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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting husband OR am I confused?

101 replies

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 11:33

Husband announced we are going on holiday later this year. Very excited, he knew this. I start looking for holiday clothes, even book 2 weeks off work as annual leave.

8 weeks later, husband announces 'well we're not going on holiday anymore as you weren't acting excited enough, you should have been acting happier and more grateful'

I replied with, well you've already paid a 50% deposit, I was very excited, I'm not going to be jumping up and down about it every day for 8 weeks since you told me?

Turns out he never booked anything, I delete my saved clothes I was buying and cancel leave from work.

A few weeks later, he announces that yes, in fact we are still going on this holiday. I told him, you cancelled it as I wasn't acting how you wanted me to about it?

He denied any of the event ever happened? Completely denies it and tells me I obviously got my wires crossed? Did I f*. I know exactly what happened.

He plays games like this. When we first met, he sent me a booking to a holiday in the maldives, had a countdown on his phone for months, I booked time off work etc etc. 2 weeks before we are due to go, he tells me he has lost the booking, cant find it so we cant go. ...

So many other occasions where he tells me something, I'm excited looking forward to it, and then he takes it away, sometimes because im not deserving enough, or just sometimes because he's an arse?

Why on earth is he playing games like this? What would you do if your husband was like this?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 12/06/2023 14:14

This is just fucking insane OP.
How on earth can you live with this?

HideousKinky · 12/06/2023 14:22

If this pattern has been repeating since the Maldives incident, which you say was when you first met, I don't understand why you would go on with the relationship and end up marrying him? What were you thinking?

ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 14:23

He enjoys seeing your distress.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 12/06/2023 14:25

He enjoys your pleasure in the 'treat' he offers you and your gratitude.
Perhaps he also enjoys the power to hurt and distress you when he withdraws this treat?

Don't believe him when he offers and don't believe him when he tells you you are wrong about what he said previously. He lies and you now know it.

I can see someone falling for this once - but why would you ever believe him when he offered you a treat again? (Judge people on what they do not on what they say.)

You are not a cat jumping after a toy on a string.

If you are happy in your relationship - stay but know that he lies and enjoys teasing you. Play along if you like - but never be hurt by this again.

Organise your own treats and holidays. Never let yourself down!

contrary13 · 12/06/2023 14:25

What would I do if my husband did this...? I'd find a fucking good divorce lawyer.

My daughter's "father" was like this. Even at 18, I knew it wasn't reasonable, normal behaviour - so I left him. Easier to do when unmarried, I know, but at the time I didn't know that I was pregnant. When I found out, and he was informed, he spent the next 6 months berating me because I "wasn't excited enough". Ruined my pregnancy/early weeks with my daughter. Moments that I will never get back - even though I have another child, she was my first experience of the whole shebang, and even though I knew what he was like... he was still in my head. So I fought like hell to get him out of my head and, to the best of my knowledge, he's not been around my daughter since she was 3 weeks old (she's now 27 years!).

They lose interest when they know you're not giving them the headspace they get off on having.

As a PP says, it's psychological - their endorphins flow when they're in control of a situation, but actually proving themselves is too much effort. For my ex, he got off on berating me, but when it came to the crunch of being a father... too much effort (thank fuck!).

I hope you listen to all of us, and to reason, and leave him. He's damaged - but not in a way you can ever fix, I'm afraid. The last I heard of my ex was he was divorced with 3 small kids, whom he was telling their mother was dead (she's very much not - but they were living in the Middle East, so he automatically got full custody). All I could think was of the lucky escape I and my daughter actually had, All because I listened to my gut.

@beansontoast15 - listen to that niggle of unease in yours. It's never too late to leave an abuser. And, like my ex, yours IS abusive with a capital 'A'.

CaloundraBlues · 12/06/2023 14:26

This is actually pretty shocking, what a nasty, cruel man he is OP. You need to leave!

Bobshhh · 12/06/2023 14:28

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

SuspiciousDuck · 12/06/2023 14:31

Tell him you don’t love him because he’s a sadistic jerk and are going to leave.
then tell him he was imagining it.
then leave

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/06/2023 15:00

You are in quite a strong position at the moment, you have a job and it doesn't sound as though you have DC. If he is tormenting you like this now, just imagine how shit your life would be if you were vulnerable in any way, for instance if you lost your job or had a small child to look after. He is getting pleasure from what he's doing and he's not going to stop, in fact he's almost certainly going to ramp it up whenever the opportunity arises and he senses weakness.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/06/2023 15:06

Naw bugger that. If my dh did this I'd book a holiday for myself and not invite him. I'd tell him to use the time alone to find a divorce lawyer as I'm done with him.

