Is my husband cheating?

[ChristinaB1203]

Hi, looking for some advice, should be concerned or am I being paranoid.

Me and my husband have been together 5 years and have a DS who is 2. We have a lovely life together.

But recently he told me that if we weren't together he probably would persue a relationship with one of the women he works with. This upset me obviously but we moved pasted it.

However last weekend I found out he had been liking every photo of her on social media, messaging her all the time and then went paddleboarding with her 1-1 and lied to me about it and told me he went with his other friends. Only when backed into a corner did he tell me the truth.

Had it out with him and told him all of this wasn't appropriate and that I'd rather he didn't message her unless about work, not to meet 1-1 with her and no reason for him to be following on social media. He agreed and I thought we'd moved on.

However not even a week later I find out he's been to her house to collect a paddleboard he says, has changed his passcode on his phone and when I challenged why 'because he wants his privacy', he finally uplocked his phone and he has continued to message her and re added her on all social media. But I think what's hurt the most is I found from these messages that he was planning to paddleboarding again today alone with her and lie to me about it.

He swears they are just friends and I am being paranoid but why the lying and secrets?

So am I being paranoid and unreasonable or is all of this not appropriate and he should be spending time with his family and not her.

Any advice appreciated

I'd say he was stepping into affair territory. This to me says he's having EA, if it hasn't already progressed to more.
I don't think forcing him to leave his job is the answer, there's nothing to stop him making plans to see her behind your back anyway regardless of where he's working .He's shown you he's a liar.
He seems very determined to carry on seeing her and it will be hard to force him to stop if he doesn't want to, he sounds incredibly disrespectful and unpleasant.
You have to decide what you want to do, are you happy to stay with someone who is actively chasing after another woman with a view to having an affair. If this isn't the case and they were just friends he wouldn't be changing his passwords etc, and wouldn't be messaging her and arranging to meet her behind your back. Those are the actions of a cheat.

@ChristinaB1203
But recently he told me that if we weren't together he probably would persue a relationship with one of the women he works with. This upset me obviously but we moved pasted it.

What sort of person is brazen enough to tell their partner that! Then think it’s ok to go on days out with her! I’m so angry for you 🤬 Tell him today he's welcome to her. Not only has he let you down but he’s also letting your son down and that I couldn’t forgive because instead of spending Time with him on his days off he’s living his best life with someone else and lying about it! Fuck him and her you deserve so much better 😢 ♥️

Have you thought about approaching the other woman?

Not in a blaming way, but to actually ask her? There’s a good chance she just sees him as a friend.

or ‘accidentally’ bumping into them while paddle boarding? Her reaction will tell you a lot!

I think this relationship is dead in the water, and I’d be leaving him regardless.

@ChristinaB1203 oh lovely, I’m so sorry but yes this is cheating. It’s emotional at the very least and possibly physical.

You have a tough decision to make. You tried hard to draw a line in the sand and thought you were being reasonable and empathic. He wilfully, deliberately and selfishly crossed over that line knowing how hurt you would be. He’s showing all the markers of a classic cake eating cheat.

You can try to draw another line, but I think he is really sold on the absolute nonsense that the grass is greener, so I think a firmer approach is needed. It’s ducks in a row time, he can not go today and if he does, then the marriage is over.

FWIW I agree with the posters saying that affairs thrive in secrecy, they do. Seek support from those you trust, you will need it.

Im sending you a hug because I’ve been there and the pain is indescribable!

He's absolutely having an affair, or planning to if he can. I would contact the OW- even if you're not friends on SM, you can send her a DM. She may be enjoying the attention and flirtation without realising in the cold light of day that he actually has a wife and child at home. Messaging her directly will put things into perspective. Just be really direct and say stay away from my husband or I'll bring it up with his boss or something.

I think you need to stand up to him. He needs to make a choice or you do. He needs to realise how serious you are and what he stands to lose. Having been in a similar situation with lies etc. I think sometimes heads turn but where does he really want to be because he can’t have it both ways. It sounds like an emotional affair if not physical. She can possibly offer what you used to have prechildren. A lot of men seem to struggle with the change of dynamics when they become parents.

Yes ultimatum time. Who does he think he is?. Lovely wife and son at home, gadding about like a single man. Cheek of him telling you that. I'm raging on your behalf. Someone will be along with better advice.

The first thing you need to do is accept this relationship is dead. Once you wrap your head around that (and that will be tough) I’d do three things.

