Over-reliance on adult kids

[HandbagsnGladrags]

So, I've posted before about my mum and how much she relies on me and my sister for her social life/holidays, everything really. My sister has recently started to pull back a little and spend more time with her husband (quite rightly, I think) and mum is clearly feeling the fact that less time is being spent with her. To put it into context, both of us usually saw her every weekend. But sometimes weekends are being missed now.

It's come to a head recently as we both (accidentally) booked the same two weeks to be away in the summer and mum has commented on a number of occasions how we're all going to be away at the same time, with the air of someone who is being neglected. I think the implication is that we should have consulted each other and made sure we weren't away at the same time. These comments are starting to grate and I'm not sure how to address it with her.

The other thing is that I ended up going on a sunshine holiday with her last year as she had no one else to go with, and hadn't been abroad for a few years. We had a nice enough time but I found it quite difficult and it's not something I really want to repeat. She used to come on family holidays with us but the kids are all grown now and we are enjoying holidays just the two of us. I think she had the impression that this would become an annual thing. I've had to say to her that I can't afford it this year (which is the truth) but I still feel the expectation for future years.

I hope this doesn't sound heartless but I don't know how to get her out of this cycle of her reliance on her adult kids. She's in her 70's but fit and healthy. I've tried to suggest lots of things for her to do (clubs/singles Saga holidays, etc) and she makes the right noises and then does nothing. Any advice would be appreciated.

Anyone?

I have similar but mum doesn’t really expect it - but she is on her own and her friends are kind of superficial and she wouldn’t go on holiday with them etc.
It ends up making me feel so guilty and I hate it but mum always tells me she doesn’t expect me to be her social life - doesn’t make any difference to how I feel though. We have a chance to move abroad but all anyone ever says is ‘oh but what about your mum’ and it drives me crazy!!

In the end I have tried to focus on my reactions to it. Similar to you I have suggested so many things but she won’t do it and there’s nothing I can do about that 🤷🏻‍♀️ so I just try to repeat to myself all the time that my mums happiness is not my responsibility. I have also had counselling. It has helped a bit.

In terms of you addressing it with her - I have talked about it with my mum and we even did joint counselling ( it came to a bit of a head at one point) but all she does is insist she doesn’t expect it. So I’ve had to believe that. But I do think you need to raise it with your mum and get it all out in the open.

Maybe our mums should get together @Justchooseone! I sympathise - it's difficult to be more selfish when you get a guilt trip.

To put it in perspective for you - I am an only child. Imagine if you didn’t have your sister to share this with!!

And yes maybe we should get them together 🤣

I try hard not to be like that with my son and daughter but I have a few friends that are like this with their adult children.
It’s important that you have your own social life as you get older and not to make your children feel guilty for having their own lives to live.

Me too, my dad is still around however becoming uncreasingly unable to do things. My mum is putting expectation on me to go away with her, etc, and there are plenty of guilt trips. I have nobody to share it with 😔.

OP, I sympathise with you. You havebyour own life and it isn't fair to be lookimg to.you and your sister as her only source of social life. She is fit and healthy and not unable so she needs to take some personal responsibility and get herself out there and involved in something she has an interest in.

It is good that she responds positively to suggestions of going out and joining clubs, etc. Could you maybe get her some leaflets to look at as a gentle push? Maybe she is nervous to try something new, you couldmoffer to gonalong with her on the first day?

Stand your ground, and slowly start to scale back the amount of time you spend with her. It is extremely unfair of anyone to rely on other adults for their entertainment, especially adult children. She has to take responsibility for her own life, as we all do.

Say "I have friends who I would also like to see on weekends. Who else do you have that you could spend time with that isn't X(sister) or myself?" If she mentions some names, keep bringing up "have you seen Y or Z?" If she had no one then ask "What have you done to meet people? Have you tried church? Volunteering? (Whatever other activities you think might suit)"

You need to push the issue and make it clear that you have lots of people that you want to spend time with and you expect the same if her.

I feel for you all tbh.
There's often a tipping point when a parent goes from being a welcome addition to their adult DCs lives, to a bit of a burden. Usually coinciding with the age the parent becomes less independent and less keen to branch out into unfamiliar things (like saga!) less 'useful' for child entertainment purposes, and less active and fun as a companion. Their company is no longer the enjoyment of an equal adult and more of a responsibility. Its no one's fault, and navigating the change isn't easy for any of you.
I think you need to accept that meeting your mum's needs will always involve some sacrifice of your own from now on, and decide on how much of that you're prepared to do.

