Should I take up his offer?

[ConfusedHarriet]

Can anyone suggest what I should do?

Been seeing a man for 1.5 years. It was never a relationship but we message each other almost every day and fancy each other. When I met him he had recently come out of a 4 year relationship and wasn’t really ready for anything serious.

He offered me a casual relationship but I said no, I wanted to be his girlfriend or nothing. This has been an ongoing discussion for the past year with him not being able to let me go but not committing to me either.

He is also seeing another woman but they haven’t had sex. She has chronic health conditions and sex is an impossibility in her case but they are more than friends.

She’s probably the main reason why we are not in a relationship because I have implied he would have to give her up to be with me.

In November she has taken a project in another country so won’t be around as much.

I have already had children, haven’t had much success with online dating. I would ideally like an exclusive relationship but I don’t have any aim of getting married again or moving a man into my house. My ideal set up would be, see each other 2-3 times a week. Go to the cinema, theatre, plays together. Have a sexual relationship. No combined finances or anything.

I really like this man. He makes me laugh and I enjoy his company.

Should I take up his offer of a non exclusive relationship or not?

No, of course not.

In truth I would only be entering this with the expectation that it would evolve into something more committed.

Which it won't. It never well. He's being crystal clear and you're not listening.

Stop trying to change the mind of emotionally unavailable men.

NO. He’s treating you both very badly. He’s not a good man. He’s telling you deeply personal things about her, -and I wonder if she knows about you at all?
he can’t be trusted.

dump him, OP. As someone said - you won’t be able to find a quality, good man if you’re caught up in this unclear tangle.

I will go against the grain and say why not. You don’t seem to want a serious relationship yourself either, in the sense that you don’t want it to go anywhere, so it is going to have to be a casual thing.

I’m a man - no it’s not. Sorry!

That's exactly right.
He doesn't care about your feelings or hers.

No it wouldn’t, well it would at first. Then he still wouldn’t choose you and you would be more emotionally invested.

i have been where you are. The reason you feel like you aren’t ever chosen is because you spend time emotionally investing in places where you shouldn’t be even be spending time. While you are doing that you are shut off to everything else.

Think about it. If you want a grass lawn. What do you do, you look after it. You get rid of the weeds, feed the lawn, poke the air holes etc. if you water the weeds and spend time looking after them, and ignoring the grass part, the lawn will eventually be just weeds. You didn’t want a law full of weeds. But that’s what you spent you time looking after. You put in the work. But focused on the wrong thing. you having a casual sexual relationship and destroying your own boundaries is looking after the weeds.

in my case it was actually fear of commitment. I wanted a good relationship but terrified of actually committing and getting screwed over. So I chose men where I knew that wouldn’t be an issue. Not consciously. I still ended up getting hurt. Because it wasn’t healthy.

He's a cake man steer clear

@ConfusedHarriet

Stop being confused! He's been crystal clear, he does not want a committed relationship with you. He won't change because you start going to the cinema!

Also, how likely is it that a woman travelling for work has chronic pain so bad she can't have a sexual relationship? Seriously. Come on.

you deserve better, there ARE other men out there, you don't need to settle for his crumbs.

You're always going to want it to be more and worry about who he's with when he's not with you.

This isn't about you not being enough. This is just that you haven't found the right person for you. He isn't it.

I don’t understand why he keeps coming back and rekindling the situation

Because you let him.

And he enjoys the attention, enjoys feeling desirable.

I doubt it’s you but why are you trying to be in a relationship with a man who is already in one?
Find someone who is available fully

He kept her secret from me for a long time, by which time I was hooked. Then he said they were just friends. Then that they had split up. He constantly tells me he doesn’t fancy her and that it’s doomed. I would never go for someone who is attached. It’s completely against my beliefs.

My friend said this too.

I would hate to have attention from someone who I was leading on. It would make me massively uncomfortable.

I have chronic pain and it doesn't stop me having f sex.

But how will you feel when you aren't doing those things because he's with her?

Like a PP points out, you also have clear limits on what you want him to be for you - put reductively, someone to go out with a couple of times a week and sex. Maybe you're not that far apart.

He constantly tells me he doesn’t fancy her and that it’s doomed. I would never go for someone who is attached. It’s completely against my beliefs
Come on OP- you’re not this dim.
He IS attached to someone else, he’s telling you all about her personal health issues.
This is not a good man.
Charming men work on their act so they can charm you/ trick you.

Do you genuinely believe that a man with any sort of moral fibre would play around with the hearts of two women at once?
Even if you become his girlfriend, he WON’T be committed.

This is not a good man

But now you know he’s in a relationship and your beliefs seem to no longer matter

Hes very obviously in a relationship with whoever... He is having sex with her but hes hedging his bets and keeping you hanging so he can maybe have sex with you again too.

Don't believe what he says about the woman he is with until you see her.

Best to stop speaking to him and concentrate on finding someone who will treat you way better than he does.

No this isn't how relationships are. This isn't a relationship. It's a man who is stringing you along either because he likes the attention, likes a having a 'plan B' in place, it feeds his ego or he enjoys playing with your feelings for entertainment.

One this is for certain - he doesn't want a relstionship with you. You've made it clear to him you are here, waiting. He knows he could have a full relationship with you, including the sex he tells you he doesn't get in his current relationship.

Think about it.... his gf has a chronic condition, can't have sex, yet he chooses her over you again and again... he must really, genuinely love her.

He knows if he left her he has you in the wings, just waiting to have a 'full 'relationship, but still he chooses her.

What you know about him:
He's a potential chear
He lies (to you and to his gf)
He isn't that bothered about you

Why would anyone want this man as a bf? He is far from a catch.

And there's nothing wrong with you that's making him like this. It's just who he is. You won't feel special while ever you are chasing him.

Don’t do it. I also have chronic pain but can enjoy a full and active sex life. Obviously I don’t know her condition but sounds like he does want his cake and eat it. If you enter a casual relationship with him you’ll only end up hurt, trust me