Having children over 40 - who has done it and how was it?

[Mollymanna]

Just hoping to hear from women who have had children aged 40 or over.

How was it? Was it a struggle to get pregnant? How was your experience?

It's hard to know from Google! Though I know the stats say that many babies are born to women over 40.

I'll be 42 when baby arrives, he or she is due in January so at least I won't be heavily pregnant in the warmer months x

I had one in my 30's and another just turned 40. Sadly, I had a miscarriage in between. First DC pregnancy was easy. Second DC I had gestational diabetes which was controlled by a strict diet. I felt healthy and well with both though. I didn't meet my DH till later in life or I would have had them sooner. Teenage years are on the horizon but my DH is 5 years younger than me, so I'm betting on him taking the lead on lifts and late night worries! My parents are older and more frail, which is a big regret for not having DC sooner. But they still provide a lot of love and wisdom for them.

My parents had me in their early 40s. I honestly feel I missed out on a fair bit, when my friends were off skiing or going into town my parents didn't have the energy to do that with two children. In my early 30s I spent a lot of time at hospital appointments with my parents. I also found I was "parenting" them as they lost touch with technology and the way the world was moving. Another thing was we never had many family friends, the other parents at school would socialise but mine were so much older.It's not just about the ability to conceive.

That’s just shit at both ends of the spectrum!

Depends how you describe the term shit.
I had my first and only DC at 21, best thing ever, DH was an only child and only ever wanted one DC. We travelled loads still and had an amazing life. Work took DC abroad 3 years ago, I'm on my 2nd marriage now and at 43 we've been TTC for over two years. The yearning for another DC for me never went away and I'd give my right arm for another. I wouldn't say it was shit at 21 whatsoever and I'd be hard pushed to think it would be shit if I was lucky enough to conceive again (without another miscarriage)
Maybe it depends how 'shit' you think parenting is.

Yeah. You have spectacularly missed the point and clearly not read my previous posts. Plus left your sense of humour back with your first pregnancy.
I love parenting. But having children when both young and older does mean you lose the advantage of either having freedom when you are young or freedom when you are old.

But you carry on just being snippy love. It’s probably your hormones

I had DS at 39, DD just before I turned 44. Straightforward easy pregnancies, but had 4 miscarriages in between (hence the age gap).
Both born via cs, no issues with recovery. Both have always been good sleepers from early on, my younger friends with crappy sleepers were always a lot more tired than me.
DH and I make a point of staying fit and active, so that we can keep up with them We're both in our fifties now, and my only concern is that I need to get my menopausal hormone issues sorted before the DC hit puberty!

My cousin gave birth recently... early 40's and fell pregnant first time. She's been fine.
She had a wonderful carefree time enjoying her youth with plenty of experience having little to no sleep :-)

Absolutely.

But all people can do is supply averages.

"But don’t forget that those of us having kids in our 40’s have already had decades of freedom when we were young enough to enjoy it. I wouldn’t trade being young free and single in my 20’s and 30’s for anything-I had a blast and did everything I wanted so I’m quite content to be a boring old fart now. I was also at the peak of my career when DD born so have no worries about not focusing on it now. I can happily coast along at the top and then start a wind down to retirement.

There’s plus’s and minus’s to everything. I do think though that the people that have it worst are those that have some children young and then a second crack at it in their 40’s. That’s just shit at both ends of the spectrum!"

^^ this.

I lived overseas in my 20s and 30s building my career, travelling and making great money. So when I returned to the Uk, bought a property and had a baby in my 40s I had no worries about 'missing out' on anything as I'd already done it!

Ironically and sadly, the only person in my NCT group who struggled with post natal depression was the youngest... she admitted that she felt her life was over before it had even begun... she found having a baby in her early 20s really tough.

I'm nearly 60 now and DD is in secondary school. All my mum friends are at least 10 years younger than me. I don't care. No one can tell and life is good!

@AlltheFs wow 'love' that's a low blow ... are you always this hateful? Apologies though, I hadn't realised when reading the thread that you'd posted before. I do in fairness get what you're saying having re read both posts but tbh I think I have wanted a second for so fucking long I just saw the shit bit and thought it doesn't match my personal experience.

