Does separation ALWAYS fuck up the kids?

[Tryingtobepositive123]

Hi,

My partner and I are separating after 10 years. He was very grumpy and cross and I got fed up of it. 2dds age 5 and 1. He wasn't keen on splitting at first but I think is accepting that he wasn't that happy either, and actually wanted to feel more loved than I made him feel.

We are currently living together until we work out next steps. It's very cordial and no arguments, we are very lucky to have separate rooms to sleep in. I'm sure there will be ups and downs but I'm hopeful we can maintain excellent relations and co-parent as we move to nesting (I hope).

However, from reading a few threads on here some people think separation/ divorce will always fuck the kids up. Is this a universal view? How can I minimise it?

Basically I was really happy in my decision to split but that has me thinking it's not bad enough to ruin the kids' lives.

It makes you feel worthless. Hard to explain.

People assume I am confident - because I can be brave, but the deep sense of worth is lacking - perhaps it feels like rejection deep down, so I don’t see myself as having value, no matter what anyone else says. It’s too deep.

Do you mean like you feel it's because of you that your parents separated?that you weren't 'good enough' or something to keep them together? @SchizoidLife

(I hope you'll forgive my intrusive questioning - im just trying to get to the bottom of your feelings to try to ensure this doesn't happen for my own dds).

I’ve seen a new trend amongst friends where the couples do almost everything still together and are friends. Just not married anymore. One friend had to eventually tell her son when he was old enough a few years ago (5) to ask why mum and dad don’t live in the same house like other mum and dads. They still have in laws taking their kids round and fathers parents picking up the kids from school etc.

It could be because times have changed. People can divorce over just not feeling the chemistry anymore, and made a decisive move to separate before they stopped being friends and things went too bad. That’s 4 couples I know like this. Usually instigated by the women (any relevance? I don’t know), because they’d just become more like ‘friends’ and not romantic anymore. Their Dcs seem to be happy well adjusted and enjoying the benefits of more than just mum and dad. But also dads girlfriend, and mums fiancé and more parties and nights with different parents.

I do know others who had horrendous divorces too.

I know this is a bit of a weird one, but I watched the Ed Sheeran documentary on Disney and he was bereaved of a dear friend in it. He said something really astute, to paraphrase, that he realised that losing someone made you grow up, that was it, childhood over, and he then understood what it was like for kids at school who have been bereaved. It’s bye bye childhood.

In my early childhood there were some secure - kind of ‘golden’ memories, of us all together, all safe. I know my parents’ marriage was already on the rocks before I was born, but that cosy, safe feeling was there and only stopped when they separated. It was like a reverse of The Wizard of Oz - what was in colour got bleached out into black and white. Instead of it seeming like us kids being the centre of their shared world, it was a lot of confusing, uncomfortable stuff happening (basically- the practical things that need to be done when parents separate). My parents started to seem needy instead of supportive of us, needing our approval of their choices. Then also they started to go frosty when they needed to do something grown up, but didn’t have their spouse there to step in. Fun and games or affection and comfort turning to a frown, pursed lips and cold body language.

It’s like a death of a thousand cuts. Lots of mini rejections. I think I also felt pressure to pretend to be happy too, so my parents wouldn’t feel bad - they didn’t overtly pressurise me, but I was perceptive enough to notice they needed that pretence in order to function. Perhaps that’s where the worthlessness comes in - my feelings are unimportant- my parents are the ones who need supporting. Having those sort of worries doesn’t really give you a chance to be a kid.

Thank you so much @SchizoidLife - it's extremely kind of you to share this.

Ok, so for you it seems like it was more the terrible way which your own parents handled the divorce as opposed to the divorce itself. The thing that I will absolutely be taking away from your post, is to make sure my dds know that they are allowed to feel sad about our divorce, I may be guilty of being so happy myself, that they are feeling forced to keep up the pretence of happiness themselves, I will rectify that. Thank you for sharing that.
I don't think I do the other things you mentioned, so fingers crossed if I sort the above out, they'll be fine. Thank you x

Interestingly I was having this conversation the other day as my parents are divorced and in laws are very snobby about it. I'd honestly say it's one of the most positive things to ever happen in my life. Both my parents met others and remarried. I have 2 amazing parents and 2 loving step parents, my children have 4 amazing grandparents because of it. I have 2 step siblings and a half sibling, I get 2 Christmas's and 2 birthdays. My children get so many extra people to love and care for them. I have benefited hugely from the advice, help and love of step parents who I never would have otherwise met. My step siblings are interesting and wonderful people . I love having a big family.

