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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

See scenes on TV...

109 replies

FeelingUgly · 16/06/2023 07:26

Do sex scenes on TV make anyone else feel inadequate?

I'm talking sex scenes in normal TV programmes and films.

I check imdb before I watch anything and won't watch if the sex/nudity rating is above none or mild. Tbh, even mild makes me feel uncomfortable.

If my partner puts something on and I don't feel I can watch it, I make excuses to leave - shower, tidying the kitchen, work to so, shattered and need an early night... none of them implausible reasons.

I have a really strong physical reaction to them (fight or flight response) so it's not something I can ignore.

I'd never say anything to him and I don't. But it's kills my libido knowing he's watched it. I just don't feel attractive in myself at all. I can't see how he would want to have sex with me or even find me attractive at all after watching them.

He's currently watching Peaky Blinders. I watched the first episode a couple of years ago and found it boring but I know there's a lot of sex in it. There's only so much I can find to do to busy myself in the evenings.

I can't even watch stuff on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 16/06/2023 16:51

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 16/06/2023 13:07

Honestly OP, this is an extreme reaction to something millions of people watch and don’t care about.

It sounds like you have self esteem issues. Have you considered counselling?

I understand that. It's why I was posting. I was hoping that I could get an insight into how not to care.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 16/06/2023 16:55

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 16/06/2023 13:24

I don’t like watching sex scenes either and I switch off if it’s a rape or sexual assault scene. I was attacked twice as a teen and after all these years it still makes me react.

I think some of it may be this with me too. I was raped in my early twenties. I don't understand how anyone could find it entertaining.

I haven't said anything to him about how I feel about any of it. He put a film on a couple of months ago and there was a scene early on which was clearly gearing up for a rape. It wasn't in the parents guide!

As soon as he realised what was happening, he said he didn't much fancy the film after all, what about me? And then turned it off. I can't imagine he'd have done that if he was alone, I think he'd have watched anyway but he knows what happened to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 16/06/2023 17:00

Watchkeys · 16/06/2023 14:13

I think that by focussing on whether other people feel like you do, you're actually avoiding the real issue here: you have debilitating insecurities regarding sex/your own sexual attractiveness.

Where does this come from? Issues with TV scenes are a symptom. They're not the problem.

I just wanted to know how other women felt about it. I know it's a symptom of something else. But I do still feel it's unnecessary.

I just feel ugly and unattractive and worthless. Im never going to be attractive. He could do so much better than me.

it doesn't feel like something to break up over unless you're suggesting he only watches programmes you decide are okay?!

I'm pretty sure I haven't said that anywhere. But I don't have to be in a relationship with him or anyone else if I don't want to be.

OP posts:
Dery · 17/06/2023 09:18

“I just feel ugly and unattractive and worthless. Im never going to be attractive. He could do so much better than me”

It’s awful that you feel like that, @FeelingUgly, and not normal or healthy. As a PP said, your reaction to sex scenes is a symptom of how you feel about yourself. I don’t feel brilliant about myself all the time but actually I can and do enjoy sex scenes, particularly if they’re the culmination of a lot of romantic/sexual tension. Then I think they can be quite satisfying.

Dery · 17/06/2023 09:24

PS - I’d be on a hiding to nothing if I compared myself with the actresses at any time and in whatever scene because they’re always much better looking than me anyway. As was said on another thread, most of us are fairly ordinary looking. It doesn’t stop us being attractive because attraction arises from a combination of factors or finding love.

Dery · 17/06/2023 09:37

Sorry - just to complete the thought - I agree rape and abuse scenes are abhorrent.

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 12:00

I know it's me. But, at the same time, I can't imagine how anyone watches them and doesn't feel uncomfortable. I'm not really sure what there is to 'enjoy' about them if I'm honest. Not criticising anyone who does. I just find it confusing and don't understand it.

I just wish I didn't feel like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 12:02

I lay in bed last night wondering how to phrase breaking up with my partner because of how I feel.

I can't bring myself to have sex with him knowing he is currently watching something with so much sex in it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 12:05

Dery · 17/06/2023 09:37

Sorry - just to complete the thought - I agree rape and abuse scenes are abhorrent.

No one is making those scenes for women. They're just for the titillation/sexual arousal of men.

OP posts:
Flocider · 17/06/2023 12:43

As soon as he realised what was happening, he said he didn't much fancy the film after all, what about me? And then turned it off. I can't imagine he'd have done that if he was alone, I think he'd have watched anyway but he knows what happened to me.

Sounds like he was being thoughtful to me, ffs what on earth did you expect him to do?

I lay in bed last night wondering how to phrase breaking up with my partner because of how I feel.

I can't bring myself to have sex with him knowing he is currently watching something with so much sex in it

You'll have this issue with anyone you date to be fair unless they never watch anything, as you acknowledge yourself it's littered in most programmes for some reason. If there are other issues then of course end it, and if you aren't going to try and get support for how you feel about yourself then please end it for his sake.

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 12:51

Sounds like he was being thoughtful to me, ffs what on earth did you expect him to do?