Started trying at 40, pregnant at 41, gave birth just after turning 42. Lovely easy pregnancy and most delightful child. I know it was the best time for me, I have no fomo off my previous life, I have patience and understanding that I'd never have had when I was younger and my life's purpose had happily shifted to her 😊

I had my one and only DD at 40. My DH older than me, already had 3 grown up kids, I honestly didn't really think I wanted kids, had a great lifestyle with holidays abroad 3 times a year etc, realised around 38 that I did want to have a baby, fell pregnant after trying for 6 months but sadly had a miscarriage, eventually fell pregnant again around a year later, our DD was born prematurely and spent almost 4 months in NICU/SCBU so not the best start to parenthood!
Thankfully DD is fit and well now.
It was a massive lifestyle change for us and we had no family support as we were living away from our families. I wouldn't change anything but honestly, people tell you your life will change but it's hard to understand the reality of that until it happens!

I don't understand the angst about have a primary school child/teenager in your 50s. It's great fun for parent and child. I'm 60 now with an 18 year old - I'm picking her and her mates up from clubs at 3am (we live rurally so parents have to take turns being a taxi service).

We're off on a US road trip once her A levels are over.

I had my first at 37 and then twins at 40. Both times I fell pregnant within a few months, very fortunately no miscarriages and all babies born healthy. I did have c-sections (my choice). It's been a whirlwind since the twins arrived, but I don't think I'm any more tired or worn out than a younger parent would be. I'm now back working full time with 3 kids under 6 and while it's a logistical struggle and sleep has never been great, we make it work.

No regrets whatever from my side. I had an absolute ball in my late 20s and early 30s, and only now feel ready to settle down in my 40s.

An acquaintance had all 3 of hers in her 40's, husband was late 40's. She conceived naturally and all was well health wise.
However, she then hit perimenopause and was struggling for energy etc, husband found 3 young kids all a bit... Much. So let's just say that their parenting style is rather 'hands off'.
Her 3 kids are pretty feral and rarely get invited anywhere as they are like a small riot wherever they go.
I hope to god I'm sure they'll come out of it when they're older and wiser and come to realise you can't just blast your way through life with little regard for others.

Come on Pimp there are plenty of shit parents in their 20s and 30s.

True, very true @BeatriceBatchelor - thank you for your kind rebuke.
The only relevance is the proximity of perimenopause and how that may (or may not) give you a rough ride when you're in the thick of the young years. I'm 47 and feel like I've had the rug pulled from under me by this... Doing everything I can and still hardly recognise myself.

Perimenopause is a new fad.

The type of women who get pregnant and give birth to healthy babies tend to be healthier and wealthier than those who have kids younger & have high life expectancies. In my area the average life expectancy is 82 for men but for people who are ‘professionals’ it’s 96!!

There is some emerging evidence to suggest peri for older mothers is a bit easier.

I conceived at 44y5m, having been told by docs I couldn't have a child.

Once I got over the shock, everything was fine. Easy pregnancy, no sickness, just a bit tired. Worked to 36 weeks, then home until ds born 40+6. Slow labour, delivered with help from doc after they lost ds' heartbeat.

DS came out pink and bawling, so all well. Exactly on the 50th percentile.

No problems since. He's nearly 15 and we are very close, we get on well.

@Preps There was one mum and two dads of ds' classmates, who died while they were in primary. The mum was 26, the dads were 31 and 34. Parents can die at any age. If we all thought like you seem to, we'd never get out of bed in the morning.

Having a teen in your 50’s is hardly a problem. I’ll be 55 when my youngest is 19, pretty much the same as all my friends. Don’t know anyone who won’t have teen in their 50’s.

I was just lucky. Came off pill, pregnant two months later at age 40. No miscarriages. Straightforward pregnancy, home birth at 38 weeks, no drugs till the one that gets your placenta out as it took ages to find a midwife who was free. No stitches, back in action after a week, breastfeeding a doddle, lovely easy baby, now gorgeous 16 year old. Seems unfair really.

HNRTFT and you have not explained your own circumstances which is fine but I personally think that the risk of chromosome problems and being older makes parenting really hard . Grandparents will be older and physically I would find having a teenager in my 60s bloody hard work!
I had my third child at 37 and I definitely didn’t have the energy I had with my other children. Absolutely no judgement but being honest.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

I'm so sorry @Wednesdaysotherchild for what you've been through.

It's looking like I will be trying to conceive when I hit 40, for my first, with my partner.

I guess that it's just impossible to know my chances (as it is at any age).

Some of you mentioned parenting teenagers in your 50s. I look at people in their 50s and think they look much younger than i would have expected, and energetic!