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Original poster

Is my husband cheating?

80 replies

ChristinaB1203 · 10/06/2023 07:10

Hi, looking for some advice, should be concerned or am I being paranoid.

Me and my husband have been together 5 years and have a DS who is 2. We have a lovely life together.

But recently he told me that if we weren't together he probably would persue a relationship with one of the women he works with. This upset me obviously but we moved pasted it.

However last weekend I found out he had been liking every photo of her on social media, messaging her all the time and then went paddleboarding with her 1-1 and lied to me about it and told me he went with his other friends. Only when backed into a corner did he tell me the truth.

Had it out with him and told him all of this wasn't appropriate and that I'd rather he didn't message her unless about work, not to meet 1-1 with her and no reason for him to be following on social media. He agreed and I thought we'd moved on.

However not even a week later I find out he's been to her house to collect a paddleboard he says, has changed his passcode on his phone and when I challenged why 'because he wants his privacy', he finally uplocked his phone and he has continued to message her and re added her on all social media. But I think what's hurt the most is I found from these messages that he was planning to paddleboarding again today alone with her and lie to me about it.

He swears they are just friends and I am being paranoid but why the lying and secrets?

So am I being paranoid and unreasonable or is all of this not appropriate and he should be spending time with his family and not her.

Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
evrey · 10/06/2023 11:02

I am so angry in your behalf OP . How dare he treat you in that way! Please don't do the pick me dance . Walk away with your head held high! You deserve so much better.

GG1986 · 10/06/2023 11:07

Wow if my oh said that to me and continued to message and see her I would be gone!! He is being disrespectful to you and your son by continuing this, he is not just her friend, he fancies her and wants to be around her and have his little family and house. Sorry you have to put up with this crap.

Iceicebabytoocold · 10/06/2023 11:11

He is cheating on you, they might not have been physical yet but he is lying to you. He is having an emotional affair. I am so sorry for you. You need to decide what you want but this will take a while to get over whatever you decide to do.

lalalallala · 10/06/2023 11:22

What matters here is the extreme disrespect for you and your feelings, whether they already have an affair or not.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 10/06/2023 11:30

JFDIYOLO · 10/06/2023 08:23

Even if it's not a physical affair (yet) it's an emotional affair.

He's literally told you he'd be after her if you basically were out of the way.

He's fixating on her private life and her appearance by poring over her social media and pictures.

He's lied about a lot.

He's being secretive and locked his phone.

He has fun with her, they share a hobby, they do an exhilarating physical activity together that doesn't include you, and are probably not wearing a great deal so he's getting a good look.

He's persistently going back and still associating with her, even after you asked him not to.

You've already tried to deal with this behaviour with him - but it hasn't worked. He's just gone underground with continuing the behaviour.

The choices:

Personally I'd be contacting her asking her to leave him alone and respect your marriage and your child, but that may not be your style.

Time for an ultimatum with him, and be prepared, it may not go the way you want.

Or let it go on. Until he jumps.

Personally I'd be contacting her asking her to leave him alone and respect your marriage and your child, but that may not be your style.

Urgh how pathetically desperate.

@ChristinaB1203 chuck him back op. He's already gone.

JFDIYOLO · 10/06/2023 11:38

Oh well done OP! Any thoughts she might not be aware of you and your DC all gone with your update - she baited the hook and cast her line and hooked him with all the 'don't I look nice in a wetsuit on a paddle board' schtick.

They will either now get together - or she will dump him in horror, realising what this will do to her reputation.

After a bit he'll come oozing back (possibly prompted by his mum/DC's granny) and start rolling out phase one of the Script - Mr Nicey. Tears, apologies, promises, I'll do better, flowers, presents, romantic trips bla bla. If you take him back or god forbid get pregnant it will all start again because you'll have shown him the reward for seeming sorry is everything falling back in his lap.

But beware that if that fails the next step is Mr Nasty.

Whatever happens, you need a support network - your family and friends who know the truth and will stand by you and not be swayed by lies.

All best.

Jk987 · 10/06/2023 12:08

He said he'd persue a relationship with her if he wasn't married to you, that means he finds her attractive and a friendship is unlikely to be platonic I'm afraid.

No, you are not being paranoid.

recoveryvehicle · 10/06/2023 12:12

He said he would pursue a relationship with her if he wasn't married to you but he is pursuing a relationship with her!

YoucancallmeKAREN · 10/06/2023 12:14

They are having an affair. Pack his stuff and when he gets home tell him to either continue the affair or leave. Make sure you have a copy of his pension, current and any savings accounts and payslips. He has no respect for you or your child.

GreyCarpet · 10/06/2023 12:15

MyNameisMathilda · 10/06/2023 10:04

Warning this woman off won't turn him into a faithful husband. There will always be another.

This.

Hoppinggreen · 10/06/2023 12:15

Whether he’s actually bonking her or not is irrelevant.
He’s sneaking around and lying to you

Cas112 · 10/06/2023 12:19

I just read this to my partner, to get a man's perspective and he instantly said yes, or your is planning to.

