Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting husband OR am I confused?

101 replies

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 11:33

Husband announced we are going on holiday later this year. Very excited, he knew this. I start looking for holiday clothes, even book 2 weeks off work as annual leave.

8 weeks later, husband announces 'well we're not going on holiday anymore as you weren't acting excited enough, you should have been acting happier and more grateful'

I replied with, well you've already paid a 50% deposit, I was very excited, I'm not going to be jumping up and down about it every day for 8 weeks since you told me?

Turns out he never booked anything, I delete my saved clothes I was buying and cancel leave from work.

A few weeks later, he announces that yes, in fact we are still going on this holiday. I told him, you cancelled it as I wasn't acting how you wanted me to about it?

He denied any of the event ever happened? Completely denies it and tells me I obviously got my wires crossed? Did I f*. I know exactly what happened.

He plays games like this. When we first met, he sent me a booking to a holiday in the maldives, had a countdown on his phone for months, I booked time off work etc etc. 2 weeks before we are due to go, he tells me he has lost the booking, cant find it so we cant go. ...

So many other occasions where he tells me something, I'm excited looking forward to it, and then he takes it away, sometimes because im not deserving enough, or just sometimes because he's an arse?

Why on earth is he playing games like this? What would you do if your husband was like this?

OP posts:
Dashel · 12/06/2023 16:53

I am glad you are going to make plans to leave. He is an arse and you and your DC deserve so much better.

As well as dealing with the practicalities of splitting I would look at techniques to help you with your stress, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, speaking to the dr etc. I am sure it will improve so much when the split is done.

I would grey rock him as much as possible and whilst you are get organised I wouldn’t give him or your family any warning of what you are planning. I would try my hardest to keep my distance from him and not rise to anything.

Yo7 will not be able to count on him in the future and I would get access arrangements sorted out legally and not rely on him for any special occasion as he will likely to continue to mess you about.

Setting · 12/06/2023 17:03

@beansontoast15 yoi said if you divorce him you will lose your parents? Then they are also part of the problem and it sounds like you need to be free of them too

FictionalCharacter · 12/06/2023 17:04

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:45

I wish I was telling a tall story. I was dumb, but had rubbish example of a relationship growing up. Think, Catholic family with a pregnant daughter, and you might understand why I went back.

Apologies. It just seems so extreme and so similar to another thread which was also extreme.
I do understand how family/ religion can force people into bad situations.
Well done on planning your escape. Brighter days ahead 💐

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 12/06/2023 17:18

What you've got to ask yourself is why on earth is he still your husband

For the love of your sanity go and see a solicitor and get rid, then go on an amazing holiday to celebrate 🍾

knittingaddict · 12/06/2023 17:53

FictionalCharacter · 12/06/2023 15:36

I remember a similar post a few months ago, where someone had a new BF. He said he was treating her to a trip to the Maldives (or somewhere like that), then suddenly said something at the last minute like oh sorry, the booking didn’t go through, and bought her some crap present for her birthday instead.
Maybe it’s a coincidence but it feels a little bit like a trip to the Land of Tall Stories.

I remember that thread too.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/06/2023 18:16

I keep rushing off to the toilet, & having to take anti sickness medication.

You couldn't be pregnant could you? Make sure that you double up on contraception.

Fairislefandango · 12/06/2023 18:20

What would you do if your husband was like this?

Leave. He's a nasty, manipulative twat.

CantGetDecentNickname · 12/06/2023 18:25

So sorry you are going through this OP. I think it is all about control and he is enjoying the fact that he can make you ill by dangling a "carrot" in front of you and then whisking it away just as you get near. He is truly nasty. Recommend grey rock technique for him while you visit a lawyer and line up the ducks.

So, he says "we're going on an exotic holiday" and you say "yes dear" and do nothing - don't buy any gear for holiday or book time off work. Nearer the time when he says "we're not going", you just say "yes dear". When he sees you are not bothered, you can just casually say, "well it's usually just a tall story with you so I didn't take it seriously".

Do, as a PP has suggested, book your own holiday with a friend and your/their kids and don't tell him. Also, don't on any account have any more kids with him. If he tries to argue with you, walk away and keep on grey rocking. If he keeps it up to make you physically sick, make sure you get close and vomit on him.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 12/06/2023 19:09

He enjoys seeing you scramble. Getting you happy then ripping it away. He enjoys the control and you feeling on the back foot.

Plain and simple he's fucking with your head on purpose.