That's why I wrote it. To show that he is thoughtful 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 12:54

I also know I'd have to stay single indefinitely too.

OP posts:
PawPrintsInMyPansies · 17/06/2023 13:00

This is so sad. OP, this is not a normal reaction. Please seek help.

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2023 13:04

It sounds to me like you should find some counselling and be single for a while

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 13:23

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2023 13:04

It sounds to me like you should find some counselling and be single for a while

I agree.

But I've had very extended periods of being single (10 years being the longest) and had so much counselling. I've done all the 'homework' I've been set. I've felt better about myself generally but this issue persists.

I do positive self talk for it but I can't stop the fight/flight response from happening. And I just don't get turned on when I'm in the middle of it all (like I feel I am at the moment). I just feel completely sexless. I don't even feel comfortable wearing make up or wearing nice clothes or anything. I can't compete with those women so why bother trying? I feel I need to just accept I am what I am and that is someone who just isn't good enough.

I just feel I need to accept it and stop trying.

OP posts:
Jjjy · 17/06/2023 13:57

This isn’t normal OP so you need to seek help.

Lifeafternarcabuse · 17/06/2023 14:32

Im so glad you posted this. I'm exactly the same. I've just actually looked at our continue watching on netflix and paramount dp watches things with loads of sex in.... game of thrones, californication etc etc and it makes me want to stop going near him if I am honest.
Sorry you feel like this it's horrible

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 14:35

Lifeafternarcabuse · 17/06/2023 14:32

Im so glad you posted this. I'm exactly the same. I've just actually looked at our continue watching on netflix and paramount dp watches things with loads of sex in.... game of thrones, californication etc etc and it makes me want to stop going near him if I am honest.
Sorry you feel like this it's horrible

Glad I'm not alone. But it is horrible. I'm sorry you feel this way too ❤️

OP posts:
Lifeafternarcabuse · 17/06/2023 14:39

I really don't know how we move past it.... 😕 we don't live together and the nights we are at our own houses it sit there knowing he's watching these things and it makes me ick... stay strong OP

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 14:43

To those women who don't mind it, do you not ever feel uncomfortable that your partner is being sexually aroused by something he's watching while you're together? Does it not bother you that he might wish you looked more like them or think about it while having sex with you?

Those are all the things that I worry about.

I don't want to have sex with someome who has become sexually aroused watching/thinking about other women. Especially if it was on something he's just watched or something we'd watched together.

I'm not stupid. I know this is probably the case anyway but for it to be so obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 14:44

Lifeafternarcabuse · 17/06/2023 14:39

I really don't know how we move past it.... 😕 we don't live together and the nights we are at our own houses it sit there knowing he's watching these things and it makes me ick... stay strong OP

Yeah, I know that one too Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 14:48

I'm not sure which is worse. That or when he puts it on at mine and I go up to bed while he's downstairs.

I always pretend to be asleep when he comes up so that he can't initiate sex with me afterwards. But I can't actually settle and fall asleep at all. Some nights I don't fall asleep for many hours afterwards because of all the adrenaline. Then again, I can't imagine he'd want sex with me after watching women who look so much better than me and I always presume he's had a wank before coming to bed anyway Sad

OP posts:
Doormatnomore · 17/06/2023 15:03

I can’t be doing with sec scenes but for different reasons, they’re about the least sexy things I can imagine. If you can only see 1 person then it’s just that 1 person jumping about. Have you wanted the videos by intimacy coordinators (or something like that) who explain how they are filmed? Everyone is wearing pouches and padding and has a long technical discussion beforehand about what goes where and where lights and cameras are. Once I saw that that’s all I can see, “male actors hand cannot go below belly button” “female actor cannot touch with more than 2 fingers” “no open mouths” “camera operator must not be able to see open leg”.
also they never take off more than 1 layer of clothes but manage penetrative sex.

I gave up on bridgerton cause it’s like some teen fantasy, going from naked bum to naked bum.

SoTired12 · 17/06/2023 15:15

FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 13:23

I agree.

But I've had very extended periods of being single (10 years being the longest) and had so much counselling. I've done all the 'homework' I've been set. I've felt better about myself generally but this issue persists.

I do positive self talk for it but I can't stop the fight/flight response from happening. And I just don't get turned on when I'm in the middle of it all (like I feel I am at the moment). I just feel completely sexless. I don't even feel comfortable wearing make up or wearing nice clothes or anything. I can't compete with those women so why bother trying? I feel I need to just accept I am what I am and that is someone who just isn't good enough.

I just feel I need to accept it and stop trying.

Show quote history

This was so sad to read OP, I feel really sorry for you feeling like this, I know how hard it is when you feel like you're worthless. You really aren't though and you deserve to feel secure and happy with yourself. What is it about yourself that makes you feel this way? ❤️

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 15:17

Doormatnomore

I do know all of that.

But I love Star Trek. I know it's all filmed in a studio but it didn't stop me from wanting to join Starfleet Academy.

To me, that's the se argument as women saying strip clubs are the least sexy thing imaginable. Clearly men don't think so or they wouldn't go.

OP posts: