Does separation ALWAYS fuck up the kids?

[Tryingtobepositive123]

Hi,

My partner and I are separating after 10 years. He was very grumpy and cross and I got fed up of it. 2dds age 5 and 1. He wasn't keen on splitting at first but I think is accepting that he wasn't that happy either, and actually wanted to feel more loved than I made him feel.

We are currently living together until we work out next steps. It's very cordial and no arguments, we are very lucky to have separate rooms to sleep in. I'm sure there will be ups and downs but I'm hopeful we can maintain excellent relations and co-parent as we move to nesting (I hope).

However, from reading a few threads on here some people think separation/ divorce will always fuck the kids up. Is this a universal view? How can I minimise it?

Basically I was really happy in my decision to split but that has me thinking it's not bad enough to ruin the kids' lives.

if it’s amicable then great, keep it that way. Try to have your separate homes close to each other, for convenience.

Honestly, when future partners and children (step, or new babies) come into the picture, that’s when things can go south. Personally I’d advise against bringing any new children into the kids’ lives. Easier said than done. 🤷‍♀️

It’s a major childhood event, sure. But so are a lot of things. It’s part of life.

No it doesn't always fuck kids lives up. My 2 are adults and fine.

My parents separated when I was 2years old and it enabled me to grow up in a stable, loving and happy environment. I’d class my self as normal/not fucked up and my mums strength is something I’ve always admired her for.

It's obviously not ideal but I d imagine it s better to separate rather than subject the kids to a conflictive environment.

I don't think anything that comes with separation has to fuck up kids as long as the parents act like adults.

Parents split when I was 11. I’m not fucked up. I’ve got some unresolved issues from their divorce but nothing that affects my life. (And tbh they didn’t follow the divorce rule book very well, lots of arguing in front of us, lots of blaming, lots of bad mouthing about the other parent.)

My kids took it so much better than I thought. They have been amazing and have adapted really well. They are older than yours. The fact that yours are so young is actually a good thing.

My step kids seem to be doing fine (2 & 6 at time of split, 8 & 13 now.)

My wife coparents effectively with her ex. He only has them every other weekend but they feel loved by him and he's there for the important stuff and they know there's good communication between them.

Of course, she also feels like murdering him sometimes but it's infrequent and they keep it well away from the kids - otherwise they knock along well and can laugh together.

The kids (obviously) don't like conflict and I think their life would have been full of it if their parents had stayed together - it certainly was while they did.

Now they hear their parents laughing on the phone and only very very rarely hear a crossed word between them. It's worth so much, I think.

And I know there's hundreds of women on here who were never able to provide that for their kids due to their ex being trash :(

No. I left ex when DS was 2y2m. We moved out when I had a new job and a temporary flat in a new town. I took DS back to see ex most weekends.

But ex had so little to do with ds during his first two years of life (why I left) that when we moved, DS didn't actually notice his df wasn't there (says it all really).

DS was a happy, cheerful and secure little boy. In his head his df was a sort of optional extra. Nice to see occasionally but not someone he relies on. DS is now 14 and they still have the same relationship.

Ex can't be bothered to be more involved, and does at most 15 nights per year. DS has never known him be more involved so doesn't expect it. I do all the parenting - care, homework help, love & affection, sports, schools etc

It works for us.

I was going to say this but Cheesandcrackers had already said it.

Anyway the short answer is "no" - why should it?

The main thing is never to use the children as any kind of emotional or financial or any other form of bargaining chip; or to argue in front of them etc. Model to them that two adults who no longer want to be in a relationship* together can still look out for their children's best interests.

*though you will always have a relationship of sorts, as you are both their parents.

The only thing that fucked me up about my parents separating was the fact they should have done it a decade earlier... the damage they did, splitting a week after I'd got married at age 21 (too early, and mainly to get away from them) was far more than it would have been if it had happened when I was 11 - when my father tried to abandon us all on the other side of the world (didn't work, plan foiled at last minute, even though my mother knew about his little plan she still stayed with him).

My father staying until myself and my two brothers were all adults did us no favours - it was pretty obvious he was basically counting down the days/months/years until his youngest child was 18...he left barely 6 months after. It was also obvious that there was no love between my parents and none was shown to us, either.

