Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is my husband cheating?

80 replies

ChristinaB1203 · 10/06/2023 07:10

Hi, looking for some advice, should be concerned or am I being paranoid.

Me and my husband have been together 5 years and have a DS who is 2. We have a lovely life together.

But recently he told me that if we weren't together he probably would persue a relationship with one of the women he works with. This upset me obviously but we moved pasted it.

However last weekend I found out he had been liking every photo of her on social media, messaging her all the time and then went paddleboarding with her 1-1 and lied to me about it and told me he went with his other friends. Only when backed into a corner did he tell me the truth.

Had it out with him and told him all of this wasn't appropriate and that I'd rather he didn't message her unless about work, not to meet 1-1 with her and no reason for him to be following on social media. He agreed and I thought we'd moved on.

However not even a week later I find out he's been to her house to collect a paddleboard he says, has changed his passcode on his phone and when I challenged why 'because he wants his privacy', he finally uplocked his phone and he has continued to message her and re added her on all social media. But I think what's hurt the most is I found from these messages that he was planning to paddleboarding again today alone with her and lie to me about it.

He swears they are just friends and I am being paranoid but why the lying and secrets?

So am I being paranoid and unreasonable or is all of this not appropriate and he should be spending time with his family and not her.

Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

GoodChat · 10/06/2023 07:15

If he's keeping secrets it's betraying you regardless of whether he's actually cheating or not.

He's choosing to risk your relationship to retain his friendship with her. Thats a huge problem.

Velvian · 10/06/2023 07:17

He knows that he is being duplicitous and that he is having an inappropriate relationship, otherwise he wouldn't be hiding it.

Velvian · 10/06/2023 07:23

Sorry, you asked for advice. I think the best way to nip this in the bud is to bring it into the light of day.

I would tell your parents and his parents factually that you are having problems as DH has been meeting up with a woman and lying about it, that he has been messaging her secretly and they work together. Preferably in front of DH.

I think DH will probably have to change jobs if he wants to stay married.

Marineboy67 · 10/06/2023 07:26

Sad as it is this not an ordinary friendship your husband is having. He's got his wife and family domestically at home and his girlfriend from work to have fun with. He's already told you he'd be with her if he wasn't with you, why on earth are you letting him get away with it? Currently he has the best of both worlds.
Bring it to an end today, your bring cheated on, walked over and completely taken for granted. Complete bastard!

tiggergoesbounce · 10/06/2023 07:26

I can't stand liars !!
Lying about anything is a massive no-no to me. If he wants to continue this friendship as it's perfectly innocent, then be honest about it.

I always said i would never let a partner control me so I would not let my husband tell me who i can or can not be friends with. I may offer for him to join my paddleboarding session to meet this other person. Maybe, im not sure.
And if he gave me ultimatums about my friendships and our relationship, im not sure i would continue a relationship with him. Where there is no trust, there's no relationship.

DustyLee123 · 10/06/2023 07:28

It’s an emotional affair, even if it’s not gone physical yet. I’d end it and kick his arse out. And he’s a liar too.

C1N1C · 10/06/2023 07:29

Disagree with Velvian completely. You're adults, don't bring parents into it!

The vibe I'm getting is that he does fancy her and he IS trying, but he hasn't got anywhere yet. The point is, you've brought it into the light of day and he's still trying... so I agree, he either changes jobs or you just acknowledge that it's over.

Lillygolightly · 10/06/2023 07:30

You are not be paranoid I can tell you that much!

I would tell him to pack his bags and fuck off to her then, because there is no way I would be sitting at home with our child waiting for him to come home while he is off having his jollies with OW! If he wants it her, he can pay the price for it and really feel exactly what it’s going to cost him. There is no way I would allow him to lie to me while he effectively dates her, he ain’t having his cake and eating and I suggest you don’t let him either! Tell him to do one!

Velvian · 10/06/2023 07:34

@C1N1C , it doesn't have to be parents, it could be friends. The trouble is that if OP keeps his secret for him, she is in danger of being convinced by his gaslighting.

The shine will really come off it for him if it is discussed openly. He can no longer pretend that it's all fine, they're just friend, Ozp is controlling etc. Cheaters really benefit from the injured party keeping their secret for them.

workworkworkugh · 10/06/2023 07:34

They're not just friends though (for him), as he's admitted he would pursue her if he could.

Isthisexpected · 10/06/2023 07:42

Ultimately he is risking cheating by telling himself he would never have a physical affair and they're just friends. But that is how most affairs begin! Genuine no intentions, just colleagues who slowly transgress into sharing too much, spending too much time together etc.

I would also bring light to this and tell other people including family and innocently ask what they think. No one will tell him it's ok to hang out 1:1 with a new female colleague he fancies (even without lying!).

She's not a friend from before you met. She's a potential love interest. He's risking everything here.

SpringleDingle · 10/06/2023 07:44

It’s the lying… he’s trying very hard to have an affair.. Total deal breaker for me!

EVHead · 10/06/2023 07:46

What an arsehole. Don’t put up with this.

Maybe just an emotional affair at this stage, but you’ve no way of knowing if they’ve had sex, and you can’t believe a word he says.

