Over-reliance on adult kids

[HandbagsnGladrags]

So, I've posted before about my mum and how much she relies on me and my sister for her social life/holidays, everything really. My sister has recently started to pull back a little and spend more time with her husband (quite rightly, I think) and mum is clearly feeling the fact that less time is being spent with her. To put it into context, both of us usually saw her every weekend. But sometimes weekends are being missed now.

It's come to a head recently as we both (accidentally) booked the same two weeks to be away in the summer and mum has commented on a number of occasions how we're all going to be away at the same time, with the air of someone who is being neglected. I think the implication is that we should have consulted each other and made sure we weren't away at the same time. These comments are starting to grate and I'm not sure how to address it with her.

The other thing is that I ended up going on a sunshine holiday with her last year as she had no one else to go with, and hadn't been abroad for a few years. We had a nice enough time but I found it quite difficult and it's not something I really want to repeat. She used to come on family holidays with us but the kids are all grown now and we are enjoying holidays just the two of us. I think she had the impression that this would become an annual thing. I've had to say to her that I can't afford it this year (which is the truth) but I still feel the expectation for future years.

I hope this doesn't sound heartless but I don't know how to get her out of this cycle of her reliance on her adult kids. She's in her 70's but fit and healthy. I've tried to suggest lots of things for her to do (clubs/singles Saga holidays, etc) and she makes the right noises and then does nothing. Any advice would be appreciated.

You and your sister are your mum's favourite people in the world. She loves you every bit as much as you love your DC. U3A is no bloody substitute!
She wants to spend time with you and prefers your company to anyone elses. You like her well enough, but fundamentally you don't feel the same. You prefer your own DC. Who will in time find you a tedious nuisance but agree to spend a bit of time with you out of decency.
No one has done anything wrong, but getting old is not for the faint hearted.

On the other hand, my MIL could not see the value of anyone to whom she was not related by blood; she was dull, unimaginative and excruciating company. My DH would tell you the same thing. Her reliance on her immediate family was wearying.

And I'm sad to say that this sums up my mum. She's just not good company, sadly.

I just think it's all really sad. Family is important. I

Mums are very precious and time is very precious. Women of that generation sacrificed a lot for their families. It makes me very sad to see the lack of awareness of how it feels to be 70 and a lack of realisation of what our mums did for us and what they coped with in a society which didn't grant them the freedoms we have now. None of us would have the life we have now without our Mums and we should be grateful and loving. I think we should look after and care for our elders as that's what they did for us. It makes me sad some of the things said on here. It won't be very nice if our children find us a drag when we are in our twilight years.

So adults have to subjugate their own needs and spend their precious free time dutifully in the company of the dull and unimaginative “because family”. Very sad.

I’m in the opposite boat, grown up son and his partner keep wanting to see me. I barely get a weekend to myself.

Difficult. I occasionally go away with my 87year old DM and although nice it would not be a holiday I choose for myself or DH as we are obviously more active in our early 60s.

I think you need to set boundaries and maybe encourage her to join groups. We belong to U3a and I belong to Ramblers. Does she have any interests at all? Did she holiday with her parents as an adult?

Every time my mum moans about us doing things which don't include her I occasionally point out we are all entitled to our own lives and we have adult children, grandchildren, friends and other family members as well as her. I think she is marvellous for wanting to do things still at her age but can't be her only source of company. Luckily she still has friends she bowls or plays bridge with and my brother spends time with her as he lives nearer and is single. No one else of her age though is available to go on holiday with her so it usually falls to me or my brother to take her.

When it comes down to it you may just have to shut your ears to the moaning and make excuses if you can't do holidays with her. Ideally she would have a widowed/single friend or sister she could go with.

I would suggest you gently set some boundaries and hold to them.

I'm an only child and my mum is very reliant on me, however we had a fall out last year and since then she’s realised that I do have boundaries.

Much to my surprise not only have we gotten our relationship back on track but she’s much more mindful of those boundaries and has made efforts to see/meet other people.

Perhaps you and your sister could take your mum on a long weekend somewhere like Warners rather than on your family holidays?

Just be thankful you have a decent mum who cares about you and actually wants to spend time with you. Having grown up with an “unavailable” mother, I’d love to be in your situation OP.

Totally agree.

How lucky you are to have had such a good relationship. I’m sure many of us would envy that. I grew up with a distant mother who was not able to express love or affection whilst we were kids, and who as time went on made a series of life choices prioritising men over her children (including giving away inheritance), and who is now penniless and helpless aged 74. As a single mother now having to work relentlessly to support my children it’s pretty stressful to be left to clear up her life choices or feel guilty for not doing enough.

There is a healthy inbetween to this. It doesn’t have to be smothering and guilt-laden vs unavailable. I can’t imagine thinking my children will want to spend their holidays with me regularly when they’re grown with their own families. Especially holidays where it’s just them and their partner - per the OP!

Op doesn’t enjoy spending her holidays with her mother, I find it odd you think she is lucky. People can be draining for different reasons.

Thing is, she has no conversation because she doesn't do anything. She just came for lunch and after about half an hour I'd run out of things to tell her. 90 awkward minutes later she finally decides to leave. It's hard work.

I help where I can. Know what you mean Handbags some weeks i have no news she the same. If peoples mothers are easy work they dont get the stress thats involved with them if they difficult

Sadly I see it all around me that as people get more elderly, they also get more selfish. My parents are in their 80s and in reasonable health but absolutely expect and demand a visit from each of us once a week . ( we all live scout 40 min to 1 hour away) they don't like to travel to any of us and don't socialise much so rely on all their very busy kids for that part od their lives. It's exhausting. House is typical older couples house so the grandkids don't want to visit as much as they are bored with nothing to do. My husbands mother is the same. She recently turned down additional weekend care for her I'll husband because as she told the public nurse her kids ( 2 hours away) would be doing it.
It so important in life to have your own friends and hobbies

I suspect that when your Dad passed away and you spent more time with your Mum, she probably got used to that. It could be that your Mum is also overwhelmed by doing things herself such as organising day trips, meeting with friends, internet etc and prefers having you do it all for her. However, it is not unreasonable for you to want to do things independently eg holiday/free time etc

I do think as some parents get older they can start to demand more from their adult children. Some may think their adult children owe them or it could be a cultural expectation or it could be that they only want family as company.

It is hard - but I don't think that anyone should feel guilt or obligation to spend all their free time with an elderly parent, especially if you don't enjoy it.

OP- I don't think it is up to you to find or organise a solution for her. It sounds as if you have tried to make some suggestions for her, which she has rejected or dismissed- and she is perfectly entitled to that. But just because she does not like or want to do that - you are perfectly entitled not to be her sole substitute.

Thanks @RoseJam. I'd quite happily organise a solo holiday for her. But she doesn't want me to.

If it’s any consolation I try to avoid long visits or anything reliant on conversation.
You are the conversation!
theatres, cinema,shows, garden centres, free art class, exercise if she can make it.
i think you have to make it work for you.
Do the housework as you chat and she has coffee, ironing. Watch a good film or TV together or any hobbby or chores. Stop dropping everything for her, if she wants to see you regularly she has to fit in with you.

Eh?

Previous post was in response to this - not sure what you mean.