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Original poster

Should I take up his offer?

83 replies

ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 19:29

Can anyone suggest what I should do?

Been seeing a man for 1.5 years. It was never a relationship but we message each other almost every day and fancy each other. When I met him he had recently come out of a 4 year relationship and wasn’t really ready for anything serious.

He offered me a casual relationship but I said no, I wanted to be his girlfriend or nothing. This has been an ongoing discussion for the past year with him not being able to let me go but not committing to me either.

He is also seeing another woman but they haven’t had sex. She has chronic health conditions and sex is an impossibility in her case but they are more than friends.

She’s probably the main reason why we are not in a relationship because I have implied he would have to give her up to be with me.

In November she has taken a project in another country so won’t be around as much.

I have already had children, haven’t had much success with online dating. I would ideally like an exclusive relationship but I don’t have any aim of getting married again or moving a man into my house. My ideal set up would be, see each other 2-3 times a week. Go to the cinema, theatre, plays together. Have a sexual relationship. No combined finances or anything.

I really like this man. He makes me laugh and I enjoy his company.

Should I take up his offer of a non exclusive relationship or not?

OP posts:
EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 19:35

He's basically offered you the option of him having his cake and eating it.

Is that something you really think you could cope with long-term?

prayforthecottransfer · 11/06/2023 19:39

To protect your feelings, it'd be better to cut all ties with him. He's been completely transparent with you that you'll never be real girlfriend material for him.

If you think you can have a casual setup wherein you don't have hurt feelings then go for it, but I expect you hope that he will change his mind. He won't.

Find someone who respects you for who you are - you're worth more.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2023 19:40

I really like this man. He makes me laugh and I enjoy his company.

The heartbreak iceberg is on the horizon. Steer away from it.

INeedAnotherName · 11/06/2023 19:41

No, walk away. You won't find another person while you are still emotionally invested in him.

MaterDei · 11/06/2023 19:43

You have stated you want to be his girlfriend and his offer isn't exactly this so why you would consider it I do not know.

TheSnowyOwl · 11/06/2023 19:46

No, keep your self respect and find someone who will be exclusive.

newyearsresolurion · 11/06/2023 19:53

He's obviously treating you like a second option. unless your really desperate I have a feeling your heart will be broken

Whataretheodds · 11/06/2023 19:56

You've been clear about what you want (well done) and his offer is basically him saying he doesn't want you enough.

You deserve better.

toodlesofoodles · 11/06/2023 19:58

You've posted about this before. She thinks they're gf/bf and he's stringing your along until she fucks off in September.

He's awful.

loveacuddle1 · 11/06/2023 19:59

I couldn’t do it OP.
I’d let him go… and stop the daily texting. There is no incentive to give you what you want while you are still in such regular contact

pictoosh · 11/06/2023 20:01

No. You want a loving, committed relationship and he's playing the field. You'll get dreadfully hurt.

Quitelikeit · 11/06/2023 20:04

May I ask what illness prevents him having a sexual relationship with his other woman

Keitharingsbitch · 11/06/2023 20:10

Your bar can't be that low to contemplate anything but binning him off? I understand not everyone wants marriage and a full on relationship. So I don't want it to come across like I'm judging by these social norms. But you are absolutely worth more than this. Especially if you wanted to be his girlfriend maybe although you want to keep things light, you do actually want commitment. Which he absolutely isn't about.

Please get rid of him

AreWeThereYet69 · 11/06/2023 20:30

No, I couldn't be with someone under these circumstances. You've told him your needs and he's not interested in meeting them.
You can do better than him, you know you can.

Cc1998 · 11/06/2023 20:42

He is also seeing another woman but they haven’t had sex. She has chronic health conditions and sex is an impossibility in her case but they are more than friends.

You can't know this.

Original poster
ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:48

In answer to some of the questions.

Could I cope with it long term?
I think if I never met his other woman or women I could imagine that they don’t exist and I could cope. If I got confronted with the reality of him being affectionate with someone else it would break my heart.

Her health condition?
He says she has chronic pain. Obviously I haven’t met her and I don’t know for sure. I’m just going by what he has told me.

In truth I would only be entering this with the expectation that it would evolve into something more committed.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 11/06/2023 20:49

I am confused

You say you have been seeing him for a year and a half

But also told him you aren’t up for a casual relationship

But you are aware he is seeing someone else

If you are ‘seeing him’ you are already in a casual relationship with him. There’s nothing to take him up on.

