Should I take up his offer?

[ConfusedHarriet]

Can anyone suggest what I should do?

Been seeing a man for 1.5 years. It was never a relationship but we message each other almost every day and fancy each other. When I met him he had recently come out of a 4 year relationship and wasn’t really ready for anything serious.

He offered me a casual relationship but I said no, I wanted to be his girlfriend or nothing. This has been an ongoing discussion for the past year with him not being able to let me go but not committing to me either.

He is also seeing another woman but they haven’t had sex. She has chronic health conditions and sex is an impossibility in her case but they are more than friends.

She’s probably the main reason why we are not in a relationship because I have implied he would have to give her up to be with me.

In November she has taken a project in another country so won’t be around as much.

I have already had children, haven’t had much success with online dating. I would ideally like an exclusive relationship but I don’t have any aim of getting married again or moving a man into my house. My ideal set up would be, see each other 2-3 times a week. Go to the cinema, theatre, plays together. Have a sexual relationship. No combined finances or anything.

I really like this man. He makes me laugh and I enjoy his company.

Should I take up his offer of a non exclusive relationship or not?

Not enough to choose you over his existing relationship though

Exactly.

I don’t understand why I’m never chosen. Why I’m never good enough to be special to someone.

Oh OP - you are enough. You are good enough and special enough and all the enoughs. You just have to believe it and, when you don’t, fake it til you make it and behave as though you won’t tolerate being taken for granted, even if it’s not how you feel inside.

So when you draw a line in the sand with this guy (even though you want to entertain his advances, and even though you want to see if you can get an different outcome) you behave as though YOU believe you deserve more than this shoddy treatment. You just don’t respond to him.

You should be the person choosing someone wonderful - not hoping someone who is obviously a man child chooses you.

(and PS be warned that if you manage to cut ties he may well come crawling back offering what you want, or pretending to, but it won’t change who he is. He has already shown you what kind of partner he would make So don’t get sucked back in).

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and feeling this way, but he is actively contributing to keeping you trapped in these feelings. Get rid of him and focus on you. You deserve waaaaaaay better

I know how hard it is - I really do - but trust me it’s endlessly soul destroying to tolerate this kind of BS

I think for this to work you'd have to want to be a thruple. With you and her v close friends and him loving you both. But sounds like he chooses her and she lets him sleep with others, she's his partner just no sex. And you would hate that.

He pissing you about.

And sounds like a lot of work. And a head fuck.

NEXT!

You're already in an exclusive relationship with him.

He's not in an exclusive relationship with you.

"I don’t understand why I’m never chosen. Why I’m never good enough to be special to someone."

Why are you letting them do the choosing? You are good enough to be special to someone but you won't meet him all the time you're clinging on to the ones who mess you about.

OP l think you have posted about this already. lf l'm correct you got lots of replies advising you to drop this guy who was not sincere in his intentions, and was pestering you for sex whilst refusing to give up the woman he was in a relationship with because she allowed him access to her creative world. Your replies were unanimous...drop him and go no contact.

You've posted about him before haven't you?

The advice won't change. He's not worth the amount of emotional investment you are currently giving him.

It has nothing to do with you not being good enough to be special to someone. It's because you're wasting your time with men who don't value you, who don't see how special you are. The problem is them, not you.

That said, and in this instance, you're wasting your time with the wrong man (for you). He has told you quite clearly he does not want to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

Have some self-respect and move on.

Yeah I was gonna say this is the same guy isn’t it who’s stringing along this poor woman for her connections and career, her housemates hate him and he’s also leading you on. The advice hasn’t changed just because you’ve worded it differently, he still sounds like a dick.

It won’t. You told him that’s what you want and he declined. If he wanted to be with you in a committed relationship, quite simply, he would be

It just hurts so much. I don’t understand why he keeps coming back and rekindling the situation. I suppose he’s just interested in himself.

It just hurts so much

Do you really think that giving in and taking him up on his offer will ease that hurt?

@TedMullins (great username btw) yes he's using her for her connections and op is waiting in the wings for crumbs.

He is a piece of shit and op needs to realise their worth.

I think getting to spend more time with him, having intimacy with him, going on dates with him, etc, would be nice.

@ConfusedHarriet wouldn't you wonder the whole time if he was just using you until his next meal ticket came along?

He is using her. That's not a nice personality trait in someone. He's using you. He is not a nice person or relationship goal.

OP He is doing it because he can, and because you allow him to mess with your heart. He knows you really like him and want an exclusive relationship, you've made it plain, but that's not what he wants. Self interest is indeed his priority, he is just a capricious user. Save yourself further grief and block him on everything.

OP - you say you have been seeing him for 1.5 years. But you also said there had been no sex for a year.
What does ‘seeing him’ actually mean to you currently?

In your place - I’d just continue dating and seeing what else is out there. Rather than wait for this guy to make up his mind - which he isn’t likely to do.
He isn’t ready to date. He just doesn’t want to date YOU.

Personally - I’d date him on your terms - sleep with him, if this is what you want. BUT only until I met someone better.

He has "offered you" a casual relationship? How kind of him. 😆😆

When you've told him that you want a proper relationship with him. That is insulting actually, and means he is not respecting your boundaries which you have stated clearly.

I've nothing against casual relationships if that's what both people want. But it's not what you want with him, you've told him that. Effectively his reply is "I do not have those feelings for you but would you like some sex sometimes while I do whatever I like and you can't say a word about it because you agreed in advance this was ok?"

You can't start a casual relationship with someone you have feelings for. It will not work. You will get your heart broken. Ditch him - you'll feel so much better in the long run that you broke it off, not him.

You need to get some respect and love for yourself.

NO! Run for the hills.

I don’t know why you are still in his life at all, he’s made zero effort to give you what you want but you are giving him a flirty ‘possibility’ type relationship even now. And of course there’s probably a sexual element to his other female friend, sex doesn’t have to be just intercourse.

I thought it sounded familiar!

You may really like him but he only mildly likes you OP. When a man really likes a woman, he dies t want to see anyone else. He's made it clear where you are on his priority list. You are sort of half way down.