Does separation ALWAYS fuck up the kids?

[Tryingtobepositive123]

Hi,

My partner and I are separating after 10 years. He was very grumpy and cross and I got fed up of it. 2dds age 5 and 1. He wasn't keen on splitting at first but I think is accepting that he wasn't that happy either, and actually wanted to feel more loved than I made him feel.

We are currently living together until we work out next steps. It's very cordial and no arguments, we are very lucky to have separate rooms to sleep in. I'm sure there will be ups and downs but I'm hopeful we can maintain excellent relations and co-parent as we move to nesting (I hope).

However, from reading a few threads on here some people think separation/ divorce will always fuck the kids up. Is this a universal view? How can I minimise it?

Basically I was really happy in my decision to split but that has me thinking it's not bad enough to ruin the kids' lives.

Staying in an unhappy relationship for the kids is what fucks them up

Coparenting done well is an excellent way to model behaviour for your children.

No it doesn't, but it massively depends on how it's handled - my parents separated, and until my youngest sibling was 12 they did all Christmas mornings and birthdays together. After that it was significant events: graduation, 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays. When I got married I didn't need to worry about where I sat them or anything like that. When we had our first kid I didn't have to coordinate visit times or anything. They hate each other, but they deal with their personal feelings well for the sake of us.

It’s tricky, I would say that my dc were badly affected and so were their friends with divorced parents. I have seen too many expensive legal battles over finances and access and I would say that if someone is a non resident parent they need to actively work at the relationship but no one tells you this. My ex didn’t and now he doesn’t really have a relationship with dc. I feel there’s a lot of bonding just from being the person to cuddle your child when they have a nightmare, cook them their favourite meal, talk about their problems etc. I haven’t really thought about it before but I suppose kids must have love languages in the way adults do and so a lot of non resident parents don’t know enough about the child to meet those needs.

obviously if one parent is abusive then the children benefit by the relationship ending. In my case my ex didn’t want to do counselling or to repair the relationship and I sometimes wish I could go back in time and fix our problems earlier in the marriage because my poor dc don’t like their dad and he doesn’t seem very happy either. I have a younger man so things have turned out well for me - but he has no kids so there will never be any blending or complications.

DH's parents split when he was 3 and honestly he's the most unfucked up person ever. His parents co-parented brilliantly and life was just 'normal' for him - living with DMil Saturday evening - Thursday morning and DFil Thursday evening - Saturday evening. They stayed living near each other and he just had two loving parents in two loving homes. DH now 37, had 2 long relationships before meeting me when he was 26, is a fantastic and committed dad and an equal partner (actually I suspect his dad looking after him solo and his mum working made this more of a thing as his dad was a 'primary' parent 3 days a week) and we've been together 11 years and still going very strong.

So long as you both do your best to keep things amicable and always put the kids first they’ll be just fine.

XH and I split when DD was 11. I wouldn’t say it’s always been friendly, there were some major challenges while the divorce itself was ongoing, but we’ve always managed to come together as a team for DD when it matters and she’s nearly 19 now and doing great!

I would put my shit marriage of 20 years (now finished) down partly to the fact that my parents had a thoroughly shit marriage and didn't split up, and it was all I knew.

So, even if my dc are a bit upset on occasion that their parents have divorced, I'd take a few hours of upset at 13 which they've forgotten tomorrow, over making terrible relationships choices themselves and repeating patterns.

Better two parents cooperating (or even not) apart then living in the middle of constant fights or abuse.

its the parents who separate just because the spark is gone and have settled into a marriage of friendship where the children might be better with an intact family.

There isn’t a clear cut answer. If you split amicably and can deal with things maturely then there it doesn’t need to be traumatic.
From observing break ups in family/friends I’ve noticed that bringing new partners/step children onto the scene can cause a lot of damage. Fights between the parents about finances and divisor of custody too.

I think if co-parenting is done well, then it can be fine for the children. I do personally think getting it absolutely right is difficult though.

My ex fucked up by not being there, when he was there he wasn't respectful to DS's views and needs and ultimately now, DS aged 19, they go a good few months between seeing each other. I think they message, and generally get on ok, but I don't see much of a Dad/Son relationship.

A real shame and I hope it's made ex realise where he messed up (I did tell him I didn't think it would end well)

Where I think I/we went wrong - DS was a newborn when we separated, I always thought that was a positive, ie DS not being part of a separation, however DS had questions that he didn't like to ask as he got older so made up his own conclusions, things that would have been clearer to him had we separated later on. So that's where I wish we'd thought about it - not sure how we would have broached the subject though.

Thanks so much for your responses - so many really interesting points to consider.

They've been really encouraging and while I'm probably a bit naive as we are currently being on best behaviour (and it's working better than usual!) I am pretty confident that we won't descend into lots of fighting. Luckily we are unmarried so no courts and both earn similar so not much to split re: future money, both plan to live near each other and get on with each other's families.

