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Original poster

Having children over 40 - who has done it and how was it?

94 replies

Mollymanna · 10/06/2023 00:26

Just hoping to hear from women who have had children aged 40 or over.

How was it? Was it a struggle to get pregnant? How was your experience?

It's hard to know from Google! Though I know the stats say that many babies are born to women over 40.

OP posts:
thejadefish · 10/06/2023 02:56

Hi, I had DC1 at 39 (few months before turning 40). Started trying for DC2 at or about 41.5. No luck for a long time, finally fell pregnant age 44, delivered at 45. Smooth pregnancy, healthy baby I'm glad to say. I went for a fertility check after a couple of years of trying for DC2 - most in my age bracket would have had a 5% chance of conceiving the Dr said, but I only had a 2% chance - turns out I fell into that 2%! 4 friends of mine also had babies in their 40's (one aged 40, another aged 42 & two aged 43. The 42 year old's was unplanned - she thought it was the menopause). Some ladies fall pregnant easily whatever their age, but of those that I personally know who were trying, it took a while. All had healthy babies though, and all bar one naturally/without assistance.

GoneAwayWorld · 10/06/2023 03:09

I had my first at 38 (very nearly 39). Conceived almost straight away but did have a lot of pregnancy complications - baby was absolutely fine though.
I'm now 42 and trying for my second.

AlltheFs · 10/06/2023 03:09

Brilliant. DD born easily at 41 (DH was 46). Conceived with very little effort in a few months TTC.
Straightforward pregnancy and birth, and have really loved it.
Half of my midwife’s caseload were 40+ so in my area it’s not uncommon but it does depend on your demographic.

I did have closer monitoring and was consultant led automatically but in practice it made little difference. We did have NIPT for peace of mind though.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/06/2023 03:25

Conception - a total surprise after infertility

Pregnancy - complicated doesn’t begin to cover it

Parenthood - amazing and wonderful. Being older has definitely helped me with perspective. I can definitely say I am a different (better) parent now that I would have been in my twenties.

Fourwallsclosingin · 10/06/2023 03:25

Really struggled. I feel so old now, everything hurts, and I'm exhausted constanly but don't know if it's a coincidence. I also wonder if it's because I was established and happy in my life, career etc as was my DH. It has been a massive adjustment. In saying that, being older means there is no financial issues, so that is definitely a bonus, and we have done lots of travelling and not so much into going out as such so don't feel like we're hugely missing out in that sense. I often wonder if having children is easier as you're physically much fitter, but mentally also more open and adaptable.

Ragwort · 10/06/2023 03:39

I had my first (& only) DC at 42. I conceived easily (I wasn't really 'trying' .. DH much keener than me Grin). No complications with pregnancy. I honestly don't know if I found parenting easier or harder than being a younger mother ... I've only got my own experience... but my personal circumstances meant I was financially secure and that certainly made life much more comfortable... and most important- my DH was delighted ti be a father and fully pulled his weight regarding parenting and running the home.

alpenguin · 10/06/2023 03:41

Had my second at 42 so wasn’t a huge surprise dealing with a baby but I was far more exhausted than the child I’d had when I was younger and that doesn’t ease up as time goes on.

if it’s your first be prepared for a huge culture shock. I found it hard coming to terms with the loss of freedom (even in my early 30s) I’d been so used to and when I should have been getting it back it was like starting all over again and I’ll be a pensioner before I’ll be able to just up and go somewhere on a whim.

Maray1967 · 10/06/2023 07:20

Had DS2 at almost 41. Had problems conceiving both of mine and 3 mcs in between my two. Pregnancy was straightforward, birth was c section but went well. I was more tired than with DS1 but have never regretted it.

endofagain · 10/06/2023 07:25

I had my 3rd child at nearly 42. Accidental pregnancy. Hyperemesis which was grim, it was very hard on my other DC. But I am so glad to have had that child. An absolute blessing.

cptartapp · 10/06/2023 07:37

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17. All well.

Shangrilalala · 10/06/2023 07:41

Last baby at 45. I was surprised how I wasn’t viewed as anywhere near out of the ordinary by the medical staff and it did feel very normal. I did have a CVS but after that had midwife led care.

He was, and still is, totally gorgeous and a joy in our lives. Helps me feel young too.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/06/2023 07:48

most in my age bracket would have had a 5% chance of conceiving the Dr said, but I only had a 2% chance - turns out I fell into that 2%

It's a 2% or 5% chance of conceiving pet cycle.

I'm not sure if you mean the same thing as a poster on here who said she was "in" the 5% of eg early 40s women who conceived ..... She wasn't "in" the 5% of anything. She had a 5% chance per cycle, which, played out across the number of cycles they TTC'd, gave her her odds of conceiving (different from chance per cycle).

If people are given the impression that only 2% (or 5%) of women who actively TTC or even take contraceptive risks in their early 40s would fall pregnant,they're being given the wrong impression.

(There are 40 something's on the pregnancy choices board every week, who were told I'd misunderstood their chances wrongly).