1. I’d spend time finding out exactly when and where they’re next ‘paddle boarding’ and I’d borrow/hire one myself and make sure I turn up where they are. I’d be bright and breezy with a ‘I’ve always wanted to try this!’ And watch their faces turn to horror. Your physical presence, especially if you’re friendly, will be awkward as fuck for both of them. Mostly because I can guarantee he’s been telling her your lazy/nasty/neglectful of him. Which will also be a lie. She has likely believed it all.
2. bag his shit up and leave it outside the same day. Change locks if you can. Do not move out from your house but make it clear he cannot live there from that day.
3. follow up the surprise paddle boarding with a text to the woman. Make it kind, be honest as to what’s happened, and she will then have her own doubts as to whether you really are ‘Nasty/lazy/neglectful’ of him (whatever crap he’s spun her). Don’t be accusatory or negative - even if you want to, and I wouldn’t blame you - you just don’t know what story he’s been spinning her because I’m pretty sure there will be a story.

This will be hard, but you will one million percent be better off in the end. Play the long game. Good luck.

He's taking the piss.

@Wellnowlookhere the presence of the wife isn't always as awkward as fuck for the husband and the OW. Some of those weird fuckers seem to get off on it. They seem to like having an illicit secret, parading around and seeing how much they can get away with.

Warning this woman off won't turn him into a faithful husband. There will always be another.

I kind of get where she's coming from, I mean I wouldn't have thought of it but I suppose if someone is gaslighting you into thinking your reaction to their blatantly shit behaviour is the real problem then surely they would be happy for the world to know about this benign thing they are doing?

Personally I think it's best to just leave someone like this though but I'm very unforgiving.

OW may have been given the script by husband or be totally unaware he is/ was In a committed marriage as far as the wife was concerned.

The sheer volume of posts on MN from OW or cheated upon wives show what lengths cheating husband's go to:
My wife is crazy.
My wife and I are in an open marriage.
We are just coparenting our little ones but the marriage has been over years.
My wife has denied me sex since the birth of our child.
My wife is having an affair so I'm free to.
My wife....xyz

All to justify to themselves it is ok to cheat!

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel less crazy. I did put him out last night and told him to go his mam's as I needed time to think and so he did he about what he wants. So I suspect his mam already know.

This women absolutely knows he is married, she came to our night reception for our wedding! And has in the past when I have joined for work Xmas parties etc told me that I'm very lucky to have DH and she loves him- odd but she was drunk therefore I feel she knows exactly what she is doing.

It's the lying more than anything and the fact he see know issue with it.

Good for you. Take all of the time you need.

OP in that case, skip most of what I said and spend this weekend bagging his shit up and changing the locks.
Bin him, and fast. Life’s too short to give any more chances to a shitbag. She deserves him, so good luck to her and her inevitable neuroses when he eventually finds a new job not with her….

But recently he told me that if we weren't together he probably would persue a relationship with one of the women he works with. This upset me obviously but we moved pasted it.

Fuck him! He's being totally disrespectful. And it looks as if he is prioritising her over you.

I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. You deserve better.

Good for you. You are right not to put up with this level of disrespect.

However, I strongly suspect he'll come back in a few weeks after sleeping with her and the gloss has worn off asking for forgiveness and saying the cheating doesn't count because you had kicked him out. Don't entertain him. He has treated you very badly.

In a recent thread, the husband was not off playing golf, he was shopping with OW in the next town.
He had left in golf kit, but had hidden other clothes in his golf bag
His mate posted golfing pics on fb to the wife
OW knew he was "attatched" (her sister & the wife were friends. They frequented same pub etc.&
Both if them deliberately went ahead with the affair.

In your shoes, I would say, "The lying & duplicity prove to me, & obviously you that you are attracted to OW.
You either want to live as a family with me & DC or you dont.
Si you can leave now, & decide why you married me, procreated with ne, bought a house? To bin the lot for this woman.
You dont get both.
You have set yourself up for a fall,
There is no parachute
I am not little wifey sitting at home while "Little Dick" is out courting.

Lying about his whereabouts

Changing his passcode

Social media hound

Told you he’d like to be with her

I’d be amazed if it’s not already a full blown affair. I’m sorry OP, what a fucking piece of shit.

Crossed post! Well done

@ChristinaB1203 wish I could give you the biggest hug right now 🤗 this must be so hard for you but be strong and stand your ground ♥️

I wonder how he'd feel if you embarked on a similar "friendship"

@ChristinaB1203 he is having an emotional affair, if not a physical one. This isn’t just a female friend, he has more invested in her which is why he is lying to you and still arranging to see her and message despite you raising your concerns. His focus and mind is NOT on you or how you are feeling, it’s on her. If they work together to be honest I would end the relationship unless he moves jobs. He clearly can’t keep away. I think it’s fine to have friendships of the opposite sex as long as they have boundaries if in a relationship with someone else and that you don’t disrespect your partner with it. What your partner is doing is not ok.