See scenes on TV...

[FeelingUgly]

Do sex scenes on TV make anyone else feel inadequate?

I'm talking sex scenes in normal TV programmes and films.

I check imdb before I watch anything and won't watch if the sex/nudity rating is above none or mild. Tbh, even mild makes me feel uncomfortable.

If my partner puts something on and I don't feel I can watch it, I make excuses to leave - shower, tidying the kitchen, work to so, shattered and need an early night... none of them implausible reasons.

I have a really strong physical reaction to them (fight or flight response) so it's not something I can ignore.

I'd never say anything to him and I don't. But it's kills my libido knowing he's watched it. I just don't feel attractive in myself at all. I can't see how he would want to have sex with me or even find me attractive at all after watching them.

He's currently watching Peaky Blinders. I watched the first episode a couple of years ago and found it boring but I know there's a lot of sex in it. There's only so much I can find to do to busy myself in the evenings.

I can't even watch stuff on my own.

Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say, so comparing yourself to the airbrushed and perfectly lit naked ladies on TV is definitely going to wreak havoc on your self esteem.

I'm sure to a layman I look like a bin bag full of coleslaw when I'm having sex with my husband, but I don't much care because he still seems to be deluded by love into thinking I look like Angelina Jolie.

Have you considered speaking to someone to try and help with your self-esteem? I really don't think your other half has done anything wrong here, unless he has form for the kind of sex that leaves you feeling like he was just "scratching an itch" and you happened to be there to facilitate that? Your mentioning of feeling used is the only reason I suggest it. In which case that requires a conversation to be had with him about mutual enjoyment.

I did assume that, yes.

Why?

No, he's not like that at all.

But, if I'm honest, I feel uncomfortable when his attention is on me too.

It doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy. The opposite in fact. My head is just filled with how unattractive I am and how he must wish I looked different.

There have been times when I've cried afterwards. He doesn't know. Not becaise of anything he's done but because how disgusted I feel with myself for not being 'more'.

To those women who don't mind it, do you not ever feel uncomfortable that your partner is being sexually aroused by something he's watching while you're together? Does it not bother you that he might wish you looked more like them or think about it while having sex with you?

No. Not in the slightest. Game of Thrones is a good example. Dh and I watched the whole thing together, several times through. We love it! It has lots of nudity and sex, and some sexual violence. More than is really plot-necessary, admittedly. I'm not a big fan of sex scenes. I think they are a but cringe, but I'm not troubled by them.

Yes, there are beautiful women in Game of Thrones, and I'm sure dh finds some of them attractive. That's perfectly natural and normal. I find some of the men attractive too. Whether they are naked or not, or doing sex scenes or not, makes no difference to whether the actors are attractive or not. It wouldn't occur to me to compare dh with them, or to worry whether he was comparing the women with me. Imo film stars are just a different category of person. They aren't 'real-life' enough to worry about comparing yourself to.

Also... what's important is the way your partner/dh behaves towards you, not the occasional (normal human) thought he might have in the privacy of his own head that a woman on the tv is attractive.

To those women who don't mind it, do you not ever feel uncomfortable that your partner is being sexually aroused by something he's watching while you're together? No - I don't feel it's my job or right to be my partner's sole source of sexual gratification or interest, and I'm perfectly happy for him to be turned on by something he sees on TV, as I am sometimes. Many a time watching a sex scene on TV has led to us both wanting to have sex, and during a recent rewatch of True Blood he would jokingly 'leave me alone to my softcore porn' given the amount of sex scenes in it - he's not insecure that I might be turned on by something on TV, either.

Does it not bother you that he might wish you looked more like them or think about it while having sex with you? No - I know he's attracted to me. Might he be more attracted to Gillian Anderson were she also in our living room in her pyjamas? Maybe, but she's not. If he thinks about her while we're having sex and that's fun for him, good for him.

Do you not think other men are attractive? Can you honestly say your partner is the best looking person in the whole world and that you wouldn't go a bit weak at the knees if Brad Pitt/Idris Elba/whoever showed up? Do you think that diminishes how you feel about him, or that it means that's who you'd be thinking about during sex?

As I think you know, the issue here isn't really with the sex scenes - it's with your self image. You seem almost repulsed by the idea of being seen as sexual at all, out of a very deep fear of being inadequate.

That's a hard thing to overcome and it'll be work - as PPs have said, a psychosexual therapist would be my starting point. I sympathise though, it's tough.

Hi. I would second (third, forth, fifth??) you go back to therapy. Maybe a new therapist can give you extra techniques to help you overcome/cope with this?

Have you talked rawly with your partner about how you feel regarding sex scenes? Been explicit about how you feel unattractive and your fears when he watches them then comes to find you? Being honest is the way to go.

