What causes my husband to be so hurtful?

[InternetStranger84]

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, comfort or a space to vent.

I’ve been with my husband 12 years, married 2. We have 2 very young children. In the earliest days, he could be a bit off if he was in a mood but nothing like I see now. At his worst, I would describe him as being entitled with a victim mentality; he likes his own way, and can be quite manipulative sometimes to get there, e.g., sulking, silent treatment etc. I’ve seen him treat immediate family members this way too, but never friends or colleagues, of which he has many. I never saw this side to him before our friendship progressed to a relationship, and he has been loving, supportive and thoughtful at times whilst we’ve been together.

Recently, his moods change quickly and you can almost feel it when they do. He thinks I’m always ‘on his back’ but when I ask specifically what he means (because if I am, I would gladly address anything I’m doing to impact him to stop the atmosphere being so awful!) he doesn’t give any examples, just tells me I make him miserable/he hates when I’m like this. He often avoids discussions and keeps a record, even if things seem good between us, of the things I say or do to use against me to prove he’s right.

In the last month, he’s become increasingly personal with his comments, and I mean deeply deeply hurtful, to the extent that I started to wonder if I even have a purpose. He suggested my children would be better off without me and said I have no friends. He’s not completely wrong; I have few friends, especially in comparison to him, but I’m quite an introvert and prefer quality over quantity; I know it can be seen as weird when someone doesn’t have many friends, it’s something I’m very aware of.

There are positives and we are sometimes happy. I know I’m not perfect, but I never do anything to intentionally hurt him and I certainly wouldn’t do anything to encourage the way he’s been acting towards me. I’m willing to address anything I’m contributing to our situation in order to improve it. I’ve suggested counselling but he just sort of mocks the suggestion, in the same way he mocks the idea that I’m getting really close to being done.

I feel really alone.

I have 1 question for you: Would his family and friends adore him if he treated them like he does you? Nope.

He's an arsehole. That's the cause.

Op,

I'm sorry you've begun to see his true colours. You've got a new baby together so it will be hard. But it would be harder to try and bring your baby up 'together' when you're going to be under such harsh judgement all the time. You'll be a single parent with the hard graft too, and it will be push-pull in a way that will be harmful to your child.

It won't get better and it definitely will get worse. The more you tolerate the more it's a green light to do more of the same and even worse.

Goggle:

1. Emotional abuse
2. Gaslighting
3. Narcissism

And you'll see him. He will have picked you because of exactly the reasons you gave that make you confused he is so awful to you: you would do ANYTHING to work at it. He's got you right where he wants to.

Prepare that he may try to be MR nice guy for a while to draw you back in. But if he does it won't last. Prepare that he may try to get you to doubt your assessment of the situation: maybe even to use others to convince you. Prepare that he may try to threaten all manner of ill such as taking your baby from you. Anything to keep you trapped with him, under his control.

How do I know all of this? I recognise it. The same way you know it's chickenpox and not a heat rash once you've had chicken pox. The same way you know it's a broken bone and not a sprain once you've had a broken bone before. I’ve given over a decade to a man I married and had children with because I lacked confidence and found it easier to believe someone as nice as him MUST be nice. Therefore it has to be me.

Your brain feels like mush and you are having difficulty comprehending and processing what is happening because he wants you that way. He keeps you on the back foot, alludes to your "inadequacies" but never gives you the information to do anything about "them" because he wants your mental energy consumed with wondering what's wrong with you rather than what's wrong with him. It's vile psychological and emotional abuse.

If there were genuine problems and you had a decent partner he would want to discuss things to improve the situation but he doesn't because he wants to control you by making you think it's your fault.

Lots of abusive arseholes are very charming to the outside world but reserve their nastiness for their intimate partner which is another way he makes you think you are the problem.

Take a step back and either think about situations which have happened or situations which arise and you will see a pattern emerge.

My ex H had a talent for starting arguments which he blamed me for and I would then spend hours wondering what I did to trigger the dispute, was it my tone of voice, did I use words which could have been interpreted differently to how I intended etc etc. With the benefit of hindsight I can hardly believe I was so confused but I was.

You say you have two very young children, has he become more difficult since you had them? He thinks he's got you now and can entertain himself by controlling and hurting you. Show him he's wrong and leave.

Find a supportive solicitor who has some experience with men like this, divorcing these arseholes isn't easy.

Yup, confusion is the game.

