Having children over 40 - who has done it and how was it?

[Mollymanna]

Just hoping to hear from women who have had children aged 40 or over.

How was it? Was it a struggle to get pregnant? How was your experience?

It's hard to know from Google! Though I know the stats say that many babies are born to women over 40.

The question you really need to consider op isn't - do I want a baby in my forties...it's - do I want a teenager in my fifties/sixties.

Started ttc at 37, now 41 with 14 naturally conceived miscarriages and 5 rounds of IVF yielding 4 embryos and down about £100k. Levels of grief and trauma off the chart! I wish I’d never started trying to be honest.

Had my two at 35 and 37 so not quite the age OP is talking about but I agree with other posters you are more mature and financially better positioned to be a parent.

The issue can be the back end - even when I had mine you will be well into your 50s before they are off the books so to speak particularly if they go to university.

My parents had us much younger so harder for them in the early days but they were in their early 50s when we were off and have had a very long and fruitful retirement

@Wednesdaysotherchild I am so sorry

I agree with this. I had DD at 41. I have lost three friends in their 50s, all leaving teenaged children. One to breast cancer, one to liver failure, and one to bowel cancer. I hadn't considered this when I had DD but now it worries me. Also, I will be in my early 60s when realistically I could perhaps retrain for a career I actually like, rather than the one that fits around the kids, and at that age, who will want to employ me?

@TheoTheopolis23 ah, it wasn't made clear to me that it was per cycle, I was told I had a 1-2% chance of conceiving and I thought that meant overall - that's the impression I was left with anyway it might have just not sunk in that said and as you say lots of stats online don't clarify!

I had my 1st at 39 and 2nd at 42. Obviously no experience with having a pregnancy when younger but it was fine. I worked in an active job until 36 weeks with both. Yes it’s been tiring having small children but it’s not wiping me out.

This. I had my first DC at 20. It's the main reason why I wouldn't have another in my 40s. I look forward to the freedom too much of older kids. The idea of having a teenager in my 60s gives me chills.

It is however entirely personal preference, and I doubt many having a DC in their 40s would regret it. It's just not for me because I had mine so young.

I'm late 50s and starting to happen to me as well. Lost a couple and mates with terminal conditions. Not quite as bad as you though

Seems no reason to it either - those of us who used to go a bit mad in our 20s and early 30s are rumbling on.

I lost two friends to cancer when they were 40 and 41. Both had young children. It’s incredibly sad but death is a reality that can happen at any time. Unless we have medical evidence to say otherwise, we have to assume our health will be on a par with an average person at whatever future age we are looking at and possibly better if we are doing more to stay healthy.

Things that stick in my mind are parenting in your 50s to a teenager or maybe still a primary aged child, How will your finances hold you up in your late 50s/60s, pension contributions, will you need to work full time or longer in to your late 60s/70s to support a child through uni, what if your health is not up to full time work or work at all.

First was an accident at 37.
Second conceived first cycle at 40
Now have an unplanned 3rd on the way at 43. One broken condom and figured the chances were so unlikely I wouldn’t need MAP - more fool me.

I had DC3 at 42. Took a year to conceive, then NIPT revealed a trisomy issue, so I had a surgical termination. Took 6m to conceive again, which resulted in a live birth by elective c section at full term. I had GD with the pg, which hadn't been an issue with past pregnancies. No genetic issues or any other disabilities have been found. Baby was notably heavier than previous pgs, but still within normal range, and it wasn't Ian issue with getting her out with a c section anyway.

I've generally taken longer than average to ttc in my pgs, even when much younger. But I've never had a miscarriage and my experience of pg and childbirth have always been easy. No vomiting, only slightly more tired, able to keep fit and physical up until the birth, no tearing and quick recoveries, no hospital stays during pg and discharged within 24 hours.

My DC3 is 13m now, I'm nearly 44 and I have no problems with tiredness, I still put her in the carrier to get around or carry her inside a buggy single handedly to get around the tube, walk miles and stay up late to get chores and admin done after putting dc to bed. No sign of perimenopause.

You will love him / her to death. Had a few friends to whom that has happened and it has brought joy to their life

Not me (I'm a 'young mum' in my area, having had DS at 31!), but I have lots of friends and neighbours who had babies in their early-mid 40's. All have said the same thing - they managed fine with a baby, felt the benefit of being more stable financially and in terms of lifestyle, but have struggled having teenagers when they're in their 50's, and feel it has impacted a lot on their health and energy levels.

This goes for the dads as well as the mums - a close friend is now in his early 60's, is having health struggles, but remains tied to full-time work as he still has three kids in school, the youngest of whom is primary aged. He loves his wife and kids dearly, he got to 40 without meeting anyone and thought he'd be alone, so he really appreciates family life, but it is having a massive impact on his health. His wife is caring for her own elderly parents, so can't work more than part-time.