I'm not at all bothered by watching sex scenes, they're not the main event if watching a good film/programme. Me and my fella can watch together, and we're both very happy to get saucy that evening. I wouldn't at all be bothered to learn if he became aroused and jumped me, we love each other, been through a lot together, and I love the very bones of him.

Have you thought about initiating sex prior to TV watching??

I suppose because it's the most prominent aspect of any film or TV programme for me. It determines whether I'll watch it or not.

I can't imagine he wouldn't be turned on by watching a sex scene. Especially if it's meant to be sensual/sexually arousing. That would make him pretty unusual I think.

After the other night, I didn't want him to try initiating sex with me again after watching it.

It makes me feel inadequate and worthless.

It makes me feel like he's settling for me because he can't (for whatever reason) get a woman who looks like that. Or he must be wishing I looked more like that.

He'd rather have someone nice/attractive/sexy to look at rather than me.

Do you not think other men are attractive? Can you honestly say your partner is the best looking person in the whole world and that you wouldn't go a bit weak at the knees if Brad Pitt/Idris Elba/whoever showed up? Do you think that diminishes how you feel about him, or that it means that's who you'd be thinking about during sex?

Honestly? No, I don't.

I don't give other men a second thought in that way if I'm honest. He sometimes points out attractive men but I won't even have noticed them.

Even if I did look at someone amd think they were good looking, I wouldn't be sexually aroused by them.

I suppose because it's the most prominent aspect of any film or TV programme for me. It determines whether I'll watch it or not.

But that doesn't mean everyone else feels that way. You're assuming that's why he's watching a particular film or programme when it's probably not even a consideration

You seem almost repulsed by the idea of being seen as sexual at all, out of a very deep fear of being inadequate.

I think you're probably right about that tbh

Have you talked rawly with your partner about how you feel regarding sex scenes? Been explicit about how you feel unattractive and your fears when he watches them then comes to find you? Being honest is the way to go.

No. I don't even think I could bring it up. He does know I feel unattractive but he just says he doesn't know what to say because he thinks I'm beautiful and he can't understand why I don't see it. I haven't run myself down to him because I don't want him to see me the way I see myself. But I also know a lot of what he says is out of kindness.

He often compliments an aspect of me that I hate. I feel he must be doing it because he knows it's ugly and he's trying to be nice.

I just find them ridiculous. If I want to watch porn I'll watch porn.

I suppose because it's the most prominent aspect of any film or TV programme for me. It determines whether I'll watch it or not.
That's pretty unusual though. I don't know anyone who bases watching TV around sex scenes, or who thinks that the sex scenes are the key aspect of a show (unless the show/film is about sex or notable for having lots of sex scenes in, like Game of Thrones). So you're judging him on standard that you've set and that most people don't adhere to.

I can't imagine he wouldn't be turned on by watching a sex scene. Especially if it's meant to be sensual/sexually arousing. That would make him pretty unusual I think. You've said yourself that you don't get turned on watching them. Even if he does sometimes (which is normal), he's unlikely to every time - he might not be into what they're doing, he might not think the actors are attractive, he might be distracted, he might not be in the mood, his brain might just not be feeling that way that day. Sometimes I watch something funny and cackle my head off, sometimes I'm tired or not in the mood or not really focusing and it barely registers as a smile. The same with sex scenes.

I'm sorry - I've replied a few times but actually, I think refuting your points won't necessarily help. You're fundamentally coming at this from quite a disordered sense of self and self-image and idea of your worth, so I dunno if me/other posters trying to reason through it are actually helpful or fair. You can't help feeling the way you do right now, but I do think it's worth remembering that things that you think of as absolutes and unchangable ('he only says X about Y feature because he's being kind', 'he must be thinking about TV actors when we have sex', 'I'm not good enough and TV shows will highlight that') are actually just beliefs that you're seeing through an extremely distorted lens. They are not facts and you can, with therapy and work, challenge them if you'd like to.

Thank you. This hadn't occurred to me at all so I can at least see that as a possibility now.

If I haven't been able to check a programme online, or I've tried to watch something with 'mild' sex/nudity in it, I'm so anxious that I can't enjoy any of it. So it becomes the whole thing for me.

It's at the point where I can't even watch old episodes of Peep Show and the like because even any reference to sex or people fancying someone makes me feel shit.

Thank you. I think I'd find it really difficult to say any of this to anyone in real life.

I don't know what I thought other people would think and it has been interesting and maybe a bit helpful reading it.

None of it is going to make any difference to how I feel, I know that, because, as I said, it triggers a fight or flight response.

Maybe it would be worth seeing another therapist. Thank you for your kind words.

