where you are. Leap only when you're ready.

As PP have said, @InternetStranger84 , this is him not you. Of course, you’re not perfect. No-one is.

But because he’s abusive, he thinks of you as “less than”, something (and I mean thing) that belongs to him, something not quite human. He may well be modelling what he saw growing up but it doesn’t matter why he’s like this. The brain fog is at least in part caused by the cognitive dissonance of being treated with such contempt by the person who should love and cherish you and in your home which should be a place of safety and comfort for you.

And it is very common for abusers to have a very respectable public face. People who know something about abuse will not be thrown by that.

Now your eyes have been opened and you are starting to process how it is you can start to shake off the blame aspect of this. It isn't you. He is quite simply, a prick who builds himself up by knocking you down. It isnt personal, he knows exactly what to say to bring you down. This knowledge can give you strength. Use this strength. Let whatever he says wash over you, pity him for needing to do this to make himself feel better. Let him rant then ask him if he feels better for it. Keep your head down, look into the financial aspect of separating and prepare yourself, read, learn and grow and aim to get you and your children out of there. Your children need a healthy and happy mum and you will thrive away from this man.

I have told him previously his friends would be shocked to hear how he talks to me, and if I question would they do the same to their wives he tells me no because they don’t behave like I do…🤷🏽‍♀️

Aw bollocks

I seriously doubt they're any better or worse than you.

He's such a martyr, is he? Poor man.

Tell him he only had one life and he needs to be happy. That you can see he's terribly unhappy and you don't want to continue in a relationship that is so clearly not working for him. That you'd most like to.sed him happy in life and he can find a partner like his friends wives and you can coparent constructively. Tell him you'd like to agree on a route to separation that minimises disruption and hurt for the children.

And watch him backtrack and make excuses and squirm like the cowardly abusive wanker he is.

What causes your husband to be such a nasty bastard? He's a nasty bastard, it's not much more complicated than that. Save your energy in trying to work out why, accept that this is who he is and that it's not your fault.

He suggested my children would be better off without me

This is unforgiveable. Let alone the rest of the shit you've been tolerating.

"Please don’t see this as making excuses, but although I am mentally at this point I just don’t know where I would go. I feel immense guilt for how unsettling it would be for my very young children.

I have family, but no one I could fall back on like this. I’m very alone."

Two things.
Is better to divorce now when they won't remember much in the future than divorce when they can already understand some things, especially when they're teenagers that they're already deal with a whole lot of other stuff.

You need friends and family but what you need is professional help. You need a professional to talk to because you sound very down and probably with post natal depression. Friends and family are good to a certain point, they can be well meaning but can say all the wrong things at the wrong time, especially when dealing with that kind of person, ie, "Oh, he is so nice, hard to believe what you're saying".

There's a reason we have qualified therapists and this is a typical situation where lay people won't help you a great deal. Please see a GP and ask for a referral

It's very easy to type LTB, a lot harder to do it, it's often a process that takes a long time.
As others have said contact women's aid, they can help you work through what your feeling and support you as well as providing more practical support when you get to the point where you're ready to leave.
Sending lots of support

Op, you're in a very strong position. Financially independent. Flex your muscles and show your strength.

I get that it's so hard when someone is vile to you. It chips away at you. It's very painful to be told the things you've been told even when it's bullshit.

Watch out though, you might start to believe his crap about you and then, financially independent or not, you're a bit more stuck because psychologically you're very hurt.

My stbx also told me my dcs were better off without me. Among other really nasty stuff too. They are just nasty bastards. That is all.

And stbx's family also don't believe how abusive he is even with an assault charge hanging over him. The dcs and I have felt very alone too but at least we know the truth and are free from him.

You too can be free from your h's nastiness.

Remember, it never gets better. It only ever gets worse.

Also don't be so convinced his friends don't see through him at all. There will be at least one or two who see him for what he is.

And it will be unsettling for your dcs at first but you're their rock and they're very young. They will be fine. You won't be though if you carry on taking this nasty bullshit from your h.

There’s many men who friends and family wouldn’t recognise if they saw them in the family home. My ex is one of them. He is an ex now and has been for many years. He’s not all bad, and I genuinely believe some of it he didn’t know he was doing, other parts he 100% did. I left him as he started ignoring my 15yr old child to get back at me for something. He knew I’d never pick him over my child so guess he wanted a way out. He has regretted it ever since but there’s no going back for something like that (it got much worse than just ignoring too). He won’t change I’m afraid to say

These types of men fail all the time, when you're pregnant, newly given birth, helping rear children, when you're ill, when you find out they've been too friendly with female work colleagues, they never step up.
Special occasions are ruined, or never reciprocated by them to you, holidays are hard work, exhausting treading on eggs shells, you end up with fewer shared friends as basically you're humiliated in how you are treated, worrying that they will show your lack of worth in front of others.

You cannot please these men, no matter what you do they will continuously dissapoint you with their lack of support, and when you have the audacity to complain and reveal your truth they turn up the nastiness.

You need him at the moment, his support and love at a time when you have PND, he doesn't want to help you, that is your job he believes, to make him feel good.
He already has many friends yet he cannot give you one iota of care, he is a selfish abusive twat and completely useless to you.

Take your time to regain your strength and arm yourself with knowledge about the tactics these narcisistic pieces of shit use.

I do hope you manage to escape from him one day, one good thing is you are still young and you have found out that you are not in the wrong, you just didn't understand the dynamic you were in. Now knowledge up and start to build that confidence back up, there are many who completely understand what you are going through.

Feel validated ?

Good because all that work he's done on you to convince you that you are worthless needs to be undone.

“I’m willing to address anything I’m contributing to our situation in order to improve it.”

What will improve it is leaving the abusive prick. You are worth so much more than being treated like shit. Don’t live with it a day longer than you have to. Life is short.

Narcissistic wanker. End of!! Good luck

Your H is a POS narcissistic bully and I'm sorry you are going through this. Having a baby to look after on top of all that must be so emotionally exhausting and no wonder you feel so confused and unable to comprehend the situation!
Be gentle on yourself and reach out to friends/family who you know you can trust to support you so that you don't have to deal with all of this on your own. One thing to maybe help you with being able to communicate to others exactly what is going on would be recording your conversations with him on your phone. May sound strange but my mother has been subjected to my GM's narcissistic abuse her whole life and she sometimes records their phone conversations just so show others exactly the kind of shit that comes out of her mouth.
You deserve so much better and I do hope you find the strength to reach out to someone and to leave him. You will be okay.

You’ve nailed it.

He sounds like a manipulative, gaslighting araehole

He suggested my children would be better off without me and said I have no friends

You can't stop him becauae he is an emotional abuser and he will carry on as long as he can. Unless you leave him, this will only escalate.

Because he's a prick that's why, you deserve so much better.

Mt. Charming personified for everyone apart from you. Behind closed doors an abusive pig. Op he doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. 👍