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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

See scenes on TV...

109 replies

FeelingUgly · 16/06/2023 07:26

Do sex scenes on TV make anyone else feel inadequate?

I'm talking sex scenes in normal TV programmes and films.

I check imdb before I watch anything and won't watch if the sex/nudity rating is above none or mild. Tbh, even mild makes me feel uncomfortable.

If my partner puts something on and I don't feel I can watch it, I make excuses to leave - shower, tidying the kitchen, work to so, shattered and need an early night... none of them implausible reasons.

I have a really strong physical reaction to them (fight or flight response) so it's not something I can ignore.

I'd never say anything to him and I don't. But it's kills my libido knowing he's watched it. I just don't feel attractive in myself at all. I can't see how he would want to have sex with me or even find me attractive at all after watching them.

He's currently watching Peaky Blinders. I watched the first episode a couple of years ago and found it boring but I know there's a lot of sex in it. There's only so much I can find to do to busy myself in the evenings.

I can't even watch stuff on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 15:22

What is it about yourself that makes you feel this way?

Everything. My face, my body, things other men have said to me.

OP posts:
HarpyValley · 17/06/2023 19:53

OP, it feels like you have quite a simplistic view of male sexuality. (That’s intended as a simple observation, btw, not an insult.) It doesn’t automatically follow that your partner gets turned on watching every TV sex scene. I bet more than half the time he’s too tired, thinking about something else, not in a sexy mood, only half-watching because he’s on his phone, the actress isn’t his type…I very much doubt he’s sitting there with a stiffy every night wishing you looked like Keira Knightly or Lily James or whoever.

I really hope you can get the right kind of help to allow you to start to like yourself Flowers

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2023 20:12

It doesn’t bother me that my dh will find other women online or on tv sexually attractive; I find other men sexually attractive but it doesn’t mean I don’t love my dh and I would never cheat on him

StaunchMomma · 17/06/2023 20:29

I just find them annoying and irrelevant. 99% of the time they don't move the story along in any way and are just pointless.

Like, we know what a couple is, we don't need to see them shagging to know that's what they do!

DiddlyDoris · 17/06/2023 20:32

I can kind of relate.

I get very uncomfortable and try to avoid.

I think for me it also stems from an abusive ex used to get really angry and jealous at me if a sex scene, or even a topless male came on screen and would himself cover my eyes.

brunettemic · 17/06/2023 22:09

leggytroll · 16/06/2023 10:36

Outlander has a male rape scene but those are rare.

Hollyoaks did it years (I know to was ages because it was when I watched it!) ago, the whole setup was strange but it was a massive deal at the time.

brunettemic · 17/06/2023 22:10

FeelingUgly · 17/06/2023 12:05

No one is making those scenes for women. They're just for the titillation/sexual arousal of men.

Show quote history

You think the general male viewing audience enjoys watching women being raped and abused?

MortifiedSeptember · 17/06/2023 23:03

I hate porn and most films remind me of it. Those scenes take away from the stories, in my opinion. They can mention it quickly and be over and done with it.

I stopped going to cinema because of it. Except to watch kids films. At home I could fast forward but that leaves me with the feeling of possibly missed out on something crucial to the plot. So I watch reduced amount of films/ TV.

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 18/06/2023 13:02

brunettemic · 17/06/2023 22:10

You think the general male viewing audience enjoys watching women being raped and abused?

Show quote history

I think a significant number do.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 18/06/2023 13:03

MortifiedSeptember · 17/06/2023 23:03

I hate porn and most films remind me of it. Those scenes take away from the stories, in my opinion. They can mention it quickly and be over and done with it.

I stopped going to cinema because of it. Except to watch kids films. At home I could fast forward but that leaves me with the feeling of possibly missed out on something crucial to the plot. So I watch reduced amount of films/ TV.

Same here. I don't go ro the cinema anymore either for the same reason.

OP posts:
brunettemic · 18/06/2023 13:27

FeelingUgly · 18/06/2023 13:02

I think a significant number do.

Show quote history

Classic mumsnet insanity.

SammyScrounge · 21/06/2023 23:55

leggytroll · 16/06/2023 10:35

It's not an innocuous thing and Bridgterton's male nudity is usually portrayed by actors who are homosexual or playing a homosexual role so it doesn't really count in the extent of making a straight guys body conscious or give them a taste of the body insecurity because we already know that gay men generally tend to be better looking and more groomed. An equivalent to make a straight guy insecure is another straight hot guy like, idk maybe hugh jackman when he was ripped.

Gay men are better looking than straight men? I have never.noticed that and I know a fair few gay men.

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 24/06/2023 03:36

I thought I'd come back to this thread because it's 3.20am and I've been awake for an hour. Not because of this but its on my mind.I've had a really intense week at work this week and I've just been shattered when I get home. Some nights, I've had to do 3 hours work at home after an 11 hour day so it's just been intense. Anyway, it's not really relevant. But I've been going to bed early on the nights I haven't been working - around 9.30. He's stayed up and been watching Peaky Blinders..On Wedensday night, he tried initiating sex with me when he came up to bed. He never initiates sex mid week. Never. And I'm not having sex with someone because they feel horny after watching loads of sex on TV. So it didn't happen. But it made me feel like shit.Last night, I was home by 5. He came round, made dinner, we had a chat and then he spent 2 hours on his phone. No idea doing what but he had no interest in spending any time with me. Eventually, I just felt so uncomfortable that I went to bed. I just felt like he was waiting for me to leave so he could get on with watching something he'd rather watch (sex) than spend time with me. Which is exactly what he did. And, to compound it, I now feel he only wants sex with me when he's been turned on by watching sex on TV.I've had crap relationships before but I've never felt like this. And in every other way this felt like a good relationship until recently.It just feels over now.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 24/06/2023 15:22

He's stayed up and been watching Peaky Blinders..On Wedensday night, he tried initiating sex with me when he came up to bed. He never initiates sex mid week. Never. And I'm not having sex with someone because they feel horny after watching loads of sex on TV.

You do know that the majority of Peaky Blinders episodes didn’t have sex scenes? The above paragraph is based on the premise that the episode he watched had a) a sex scene and b) if it had, it aroused him. Your anxiety surrounding this issue is spiralling and maybe you really shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. It must be exhausting.

I am not the most confident person in the world but with age, I give less of a f£&ck what others think of me and that is very liberating.

There’s a lot going on in your posts and I feel you are projecting because there’s nothing in your posts that suggests your bf has done or feels the things you are accusing him of.

Moveoverdarlin · 24/06/2023 15:42

I don’t feel like this at all. If there is a hot man on TV having sex - I like watching it. Am I embarrassed watching sex scenes in front of my husband? No!! I think that’s odd in a normal relationship. I watched series 1 of Bridgerton on my own and I loved how raunchy it was. Same with Peaky Blinders, there’s pretty girls for male viewers and hot men for female, it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to watch it and also be happy to shag his own wife. He doesn’t expect you to suddenly look like the hot blonde off the telly. Same as I don’t expect my grumpy, hairy, 46 year old husband to suddenly look like Cillian Murphy with a rippling six pack. All this objectifying crap. I don’t feel objectified. I also don’t need to scurry out of the room when an ass cheek is aired.

Watching sex scenes with parents? Mortifying. But it’s strange to feel like this in front of your spouse.

Opentooffers · 24/06/2023 16:03

Your reaction is strong but not surprising given past experiences you've had, its not a usual thought process. You're making it personal and it's causing you to compare when this is not what people usually do when watching sex on TV. Never do I compare myself. You asked how others watch it, well if it's good scene I'm likely to get turned on just as much as any man watching it. If I was watching it with my fella, well the male actor would probably have a better physique than him on balance of probability, but in that moment, it would not cross my mind to compare him with it.
The problem is that in your mind you compare yourself, so you think that others must do, when in reality, they aren't.

WhisperGold · 24/06/2023 18:01

Men can appreciate the beauty of Manchester City or Barcelona. But what we really love is Huddersfield Town or Greenock Morton. Because that's who we have a relationship with, history, bonds, emotions.

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 24/06/2023 18:43

it’s strange to feel like this in front of your spouse.

I don't even watch stuff on my own.

OP posts:
GCSister · 24/06/2023 19:10

I understand that your past is influencing your thought process here so I really want to be kind so please don't see this as an attack on you.
From your posts it doesn't feel like your partner has done anything wrong.
You have gone to bed early and he's stayed up to watch a programme that is very mainstream. What do you expect him to do when you have an early night?

I suspect you won't agree but it is okay to have fantasies so even if watching something on TV has made him want to have sex that's okay and isn't a reflection on how how feels about you.

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 24/06/2023 19:35

GCSister · 24/06/2023 19:10

I understand that your past is influencing your thought process here so I really want to be kind so please don't see this as an attack on you.
From your posts it doesn't feel like your partner has done anything wrong.
You have gone to bed early and he's stayed up to watch a programme that is very mainstream. What do you expect him to do when you have an early night?

I suspect you won't agree but it is okay to have fantasies so even if watching something on TV has made him want to have sex that's okay and isn't a reflection on how how feels about you.

I don't see it as an attack. I know the problem is mainly how I see it.

I'm not giving reasons to justify it but more to explain my perspective in case anyone can help.

Of course, I don't expect him to follow me to bed early and, of course, it's fine if he watches something. But the fact he is he didnt speak to me all evening because he was on his phone and didn't suggest we did something together. It just felt like he was wanting for me to go so that he could watch it.

But I'm not a wank sock. If looking at another woman or watching sex on TV has turned him on, that's fine. But I don't want to be part of it. He never initiates sex midweek. There's no way it was anything to do with me. I would just feel used.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUgly · 24/06/2023 19:36

*waiting for me to go

OP posts:
HarpyValley · 24/06/2023 19:43

Did you suggest doing something together that evening, OP?

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 24/06/2023 19:47

brunettemic · 17/06/2023 22:10

You think the general male viewing audience enjoys watching women being raped and abused?

Show quote history

Well, if we’re honest here….

Original poster
FeelingUgly · 24/06/2023 19:50

No. I'd had a really intense week at work and was knackered. I obviously didn't expect him to go to bed at the same time as me and I wasn't up for doing much.

But hed spent all evening with me on his phone and then put it on as soon as I was out of the room. If he'd spent another half hour or whatever on his phone it would have felt less personal. But it shows on my phone when someone is casting to the TV and he did it as soon as I went upstairs. That's why it felt like he was waiting for me to leave.

OP posts:
GCSister · 24/06/2023 20:08

FeelingUgly · 24/06/2023 19:50

No. I'd had a really intense week at work and was knackered. I obviously didn't expect him to go to bed at the same time as me and I wasn't up for doing much.

But hed spent all evening with me on his phone and then put it on as soon as I was out of the room. If he'd spent another half hour or whatever on his phone it would have felt less personal. But it shows on my phone when someone is casting to the TV and he did it as soon as I went upstairs. That's why it felt like he was waiting for me to leave.

So what if he was really keen to start watching something? You're assuming it's because it might have sex in it .....there's nothing to suggest that's the case 🤷🏼‍♀️