Having children over 40 - who has done it and how was it?

[Mollymanna]

Just hoping to hear from women who have had children aged 40 or over.

How was it? Was it a struggle to get pregnant? How was your experience?

It's hard to know from Google! Though I know the stats say that many babies are born to women over 40.

I had my DS at 42.
Pregnancy and birth were a walk in the park.

But, I do think far too much focus is put on old age at the time of pregnancy/birth and what really needs to be taken into consideration is the next 10/15 years after that.

The DC will still be very young, but for many of us, we don’t realise at the time, that the next 10/15 years can be relentless and exhausting as we age to 50 and then 60 when they are still only children/teenagers.

Not that I would ever want to change it, but I do now believe having been through it, there really is very good reason for certain events/progression in our lives to be at the right ish age (younger) because of our body-clocks, and whatever we do we can’t slow-down the sands of time and the toll of the aging process.

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my donor conceived child a couple of weeks shy of my 40th birthday. IVF pregnancy, fortunate to have conceived on the first go, straightforward pregnancy and birth.

Knowing what I know now, I definitely would have done this earlier in life, mid 20s or so (even the bit about being a solo parent!). I realise that I'm simply going to have less time with him, most probably, than I would have had I had him 10/15 years ago. I try not to think about my health deteriorating and what this all might ht look like in 10/15 years' time...

I stupidly didn't really think through the wider implications, because not only are we older as parents, but so is the whole extended family, including the cousins. Unless DC have close friendship circle, they potentially could be quite lonely. It seems more significant now as it is a reality rather than some theoretical thing which I feel quite guilty about

Good luck @Mollymanna! My babies (now late primary and conceived in my forties) are an absolute joy to me. I’m fitter than I was in my thirties and forties as I’m determined to hold onto my strength for them.

My husband is younger and according to some posters on here had his children at the right time and he’s JUST as exhausted as me, if not more so some days, that’s just parenting. I am not surrounded by friends and colleagues dying in their fifties and luckily have a huge number of older mum friends. I don’t think your asking whether it’s a ‘good idea’ but whether it’s doable and yes it is but seek medical intervention earlier if you’re struggling to conceive, don’t wait the two years.

Life throws us curve balls we don’t always have what we want when we want it, sometimes our families come late, it is what it is, but I’m just so glad I got my happy ending with mine.

I think this depends on family. I had DS at 39. He’s the baby of the extended family (he’s 3) and is very, very spoiled by all of them. He’s very close to my eldest neice (she’s 16) - they’re so close her friends send him birthday invites too lol.

42 almost 43 when DS was born. Started trying at 40. 2 rounds of IVF. So yes, it was a struggle, but we were lucky (had to pay for the IVF but had plenty money as very established careers.)

Pregnancy and birth absolutely normal with no issues.

Decided not to try for a sibling. All good, I don't feel significantly older than peers at the school gate but I live in an area full of older professional parents so am only 5 years older than most of them at most, and some whose child was not their first are the same age as me. Also DH is younger.

Go for it!

Very glad we did it, I don't really think about it too much.

It's definitely possible to have children around 40. Many do, and are energetic fantastic parents. However, risk of miscarriage and chromosome abnormalities is much higher.

At 35 your miscarriage risk is 20%, by 40 its 40%, and by 45 its 80%. It doubles every 5 years. Down's syndrome increases dramatically too, at 35 its 1 in 365 chance, by 45 its 1 in 30. Every year really does count so if you can not wait until your 40 and try at 38/39 your chances will be much better, especially if you want more than one child.

Many do it and have happy healthy pregnancies with healthy babies, however there is a real risk the later you leave it.

I'd also consider the future as well. You can be a very good parent to a young child at 40. However if you look at another thread going about elderly parents you see the other side. Should you only have one child and have them at 40, should they make the same decisions as you, your child will be having their child when you're 80, the average life expectancy for someone in the UK born today. It's an age when you're likely to be slowing down and needing help with appointments and food shopping etc. But your child will have their time preoccupied with their baby or young child and will not have the time to help you in the same way as those who had their kids younger will. Also no sibling to share the care with. Any year forward you can push it really does count, I wouldn't be delaying until after 40 if the opportunity is there now.

my friend had her first baby at 44, she's now 49 (friend not child!) and shes very happy and very tired!

It's a little hard friend wise as all her friends (including myself) had our children early to mid 30's so we are getting some of our freedom back and she's not.

She's also found menopause and being run down (because shes knackered) hard to deal with .

