Over-reliance on adult kids

[HandbagsnGladrags]

So, I've posted before about my mum and how much she relies on me and my sister for her social life/holidays, everything really. My sister has recently started to pull back a little and spend more time with her husband (quite rightly, I think) and mum is clearly feeling the fact that less time is being spent with her. To put it into context, both of us usually saw her every weekend. But sometimes weekends are being missed now.

It's come to a head recently as we both (accidentally) booked the same two weeks to be away in the summer and mum has commented on a number of occasions how we're all going to be away at the same time, with the air of someone who is being neglected. I think the implication is that we should have consulted each other and made sure we weren't away at the same time. These comments are starting to grate and I'm not sure how to address it with her.

The other thing is that I ended up going on a sunshine holiday with her last year as she had no one else to go with, and hadn't been abroad for a few years. We had a nice enough time but I found it quite difficult and it's not something I really want to repeat. She used to come on family holidays with us but the kids are all grown now and we are enjoying holidays just the two of us. I think she had the impression that this would become an annual thing. I've had to say to her that I can't afford it this year (which is the truth) but I still feel the expectation for future years.

I hope this doesn't sound heartless but I don't know how to get her out of this cycle of her reliance on her adult kids. She's in her 70's but fit and healthy. I've tried to suggest lots of things for her to do (clubs/singles Saga holidays, etc) and she makes the right noises and then does nothing. Any advice would be appreciated.

University of the third age, in most areas providing meet ups, trips etc for people of retirement age or over

My ex wife and ex sister in law wrapped their mother up in cotton wool, to the point that her every waking hour m, she wanted to spend with them both.

They created a rod for their own backs and as she's got older, she's become more demanding of them.

My solution was to divorce my ex.

I wish my mum was still here. She died when I was 30 at age 55.

I think you are actually doing terrific. You are seeing your mum on a regular basis. You have taken her on vacations during the years your children were small and adorable. What wonderful memories for her! Now that your children are adults, things will change. They change for everyone! Your mum is resisting change, which is natural.

I would just do what you need to do for yourself and your marriage, don't totally shut your mum out but don't feel you need to set your level of engagement at the place where she's perfectly happy. Set it where it makes sense for YOU. Be secure in the knowledge what you're doing is fine.

I think a couple of weekend trips per year with just your mum and sister is a great idea. The trips will be stimulation and activity for her, which will be great for her physical, mental, and emotional health. That will help her stay independent as long as possible (i.e. delaying her need for hands-on care, which is when it will get REALLY hard). Seeing her most weeks (but not necessarily every week) is also great. Checking in by phone on whatever schedule works for you, is also great. Making sure she continues to get invited to holiday celebrations (Christmas, Graduation parties etc) is also great, if you can manage it, but she doesn't have to be the center of attention there.

I would try to have the hard conversation, even if it’s a bit awkward, or it’s going to get worse as she gets older and you’ll end up completely unable to enjoy her company as you’ll be so fed up with her neediness. You could have her round for lunch with your sister one day and suggest the idea of planning two weekends away together every year, just the three of us, so she knows that’s something she can expect and look forward to. And maybe do more research about what groups or things she could join locally, when and where they happen and keep nudging on that until she tries some out. Good luck.

OP you sound totally reasonable (and like a great daughter) - comments from people wishing their mum was still around are not helpful.

One of the frustrations I have with my own mother is her sort of learned helplessness at the age of 74, whilst happily going around telling people I’ll be working till I’m 70 (post divorce, had to reboot career, etc etc). Meanwhile she’s refused to consider getting a part time job herself despite very much needing the income. In summary I think the generation above view their stage of life quite differently to how we view it - my aunt was widowed aged 66 and clearly thinks that’s it for her. I’m hoping meanwhile that at her age I’ll be raring to go and feeling at my peak!

Are you me OP? Our Mum is very similar to yours. V reliant on my sister and I to meet all of her emotional, social and physical needs.

It is really difficult- with Mum we have tried to get her to go to retired people’s clubs, saga holidays, learn a new skill and tried companionship Mum is having none of it!

Mum won’t travel anywhere on her own or go to any appointments without either myself or sister either. She cannot (refuses to learn) to use the internet or shop or bank online which limits her ability to do things further.

Have you tried any of the above with your own Mum?

I (try and) visit once a week, but like many other people I work full time and have my own family plus I live an hour away. Sis is nearer Mum, but she is busy too with her own young children and finds spending any longer than an hour with Mum mentally draining.

Really no helpful advice, but I feel your pain I feel there is lots of support out there

I think this is all very good advice. Your situation sounds stifling and similar to my own. I feel considerably better since creating some firm boundaries and sticking to them. At least in my head - I’m the same as you that it would not be worth the fallout of trying to talk about it calmly with my DM. She’d lay on the guilt trip and be terribly offended. Good luck.

Thanks all, some good advice and good to know I'm not alone.

@bugaboo218 thankfully she's ok with the internet and all that goes with it.

Some people may be still at their peak at 66 but I doubt many are. There is a huge difference in the physical capacity of someone who is in their thirties and someone in their sixties and seventies. You get much more tired and achy for one thing.

Op you and your sister sound like very caring people. Many people do become less confident and energetic in their sixties and seventies and resist change. But you can improve your friendship groups and circle of friends even at that age. I think you need to raise it with her very clearly but tactfully.

