Widower and necklace

[Anon6454]

Just wanting some general advice. Please no negativity or nasty comments!

I have been dating a widower for just over two months now. It's been lovely and he has expressed that he wants to get serious /in a relationship. I would really like this too.

However , I have noticed that he wears a chain around a neck with a ring on. I can't be certain but I am assuming it is the deceased girlfriends ring. It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, particularly when we are cuddling and I'm laying my head on his chest.

Do I have any right to bring this up ? Will it end badly if i do ? Am I being stupid ? Should I just say nothing? I dont want to ruin what we have.

Please no negative comments!

Jesus OP his partner and the mother of his child died less than a year ago and you think he shouldn’t wear her ring on a necklace!

You sound very insecure and self centred in this.

To be honest I’m shocked he’s dating so quickly so he doesn’t sound great either.

If you're lying against his chest and he's wearing a necklace with a ring on it, quite honestly, I can't imagine why you would NOT ask him about it. especially if he wears it all the time.

If it turns out that it IS his late partner's, then listen to why he chooses to wear it before you make any decisions.

I also think you're expecting WAY TOO MUCH from a man who has been grieving for less than year and has a young child. I can understand why he's trying to get in a relationship but I would encourage both of you to take this slowly. There's not just his feelings to consider, but his child's too.

PS my dad and his girlfriend both still wear their wedding rings. Both talk about their respective late spouses. It is respectful and understanding that they have both suffered a great loss.

That poor child. Lost their mother less and after less than who months, they’ve already being deprioritised while their dad looks for a new model.

Have no idea how you could stomach a man like that, OP.

Totally agree with this.

This. I also think that, two months in, you simply don't yet have the right to ask that he doesn't do something that is clearly important to him in relation to a still very recent bereavement. If you are struggling to cope with him still grieving the death of a longterm partner and the mother of his child, and are having to get past the photos of her hanging in his house by telling yourself they're for the benefit of his child, then forgive me, I don't think this is the right relationship for you.

I have read that people who were happily married, try to replicate that happiness and so are more inclined to remarry. They are going into the future with a positive mindset re relationships.
But they are marrying someone entirely different and so the new relationship will be different.
So this might explain his willingness to get involved again so soon, but be careful he isn't trying to fix what's broken with you - you want a man who truly loves you and isn't seeking to replicate a lost love. And that's why I think time is important and I'd be very nervous about a man who is so recently bereaved.

I think he might not be the one for you.

Presumably he has the child living with him? But they must be under 6 so not sure they would worry about him taking the necklace off. It could be hung somewhere the child can see it.

I think just ask him. It could turn out to be his mum's!

So my DP wears a ring on his wedding finger, and is separated

I talked to him about that, as i felt uncomfortable with it early on.

Turns out he just likes wearing a ring on that finger, and the ring he wears is actually something he bought himself, not a wedding ring. So now I know, no issues

He is dating so, so soon after the passing of his partner. I feel sad that his focus isn't all on his little one at this stage to be honest.

So is there a very young child in the household grieving for their mum? I wouldn’t push anything at the moment, tbh-it must all be very fresh and painful.

I wonder if he is ready for a new relationship. A year is very recent. I would not mention the ring because he is choosing to wear it. He will stop when he feels ready. He may never be ready.

Gosh, that's a very recent bereavement and very soon for him to be dating again while he has such a young child who will be grieving for her mummy. I think there are bigger things for you to consider than him wearing a ring on a chain, esp when you don't know anything about the ring and who it belonged to.

Wow that is not even enough time to fully get over a break up let alone the death of the mother of your child. That poor kid. The ring is the least of your issues here

Sorry I think YABU (assuming it is her ring) - he is still (and, to some extent, may always be) grieving the loss of his life partner and the mother of his child. Please don't let your own insecurity affect his grieving process.

My friend lost her partner several years ago - she met someone else around 10 months after his death and is now married to him with a baby. However, she will always be a widow and still wears a necklace with her partner's ashes in. That doesn't mean she loves her husband and baby any less.