Oh, and the friends telling me this were all very active in their 40's, have looked after themselves. We all age, whether we like it or not, and we have less control than we'd like to think over how or when it happens.

My mum did with my brother she was 41 or 42. She spoilt him rotten and was often too tired. Kids teased that this was his grandma but it was at a different time and in a country where mums where younger.

A family member had a boy in her early 40s, boy is a teenager and is very well adjusted and lovely.

I think if you are a good parent you'll be a good parent regardless of your age but it does help to be healthy, interested and active.

For us, and we are the same age, having children later was the sensible and logical thing to do. We owned our house, a holiday house (and also through inheritance another property), we had both been to uni, travelled the world when backpacking, and achieved well in our careers. We had savings and we also had extra savings to fall back on if needed as well as in place for future costs such as uni fees and private education (if we wanted to go down that route). It meant that I could have children and know I could be part time after a prolonged maternity leave, and we already had a good pension plan as well as company private health to look after us.

Fifteen years earlier, in my early twenties, I had just finished uni, lived in a rented house share and had student loans. To me, there was no comparison. If we started even a couple of years after that, ours (most likely mine) career would have been sacrificed and our quality of life now wouldn’t be comparable. We also would have almost certainly had fewer children and would have needed to wait for them to leave home to be able to put the work in for a comfortable retirement.

I personally haven't but we have relatives who had a surprise first pregnancy at 46, years after being told by doctors she couldn't conceive without ivf! They are doing fine at parenting but have a decent support network locally and can afford for her to stay home indefinitely (own house outright).

Interestingly when I met dp i went to the dr for birth control (exh had had the snip so hadn't been an issue for years) I said to the nurse would i be fertile (at 47) and she said most likely, she'd had a spate of surprise late 40's pregnancies many in women dating for the first time in many years (and several abortion referrals, she was matter of fact not judgemental) I got a mirena!

But to answer your question, I was lucky that my fertility was still good and I conceived my four children between 36 and 40.

But don’t forget that those of us having kids in our 40’s have already had decades of freedom when we were young enough to enjoy it. I wouldn’t trade being young free and single in my 20’s and 30’s for anything-I had a blast and did everything I wanted so I’m quite content to be a boring old fart now. I was also at the peak of my career when DD born so have no worries about not focusing on it now. I can happily coast along at the top and then start a wind down to retirement.

There’s plus’s and minus’s to everything. I do think though that the people that have it worst are those that have some children young and then a second crack at it in their 40’s. That’s just shit at both ends of the spectrum!

I think a lot of people are left with the wrong impression.

Ive had a posters on here argue really aggressively when I said that, post after post with bold and capital letters lol. Another poster looked it up and said "fk, that's actually right", it's 3% per cycle at x age The aggressive poster just disappeared after we posted stats.

But I've seen relatively reputable websites where it's not even made clear.

I had my last child at 40. I was warned not to have more children due to complications as it was a very close call. I nearly lost her in pregnancy a few times. She nearly died of sepsis at birth, and has autism. I had gestational diabetes and blood clots, and felt very poorly in the later months of pregnancy. My pregnancy at 36 was complication free by comparison. I think, ideally, pregnancy is better in the pre-40 years. However, family planning doesn't always turn out as intended. Having lost my own mother recently, as devastating as that we I had both parents in my life until middle adulthood. She had me at 30. If she had me later in life, there would have been potentially less years of parent experience. I think 40 is ok if healthy, but when I read about women having babies in their 50's then I cringe.

I had my first at 38, 4th at 43. No trouble conceiving, obviously! Normal, easy pregnancies and deliveries. Pretty tired with the 4th pregnancy but that was likely due to having 1, 2 and 4 year olds as well, as much as age. Being an older mother was great - financially stable enough to buy in help, well established enough in my career to enjoy taking some time with the kids, spent plenty of time travelling and having fun in my 20s and early 30s and was ready to throw myself into parenthood.

Every time this issue comes up people (who almost invariably haven’t done it themselves) come on spouting doom and gloom about parenting teens in your 50s and (god forbid!) hideously decrepit 60s. I don’t really understand what that’s about. I’m 60 and my kids are now 17-22. It’s been totally fine, in fact a delight. No trouble keeping up with them, roughly similar age to the vast majority of school gate parents, and I’m fortunate to feel as healthy and energetic at 60 as I did at 30.

Got pregnant at 41 after one time, was not planned. I'm around 7-8 weeks now. Starting to feel quite unwell. I have three children already who are 13, 9 and 8. By the time baby arrives it will be 3 months off my youngest's 9th birthday. I am a single mum, this child has a different dad. Today's heat has made me feel awful and I've not kept anything down all day.
It's extremely possible to get pregnant after 40, wish you all the best ❤️❤️