What causes my husband to be so hurtful?

[InternetStranger84]

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, comfort or a space to vent.

I’ve been with my husband 12 years, married 2. We have 2 very young children. In the earliest days, he could be a bit off if he was in a mood but nothing like I see now. At his worst, I would describe him as being entitled with a victim mentality; he likes his own way, and can be quite manipulative sometimes to get there, e.g., sulking, silent treatment etc. I’ve seen him treat immediate family members this way too, but never friends or colleagues, of which he has many. I never saw this side to him before our friendship progressed to a relationship, and he has been loving, supportive and thoughtful at times whilst we’ve been together.

Recently, his moods change quickly and you can almost feel it when they do. He thinks I’m always ‘on his back’ but when I ask specifically what he means (because if I am, I would gladly address anything I’m doing to impact him to stop the atmosphere being so awful!) he doesn’t give any examples, just tells me I make him miserable/he hates when I’m like this. He often avoids discussions and keeps a record, even if things seem good between us, of the things I say or do to use against me to prove he’s right.

In the last month, he’s become increasingly personal with his comments, and I mean deeply deeply hurtful, to the extent that I started to wonder if I even have a purpose. He suggested my children would be better off without me and said I have no friends. He’s not completely wrong; I have few friends, especially in comparison to him, but I’m quite an introvert and prefer quality over quantity; I know it can be seen as weird when someone doesn’t have many friends, it’s something I’m very aware of.

There are positives and we are sometimes happy. I know I’m not perfect, but I never do anything to intentionally hurt him and I certainly wouldn’t do anything to encourage the way he’s been acting towards me. I’m willing to address anything I’m contributing to our situation in order to improve it. I’ve suggested counselling but he just sort of mocks the suggestion, in the same way he mocks the idea that I’m getting really close to being done.

I feel really alone.

You’re not DH is emotionally abusing you.
He probably resents the DC as you may not be devoting the amount of time to him that he thinks he deserves.
This is such a difficult position for you to be in. As friends & family believe he is the perfect husband & father how can you draw the line under this marriage?
It depends how long you can put up with this behaviour. At some stage he will show his true colours, no narcissistic person can keep up the charm forever.
However, from the point of view that this is your only life, as far as we know, for your mental health consider finishing the relationship. See a Solicitor secretly if you are able to. Find out all your legal rights. Good Luck.

Gaslighting and Narcissism….so cliche.

always the man’s fault.

God , who knows; poor upbringing, bad genes, garden-variety male cuntitude? More to the point, who cares why he does it? It's intolerable and you don't have to put up with it. Life is too short to waste on a petulant, spiteful man child.

I think there are some relationships that in all honesty have a timer on them and when the time is up people like your partner OP just switch off- they no longer are interested in you and often not in the family either. But instead of saying they want to separate they seem to prefer to stay and see how far they can push you. My h has had some tendencies this way too, but nowhere near like your H. I've been married 27 years but in your position now I would just say 'this isn't working for me' -sounds like you could cope financially even if it's tight. I wouldn't personally give him the satisfaction of him seeing you putting up with this - his comments are deplorable.

You might have been hoping for at least some people to say ‘look it’s grand, no relationship is perfect, just have a good talk and ride it out for the kids sake’. I’m afraid I’m not going to say that either.

Your situation sounds very like the relationship I have recently left after being with him for 8 years. It was fabulous at the start, he adored me, then slowly he stopped making an effort and eventually fell out of love with me. But couldn’t admit it to himself or me, and wasn’t the type to cheat so he just stuck with the relationship and became really verbally and emotionally nasty in the end. My ex was also controlling, and would sulk or raise a row if he didn’t get his way. He wasn’t full on abusive so I thought for a long time that if I could just understand better what he wanted and deliver it, all would be well. But you can’t please an unreasonable man like this. They’ve already (consciously or unconsciously) stopped loving you I don’t think anything can change that. It’s so hurtful to think someone has stopped caring about you. It’s easier to pretend it’s fixable.

I focused so much on how to be a better girlfriend, tried to listen, understand, change myself. I knew deep down it wasn’t right to stay in a relationship where I couldn’t be myself, didn’t know what mood I’d be walking into on any given day. But I still tried very hard to make it work. We did counselling for months but he would just switch off when things were said that he didn’t want to hear.

People thought he was a great guy too as he was always very charismatic. But behind closed doors he would say really nasty things like I had no friends or family, was miserable (my parents had just died in quick succession). A great one was when he said in a really nasty voice ‘smell the alcohol off you’ one morning after we’d both been out on a night out. I subsequently stopped drinking altogether and while looking back that was real coercive control, I am really glad I did stop drinking as I’m far better off for it. I am also extremely glad we broke up in the end. I am definitely far better off for that!!

People said to me ‘why don’t you break up with him’ when they heard what he was like behind closed doors. But I always brushed it aside on the basis that no relationship is perfect. But you know what? No relationship should make you feel sad on a regular basis.

Just be prepared that when you try to leave he is going to panic and try to stop you. He’ll tell you he loves you and how great you are together. And if you don’t change your mind and stay he will turn nasty and make it all your fault for abandoning him and breaking up your family and claim you were always the problem. You aren’t, he is. Just reread this thread anytime you need reminding that he is a nasty, controlling, coercive, a$$hole!

Sorry for the essay. It has been very cathartic for me. And if it helps you or anyone else escape a bad relationship then good!

@Superlambaanana yes - it matches my own thoughts too on the post below yours. Some people simply check out but instead of splitting seem to revel then in just being unpleasant/argumentative/critical etc often because they like have a whipping post in their life.