I would say my parents still get along and make an effort to do so and this helps immensely. They went halves on my wedding and on the full travel system for my first child. They organise taking my brother to/from uni so it's equal. I'm happy enough to have them to my birthday party together and my step mum and mum and half sibling and step sister all came to my hen do and got along.

My parents not splitting up fucked me up pretty badly.

My parents didn't separate when they should have and fucked us up that way instead!

I don’t think there’s any way for it not to have an impact, but staying together also has an impact. Children cope with a lot as long as they have adult support to do so.

Echoing that my parents not splitting up was what fucked us up

My parents didn’t split up.
I remember, at age of about 3, the coathanger under my mum’s side of the sheets, the filthy words he called her that he didn’t think I’d know or remember, the small and petty things he’d do to her.
I remember how, at 16, I caught my dad cheating on my mum and how he blamed me for catching him.

No matter how shit divorce would’ve been, a shitty marriage is worse.

I honestly wish mine had split up sooner, didn’t do it til we were adults.

I can only speak for myself and yes, it caused major problems for me when my parents split up. I was so desperately unhappy and unsettled by it. It was the worst of times.

Things only got better for me when I went to live on my grandparent's farm at the age of 14.

The fallout from this is that I very rarely see or even speak to my mother. On the other hand, I see my father on quite a regular basis, despite him living in New York.

Others may have differing experiences, this was mine.

It's when new partners and children come into the mix that the problems start. The children often at best feel pushed out - usually in my experience for good reason. I think it can work and where abuse is present clearly it's best to split but I don't think most parents who claim their children are fine post split really know. Children are good at saying what they think adults want to hear - so are adults! Good luck OP you are clearly trying to put your children first which is admirable.

Yes. At the end of the day, parental separation/divorce is a traumatic, destabilising event for children and I get where OP is coming from, but if the question was a different life changing event, like bereavement, I wonder if you would get the same kind of responses eg “Does the death of a parent ALWAYS fuck up the kids?” (perhaps because the op was contemplating ending it all).

Would you get people who had abusive/cruel parents coming on, saying “I just wish the old bastard died quicker”, or people who felt they did pretty well, all things considered say, “I’m fine, it’s made me stronger”, etc.

The thing is, what people who haven’t been through it as kids, don’t seem to get, is that when your family breaks up, it is a bereavement of sorts - it’s the death of the family unit. Yes the parents are still the same people, as are the siblings. But in reality it’s not a ‘family’ any more. And the home isn’t the ‘family home’ any more. Just related people with certain duties and responsibilities living in certain premises, interacting in the most practical and convenient way with one another. It’s hard to quantify the impact this loss has, just like a bereavement, upon children.

Having parents that are unhappy and don’t get along does harm kids, but separating will mean that kids have to essentially deal with the death of the family unit, as well as parents who don’t get on. With these parents who seem to be able to boss it at co-parenting, which people are anecdotally referring to on this thread - I can’t help but wonder why parents who are so willing and able to co-operate, split up at all.

This^
my parents stayed together and I don’t think it helped me much…,

You have no idea what you would have missed out on if they separated when you were a kid.

I do. I would miss out a lot of ugly scenes and scary experiences which scarred me for the rest of my life.
My late Dad was an alcoholic. He wasn’t much involved in my life even when he wasn’t drinking, he stopped drinking eventually but it was too late for me as I moved away already and there was no much bond between us.

How do you think you would have felt staying at his place without your mum there as a kid?

It’s parent fighting that affects children either before separation or sharing custody. As your kids are very young are you really going to continue to live in the same house for a long period, try very hard to resolve your differences.

I was 3 when my parents split. I don't actually ever remember them being together so it was the norm for me to visit my Dad at weekends growing up.
They dealt with it so well and both would attend my parties/celebrations growing up with their new partners and for that I will be forever grateful.

Plus 2 Christmas' 🤣

@Tryingtobepositive123 your kids are young enough to adjust and not remember mum and dad being together down the line.

It won't mess them up but structure and routine are important. They have to be confident of where home is and the routine of home life. You can't pass the parcel with kids and expect them to grow up happy and well adjusted.

I feel like a lot of people are projecting their own feelings and preferences on this thread. I don't think there is a magic formula which you can follow to guarantee that children won't be messed up. Every child is different, every family has a different dynamic.

For example for one child, structure and routine might be best for but for another a free flowing arrangement that allows a child to see either parent whenever they want to might be best.

I think the main things are not being an arsehole, thinking about what allows your particular child(ren) to thrive and the parents making an effort to be empathetic and kind to each other so they can co-parent effectively without conflict.

I wouldn’t. It wasn’t a thing back then so he would just go to his parents the other side of the country and wouldn’t see me.
It’s how it worked.