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Original poster

Widower and necklace

76 replies

Anon6454 · 09/06/2023 12:06

Just wanting some general advice. Please no negativity or nasty comments!

I have been dating a widower for just over two months now. It's been lovely and he has expressed that he wants to get serious /in a relationship. I would really like this too.

However , I have noticed that he wears a chain around a neck with a ring on. I can't be certain but I am assuming it is the deceased girlfriends ring. It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, particularly when we are cuddling and I'm laying my head on his chest.

Do I have any right to bring this up ? Will it end badly if i do ? Am I being stupid ? Should I just say nothing? I dont want to ruin what we have.

Please no negative comments!

OP posts:
clpsmum · 09/06/2023 13:55

Anon6454 · 09/06/2023 12:17

For those suggesting bringing it up , any ideas what I could say or how I could go about this ? How would you say it?
I'm very conscious that I don't want to hurt someone who has been through a lot.

Tbh as hard as it may be for you I wouldn't advise bringing it up. I think this is something you need to just live with. You have only been with him two months. She existed and she is no longer here. You are here and with him. It's hard and emotions are all over the place I know but I would leave it a while at least xx

clpsmum · 09/06/2023 13:56

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 12:20

Just ask him what it is - I would probably say " I've noticed you wear this all the time, it obviously has sentimental meaning so I'd love to hear where it came from" or similar

I think its a good sign and shows he's respectful of past relationships- if she's dead there is no threat to you at all

Great suggestion

midlifecrash · 09/06/2023 14:04

Anon6454 · 09/06/2023 12:25

They did have a child. There are photos displayed in the house which is understandable and they don't bother me at all! But the ring feels more personal and bothers me. I suppose maybe it worries me as it isn't for the children's benefit like the pictures may be.

Presumably still do? So there is a five or six year old whose mother has died?

maybe think about that more than the ring? It’s going to be a big thing for the child that the father has a new relationship if they are old enough to understand what’s happening.

ChocChipHandbag · 09/06/2023 14:06

Gosh. He is bringing up a child who is under 6 and lost his/her mother less than a year ago and he has the headspace to date you?

Not sure he has his priorities right here.

Oh, the ring? Irrelevant.

Livelifelaughter · 09/06/2023 14:16

Protect your heart OP. Anyone in his position is dealing with a lot of emotions. He may very well feel lonely and knowing you are a kind decent woman is offering a serious relationship that he cannot deliver.

Ask about the necklace, if this relationship really has legs then you should be able to do so, but as others have said, I think it's a red herring.

sunshinesupermum · 09/06/2023 14:16

My DP wore his wife's wedding ring for years until he lost weight and the ring fell off his finger. We've never spoken about why he wore her ring. It was none of my business. But it's up to you whether you say anything at this early stage of your relationship.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/06/2023 14:20

StarGuide · 09/06/2023 12:30

WTF he's dating less than a year later and has a child? Wow he didn't waste any time.

Men move on very quickly ime.

Give it a while OP, it's a bit early to ask him not to wear it.

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 14:28

Frankly? I wouldn't be sleeping with someone widowed less than a year ago and with a child. It's an emotional minefield. And if I was I CERTAINLY wouldn't be thinking of it as a committed relationship. He needs to process his loss first.

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 14:39

I hate this site sometimes. Such woman bashing and judgementalness.

I read somewhere that moving on quickly after being widowed is a sign of a happy first marriage. It's not like a divorce. There's no element of choice around the separation.

I also think you have no idea what conversations the married couple had prior to one person's death. If I was dying, I'd want my partner to find love and connection again, rather than be lonely.

You are doing nothing wrong op, ignore the nastier comments.

monsteramunch · 09/06/2023 14:49

In fairness @AdamRyan I think that people's major concern is this guy dating and starting what he says is a serious relationship so soon after his partner's passing specifically considering he has a child.

The little one lost their mother only a year ago and their dad is already not only dating but in a relationship and talking about it being serious, having her round to the house etc.

Goldrushed · 09/06/2023 14:59

Bit of a drip feed that she died so recently and they have a young child.
I shouldn't have made the assumption that you were probably both a little bit older but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I wonder how his child will cope with him introducing you into his life @Anon6454? I hope this won't happen for a long time.

As for the ring, with the new information I don't think you can or should say anything.

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 15:08

"You are doing nothing wrong op, ignore the nastier comments."

She's not doing anything wrong. Of course she isn't. But she needs to protect herself and not get involved with a grieving man and a grieving child.

Goldrushed · 09/06/2023 15:12

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 14:39

I hate this site sometimes. Such woman bashing and judgementalness.

I read somewhere that moving on quickly after being widowed is a sign of a happy first marriage. It's not like a divorce. There's no element of choice around the separation.

I also think you have no idea what conversations the married couple had prior to one person's death. If I was dying, I'd want my partner to find love and connection again, rather than be lonely.

You are doing nothing wrong op, ignore the nastier comments.