I think you need to think very hard before you go any further with this relationship - being with a widow or widower is not an easy option and requires a lot of selflessness and understanding on your part. I think a lot of people would struggle with it (myself included) and there is no shame in admitting that.

(I know this isn't an AIBU but the response seemed to fit so please take the gentle YABU in the spirit in which it was meant!)

He has a small child, this child's mother died less than a year ago, and he's already bringing a woman into the home. Wow. I'd be very, very wary that he's looking for a replacement mummy.

His judgement is suspect to say the least.

Hi @Anon6454. I am too dating a widower. He was married for 15 years with two early teen children. His wife had been on a palliative care pathway for a couple of years and so they made their memories, had family counselling and made their peace with the awful turn of luck that was dealt them. I met him 6 months after she died but she had been in a hospice for 6 months prior to her death.

from the outside, it looks like he jumped straight in, but he really didn’t. He had 2 years to plan and grieve and so already had dealt with the loss before she died.

why shouldn’t he be able to move on with his life and meet somebody new? He’s an incredible man and if I was terminally ill I’d absolutely want him to find happiness again.

Anyway, I digress. I would certainly ask about the ring as I’d be curious too. It’s hard to know what to do and say and what could be intrusive. If he’s ready for dating then he’ll happily answer you question.

we have been together 18 months now, so if you have any questions, please ask 😊

I would just say "I've been meaning to ask you about your necklace. Was this X's ring?"

Less than a year ago is nothing OP. He hasn't even gone through the first anniversary of losing her yet. I also think he's probably dating too soon, but everyone grieves and moves on in different ways.

I understand it is difficult for you but, kindly, I think you need to let this go. He'll probably stop wearing it in time, and put it away for their child in the future.

My DH's friend's first wife died over 10 years ago. They didn't have children. I think it's a little odd that he still has a picture of them on their wedding day on the mantlepiece even though he's now married again with 3 children. To me, it almost feels like "if she hadn't died I'd still be with her and not you".

@MooMooSharoo

My DH's friend's first wife died over 10 years ago. They didn't have children. I think it's a little odd that he still has a picture of them on their wedding day on the mantlepiece even though he's now married again with 3 children. To me, it almost feels like "if she hadn't died I'd still be with her and not you".

But presumably he would be, if she hadn't passed away, so it's not an insult to his now wife and mother of his children. I think it's lovely of his wife to acknowledge his first wife was an important part of his life and someone he loved before her.

@MooMooSharoo I would say the same too, in a casual non judgemental way- don't make a big deal of it and for christs sake don't ask him to remove it. I actually would rather like a guy who cared enough about someone to do that. There are plenty who just seem to think 'next' in these situations. And I agree with what others say- some people do find it a little easier grief wise if they have someone new in their life. Life is short as these people know and maybe they are keen to snatch some new happiness.

Well, I came on to suggest that when you're laying on his chest you just fiddle with the ring a bit and say "tell me about this lovely necklace".

However since your update I'm shocked. Personally I think this is far too soon after his partner's passing to be getting in to another serious relationship. He needs to take time out to properly grieve, and help his young child come to terms with their loss. Is he just after a replacement "mother" to his child (that's what I'd be worried about).

I would be taking a step back from this. I hope he hasn't introduced the child to you yet.

Could be worse. A friend of mine started dating a widower and a couple of months into the relationship, he appeared with a suitcase of his dead wife's clothes and suggested that my friend might like to wear them as they were the same height and build. 😱

Could be his mum's? Could be anyone's.

If you are not going to get jealous no harm in asking gently. Making it clear you are just curious nothing more.

I don't think she does have every right to ask him to take it off tbh she has only been seeing him two months!

Two months in you have no right to be asking these type of questions imo. You are barely dating.
Enjoy each others company, have fun, no need to be so serious at thos stage basically 8 weeks in.