Like I said - not much arguing in our relationship but for many reasons but I didn't want the girls to repeat this relationship.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences - some good some bad. And for those that are bad I hope you have recovered x

I think you are best to go your separate ways before things like resentment sets in and it’s still possible to have a cordial conversation with ex about kids.
It’s not good for kids to be in an unhappy home they grow up thinking it’s normal.
Too much has happened between myself and my ex for us to have any form of coparenting relationship. I contact him as little as possible to avoid conflict as it’s not good for DC.

some people think separation/ divorce will always fuck the kids up.

I've never heard this expressed?

I have of course heard the belief that separation can cause difficulties for children, depending on the circumstances & how it is handled.

I'm separated. Most damage was caused by my abusive ex & separation was essential for my DC well-being, and mine - if we hadn't separated, I dread to think how I might have functioned as a mother & the potential damage that could have been caused.

It's part of parenting to accept that you won't get it right, and you'll fuck your kids up to some extent in some way or other. It's going to happen, that's humans, but I don't think that a reasonably well handled divorce which centres the kids, doesn't become a bitter battle ground, done as early as possible, is the worst thing you can do.

Conversely, soldiering on "for the kids" and gripping on to a miserable marriage and a "perfect from the outside" 2.4 kids marriage for grim death because you feel divorce will fuck them up, more likely to fuck them up.

Definitely not. My DC benefitted from it. Even when they were young and didn't understand there would be benefits for them longer term, they took it very matter of factly.

I think children are very influenced by how the adults around them are acting. If they get a sense that there's a lot of upset and worry about it, then they will respond in a similar way. If they see the adults are OK, being cordial, excited about the future etc, they will be just fine.

My colleague and her ex have pretty much the perfect example of how a healthy separation looks. Their kids, now adults all are thriving, and they themselves are friendly with each other and sometimes on family events all hang out together as a close knit bunch.

But I know they worked hard at putting aside their differences their only focus was what was best for the kids. She would vent privately to us and her friends but they were reasonable and compromised a lot when it came to the children.

Yes, I sort of think it does really.
Kids are egocentric and everyone will say if their parents are happy they will be happy but I don’t believe this. They aren’t especially bothered if their parents are happy and would rather they stayed together.
The only place I think otherwise is if there’s abuse. That aside, I don’t think anyone should leave a relationship when there’s children.

I know it’s not a popular opinion but it’s what I think.
I do think splitting can be mitigated but it’s then about making the best of a less than ideal
situation.

A someone who is on the verge of ending her marriage, I hope that what a PP said is true, that Compared to living with two happy loving parents - possibly worse.

Compared to two unhappy parents modelling a terrible relationship - not at all, it's a million times better.

**

That's my own personal experience @Likeabrokenrecord

I hope it works out for you.

My ex has been a far better ex husband than he ever was a husband. And, interestingly, has stepped up as a father. He used to leave all the parenting ti me 24-7, but now that he can do absolutely what he likes for 5 days in 7, he properly focuses on them for his 2!

Compared to two happy parents then yes I believe it does fuck them up a bit. But if you’re not comparing to two happy parents then it’s largely irrelevant. It’s attempts to blend families that really causes the problems in my experience.

I'd argue 'staying together for the sake of kids' is wat fucks kids kids up

Definitely not. My parents split when I was 8. It was probably one of the best decisions either of them ever made for me as a child (one of the few sensible decisions to be fair). I was so relieved as home life was quite stressful living together and I was really excited for the change and the fresh start. Having a shitty dad wasn't great for me (and having a mum with her own issues actually wasn't great either), but them splitting was a fantastic decision for me. I think sometimes it's difficult to disentangle parents breaking up and parents just being shit parents - as often one parent will choose to split when they get fed up with what a shit parent (and partner) the other is - so it's likely that lots of people with separated parents also have at least one shitty one too. But their lives would not have been better having to live fulltime with their shitty parent in an unhappy household.

So you think living in a home with tension, arguments, and making each other unhappy is the right environment for kids to grow up in? Them seeing this as a 'normal and loving' relationship?

Its not about 'parents being happy'. It's about how their clearly unsuitable relationship can cause the environment to be a negative one. How that can then impact the way those children behave when they are older. How they themselves treat people in relationships.

I think unless you have first hand experience you won't know any better.

Sounds like you are doing whats best. The worst thing you can do is bring them up in a volatile household with tensions and awkwardness. (Or worse, arguing and shouting)

No matter how tough it gets, just keep your kids in the forefront of your minds. They didn't choose this, so make it as kind and smooth as possible and they will be fine.

My parents fucked me and my siblings up by separating. We are all under-achievers with low self-worth. Most of my friends tend tend to also be children of divorced parents - also anxious, low confidence, failing at life. I can tell the difference when someone has married parents - they don’t have those jangled nerves we have.

That's a shame @SchizoidLife
I don't get it though - how did your parents separating affect your confidence etc?