Cas112 · 10/06/2023 12:20

Cas112 · 10/06/2023 12:19

I just read this to my partner, to get a man's perspective and he instantly said yes, or your is planning to.

Husband*

GreyCarpet · 10/06/2023 12:20

OP, even if she sees it as a platonic friendship, he doesn't. You know that because he's told you how he feels about her!

It might never become a full blown affair but his intentions are not good.

I was friends with a couple. I spent a lot of time with the husband alone because his wife would encourage us to go out and do stuff together or would cancel at the last minute so he and I would end up going alone saying she trusted us both. She was a bit of a homebird and wasn't interested in pubs, gigs, etc. She liked being at home and would stay in with their children (and mine!) so that we could go out. She saw it an innocent and a guarantee that he wouldn't have an affair...

She was half right. She could trust me. But he told me one day he was in love with and made a pass at me. I haven't seen either of them since.

And this was a genuine (on my part) friendship with his wife's full approval. It didn't guarantee good intentions or no feelings on his part though.

GreyCarpet · 10/06/2023 12:23

To add, I think it was a genuine friendship on his part too to begin with but feelings develop when people spend time together having fun.

Your husband has already told you he has feelings for her. So you don't even need to wonder about that. You know.

Mix56 · 10/06/2023 12:53

Please dont be swayed by MIL either, he will tell her any old bullshit to pacify.
She will say its platonic, he's sorry.
Remember she doesn't want him living there, & will encourage you to sweep it under the carpet

username1722 · 10/06/2023 16:50

It sounds like there isn't going to be much you can do. He clearly wants to stay in touch with her on a personal level. It could easily be completely platonic and they are JUST paddleboarding.

However, regardless of whether he is cheating or not, he is lying to you.

For me, this would be a dealbreaker because how can you possibly trust what he says anymore?

Franticbutterfly · 10/06/2023 19:32

I think the horse has already bolted. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like not to want to believe it.

Isthisexpected · 10/06/2023 19:55

GreyCarpet · 10/06/2023 12:23

To add, I think it was a genuine friendship on his part too to begin with but feelings develop when people spend time together having fun.

Your husband has already told you he has feelings for her. So you don't even need to wonder about that. You know.

This is why Shirley Glass says it's dangerous territory to be friends with someone who you could technically be romantically involved with. She suggests sticking to friends from before your relationship started, friends with couples or friends with the sex you don't fancy.

justprance · 10/06/2023 19:57

Sorry this is happening to you, OP.
I hope he gives his head a shake.

Koffdrops · 10/06/2023 20:09

I promise you that she'll come to regret this. She already knows he's a faithless shit who can't be trusted. Sounds like they deserve each other. Concentrate on yourself, DS and what you want.

Daisydu · 10/06/2023 20:22

It’s all wrong!! Give him an ultimatum. Get rid of her out his life 100% or marriage is over. It’s as simple as that: he’s crossed too many boundaries

Snowy2022 · 10/06/2023 20:41

wow. so he was waiting to be kicked out of the house??

Unicorn2023 · 12/06/2023 14:50

@ChristinaB1203 Hope you are ok 🤗♥️

lookingforhomemum · 03/08/2023 23:11

ChristinaB1203 · 10/06/2023 07:10

Hi, looking for some advice, should be concerned or am I being paranoid.

Me and my husband have been together 5 years and have a DS who is 2. We have a lovely life together.

But recently he told me that if we weren't together he probably would persue a relationship with one of the women he works with. This upset me obviously but we moved pasted it.

However last weekend I found out he had been liking every photo of her on social media, messaging her all the time and then went paddleboarding with her 1-1 and lied to me about it and told me he went with his other friends. Only when backed into a corner did he tell me the truth.

Had it out with him and told him all of this wasn't appropriate and that I'd rather he didn't message her unless about work, not to meet 1-1 with her and no reason for him to be following on social media. He agreed and I thought we'd moved on.

However not even a week later I find out he's been to her house to collect a paddleboard he says, has changed his passcode on his phone and when I challenged why 'because he wants his privacy', he finally uplocked his phone and he has continued to message her and re added her on all social media. But I think what's hurt the most is I found from these messages that he was planning to paddleboarding again today alone with her and lie to me about it.

He swears they are just friends and I am being paranoid but why the lying and secrets?

So am I being paranoid and unreasonable or is all of this not appropriate and he should be spending time with his family and not her.

Any advice appreciated

I'm sorry to read this. This sounds like an inappropriate relationship he has with another woman, who he seems to be hiding any meetups with AND has told you he'd have a relationship with them if you weren't there (what a pr!ck). Of course you're upset and suspecting the worst, I would be too. Do I think he is cheating? I don't know... but have you ever asked him this directly? Maybe you could and see how he responds? If that fails, follow him? Maybe next time he says he is out and sounds suspicious, you could just follow him or go to the place he says he is going to. I think the lying about meeting this other woman until you've had to back him into a corner is just a red flag for the future. I hope he will grow up and has not betrayed you, but I guess you will not rest until you know.... Wishing you luck.

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