FictionalCharacter · 12/06/2023 15:36

spuddel · 12/06/2023 12:24

This is unbelievable. Literally.

I remember a similar post a few months ago, where someone had a new BF. He said he was treating her to a trip to the Maldives (or somewhere like that), then suddenly said something at the last minute like oh sorry, the booking didn’t go through, and bought her some crap present for her birthday instead.
Maybe it’s a coincidence but it feels a little bit like a trip to the Land of Tall Stories.

Merryoldgoat · 12/06/2023 15:41

I cannot believe someone would be stupid enough to marry a person who did this to them.

BlastedPimples · 12/06/2023 15:43

Op, this is really frightening stuff. Please leave this twisted man.

Imagine never having to listen to his bs again.

Hatscats · 12/06/2023 15:45

He is awful!!!

Paperbagsaremine · 12/06/2023 15:45

He plays games like this. When we first met, he sent me a booking to a holiday in the maldives, had a countdown on his phone for months, I booked time off work etc etc. 2 weeks before we are due to go, he tells me he has lost the booking, cant find it so we cant go. ...

So many other occasions where he tells me something, I'm excited looking forward to it, and then he takes it away, sometimes because im not deserving enough, or just sometimes because he's an arse?

Er, I'm just bewildered why you married him in the first place OP!!

Did you by any chance get brought up by parents who conditioned you to think that this is acceptable and not deeply weird and bad behaviour?

Because it is weird and unpleasant behaviour. It's not the behaviour of someone who loves and cherishes you and who plans to grow old with you in a home filled with mutual trust and support. Which is what to look for in a spouse.

I know the past is fixed, for good and bad, but the future is yours to wrestle to your advantage.

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:43

Hello everyone! Thanks for your replies, I appreciate your time.

So ... I went back after the Maldives fiasco because I got pregnant. I spoke to my mum who said 'you know, a bit of bravado is a good thing, it means he is the one'...... Fu**ing shite advice, from a shite mother.

I understand why I fell for his crap and continued to with the mother, and the upbringing I had.

Anyhow, I am done with my husband.

Ducks are being aligned .....

I guess my post was that I feel this was a good example of the crap I put up with from him, and there has been so much!

I have zero family support.

We had an argument a week ago now, and I am still suffering from an anxious belly because of it.

He kept on trying for a fight, I asked him, a minimum of 10 times, to please stop, please leave me alone, until I was physicallly sick. And a week on I'm still feeling sick.

I will apply for an occupational order and divorce then change the locks I think.

OP posts:
beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:43

Hi! I was! I was dumb as a box of rocks.

OP posts:
beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:45

FictionalCharacter · 12/06/2023 15:36

I remember a similar post a few months ago, where someone had a new BF. He said he was treating her to a trip to the Maldives (or somewhere like that), then suddenly said something at the last minute like oh sorry, the booking didn’t go through, and bought her some crap present for her birthday instead.
Maybe it’s a coincidence but it feels a little bit like a trip to the Land of Tall Stories.

I wish I was telling a tall story. I was dumb, but had rubbish example of a relationship growing up. Think, Catholic family with a pregnant daughter, and you might understand why I went back.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 12/06/2023 16:46

@beansontoast15

What would you do if your husband was like this?

Leave as soon as I could

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:46

ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 14:23

He enjoys seeing your distress.

He does, he saw me get physically sick because of him and he kept on going at me.

OP posts:
beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:47

ABugWife · 12/06/2023 11:47

The only reasonable response here is to leave.

Do you have children?

Yep, twins! The most beautiful, adorable children I will add.

30 hours 'free' kick in in February 2024.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 12/06/2023 16:49

Good luck @beansontoast15 x

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:50

Setting · 12/06/2023 11:46

Why are you looking for answers, when it is to leave? I promise none of that behaviour is remotely normal, I could tell you every bit you posted is wrong and not a loving relationship.

I guess because I know I need to divorce. But I have bad family advice, so Mumsnet is the next best thing in terms of wanting to hear what I know to be true. He's an absolute shit, and he doesn't deserve to be married to me.

Thing is, if I divorce him, I lose my parents. But at this point, I don't care!!!

OP posts:
beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:51

BlastedPimples · 12/06/2023 15:43

Op, this is really frightening stuff. Please leave this twisted man.

Imagine never having to listen to his bs again.

He does frighten me. He made me physically ill. A week later, I'm still ill.

I keep rushing off to the toilet, & having to take anti sickness medication.

OP posts:
beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:53

Merryoldgoat · 12/06/2023 15:41

I cannot believe someone would be stupid enough to marry a person who did this to them.

Hi! Thankyou, I was dumb. Sooooo, dumb.

OP posts:
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