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/06/2023 07:49

*per cycle

Preps · 10/06/2023 07:54

I know two parents in their late 40s/early 50s who've died recently leaving children still in primary school.

And whilst average life expectancy is of course much higher, 50s is a really risky decade. I'm now mid 50s and I'm losing friends and colleagues on a shockingly frequent basis. I understand there are lots of reasons to delay parenthood/it doesn't happen for everyone when young, but all the discussions about being an older parent are centred around difficultly conceiving/ caring for small children when you're older. There are other considerations too.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 10/06/2023 07:57

I had DC1 at 37 and got pregnant with DC2 at 39 on the first try and had him at 40! Completely textbook pregnancy and straightforward birth.

TheSunnySide · 10/06/2023 07:57

I absolutely love being a mum, the wonderful things about parenting are just the same at 40 as at 20. In fact it has been tons better than I ever imagined, even when I am tired. Having a small baby was a breeze compared to having a 12 year old at 50+ though.

I had to have help having my child and they only have a sibling because my partner had a baby with a younger woman when our relationship ended due to a combination of one of us doing the heavy lifting in the parenting and also going through the start of the menopause.

there is no right time to have a baby.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/06/2023 08:01

(I should add, lots of info sources don't help people's understanding by stating chance per cycle in some places and then dropping the words per cycle in other places abd not being clear/explicit throughout.

aboutbloodytime123 · 10/06/2023 10:55

I gave birth to unplanned DC3 one week after my 44th birthday! I was about 8 weeks pregnant before I realized, I thought it was menopause. We hadn't been using contraception for about 3 years, and we were OK with the possibility of a baby but I had been told by doctors that I was no longer fertile, also we didn't live together and both travel for work so i don't know how many times we even caught the ovulation window. Overall it's been lovely, the older DC adore their little sibling and at the moment he's like the family pet. But omg the tiredness is another level. We never get enough sleep. I definitely have less energy than I did when I had my first at 33, and carrying him and all the baby stuff around is a lot harder. Pregnancy was straightforward but ended up with an emergency C section because labour never really got going even 2 days after waters broke. Im 46 now and I know I absolutely could not do it again though.

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 10/06/2023 11:01

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/06/2023 08:01

(I should add, lots of info sources don't help people's understanding by stating chance per cycle in some places and then dropping the words per cycle in other places abd not being clear/explicit throughout.

But it’s also not that helpful to imply everyone has the exact same chance per cycle based purely on age. There’s a lot more individual variation than that.

BasicDad · 10/06/2023 11:04

Preps · 10/06/2023 07:54

I know two parents in their late 40s/early 50s who've died recently leaving children still in primary school.

And whilst average life expectancy is of course much higher, 50s is a really risky decade. I'm now mid 50s and I'm losing friends and colleagues on a shockingly frequent basis. I understand there are lots of reasons to delay parenthood/it doesn't happen for everyone when young, but all the discussions about being an older parent are centred around difficultly conceiving/ caring for small children when you're older. There are other considerations too.

But no one asked about other considerations or your opinion it based on tenuous links.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/06/2023 11:05

Had second baby at 42. No issues, easy pregnancy and birth.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 10/06/2023 11:08

My DM had my youngest sibling at age 45, I think the baby years were ok due to having older siblings to muck in also less daunting having done it all before. What I know she struggled most with was menopause and having and young energetic young child, not really having much in common with school gate mums and still being a parent to a teen when she in her 60s when he friends were retired and enjoying more freedom and travel.

Reugny · 10/06/2023 11:15

Preps · 10/06/2023 07:54

I know two parents in their late 40s/early 50s who've died recently leaving children still in primary school.

And whilst average life expectancy is of course much higher, 50s is a really risky decade. I'm now mid 50s and I'm losing friends and colleagues on a shockingly frequent basis. I understand there are lots of reasons to delay parenthood/it doesn't happen for everyone when young, but all the discussions about being an older parent are centred around difficultly conceiving/ caring for small children when you're older. There are other considerations too.

Give it a rest.

I am related to and know other people who had one or both parents die when their parents were in their 20s and 30s. There are actual a lot of people around who lost one or both as a child something like 1 in 11 people according to Martin Lewis.

The reason you don't know more is because you have a judgemental attitude and people who lost a parent as children don't open up to those they perceive as having that attitude.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/06/2023 11:18

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 10/06/2023 11:01

But it’s also not that helpful to imply everyone has the exact same chance per cycle based purely on age. There’s a lot more individual variation than that.

Show quote history

Yes, very true.

Reugny · 10/06/2023 11:20

I had my DD who is 4 (5 in the autumn) at 42.

There is a history on both sides of my blood and non-blood related family of women having children in their 40s. Where myself and a couple of my sisters are different is that we only have had one pregnancy there as they had multiple before having a child or two children in their 40s.

Anyway pregnancy and birth were easy, and I was asked when I was having my next one by a midwife. I replied I'm not as DP has other DC.