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2023 19:41

Who does this?! He is clearly on a mission to upset you.

cracktheshutters · 12/06/2023 22:14

Wow, he’s totally sadistic and it’s great you’re planning on leaving, your children will grow up not seeing their mother terrorised by their father and you’re going to save them so much damage

Dery · 12/06/2023 23:03

I can’t believe how toxic some of the Hs are in this evening’s posts. He’s utterly horrible, OP. As you say, you’ve been terribly let down by your parents and it’s good that you can see what has led you to be vulnerable to someone like this. This will be very helpful in getting you to move on.

CheeseTouch · 12/06/2023 23:24

He’s a sadist and very controlling. Imagine your physical symptoms melting away as you free yourself of him. 💐

REignbow · 13/06/2023 02:47

Well @beansontoast15 you are not sooooo dumb now! Well done, for knowing this is abusive sadistic behaviour and the fact that you are putting plans into leaving him. Your not So DM is just collateral damage, your life is Not a dress rehearsal so you have to live it the way that you want it to be.

You will feel like a new women when you lose this dead weight.

I would grey rock him, try and get some counselling to help with your anxiety and contact WA for help.

PennyLane453 · 13/06/2023 03:16

Wow! Sorry you have to deal with that but I would suggest leaving too. That isn't love.

savethatkitty · 13/06/2023 03:37

Think of your children in this scenario. You had crap parents. Don't let your kids grow up seeing this behaviour & thinking it is normal. Divorce ASAP & ditch your parents, they sound awful too (sorry).

Dazedandbemused0 · 13/06/2023 05:28

This is so messed up on so many levels. I’d leave for sure.

MaryJanesonabreak · 13/06/2023 07:01

Well done for working it all out while the children are so young; you made a massive mistake and now you are working your way out of it.
Congratulations on your twins!
Remember that it’s not your fault you got brought up with such a rubbish compass and it’s going to take some hard work on your part to fix it. Otherwise history will repeat itself.
Abusers have a radar for women with a broken compass.

LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 07:01

This is gaslighting. Your husband is not right in the head and you need to get out.

ErinAndTonic · 13/06/2023 09:12

Surely this thread isn't real?

Nanaof1 · 13/06/2023 10:07

I'd leave. He enjoys this game. He enjoys getting your hopes up and then deflating them. I would even dare say he gets off on it. You are playing right into his web and you need to kick this dud to the curb.

His behavior, doing that kind of "give and take away", is psychopathic behavior. He just does a much milder form, at this point, than the ones who go full throttle. You wish to wait for him to go full throttle?

I cannot even fathom why you married him? He showed you his true colors the first time he did this. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.

Nanaof1 · 13/06/2023 10:11

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:50

I guess because I know I need to divorce. But I have bad family advice, so Mumsnet is the next best thing in terms of wanting to hear what I know to be true. He's an absolute shit, and he doesn't deserve to be married to me.

Thing is, if I divorce him, I lose my parents. But at this point, I don't care!!!

The thing is, if your parents actively pushed you into marriage and will "disown" you if you leave it, they are exactly people you should not have around you or your children.

Sometimes it's better to create a family with friends than let your biological family destroy your self-worth.

jannier · 13/06/2023 13:50

beansontoast15 · 12/06/2023 16:43

Hello everyone! Thanks for your replies, I appreciate your time.

So ... I went back after the Maldives fiasco because I got pregnant. I spoke to my mum who said 'you know, a bit of bravado is a good thing, it means he is the one'...... Fu**ing shite advice, from a shite mother.

I understand why I fell for his crap and continued to with the mother, and the upbringing I had.

Anyhow, I am done with my husband.

Ducks are being aligned .....

I guess my post was that I feel this was a good example of the crap I put up with from him, and there has been so much!

I have zero family support.

We had an argument a week ago now, and I am still suffering from an anxious belly because of it.

He kept on trying for a fight, I asked him, a minimum of 10 times, to please stop, please leave me alone, until I was physicallly sick. And a week on I'm still feeling sick.

I will apply for an occupational order and divorce then change the locks I think.

Your not dumb. Your a victim that's not your fault ....he's abusing you Domestic Abuse line may help.
Your mother is awful not a Christian bone just a what will the neighbours say selfish attitude.
You will be fine and move forward without them.

Quitelikeit · 13/06/2023 13:56

This guy sounds like he has psychopathic tendencies

Is he in a highly paid job?

can I ask what is his occupation

randomuser2019 · 13/06/2023 17:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Swipe left for the next trending thread