Over-reliance on adult kids

[HandbagsnGladrags]

So, I've posted before about my mum and how much she relies on me and my sister for her social life/holidays, everything really. My sister has recently started to pull back a little and spend more time with her husband (quite rightly, I think) and mum is clearly feeling the fact that less time is being spent with her. To put it into context, both of us usually saw her every weekend. But sometimes weekends are being missed now.

It's come to a head recently as we both (accidentally) booked the same two weeks to be away in the summer and mum has commented on a number of occasions how we're all going to be away at the same time, with the air of someone who is being neglected. I think the implication is that we should have consulted each other and made sure we weren't away at the same time. These comments are starting to grate and I'm not sure how to address it with her.

The other thing is that I ended up going on a sunshine holiday with her last year as she had no one else to go with, and hadn't been abroad for a few years. We had a nice enough time but I found it quite difficult and it's not something I really want to repeat. She used to come on family holidays with us but the kids are all grown now and we are enjoying holidays just the two of us. I think she had the impression that this would become an annual thing. I've had to say to her that I can't afford it this year (which is the truth) but I still feel the expectation for future years.

I hope this doesn't sound heartless but I don't know how to get her out of this cycle of her reliance on her adult kids. She's in her 70's but fit and healthy. I've tried to suggest lots of things for her to do (clubs/singles Saga holidays, etc) and she makes the right noises and then does nothing. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP I think you have to raise it with her. Let her get defensive. She needs to be told. Sometimes you have to deal with a situation in a positive way. She will have time to process what you say. I know they say as we become older we become more childlike, but she is still an adult and although she may not like what you say she will understand why if you explain.

@5128gap it's not like I'm suggesting I retreat completely and leave her to it. Since dad died (a long time ago now) I have tried to encourage her to build a life for herself. She was still only in her 60's with plenty of life to live. But she has made no effort to do anything outside of the family at all.

Would a long weekend be doable ? Maybe a city break that you would enjoy . I had a aunt that was alone and expected to be included in every family occasion . So difficult to say no to. With a mother it must be even harder to say No to her. It has made me determined not to be like that with my kids .

See I’m different but it just depends how you feel but once they get passed 75, time starts to become precious and you slowly seem them start to decline become more fragile. Thats why I like to spend time with my mum, I don’t mind if she’s there on holiday or days out but it just depends how you feel and what type of a relationship you have.

I know. I'm not criticising you. I went through similar with my parents (only child too!)
Now I'm a very involved GP, and starting to imagine the other side a little. The family are very consuming at the moment, but In the future I fully expect my role to diminish and expect that may be difficult to accept. The key is definitely to keep your own life as the older person, and not invest everything in family, but I suppose that creeps up on you before you know it.
Unfortunately your mum has probably lost some of her confidence socially and become less inclined to move out of the comfort zone of her family, so I doubt you'll successfully fill the gap with new activities for her now.
All you can really do I suppose is give what you're happy to without resentment. Your mum made her choices.

How far away does she live?
This sounds very difficult for you and your sister. It's not fair for her to rely on you both as much as that.

She's about a half hour drive away.

I’d definitely encourage something like a Saga holiday, so she’s travelling with other people in the same situation. My mum’s done this and kept in touch with some of ladies she’s met. Or as she’s still young , she’s doesn’t have to do Saga but any holiday company with group tours. She can ask about their age range. I went to Central America last year and was the only one under 50. Even if you can get her to do a walking tour or something in this country, it might break down barriers in my head about what she can do by herself.

Also, what about an annual/every other year ‘family’ long weekend where you all rent a cottage together with all the family including kids. It might be a nice thing to do and it’s not all on one person to socialise with your mum.

@TiaraBoo do you know of other holiday companies who do group tours? Specifically for holidays abroad?

Be careful op as this gets set in stone. We dont bring ours away. She quite hard work. It has caused alot of tension. Sisters feel their breaks their own time. It takes good out it though when we say we away......

I do think it’s sad that some posters seem to measure how much time you should give your mother against the childcare she may or may not have provided. Unless your childhood was really dreadful, your mother presumably raised and provided for you. She’s obviously lonely, and as other more compassionate posters have said, it’s hard to start a new life when you’re older and have been very much involved with gc.

@angstridden2 I hear that you're saying but is it not about compromise? I can't be made to feel like I can't live my own life without feeling guilty about the things I do without my mum. I fully appreciate that she's lonely. But she's not done anything about that in over 10 years since she was in her early 60s and had lots of time to at least make an attempt to start afresh.

I think you need to work out what you are prepared to do.

Work with your sister to spread and share the load.

It is not unreasonable to lay out how often you can visit and stick to it.

Unfortunately if your mother refuses to expand her life beyond you and your sister, she will have to accept you have work, children, husbands, interests, friends, etc that she is just one part of.

You shouldn't have to give up the things you enjoy in your life because your mum wants you to fill a huge chunk of her life.

I think you will have to suck up the guilt and get on with your life and see her regularly, but within the confines of your busy life.

She has chosen her life, you get to choose yours too.

Could you take her away for a weekend with your sister once or twice a year for 2 nights?

It would be something the 3 of you could share but wouldn't involve your AL?

The weekend breaks aren't a bad idea. I'll have a think about it.

Just do what u can. You cant be their social life either. 60 is young.. and not all siblings want to do breaks either.

HandbagsnGladrags
yes you’re right, it is about compromise. I suspect I would have been in the same situation if my mother hadn’t predeceased my father. I suspect I’m a bit on the fence as I’m not young and know that if I’m left on my own I’ll find it hard to make a new life alone, even though I do have hobbies. I would hate to think my children felt like you and your sister, but tbh I would hope they’d make time for me.

Sorry but you're suggesting that I don't make time for her. I absolutely do. But I have my own very busy life as well and there has to be a balance, rather than the constant guilt and obligation.

If my kids feel this way when I'm older I'll feel like I've failed. I never want to be a burden to them.

I understand where you're coming from.

You shouldn't feel guilty about not always wanting to holiday with your parent/s. In fact it can be unhelpful as you've found - encouraging them to rely on you and not seek out wider friendships, hobby groups etc.

I think in your shoes I'd try to do a long weekend away once a year (perhaps your sister as well, or you could each do a separate weekend so your mum gets 2 holidays). We did that with FIL when he was left alone and he seemed to enjoy it.

I have this with my aunt, who's only got one son and myself. She's only 64 but she's got a few health issues. She's perfectly capable though of using Facebook, Messenger and WhatsApp, is familiar with apps and websites and has a smart TV and uses it for online exercise classes. But she expects everything to be done by my cousin, her son, who's married with a child and has a busy job and is studying for higher qualifications. He's not got the time to clear, landscape and maintain her very sizeable garden both front and back and said she'd need to employ a gardener. She said she'd pay my cousin but that's not the point. She won't look for quotes herself though she's capable of it and is playing the helpless dependent old lady.

Arent there any senior centers around where the lives? Senior acivities? Volunteer opportunities? Something to get her out of the house and socializing with people in her age group.

You need to stop being passive and just tell her that you two are adults and have your own lives to live. You will always be a PART of hers, but she needs to grow up and be independent of you both for her socialization. Give her the info of the senior services or whatever in your area so she can call them up and make time to go there.

My friend organised a holiday for her mother and mil (one widowed one with Dh who has gone off travelling) and is crossing her fingers!

That's a brilliant idea but would not work in my circumstances, unfortunately!

Would she fancy joining the Uni 3rd Age?

Just had to Google what that was. Not sure but I'll have a look - thanks.