They are also masters of making you think that you have some control, they tell others you are the dominant one, always getting you own way, that they constantly 'do stuff' for you, that they are the one pulling the weight.
They take credit for what they have not done, to the outside world it's believable because they do so much for others.

The arguments, usually arise when they displease you, have been hurtful or neglectful and you pull them up on it, they then use the silent treatment or sulk, so you become angry, this is their cue to say you started the argument.

And so it goes a vicious circle whereby you end up not confronting their hurtful behaviour as it just gets worse.

You have to drop the rope, you cannot communicate, negotiate or reason with an abuser, their actions are pre meditated and purposeful, it takes a while to accept that but once you do it will save your sanity.

Op, there is nothing wrong with you, it is him, he is using you as his own personal whipping boy for his own sadistic pleasure.

@InternetStranger84

Does it never occur to you that many people may not experience him as this amazing person that you seem to think they view him to be.

He may actually feel very inadequate, and may resent the fact that you experience and know the him as he really is.

He may have many acquaintances but far fewer real friends than you think. It is probably difficult for him to be "on " all of the time, so he takes his fear and frustration out on you. The people that you think know and admire him may actually wonder how and why you stay with him.
Get your life view order, and stop holding yourself out as his whipping post. Let him see a capable, articulate , and self reliant woman planning and managing her exit process.

Your young children are not going to be dangerous by your separating from their father as long is you deal with this process with the realization that you are leaving him ,but your children still have 2 loving parents.

Your children deserve a complete and confident mother. They will not view you as capable or competent if you continue to act as though you are that person defined by your husband. Do you really believe that his pronouncements carry much weight to anyone but you? Stop asking questions and engaging in hurtful arguments and discussions with him. You are only hurt because you give value and meaning to his words. When he sees that you are not impacted by his words , he will likely stop.

Stop being in awe of him, and start respecting yourself.

He's a bad guy. It doesn't really matter why he's a bad guy or what caused it, it's the person you are dealing with now, bot the person you fell in love with back in the day.

Honestly, it doesn't matter how many friends you have or what this lunatic deems as worthy as he is an abusive lunatic.

Who cares what a loon thinks of you?

However, sometimes being stuck with a loon who is mean is far worse than being by yourself as it feeds into helplessness and depression.

You aren't alone. Many people have been through this. He makes you fel alone but that doesn't define your potential or worth.

When good times cone, enjoy them. However, always put some money on the side and talk to someone about this even if it feels shameful.

Don't keep this as a secret. Shame thrives in secrecy. You did nothing wrong.

@cassiatwenty your post is spot on. I spent YEARS trying to workout why my husband was like it. Was he depressed (definitely) did he have other undiagnosed mental health problems, almost certainly, was he 'just' a mean narcissistic arsehole? Who knows. Who cares? The affect on me was the same.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like I’ve written that. My situation is so similar. My husband refuses to discuss things esp when he’s insulted me and will revert to messaging. It’s really unpleasant.
he said yesterday I’m not even a proper wife. Whatever that means.
Ive been told this is abuse I think it actually is.
what you are experiencing is belittling abusive behaviour. Disrespectful behaviour. A relationship should be a happy safe space not one where it feels the other person has more power.
makes me really hate men.
have you spoken to friends or family about it?

Please don’t see this as making excuses, but although I am mentally at this point I just don’t know where I would go. I feel immense guilt for how unsettling it would be for my very young children

Splitting might be unsettling for the kids but that would be so much better than staying with him and raising the kids in a home with a nasty abusive man. If he behaves like that towards you it would not be a surprise if he behaves like that to your kids. Do you want to spend you life walking on eggshells fearful of his next outburst.

It's going to be really hard splitting up but think how calm and relaxed you will feel without him around.

Good luck.

It will be very unsettling for little children to hear their dad (who they love) speak to their mum (who they love) in such a hurtful and derogatory way. Even if he hides it, what does that say? That he's saving all his worst and nastiest words and behaviour for you and you alone.

he’s the life and soul of the party, friends and family adore him. And when I say friends, I mean easily 30 people, formed of different groups over time.

I know some gold plated arseholes (male and female) who have excellent friendships, because they have strong social skills and are charming, interesting, intelligent and charismatic. None of this makes them good human beings and being socially dominant puts someone in an excellent position to exercise a cruel streak if they happen to have one. In your case he is probably tired of you and bored of life with a young family so he is turning on you, and when your response is to be submissive and ask what you can do differently, it brings out the cruelty. I doubt the relationship can be saved but for the love of god stop appeasing him and tell him to just go fuck himself when he starts with the character assassination.

