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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting husband OR am I confused?

101 replies

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 11:33

Husband announced we are going on holiday later this year. Very excited, he knew this. I start looking for holiday clothes, even book 2 weeks off work as annual leave.

8 weeks later, husband announces 'well we're not going on holiday anymore as you weren't acting excited enough, you should have been acting happier and more grateful'

I replied with, well you've already paid a 50% deposit, I was very excited, I'm not going to be jumping up and down about it every day for 8 weeks since you told me?

Turns out he never booked anything, I delete my saved clothes I was buying and cancel leave from work.

A few weeks later, he announces that yes, in fact we are still going on this holiday. I told him, you cancelled it as I wasn't acting how you wanted me to about it?

He denied any of the event ever happened? Completely denies it and tells me I obviously got my wires crossed? Did I f*. I know exactly what happened.

He plays games like this. When we first met, he sent me a booking to a holiday in the maldives, had a countdown on his phone for months, I booked time off work etc etc. 2 weeks before we are due to go, he tells me he has lost the booking, cant find it so we cant go. ...

So many other occasions where he tells me something, I'm excited looking forward to it, and then he takes it away, sometimes because im not deserving enough, or just sometimes because he's an arse?

Why on earth is he playing games like this? What would you do if your husband was like this?

OP posts:
SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 12/06/2023 11:36

Why on earth is he playing games like this? What would you do if your husband was like this?

Grey rock, get ducks in a row, leave.

Jonnycakes · 12/06/2023 11:36

What would you do if your husband was like this?

I’d leave. Simple. Leave him to his games. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s got form for it! Why are you doubting yourself when he’s done it before. Get out before he drives you crazy.

ginslinger · 12/06/2023 11:45

Oh you need to get out - I'm not one for shouting Leave to posters but this is serious stuff.

Setting · 12/06/2023 11:46

Why are you looking for answers, when it is to leave? I promise none of that behaviour is remotely normal, I could tell you every bit you posted is wrong and not a loving relationship.

PuffinsRocks · 12/06/2023 11:46

Why does your thread title ask if you're confused? You know full well you're not confused. Get out of this stupid relationship he's a dick.

ABugWife · 12/06/2023 11:47

The only reasonable response here is to leave.

Do you have children?

TolkiensFallow · 12/06/2023 11:49

Yes he’s gaslighting you. Don’t waste your time on him.

SiobhanSharpe · 12/06/2023 11:50

He is abusing you with this and he knows it. And probably enjoys it.
He will deny it until hell freezes over, all you can do is give him an ultimatum that it stops now or you will leave. And do it.

magicstar1 · 12/06/2023 11:50

I can't understand how you didn't run a mile the first time he did it....you actually married him after that Maldives fiasco? Did you really believe that he "couldn't find the booking"?

backawayfatty1 · 12/06/2023 11:53

No my husband wouldn't do this as he isn't abusive but my ex was.

Complete the freedom programme & leave OP. You deserve better

Fatat40 · 12/06/2023 11:53

There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to start.

The only sensible option for you is to leave him and get some therapy to understand why on earth you've put up with it for so long.

Do you want to do that? If you do you can get all sorts of advice & support here.

If you don't, then a thread full of "omg leave him" helps no one.

LakeTiticaca · 12/06/2023 11:57

He's a twisted gaslighting narcissistic and in your situation I would be running fast and far away from him. He sounds horrible

JorisBonson · 12/06/2023 11:58

That's such a cuntish thing to do!

OhComeOnFFS · 12/06/2023 11:59

He sounds insane. He gets off on confusing you, making false promises, gaslighting you and watching you get upset.

Do you have children together? A mortgage? If you rent, whose name is on the tenancy?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/06/2023 11:59

You’re not confused. He’s a gaslighting emotionally abusive cunt

leave him

Pollywoddles · 12/06/2023 12:03

I can’t believe you married him after the Maldives stunt and I’m finding it hard to believe that you would consistently let him do this to you. Surely you know it’s not normal? Tell him to stick his holiday up his hole and get the fuck out.

perfectcolourfound · 12/06/2023 12:04

I would make him not my husband.

Seriously. Really seriously. You need to get away from this man. He is playing with your reality. Playing with your emotions. Gaslighting. Lying. Setting you up to look forward to something then pulling it away from you. Expecting you to be grateful to be going away? Like he's doing you a favour?

Besides, why does he get to decide when you go on holiday? If you want a holiday, book the time off work, plan the holiday for somewhere you'd love to go. Buy those new clothes. Look forward to it and enjoy it.

But without him. He's bad news and not acting with your best interests at heart. He's actively trying to detroy you.

EyelessArseFace · 12/06/2023 12:08

He will deny it until hell freezes over

^ This. He's a gaslighting, cruel, manipulative shit, he's doing it on purpose, and he enjoys the power it gives him. I'm with others, you need to split before he drives you crackers.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/06/2023 12:08

He sounds like he has serious mental health issues or he's suffering from desparately wanting to be a big spender and show off without the actual wonga to follow through

Either way he's an idiot and I would move on

MandyMotherOfBrian · 12/06/2023 12:10

What would you do if your husband was like this?

I wouldn’t have a husband like that. Because I’d have left years ago.

TedMullins · 12/06/2023 12:12

magicstar1 · 12/06/2023 11:50

I can't understand how you didn't run a mile the first time he did it....you actually married him after that Maldives fiasco? Did you really believe that he "couldn't find the booking"?

This! He did it in the early stage of your relationship and you still married him?! WHY? this is really sinister and abusive, he gets a kick out of belittling and confusing you. Leave

TragicMuse · 12/06/2023 12:14

I'm going to take a wild guess that this isn't the only thing he does that isn't kind or loving. Or normal. Or reasonable.

My husband is not a person who expresses 'excitement' in an outwardly perceivable way. Does that mean I tell him we're doing something and then cancel it as a punishment? No. I don't. He's who he is. It's not a deal-breaker that he doesn't skip around demonstrating excitement.

For your husband to do this is game-playing, designed to make you dance to some unknown tune. It's unkind and not the actions of a loving person.

I think you should seriously think about your options here. You can leave for any reason, or no reason. If this is your breaking point that's ok. It's enough.

Or you can live your life always uncertain about whether you're showing you're excited enough, if the nice thing will be taken away, if there's any point trusting anything he says...

Up to you. I know what I'd do.

P1ckledonionz · 12/06/2023 12:18

Please leave.

Please, PLEASE leave.

You deserve a good life without these kind of mindgames taking up even one second of your time, thoughts and energy.

You will never be able to change someone who is capable of this level of manipulation.

notokaywiththetropes · 12/06/2023 12:22

I wouldn't have married him. He told you who he was when you first met, he did this right away, but you stayed anyway and married him and put up with this every time.

Basically, he plays these games because you let him. You're playing with him.

spuddel · 12/06/2023 12:24

This is unbelievable. Literally.