It seems like you're suffering from a huge amount of trauma no doubt because you were raped and probably from other abusive relationships you have suffered too. Have you considered you might be suffering from PTSD? Just a thought because this is really affecting your life and you are very strongly projecting all your feelings on to your OH and thinking he must see things the way you do.

I enjoy watching sex scenes, I'm very choosy about what I watch but sometimes I enjoy watching porn, mostly lesbian. None of it would prevent me from loving my husband or make me think he wasn't good enough or make me want to cheat on him.

You self esteem is through the floor, you're traumatised IMO and you don't deserve to feel like this. Ending the relationship and hoping things improve by themselves though is probably not going to change anything. You need help and support in dealing with what you have been through and your rock bottom self esteem. Start looking anywhere and everywhere for things to like about yourself and start concentrating on those things. It doesn't matter if you are the ugliest, stupidest, most boring person in the world, there will be good qualities to find if you look for them.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I didn't acknowledge to myself that I was raped until 2019. It happened in 1994. I knew him. He wasn't a friend but he was someone I occasionally spoke to in a larger friendship group. I lived quite near to him.

I lived in a ground floor flat and slept with the window open. He climbed through the window in the middle of the night. I was wearing stupid BHS brushed cotton teddy bear pyjamas my mum had bouught me at the time.

It was so obviously nothing I had done to 'encourage' him. It didn't make me scared of men. My attitude has always been that you're not going to get raped unless you encounter a rapist. But it did make me very anxious around and scared of sex. I get particularly anxious at passionate sex because it feels out of control.

There was a thread on here recently where someone posted asking if people had 'TV sex' - passionate, can barely get through the door without ripping clothes off type thing. That would terrify me. I'd be actively turned off by it and feel the need to escape.

It doesn't matter if you are the ugliest, stupidest, most boring person in the world, there will be good qualities to find if you look for them.

I'm quite confident about my good (and bad) points personality wise. But physically/sexually I'm not at all. And I wouldn't feel comfortable hearing it either.

Im surprised at the OP and some of the other posters, I think this is fairly average and not a big deal.

im guessing that means Games of Thrones was outside your comfort zone?

I think checking imbd beforehand is a bit weird

*It doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy. The opposite in fact. My head is just filled with how unattractive I am and how he must wish I looked different.

There have been times when I've cried afterwards. He doesn't know. Not becaise of anything he's done but because how disgusted I feel with myself for not being 'more'.*

To be honest OP, I don't think sex scenes are the issue here.

Lots of TV programs have sex scenes in them and I have never even thought twice about watching them with DH, or knowing he is watching them.. Would never think of looking them up on IMBD. We watched that Sex Life program once and were slightly shocked that is was basically teetering on pornography but it didn't stop us watching it.

It's not like he's put porn on the main tv. Sex scenes in programs usually involve nudity but are more just suggestive than anything, making noises but not showing anything really.

It sounds like the difficulty comes from a huge amount of your own insecurity, as you say your head is filled with how unattractive you are. You seem to be putting thoughts in to your head about yourself (how he must wish you look different) that directly clash with what your DH has actually said about you. If you have cried afterwards than I think your issues are with yourself, your feelings of self worth, and self esteem.
I think everything else is secondary but that is the root of the problem. We have to love ourselves primarily, and be accepting of ourselves. Otherwise we will never believe what anyone else says about us, unless it is critical and aligns with our own criticisms.

I think perhaps looking in to some body image/self esteem counselling would be good.

Maybe you should go and see "A Little Life" in the theatre 🙈

Sorry OP, just read your updates.

I'm really sorry to read that you were raped in your 20s. I imagine there is some trauma from that that is effecting your feelings about your body and your self esteem.

I also don't think your DH is doing anything wrong. It is strange to be annoyed with him for wanting to initiate sex midweek if he doesn't usually do it...so what? Sex doesn't have to be routine or clockwork. But if you have any lingering trauma from what happened to you then this could be effecting how you feel about this.
Even if he did get mildly turned on watching peaky blinders (which is a really mainstream program and not at all weird to watch), he came upstairs and sought you out. He could have stayed downstairs and had a wank but he didn't. I think you are letting your feelings cloud what he actually did here which is sought out time with YOU.
If he has been rejected for doing this, of course on another occasion he might stay downstairs on his phone.

Sorry if this comes across harsh but I do think that you should work through your own trauma/self-esteem/your general feelings about your ability to be sexual with somebody. Talk to your DH about how you are feeling, so that he knows. Find other ways to be intimate with each other that don't involve sex, as this might help you.

I wasn't annoyed with him. I don't think.

I just felt devalued. Like he wouldn't have done it otherwise. I was half asleep, he was very tactile, it was obvious I wasn't up for it and he left it.