Yes they like having a whipping post to release their stress onto, AND women not only put up with it, but bend over backwards to absorb it as their fault and their problem to solve. Who wouldn't want a chattel like that?!

@VickyBlue do you mean that seriously or sarcastically? Is an epidemic of abuse a cliche if it's actually happening?

@Superlambaanana that is a spectacularly intuitively wise post.👏👏👏

You have really nailed a hugely nuanced narrative that so many women miss.

That some men abuse women simply because they feel they are emotionally really stuck, trapped and unable to exit a relationship with a woman they no longer love at all or even like.

Insteaad of owning their feelings and dealing with the fallout, they abuse, destroy, belittle, annihilate the family arround them.

@Superlambaanana so glad you are free.

Keeps a record of what you say?! This is not a supportive, loving relationship. There is little point to it. Please get yourself and your children out of there.

@billy1966 thank you! That's given me a very welcome little boost on the morning that my ex is coming to collect the last of his things. I would love to tell him he's a narcissist and should really do some reflecting before he goes on to damage more women. But a) there's a personality disorder under there somewhat which probably isn't fixable and b) narcissists are so confidently self absorbed that they are incapable of seeing any flaws in themselves. In fact I fully expect he will use this morning as an opportunity to get in a couple of last digs at me and how much I let him down/ wasted years of his life/ made him miserable/ caused him to be nasty to me/ how much better off he is no without me etc.

Best of luck.

Don't waste your energy but keep a smile on your face an keep nodding at him as you usher him out the door.

Have his stuff close to the door if you can.

A wonderful future awaits you.

The best of luck.

I know mines not quite the same as it was a role reversal situation, I'm a guy but it's weird how the behavior was the same as others experiences with men. My relationship and marriage was exactly the same, I'm quiet and shy, always had low self esteem and I fell into an abusive trap and didn't realize until I was out recently.

Coming from a childhood witnessing bad aspects of men, I made sure to do everything right and not be the same as them. I did everything right but everything was always wrong, I was always to blame and I became an emotional punching bag. Constant belittling, name calling, humiliation, wasn't able to buy anything for myself and my friends were pushed away, including any new I made. Endless silent treatment, ghost in my own home. I had to watch what I said or how I said things, tone or topic and couldn't have a different opinion.

I raised our children from new borns, everything fell on me. I was SAHD, sole provider, cooked and cleaned I became a workhorse and ended up very sick. The emotional included psychological, I lost myself and my identity and that then eventually turned to psychical. I was living in a warzone, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Eventually I got fully isolated for years, no friends, entire family was cut off, they even turned on their own.

In the end, it hit critical mass and they turned on me, I had been used up and I was discarded, forced out. Now have taken everything, house, money, withholding our children they are isolated, nobody's allowed to see them and I'm been scapegoated through lies.

Be very wary of someone who shows you glimmers of who they are, even just name calling, moods and silent treatment. That is not a loving relationship, it's something else more sinister.

There certainly seems to be an epidemic of narcissism these days. Or is it just the latest “buzz” word people use as a convenient response to a much more complex issue.

In relationships, communication breakdown is usually the first thing that goes wrong. When people can’t communicate then their needs are not met and then anger and frustration follow. A deeper reflection and understanding of the issue is what’s needed, I’d never take the advice of the baying mob on here. Just reading the various responses, nobody has provided anything other than the usual reactionary “Daily Mail-Esque”commentary. No questions or challenges, no suggestion to reflect on why the behaviour is being exhibited. Maybes it’s ok and this is the throwaway society we live in. It’s the children who are profoundly affected.

…and no I’m not some right-wing fundamentalist Christian, I just believe that these sites are not the place to come for useful advice and just hope that your decision making is not solely informed by it.

sincerely

Why does he do it? Because he wants to and he can. Because there are no repercussions from doing so, and the more he does it, and the more you take it, the less respect he has for you. So he does it more.

you don’t need to delve further past that into why he does if, but you need to work out why you’re taking it. Why you’re not reading the riot act, why you’re at least not taking the baby and seperating. Why he gets to behave like this to uou and you just take to mumsnet and ask how you can improve and why he does it.

@VickyBlue I do think that word is hugely overused and often out of context. People use it to describe behaviour that is simply twatty or poor manners or selfish.I think many use it asa buzz word without understanding what narcissism actually is- My H has exhibited some twatty behaviour over the years - do I think he is a narcissist- no- I do know someone who is though and it's a female in her 30s who had some success in the public eye for a short while, - absolutely everything in life was about her, she took it personally if attention wasn't on her, a very peculiar and insecure person.

He's a bully. You deserve more than a life being his whipping boy. Please leave

OP, first thing I would try is standing up to him very calmly: 'That's an ugly, cruel thing to say.' 'I quickly lose all respect for you when you begin these verbal tirades.' "You can sulk as long as you like. You were deeply and unreasonably cruel to me, so if you think I am going to scuttle around trying to appease you, sulk on.'

If he is just going through a dark phase or repeating patterns from childhood, (his 'perfect' family may be less so behind closed doors)this sort of comment will make him reflect. If he's a narcissist the confrontation will make him furious, in which case, honestly I'd consider leaving.

You say you are alone. Get less alone. Start cultivating some friendships. They don't have to be in his friendship circle. They don't have to be school mums. You could befriend some older women who have seen through this sort of behaviour. Maybe women in your local community or church or at a support group.

And don't assume no one will believe you. I was once standing beside a woman I didn't know well at a school event. Her husband was larking around with everyone's kids being Perfect Dad and she said under her breath 'If only people knew what he was like behind closed doors.' From then on I always assumed he was two-faced.

Brilliant idea