I'm more worried about the grieving child tbh.
Dad is an adult who can make his own choices.
The OP doesn't have a responsibility to either of them but does need to protect herself emotionally here.

Gazelda · 09/06/2023 15:16

I don't think you should mention it OP. And certainly don't suggest he takes it off.

I hope you are keeping a healthy separate life from him for the time being. It could be very easy to fall into a serious relationship with lots of complications that you've not yet had time to think through.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 09/06/2023 15:27

I've been in a relationship with a widower for over 4 years now. I do understand how you feel, and you are absolutely allowed to feel any way you do about this.

I think it's very early in your new relationship to say much about this. However, if you are uncomfortable about leaning against him with this ring practically in your face, then you can gently move yourself away from it. I would.

I echo a PP who has advised that you guard your heart here - it's a tricky kind of relationship to navigate, and I would caution against jumping in with both feet.

BreviloquentBastard · 09/06/2023 15:32

Why does it bother you though? You think he should stop loving the dead mother of his child? Because if you do, you're not ready to be in a relationship with someone who has lost a significant other.

didthosefeetinancienttimes · 09/06/2023 15:32

ffsnotagainandagain · Today 13:17
Wow that is not even enough time to fully get over a break up let alone the death of the mother of your child. That poor kid. The ring is the least of your issues here

Lots of self-righteous snap judgement about widows and widowers by people who have not been through a bereavement. For a start, you don't ever "fully get over" the death of a partner or spouse. In a way, they are always present, for you and your children. That doesn't mean you can't build a new life, with care, over time. I agree with the people who say go slowly and carefully, keep your eyes open, and listen to your instinct re his behaviour towards you and his child.

Flopsythebunny · 09/06/2023 15:44

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 12:20

Just ask him what it is - I would probably say " I've noticed you wear this all the time, it obviously has sentimental meaning so I'd love to hear where it came from" or similar

I think its a good sign and shows he's respectful of past relationships- if she's dead there is no threat to you at all

This is just what I did with my husband who was a widower when I started dating him. He took it off after about a year and before he proposed to me.

Preps · 09/06/2023 15:48

I think it's odd to be considering a serious relationship with someone if you're not comfortable to say "tell me about this ring".

Just ask. You might not like the answer and I don't think you can ask/insist for it to be removed, but you absolutely should be able to talk about it.

LadyBird1973 · 09/06/2023 21:02

Nobody is woman bashing. Just advising caution because we suspect he isn't ready for the kind of relationship the OP wants and deserves. And there's concern for the child, who has undergone a huge loss. The father's attention should really be entirely focused there.
Getting involved with a widower is not the same as getting involved with a divorced man - they're not comparable at all. IMHO, getting involved with a widower is harder, especially when their marriage was very happy.

Twinklestar68 · 04/12/2023 20:23

Please help me get perspective, I’ve been dating a widower for 3 and a half years, he lost his wife 5 years ago after 18 happy years together.

When we met it felt like fate had brought us together, we had dated briefly at school almost 40 years ago and knew each other’s friends and shared a history that made it easy. His kids were grown and left home (from a previous marriage) I get on really well with them and it was just easy. We bought a house together 2 years ago and live with my 2 teenage boys.
Just recently I am struggling, now that the initial phase has passed I’m left feeling somewhat out of sorts. The more I love him I’m feeling lonely, he used to buy me flowers, a huge bouquet once a month and said he would always do this, he hasn’t bought me any for a year at least, his reason was that I don’t look after them properly, when his wife used to tend to them daily.

He visits his wife’s grave at least once a week, he carries her picture in his wallet, on his car dashboard and inside his bedside cabinet. He wears a ring of hers hat he constantly twiddles, his Facebook status still says ‘married’. Believe me when I say I am really understanding, we talk openly about her, we go out to dinner with her parents who are lovely and I try my best not to be jealous, he really doesn’t try and make me feel second best. But I don’t think he’ll ever feel like he’s mine, he says he’s happy and it’s not fair to compare me with her but he complains a lot about my boys, my parenting not being strict enough and he makes me feel not respected, not appreciated and my heart is just hurting most of the time, my confidence feels like it’s being chipped away and I feel incredibly tearful and needy (I’m just not like this normally) He doesn’t look at me in that way I think you do when you really like someone, I can’t ask him because I understand he’s told me a part of him will never heal, she was his everything.

Can anyone with experience please help?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2023 20:33

Yeah give me a divorcee over a widower !
sorry I’m being flippant but as the deceased one is usually revered (versus an Ex) it’s a tricky one

and what HeckinBamboozled posted seems very sensible

MrsMerryMistletoe · 04/12/2023 20:45

Another zombie thread.....🙄

Twinklestar68 · 04/12/2023 20:56

No genuinely just posted

BluebellsForest · 04/12/2023 21:46

Twinklestar68 · 04/12/2023 20:56

No genuinely just posted

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