But you have wasted 18 months on a man you really want more from and he isn’t giving it to you. Why? He has been really clear and you are holding on hoping he changes his mind. You need to work on your self esteem. Get rid and find someone who wants the same things you do.

Hoppinggreen · 11/06/2023 20:50

ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:48

In answer to some of the questions.

Could I cope with it long term?
I think if I never met his other woman or women I could imagine that they don’t exist and I could cope. If I got confronted with the reality of him being affectionate with someone else it would break my heart.

Her health condition?
He says she has chronic pain. Obviously I haven’t met her and I don’t know for sure. I’m just going by what he has told me.

In truth I would only be entering this with the expectation that it would evolve into something more committed.

You are hoping that he will fall in love with you and ditch his girlfriend.
Its unlikely

Original poster
ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:52

@ProfessorXtra It has been ambiguous for a long time. We haven’t had sex for a year since I was strict about what I wanted. I have cut things off many times and he misses me and wants to see me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:53

I just wondered if this is how people do relationships these days?? Maybe I’m being ridiculous by denying myself the intimacy that I want with him.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 11/06/2023 20:55

ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:52

@ProfessorXtra It has been ambiguous for a long time. We haven’t had sex for a year since I was strict about what I wanted. I have cut things off many times and he misses me and wants to see me again.

So you are in a celibate, but emotionally involved casual non relationship.

You weren’t strict at all. You are still seeing him even if it’s just emotional not sexual. You are investing time and energy into a man who doesn’t want you. He is still getting the ego boost of you dropping hints about wanting to be with him. And ego boost from you staying in contact, hoping he finally commits.

You are incredibly naive if you think he isn’t having sex with you and isn’t having sex with the other woman he is seeing or anyone else.

He doesn’t have to ‘let you go’. You could end it.

Casual relationships are fine. Not an issue. But it is an issue when one is far more emotionally invested and only entering it, in the hope there’s going to more. Because there rarely is.

Onelifeonly · 11/06/2023 20:59

I don't think you should. You say you want commitment eventually. But it seems he only wants casual and he may get bored after a while and seek novelty, while you are unlikely to get the commitment you want. He sounds fun and I can see why you are torn, but try to imagine how it may play out on the future and how you'd feel then. Its one thing to live apart and keep finances separate, which is very attractive, but you can have this WITH commitment too.

MorfMorfer · 11/06/2023 21:02

Don't lower your standards. He wants to have it all his own way.

What you need is a committed relationship. He doesn't want that yet he has the time to be committed to other women. This is a red flag that you must not ignore.

If you alter your needs to put his wants first you will only be unhappy.

You both want different things. You might like him alot etc but he's not right for you.

He's certainly hoping you will take his bait. He wants you sexuallly and nothing else. You deserve more than tbat.

Stop seeing him, you're wasting your time.

Whataretheodds · 11/06/2023 21:44

ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:53

I just wondered if this is how people do relationships these days?? Maybe I’m being ridiculous by denying myself the intimacy that I want with him.

No, this isn't "just how people do relationships now"

He's not offering the intimacy you're looking for. He's offering sex when it suits him, and no exclusivity.

samqueens · 11/06/2023 21:45

ConfusedHarriet · 11/06/2023 20:52

@ProfessorXtra It has been ambiguous for a long time. We haven’t had sex for a year since I was strict about what I wanted. I have cut things off many times and he misses me and wants to see me again.

look - you’ve said what you want. He has made it clear he isn’t prepared to give that to you, he has also made it clear that he is unable to respect your wishes (ie. to stay away unless he will commit). It’s not ideal that you tolerate this from him, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is showing you that he is:
utterly self absorbed,
unable to put someone else’s feelings before his own
thinks his needs should take precedence regardless of how that makes you feel.

In short - he has shown you repeatedly that he is selfish and does not hold you in high regard and that he is uninterested in, or unable to, prioritise your feelings. This won’t change whether you sleep with him or not.

I suggest this is not someone to lower your standards for. Cutting ties now opens up the possibility of meeting a decent person, and at least averts the obvious pain of inherent in this entanglement.

remember Maya Angelou’s words - “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

This guy ain’t it. Move on.

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