Also you need to work on your own friendships regardless of number, because being fully dependent on your husband for emotional support would be disastrous.

He's very abusive OP, saying all that when you're at your most vulnerable.

I definitely wouldn't tell him how upsetting it was, as he'd just learn from it/use it to abuse you more 'successfully.'

I'm glad you're fairly OK financially.

Please start planning to leave (don't tell him much in advance as he will either be even more awfulor briefly play at being adorable to win you round, before doing it all again.

The kids better off without you puts him in proper psychopathic territory.

Beyond nasty (and potentially life threatening to someone vulnerable in the wrong headspace. That's someone who wants to destroy his partner's self worth, and who's willing to risk putting something in her head that could lead to her to suicide & lead to his kids losing their Mum, in a worst case scenario situation).

There's no working with someone who'd behave like that.

Don't get caught in paralysis by analysis. Noone knows why he is why is his, including him probably.

It might also be a threat to take the kids away from their Mum, lots of abuisive men use that threat & implication to keep their partners scared, insecure, in line and taking abuse; but not leaving.

*why is he what he is

My husband was like this. I put up with it due to ivf and it slowly began to get worse until I had no choice but to confront him. I called him out, used his trick and remembered conversations & used his own words against him - when he tried to gaslight me I shouted (I am loud) and kept telling him to stop lying. I laid it all out. Then I told him if the behaviour didn’t stop I would give it back to him tenfold and in front of the people he knew to utterly humilate him.

He didn’t like it, went berserk, threatened to kill himself and at this point I would normally have been submissive but instead I told him to go and do it and walked away. He stormed out and then came home three hours later a totally different man.

Almost 15 years later he’s nothing like the man he was. When I asked him recently what had changed he said that me putting it out there and speaking up, made him respect me more & also realise that his behaviour could cause him to lose me and he didn’t want that. He began to make an effort to make himself happier - make friends, play sports, and went from an arse to my bedrock throughout ivf and after the babies were born.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a vile man.

Tell your GP.
Ring Women's aid for advice.
Get your paperwork organised and get a good solicitor for legal advice.

He is vile and will remain so.

These men are often street angels, house devils.

He will destroy your childrens childhood so if you can leave, do it as soon as you can.

Please don't keep silent.

Tell family and friends the truth, even if they can't support you, tell the truth.

He is abusive and you need to protect the children.

It is that simple.

He’s a miserable abusive prick and I’m so sorry OP.

He sounds horrible . Partners should b eg supportive not the cause of stress and anxiety.

......

@Wenfy This isn't a typical outcome. I'm glad it worked for you but abusive men very rarely have an epiphany and improve their behaviour. Women in abusive relationships don't always just passively sit there and take it. They shout back, they try to reason, research why it's happening, talk to therapists, threaten to leave etc etc but it usually results in the abuse escalating.

What causes your DH to be so hurtful? His choices. He chooses to do and say things to deliberately hurt you. He has friends so is obviously capable of choosing to do better, but with you - he doesn’t. He has chosen you to bear the brunt of his entitlement and resentment and turned you into his scapegoat. He won’t change.

I have been a married to a man like this for many years. Classic narcissist who projects a perfect image to others, (including me once), but loves nothing better than to belittle and attack. The problem is that I didn’t see it for ages and thought I was just not good enough/ in some way defective. You’ve seen it in time and can change your life and meet somebody genuine OP.

Sadly I didn’t act but now I understand it I don’t care what he thinks about me anymore, so that weapon has gone and he doesn’t hurt me now. He still tries though and I have to keep any vulnerabilities well away from him. As a result we lead emotionally separate lives. It is lonely though and if I’d understood it earlier in my life I’d have done things differently. I guess don’t end up where I am is what I’m trying to say!

The people that you think know and admire him may actually wonder how and why you stay with him.

this, and the post by @TheYearOfSmallThings nail it.

i know quite a few outwardly charming fuckers. I’m also pretty damn certain they are total cunts at home. I have had pretty recent verification of this when some acquaintances split up. She rang me, and said something like ’everyone thought we were the perfect couple, he was so charming, but he was awful to me‘. She was gobsmacked when I said, yeah, it was obvious. He had no respect and subtly belittled you, dressed up as compliments or conversation. She hadn’t realised anyone else could see it. But we all did. He was a grade A cunt and she’s well rid.