Can I just ask without causing offence - did your mum help you when you had children OP?

We certainly never relied on her for childcare on a regular basis, if that's what you mean. Whatever she did help with I feel I've more than repaid. I don't think that getting the odd bit of childcare should make you beholden to an elderly parent for years on end.

Could you and your sister club together and gift her a weekend away with Saga or similar? Might push her to try it.

I feel for you. My late MIL was very like your mum. FIL died in his 60s and MIL was very much adrift. She would get very upset if there was ‘no-one around’ to look after her, although for most of her remaining years she could be independent.

She took umbrage at DH & I going away without inviting her, and heaven forbid that my own parents might need or want me.

As others have said, I could only work on my own response to her; it was easier that she was a MIL and I could , I felt legitimately, decide she was not my responsibility. But she was like a wee cloud on every horizon each time we planned something without her.

DH practiced saying No, meaning it, and ignoring the passive aggressive attempts at guilt. And in answer to another poster, No, she did not help with any of her grandchildren .

This is completely unfair on you and your sister op. You are not alive to serve the needs of your mother!

In your place, I would organise how much or little you are prepared to do with your sister, come to an agreement and then tell your mother what can be arranged in the future over lunch. Don’t allow it to become the elephant in the room.

You can’t supply a whole life for her, she needs to take responsibility. She may well moan and guilt trip or she may take the reins. Either way enough is enough.

i don’t think this is a fair comment. I am a few years younger than OPs mum. I provide childcare but I don’t think my kids owe me anything in return. I would want my children to enjoy their holidays when their kids have flown the nest.

Thankyou @Flossflower

I feel like I can't talk about or look forward to our holidays in front of her because she's missing out. After dad died maybe I made the mistake of trying to look after her too much. Annual family holidays became a 'thing' but the first year I didn't ask her it became a big deal. With the kids at uni now I just don't want to get into that again - it would be weird her coming with just me and DH.

I am a lone parent and would be mortified if l became such a burden on my children in later life, I did have a very similar experience with my own Dad so l know that dreaded feeling of guilt, and that's why l ensure l have plenty of hobbies and interests and interaction. But l do know many people in relationships who solely rely on their partners for and this is when it becomes a huge strain on other family members once their spouse passes.

Sorry, meant to say solely rely on their partners for companionship.

@Flossflower

It was not a comment at all, merely a question. I was trying to* *ascertain if OP mother felt she was owed something.
I am the same. I provide care for my family. Sometimes I would like a little less to be honest and I would not expect to holiday with them at all. It all depends on the individuals I suppose. In my case we all get on very well so this sort of thing would not happen because we communicate well

You mentioned money is a bit tight but could you or your sister manage an organised day trip somewhere with her... a coach trip or similar.. ensure she has a good experience.. then you have something to 'demonstrate' that she can do this by herself.
Then if she doesnt follow through on her own, that is entirely her choice. You can not and should not live her life for her. She has to get her act together for herself.
Forget the guilt trip... you and your sister have your own lives... and now the kids are off your hands ....

Couldn't you reach compromise OP where you have separate holidays and perhaps one with your mum. What is wrong with talking and explaining things ?

Well that's what I did last year to be fair. But my holiday time is precious and quite honestly I spent the whole week waiting for it to end. This just feeds her reliance on me, in my opinion.

I feel like I can't raise this with her without her becoming very defensive. I think it would cause a big family row. I agree it's not healthy not being able to discuss it but I'm worried about the fallout.

Its less about owing anything, and more about recognition that when people have been very involved with their adult DCs, going on family holidays, offering varying levels of support with childcare, when they're no longer able or needed for this, there's a big gap in their lives.
A lot of people's lives in their early later years revolve very much around their DCs and families. When this is no longer practical or necessary, being expected to magic up an alternative life for yourself in your 70s so your DC can get along without the inconvenience you've become as you've got older, is a bit of an ask.
There's a balance between being overly dependent and making a martyr of yourself with endless giving, before retreating conveniently into your box with zero expectations that your family might help make your old age a bit more pleasant.