You could even say to her “we are as individuals all responsible for our own happiness” and “you need to try and branch out more … “there is this local choir that meets in the church hall on Tuesdays and the Women’s Institute meets on Thursdays.”

And I like the idea of you and your sister taking your mum away for a long weekend twice a year so she has that as a fall back.

Good luck

I’d start with encouraging her to do sone local things so that she meets new people. That may lead to more new things and potentially a travelling companion. How would she react if you said mum it really upsets me to think that you are home alone all week. I enjoy catching up with you on the weekend and it’s a shame when I have to miss a weekend but sometimes it can’t be helped. I see there’s a book club/gardening group/walking group/ yoga for over 50s on Monday at 10 just down the road from you. Why don’t you go along next week? I’ll call you on Monday night to see how it went. It would mean so much to see to know that while I am at work you are out having fun”. Or whatever version of that would appeal to her. Hopefully once she takes the plunge and tries one thing, she will try more

As someone in my 70's, in relatively good health, and active, I despair at how those of the generation of my adult DC's do not understand that in your late 60's and seventies you physically cannot cope with many things. You also cannot mentally and emotionally want to "be bothered" with many issues.
Eg, The fact that two of your Dc's have maybe had a minor disagreement and they expect their parent to get involved, when really the parent does not need the hassle, and just wants a quiet life in their twilight years.
In my social circle I have friends who are expected to look after multiple grandchildren on a regular basis, which they do for love but it exhausts them. I have friends who are caring for partners who have age related conditions, and two very close friends who are now in care homes.
What I am trying to explain that in your 20's 30's , 40's and 50's you have no idea how that sudden realisation that everything is taking you longer, using more time and energy for just the simple things affects you in later life
I don't expect my adult DC's to look after me or provide me with amusement and company, not to the detriment of their social and family lives, but a little understanding now and then that you are not quite up to managing some of their suggested activities would be nice.
I think the OP and her sister can only gently suggest activities for their DM, whose only fault is that she felt (albeit wrongly) that her daughters owe her something.
The lesson here is even if you think your DC's owe you something they definitely don't you cannot expect them to be the mainstay in your life.
This is a warning to young Mumsnetters to make sure as you get older to lead your own lives , follow interests, hobbies etc, maintain a good social circle you cannot expect you DC's however loving to run round after you!

I can't help but I do sympathise.

My dad is similar age and has been recovering from a serious illness over the past two years, he's become a bit of a recluse and depends on us for company.

He similarly makes all the right noises about joining various clubs/going on trips etc but never actually does anything unless I arrange it/go with him. I end up feeling guilty when I go away without him. MIL on the other hand goes all over the place and has a whale of a time, wish he would take a leaf out of her book.

I’m sorry for your loss

@HandbagsnGladrags OP, you’re trying your best. Perhaps you or your sister could join her for a weekend volunteering preferably with people in their 50s or more. Hopefully this will help introduce your Mum to others who are of a similar age and once she feels more comfortable and confident, she might have her own social circle?

Its not easy. I took a step back as her negativity was draining. Only so much one can do. When I hear x brings their mams away these mams are easy going lol. Its hard op

I am in my early 60s and have been widowed for nearly 5 years.

I have told my grown up dcs that I do not expect them to keeping visiting me or worrying about me - they have their own lives to lead.

I have made a busy and interesting life for myself - this started before my dh died and I do not want my dcs to feel they are obliged to visit me every weekend etc.

When I had an emergency operation 3 years ago they were brilliant and supported me post recovery; yes I do get invites to dinner and to go out with them from time to time but I do not expect to be part of their day to day lives.

It amazes me that parents in their 60s expect their dcs to run after and entertain them!

It’s more a mental state of mind, I’m not suggesting physical performance is the same as clearly that would be nonsensical.

I’m 52 but feel fitter than I have been for years, and hope in another 15 years I’m like the other older people I see at parkrun still giving it their all even if they’re never going to win any prizes. I want to still be learning and trying new things. Many older people of the current generation have grown up thinking of 70 as old and retired - the world is changing though and it’ll be the norm to still be working well into our 70s with an outlook to match, as opposed to feeling like life is pretty much over and there’s no point trying to build something new. I’m a bit tarnished by my own mother who sits passively by seemingly oblivious to the fact she may well live for another 25 years.

Sorry that was in reply to @Redhenwattle701 - clearly I haven’t mastered basic Mumsnetting yet, regardless 😆

This is excellent and I hope to do the same as you.

You sound lovely elinor. In my mothers eyes nobody works or has families...
. Its so selfish at times. I hope to be independent too and not too demanding lol

Wow! I loved being with my mum in the years she died. I think this is really sad.

Not everyone has easy parents or good relationships with their parents.

@ElinoristhenewEnid I hope I'm like you when I get to your age.

I loved spending time with my late mum; she was informed, current and spoke her mind. We had many interesting conversations.
She did bring me up to live independently , she knew I valued her and I know she valued me, but she did not rely on me for her entertainment/ social life/ etc. I was happy to help her when she was ill.
She died, too young, at 81, with a good group of friends and interests, and I really admire her.
On the other hand, my MIL could not see the value of anyone to whom she was not related by blood; she was dull, unimaginative and excruciating company. My DH would tell you the same thing. Her reliance on her immediate family was wearying.