I have told my mother - when I finally had it confirmed (I'd always suspected), only last year what he'd attempted to do when I was 11 - that I wish to God my father's plan to abandon us had succeeded.

However, from reading a few threads on here some people think separation/ divorce will always fuck the kids up. Is this a universal view?

My mother stayed with my father until we all flew the nest. It screwed us up living in that atmosphere, and then later once we realised our mother had stayed because of us, screwed us up even more. It made us feel responsible for her staying. Dont do that to yours.

Just try to keep it civil and work on any disagreements as amicably as possible. Always tell the children its not their fault, these things happen, and you both love them.

It goes south because some adults are unable to act like adults.

They need to expect their child's other parent to move on with their life including re-marrying and/or possibly having other children.

Many children are happy or not bothered to have more siblings - then again it helps if you have parents who don't use any of the children as a target.

I don’t think it always fucks them up. I separated with ex when ds was 1 and I can see ways it has affected him (less control over his life, struggling at times without enough time with me, his main emotional support) and also ways it has benefited him (more confidence as he has been in more situations, resilience). I think there are ways those downsides could be mitigated if both working together. It’s amicable with my ex but we have differing opinions over things so do a combination of parallel parenting and coparenting.

Far more likely to fuck them up by seeing their parents in a dysfunctional / unhappy relationship IMO

Agree that better when young than old and THROW yourself into an amicable relationship with ex. Don't do that 'casual' enquiry 'and so has your dad got any... SPECIAL FRIENDS on the go, not that I care or am bitter or resentful at all?'

Also make sure that their moving round schedule works for THE CHILDREN, it's pretty shit tbh living your whole life schlepping between two bases as the grown-ups would never do that themselves. I did get resentful as both my parents were quite vocal about how wonderful it was to have their own settled place exactly how they liked it and I lived out of a sports grip and got in trouble at school for having the wrong thing in the wrong place (ie because you have to remember EVERYTHING on a Sunday for the week ahead, every week).

On the flip side, I have always been very good at packing!

In my case my parents fucked me up by staying together.

It's what you do next that determines how well your kids come out of this. They won't remember you together as a family.
Work on a good co-parenting situation and be choosy who you date and introduce your kids to.
I think my SC have come out as decent, well rounded people.

No it doesn't.
My youngest was 5 when I separated from his dad and is much less affected (if at all) than his older siblings. He sometimes hears stories from his siblings about the past and doesn't remember the bad atmosphere that preceded the split.
I've read lots of posts on here from people whose parents stayed together for the kids and they always say that they wish they hadn't. The kids knew that the parents didn't get along so feel awful that they were a barrier to their parents' happiness.
Some people are crap spouses but much better as a parent. This is the ideal situation as the kids win.
At the end of the day, your relationship will have a massive effect on your kids relationships. If they see you tolerating verbal abuse from a grumpy man then when they find themselves in that position, they will be more likely to tolerate it too.

No my dd even witnessed dv and 8 years on she’s great and happy and excelling at school. And I can take all the credit 😁

I think our tiny family works much better than a 2 parent dynamic as we get on so well and work as a team.

Compared to living with two happy loving parents - possibly worse.

But that's not the comparison is it?

Compared to two unhappy parents modelling a terrible relationship - not at all, it's a million times better.

Does splitting up fuck kids up? Sometimes. Does not splitting up fuck kids up ? Sometimes.

Separation does not fuck up kids....conflict does. Kids who live in "together" homes with high levels of conflict will be as fucked up as kids who live in separated homes with high levels of conflict.

Having said there are protective factors.

An excellent co-parenting relationship
A good parenting plan
Discussion and agreement around introducing new partners and blending families
Not too many big changes at once. Children who experience a lot of changes quickly don't fare as well.
Children are kept out of parental conflict and blame - no name calling etc
Children are given some level of say in how things look going forward but big decisions are for the parents to make
Children feel like they are allowed to love and respect both parents
Children have access to loving figures from both sides of the family

There is lots of research on this, particularly coming out of Australia. Check out Dr Jen McIntosh for research on the impacts of children post-separation.

Also checkout Parenting Apart courses where you are.

I think it’s not really about whether you’re together or not, it’s about how well you get along.

So parents who are on good terms and can co-parent effectively are better than parents who don’t like each other and are frequently in conflict. Whether they’re together or not is not really the main factor.