Ducks in a row time.

pilates · 10/06/2023 07:50

This is leading to a full blown affair if not already.

perfectcolourfound · 10/06/2023 07:54

He's treating with utter disrespect, and he must think you're stupid (you clearly aren't).

He's told you that he fancies her, and would be with her if he was single.
He's been out with her, alone (and lied about there being other people there)
He's exchanging messages with her, even after telling you he wouldn't.
He's lied, and continues to lie. He would have been meeting her today if you hadn't found out.

He's cheating. They might not have slept together yet (but might have) but that's beside the point - he's talking to and meeting up with another woman who he fancies, on their own and behind his wife's back. That's cheating.

He's lying too. Lying ruins relationships. Without trust there's no relationship.

Don't let him gaslight you in to thinking this is OK. I bet he wouldn't be OK with it if it was you seeing another man and lying about it. (And if he was, he doesn't think much of you).

Honestly, in your shoes I would say to him 'I know you're cheating and lying. You're lying to me so you can spend time with another woman who you've told me you fancy. I won't be lied to and I won't be cheated on. I'm worth much more than that. If you like her, go to her. I deserve better.'

cracktheshutters · 10/06/2023 08:02

Sounds like it. How awful for you. Please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way, there are many men who wouldn’t treat you like this. Unfortunately it sounds like you may need to start getting your ducks in a row rather than sit around waiting for what might happen. If it isn’t with her, and he’s in the frame of mind to have an affair, it’ll eventually be someone else. You’re worth more than this OP

solice84 · 10/06/2023 08:03

He's not exactly being discreet about this is he
I'd be furious
I'd be giving him an ultimatum, her or you.
You can't stop him if he wants to be with her you can only decide how much shit you're willing to put up with and decide if you want to wait for him to leave you for her or you leave him first if he refuses to stop messing about .

MadeForThis · 10/06/2023 08:07

He's lying to you so he can spend time with her.

That would be enough for me.

Anoushkaka · 10/06/2023 08:07

Parents do not need to be involved. They are both adults. It's between husband and wife to deal with their problems.

Carby86 · 10/06/2023 08:12

I genuinely have no idea why someone in a committed relationship would think it was ok to tell their significant other that if they were single they would pursue a particular person.
Unless you are giggling at a bar together and both jokingly picking out randoms.

I think you have to straight up tell him that his behaviour was hurtful, it hurt your self confidence and was an awful thing to say to someone you love.
And because of that you need time apart. He can move in with his parents and then he'll have to admit to them why he is there.
And you can use the time to remind yourself that you are totally capable of doing this alone to create a better future.

BeyondMyWits · 10/06/2023 08:16

Anoushkaka · 10/06/2023 08:07

Parents do not need to be involved. They are both adults. It's between husband and wife to deal with their problems.

But it is not up to a wife to pretend everything is OK to protect the husband's reputation with family etc.

"How are you? You seem a bit preoccupied/upset" (question asked of me just before a break up) Can be answered honestly. You don't have to choose "I'm ok" over the truth...

JFDIYOLO · 10/06/2023 08:23

Even if it's not a physical affair (yet) it's an emotional affair.

He's literally told you he'd be after her if you basically were out of the way.

He's fixating on her private life and her appearance by poring over her social media and pictures.

He's lied about a lot.

He's being secretive and locked his phone.

He has fun with her, they share a hobby, they do an exhilarating physical activity together that doesn't include you, and are probably not wearing a great deal so he's getting a good look.

He's persistently going back and still associating with her, even after you asked him not to.

You've already tried to deal with this behaviour with him - but it hasn't worked. He's just gone underground with continuing the behaviour.

The choices:

Personally I'd be contacting her asking her to leave him alone and respect your marriage and your child, but that may not be your style.

Time for an ultimatum with him, and be prepared, it may not go the way you want.

Or let it go on. Until he jumps.

JFDIYOLO · 10/06/2023 08:26

Pressed too soon
... Or take matters into your own hands, get the famous ducks in a row, and make plans to end it with him.

This can't be allowed to go on, can it. He's having a lovely time. But as always, the I'll treated wife isn't.

PrimalOwl10 · 10/06/2023 08:31

Hes taking you for a mug op.

NothingbutaHounddog666 · 10/06/2023 08:35

Velvian · 10/06/2023 07:34

@C1N1C , it doesn't have to be parents, it could be friends. The trouble is that if OP keeps his secret for him, she is in danger of being convinced by his gaslighting.

Absolutely agree.

This so called 'friendship' needs outing. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Why should OP become complicit in her own abuse by keeping her husband's inappropriate behaviour secret.OP is clearly struggling as her husband is lying and gaslighting her.

If it were me I would be telling friends and family and also contact the woman and ask exactly what she is playing at. I would tell my husband if his
inappropriate behaviour isn't curtailed the marriage is over and he moves out. Very often the mere exposure of a potential affair can nip it in the bud. If husband is brought back from the brink, then moving forward counselling is needed to find out what has gone wrong, if their relationship is worth saving and if so how to rebuild the walls of the marriage.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread