Got the ick cos he has no friends

[Gottheick]

I'm currently OLD and a guy contacted me after matching and we had a conversation. We are both 33.

He told me he had wanted to go on a trip to a particular place but had no one to go with after he'd asked me to go but I was working that day. I asked him in a jokey manner if he has any friends. He said he has, but he 'keeps himself to himself' his words. I asked if he prefers to be alone and he said 'yeah mostly'.

We then accepted each other on instagram and it really doesn't look like he has friends. Photos with work colleagues older than him and his brother, but that's it.

I feel the ick. Yet I have no idea why as i'm not exactly miss popular either, although I would like more friends, it just doesn't seem to happen easily. I have about 4 close friends (if that) :(

Why am I feeling this way? He otherwise seems fine but i'm now looking for excuses as to why not to go on a date with him. I know its because of the friends thing.

I wonder if its past experience where 'loner' types I've attracted get too intense too soon and 'stalkerish'. And the general belief that loners can be a bit weird.

Yes I would find it slightly off putting and wonder if he was going to be incredibly 'needy' and over dependent on me for a social life etc (obviously that's projecting into the future).
I remember reading something about judging someone by the company they mix with and I think that can be a fairly good judge of character .. I met my DH years before on line dating (thank goodness) and we were involved in similar activities so had friends that knew each other etc. I could see how he mixed, good social skills are vital to me ... I know not everyone thinks like that.
I suppose there's no harm in meeting for a coffee date ... but if you are put off before even meeting him why bother?
I know it's not a popular opinion on Mumsnet but whenever I meet someone in RL who 'can't make friends' .. it's pretty obvious why, they are abrasive, opinionated, don't understand social norms, won't put themselves out for anyone else or only want to mix with clones exactly like themselves.

I think some people are very content in themselves and with their own company - they don't experience loneliness or boredom in the way that other people might, so just don't need friendships in a traditional sense. I don't consider this a character failing, just a difference in wiring - maybe his brother meets his friendship need or he has a full on job that sucks loads of time and energy and there's not much room left to cultivate new friendships.
I don't think it means he is narrow or has few interests or would lean on you for everything. He might be really interesting and kind and totally lovely as a boyfriend.

Also popular doesn't equal nice. Look at queen bee types - surrounded by fawning acolytes but are total bitches.
Or the guys who are life and soul of the party when in the pub with their mates, or away all weekend with their cycling/golf buddies, but are selfish lazy husbands who don't pull their weight with the kids!

I’d feel the same as you. I’d wonder what it meant for me if I was to be the entirety of his social life.

It's not about being 'popular', I think you've missed the point of the thread. It's about wither a lack of wanting to have friends or the inability to form close friendships with people which is making op feel uncomfortable.

I don’t have a picture on Instagram with any friends. Maybe there are idiots out there that think I have no friends. They would be wrong 🤷‍♀️

It depends what he does instead of having friends. If his life is healthy and happy, no problem. But I'd be worried if he collected human tissue samples in jars, or subscribed to gun magazines.

He might have been a 'victim' of circumstances. Someone who has moved home, or has come out of a relationship where it was very insular, or has been in an abusive relationship and is now trying to find their place in the world, or has had friends pass away, or has grown up in a culture or environment that was alien to them, or is shy, or has just been unlucky ... there are many reasons why he might not have friends. Won't automatically mean he's going to be intense and stalkerish!!

The whole “Got the ick” thing is so naff. It’s just something invented by downmarket women’s magazines and clickbait blogs; the perfect justification for ending a relationship that can’t be argued with. “It’s not my fault, I got the iiiiick, once you’ve got the ick there’s no going back, it can’t be helped”.

Just own it. You don’t need to justify it - if you don’t want to go out with him, don’t. You think he’ll want too much from you, which is a valid enough reason not to take it any further. If you’re already having doubts at this stage, it’s not going to get any better.

You can reject a potential date for whatever reason, no matter how spurious or 'mean'. If you're feeling the ick at this stage, I wouldn't bother.

My husband is very introverted and only has one friend whom he seems every few weeks for coffee, whereas I’m very extroverted and outgoing with lots of friends and I see them regularly, he struggles with social situations that are more than 4 people and I understand that and love him anyway.

His whole life is about me and our dog and he’s amazing! We run businesses together and get on great, we do run out of things to say at times as we spend 24/7 together but there’s no one else I’d want to be married to, We complement each other!

I think it would be a nightmare for me if I married another extrovert.

When I was 33 I had a number of friends but probably very few who I could go on a day out with. The reason was simply that at that age most of us now lived a long way apart or had very young children.

My concern is that he wouldn’t be willing to go on a day out by himself.

My partner (11 years) has no friends. I'm very social and have almost too many relationships to keep up with. Well, he has one from school who he sees about once a year and he'll go for a pint with colleagues every now and then but he's not sociable.
He does have hobbies more so than me - he'll be out exercising or working on a project whilst I just veg in front of the tv.
I love him very much and it's not an issue - he's perfectly able to socialise with my group when needed.

My H has lots of friends- but absolutely zero that live locally of the kind you would go on a day trip with- I think this is common but I know he himself finds it odd but he works for himself, isn't in to sport etc -

Update- so I let him down gently, said i've been busy so not much time to plan dates, hope he understands. And he accepted that and was even nice about it. (If you change your mind etc)

So I felt good with my decision. If I got the ick so early on, it wasn't a good sign.

Anyway, we had one day where he didn't message. And then he's messaged asking if i've had a good weekend!! 😑Now i'm getting the ick again because he isn't getting the message that im not interested. Why don't they get it?

He probably doesn’t get it because you lied to him and “let him down gently, said i've been busy so not much time to plan dates”

Communication isn’t your strong point is it?

@LillyoftheMountain If a guy said that they were too busy too date at the moment, I would take the excuse for what it is and move on.

If someone is really interested in someone, surely they would make time despite being busy. I said to this guy, I am too busy. Nothing about a date at a later time.

Fair enough if you don’t like him but don’t rule out introverts completely. My DP is an introvert and is the most interesting and loving man I’ve ever known. My extrovert ex was more concerned with his social status than his own family. YMMV

Going to church tends to be a very social event though... it's a large part of why people go!