Widower and necklace

[Anon6454]

Just wanting some general advice. Please no negativity or nasty comments!

I have been dating a widower for just over two months now. It's been lovely and he has expressed that he wants to get serious /in a relationship. I would really like this too.

However , I have noticed that he wears a chain around a neck with a ring on. I can't be certain but I am assuming it is the deceased girlfriends ring. It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, particularly when we are cuddling and I'm laying my head on his chest.

Do I have any right to bring this up ? Will it end badly if i do ? Am I being stupid ? Should I just say nothing? I dont want to ruin what we have.

Please no negative comments!

Is it his wedding ring? (You say widower but also girlfriend). I think you’re being a bit daft here, what about it bothers you?

You need to ask him about it, but kindly and without making demands. It must be like the elephant in the room!

I understand how you feel but I think it's a really difficult thing to bring up because it is completely understandable that he still feels connected to his partner who has passed away and will still be working through his grief and bereavement.
My thoughts are that you would be best to work through your feelings about it privately, recognising that's any feeling and emotions he has regarding her don't take away from how he feels about you and actually show that he is a loving caring and committed guy. You will probably find that he chooses to stop wearing the ring in his own time.

Sorry , should have clarified. No they were never married. Never engaged either! So I am assuming it must have just been a ring she liked wearing etc.

I don't want to hurt him. He treats me wonderfully and I'm so fond of him. I don't want to hurt him or upset the dynamic between us. I don't have much experience obviously with this hence asking for advice xx

I really appreciate this message. I was worried I would be judged harshly for feeling this way but this is a lovely and non judgemental response. Thankyou xx

Ah ok sorry so one of her rings. I can’t imagine the complex emotions both of you are having to navigate. You have every right to ask him to take it off, but I don’t think you also have the right to expect him to be ok with the request or to do it. Maybe just talk to him about the ring and understand it.

Surely it's perfectly fine to ask him about the ring, without being intrusive? If he wants a future with you, you need to be able to talk about things that bother you.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You can't expect him to pretend that his ex never existed, she will always hold a place in his heart, just like anybody you have lost in your life does.

Does he call himself a widower?

He’s had a life before you and he’s entitled to hold memories from it. I wouldn’t let the ring bother me, in your shoes.

For those suggesting bringing it up , any ideas what I could say or how I could go about this ? How would you say it?
I'm very conscious that I don't want to hurt someone who has been through a lot.

I’m a widow and were I in a relationship I would want my partner to be completely open. So I would talk to him about it. If the relationship is healthy and happy then this should not cause a problem. It’s an emotional issue for sure, but it isn’t insurmountable and an open discussion should allow you both to reach a solution that feels good for everyone.

Honestly, I think it would be unreasonable to even bring it up, not because you can’t ask him about things but because the end goal for you, it seems?, would be for him to stop wearing it and that’s an unreasonable request. He’s got a past and he obviously loved her very much but she’s no threat to you or your relationship given that she’s, well, no longer here. Whether he wears the ring or not, he’ll still feel the same.

Just ask him what it is - I would probably say " I've noticed you wear this all the time, it obviously has sentimental meaning so I'd love to hear where it came from" or similar

I think its a good sign and shows he's respectful of past relationships- if she's dead there is no threat to you at all

Unless there were children involved I wouldn't want a widowed partner having visible photos or memorabilia about a dead ex if we are a committed girlfriend/boyfriend. If I was just dating I would find it off putting but I wouldn't feel it's my place to commit but if were serious I would say.. tbh I'd rather he knew from himself rather than resent me for asking. Some people hoard exes and romanticise dead partners even if things weren't great after death they became their soulmate and nobody ever matches up so I'd be nervous about being with a widower anyway.

Sorry if I've missed it but how long ago did she die? I mean if it's five years ago then it seems reasonable and possible for him to stop wearing it.

And how long were they together for?

They did have a child. There are photos displayed in the house which is understandable and they don't bother me at all! But the ring feels more personal and bothers me. I suppose maybe it worries me as it isn't for the children's benefit like the pictures may be.

No, you didn't miss it. . They were together for 6 years and she passed just under a year ago.

No sorry then you can't because the child will notice the ring necklace gone and will put two and two and might resent you for it so I would change how you think about it or find a non widowed man. It just won't go down well.

WTF he's dating less than a year later and has a child? Wow he didn't waste any time.

I think you should ask the question with curiosity and not judgement when you are able to accept the answer without judgement.

This story is an interesting pov on being involved with a widower: https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html

This is his way of dealing with his grief. I think it's okay to ask him about it, so that you genuinely understand the meaning behind the ring and his decision to wear it. It's part of him and his history and actually if you understood his reasoning, it may make you more comfortable. I DON'T think it's within your bounds to ask him not to wear it. It's how he's dealing with a still very recent grief. I think you can take it or leave it if the relationship isn't right for you.

It's also not at all unusual for people experiencing the loss of a partner to get into relationships again quite quickly, so I don't think that's an issue as some have raised. It is (oddly enough) part of the grieving process.

This is beautiful, brought a tear to my eye

Apologies if I've misunderstood this but when you say its part of the grieving process to get into a relationship quickly are you implying that he's just using me to get over her essentially? Sorry if I've misunderstood but that makes me anxious !

My honest opinion is that if she died less than a year ago, he shouldn't be dating at this point. They had a child, who has lost their mum, and his focus should be entirely on helping his child come to terms with the new reality. And himself too - less than a year is not enough time to truly process and grieve and yet he's already 2 months in to a new relationship.
I know other posters will say that everyone recovers differently/ there's no right or wrong etc, but if you were my sister or friend I'd be advising you to not get too deeply involved!
I'd also think that a man still wearing his gf ring, is not ready to move on.

The ring might not be his partner's though.

If it is hers, I don't think you are wrong to want him not to wear it. While he will always love her, if he's truly invested in a future with someone new, it's not fair to expect that new person to feel like he isn't fully 'in' and is still actively wearing the things that make her feel close by. I'd want my partner's attention not to be divided. That's why I'd counsel caution if dating someone who has been widowed - not everyone can deal with it.