Personally as a parent i think having kids is a younger persons game but i am very lucky and i have my children, if i hadn't had kids when i was in my 40s i'd probably think differently.

Sad to think my friends child in years won't have any family at all as she is an only child and both her and her parents partners have died.

A friend of a friend got pregnant at 40 and had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and then 3-4 years later had her baby girl, I think with ivf.

My NDN’s cousin got pregnant either naturally or via ivf and had a miscarriage just after 12 weeks but then at 43-44 got pregnant via ivf and has a baby boy..

Another friend of a friend has an adult son, in a newish relationship and has her DD his who’s 6, conceived at approx 42-43 and I think naturally.

From what I know of all the parents yes it’s hard work, yes you get tired but if you have support it’s no better or worse than having children younger.

If you do want children now though I’d go to your doctor and/or a fertility clinic in case you need extra help, to check hormone levels etc.

There’s an American psychologist called Jean Twenge who’s written books on getting pregnant after 40 who says warnings about women’s fertility are hugely overblown and based on out of date statistics.

Having kids in early 40s was extremely common until recently where I'm from (border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland) in Catholic families mostly. They had babies til the woman's fertility ebbed and it was generally til mid 40s, sometimes beyond. (Families of 10-15 were relatively common).

The parents did however, have the backup as such of young adult kids they'd had in their 20s.

Op, ubiquinol is supposed to be an excellent supplement for conception.

All minerals are v important too - selenium, zinc etc.

I don't want to derail but couldn't ignore this (other posters with more sense than me have ignored it)...

But how offensive is that? You're either lucky enough not to have suffered it, or you haven't got there yet (or you're a man) - but your comment is uninformed offensive nonsense. Permimenpoause has been recognised for around 200 years, is a scientific fact and very real to those people who suffer from it. It's as real as diabetes, cancer, heart disease (not necessarily as serious, but just as real). Would you call any of those a fad?

Sad to think my friends child in years won't have any family at all as she is an only child and both her and her parents partners have died

Presumably she'll have a family of her own by then.

I had DD at 42 and conceived as soon as we started trying. I had a difficult pregnancy and birth complications too.
My marriage started to breakdown during pregnancy. DD is now 14, Ive been a single parent for 12 years and a lone parent for the last 3 of those.
None of which i regret.
Since DD was 6 months old I've developed health issues which mean chronic pain and fatigue daily and she is autistic which doesnt help.
But again I dont regret it.
I do often wish I could be more energetic for her though!

I remember my gran used to hang out with a community of older 15 or so mums (she was 45 when she got care of my cousin but the others all had babies naturally). She used to say stuff like this. But she was the first one who died. All the other mums outlived her by at least 30 years and all saw gc and gfc from their youngest child. W. In fact five of them are still alive now

Just found out I'm pregnant with my 2nd. Had 1st at 38 and I'll be 41 with second. I'm petrified. Don't feel ready. We had just booked a holiday, I was just settling into a new routine with my son being in nursery and really enjoying our time. I'm worried about such a huge adjustment. I didn't have a great end to my last pregnancy as I was told to abort him but turned out there was nothing wrong! Got so much gonig on in my head. I'm perimenopausal too. What i I can't cope. What if something goes wrong. I am so scared. Husband is super amazing and supportive.

Had youngest son at 44, he was my 6th birth and I had previous stillbirth (my first in my 20s), another son a year later and then 3 more children in my 30s (one of them resulted in 2litres PPH). I was always induced due to first being stillborn. But my youngest was a great pregnancy and straightforward birth even despite of induction. I went cycling with the kids the day before he was born.

I had mine at 37 and 40 (3 weeks before my 41st birthday). Both conceived in the first full cycle of trying. Both now healthy teens.

This has been a great thread to read as a 43 year old desperately wanting another but so worried about risks of pregnancy now, the future and whether coping with a teenager in late 50s/early 60s could be a nightmare!

I had my first at 39 after trying for 18 months, and my second at 42.

With my first I conceived almost immediately after returning from a three week holiday with my DH in Australia, so I've always thought it was psychological to an extent.

We started trying again a year and a half later, when I was 41. I got pregnant almost immediately but it was a failed pregnancy a few weeks later. We tried again a month later and I got pregnant straight away, but it again ended up in a failed pregnancy a few weeks after that.

Finally, a month later, we tried again and I got pregnant straight away and this time it was fine.

I never found it tiring and I also worked for most of their young and teen lives.

Good luck!