Very upset and not able to get back to sleep

[mummoomin]

Things have been a bit tough recently. Unexpected (and for me unwanted third pregnancy) which Ive been kind of talked into keeping by dh, some freak tried to break into my house while I was alone with the kids and I had to fight him off, go o hosp with shock and bloodpressure going wonky after fighting him off, I have a scan at the hosp to check the baby and they tell me Im not the 5 or 6 weeks I thought, but 16 weeks along...

Yesterday I managed to get knocked over by some pratt on a pushbike and really hrut my leg. So I have am arm in a sling with a hurt shoudler from fighting to shut the door with break in guy and now great bruises on my legs...

...the to top it all...yesterday dh was a total and utter (can I say this word here? )PRICK....My pushchair had broken on the way to school (tyre blew out again) and I was struggling. He was home working and I asked him to come in teh car to pick me up, but noooo he was too busy, so I had to carry ds and teh pushchair (phil and teds huge thing) home, 30 mins walk...I get home and he tosses me the car keys and says I have to go to the supermarket as he ate all the food in the fridge which I had got for dinner...I go to the supermarket, come home, cook...FIL turns up, I feed everyone, and I sit on the floor to eat...and DH tells me GET YOUR DRINK OFF THE FLOOR, YOU WILL SPILL IT...Now forgive me, I thought I was 30 something, not 3!!!

I lost my temper, and stormed out.

I feel really bad for upsetting everyone by walking out. I took the dog for a walk. DC were safe with dh and FIL. I came back and DH ignored me all evening. THis morning he just threw a shirt at me, told me it had got cruimpled in the wardrobe and TOLD me to iron it. He has to be joking right...

I dont know if Im being stupid, or if he is just really stressed at work and being difficult.

I woke up and cant get back to sleep. Of course Im having the new baby, 16 weeks is too far along (imo) to abort anyway, and it would have spelt the end for me and dh if I had done it...But why oh why cant people just take care of me jsut a little bit. Im feeling old and tired and noone has any respect for me anymore.

Im sitting here in tears becase I just feel noone has much time for me in the family, or even thinks to be polite to me. Even dd sometimes is being a bit rude nowadays, though I pull her on it. Im a sahm, but that doesnt mean people can speak to me like Im crap. It really really hurts. I want to feel worthwhile, and right now I jsut feel like a dishwashing broodmare.

sorry...I really need to talk and I dont want to talk in rl to anyone, as I dont like people thinking Im weak...

i never feel like i can give good advice but I really think you need a hug.

I am really shocked that after going to the trouble of the shopping then cooking for one extra adult you got shouted at.

I can only think that at that point I would have said 'no, you shut the fuck up and go for a walk. BTW, take your dad with you.'

you should not feel guilty about making others feel bad after a day like this, the least you deserve is righteous indignation but you are denying even this to yourself.

my feeling and here is where i feel like i can be cruel which is why I hate giving advice, is that others treat you just as badly as you allow them to treat you. If you put up with little insults, refusals, inconsiderations, on a day to day basis, because it is easier to do so, or you don't want to upset others, and possibly becuase you were brought up/expected to not cause any trouble, you can end up with people treating you like a doormat. The more you allow people to get away with little things over time, by little gradations, they learn that they can try it on and get away with it.

I hope this helps. take care. best wishes for today.

How awful for you!
How long has your DH been treating you like this? Is it uncharacteristic?
You are not being stupid. None of your expectations are unreasonable - you just want a bit of respect and some sypmathy for your injuries.
You definitely need to get him this sorted before the new baby comes along.
I've seen people on threads recommending approaching the issues when you are both calm. I am sure if you bump this later today you will get some wise words.
In the meantime, just wanted to let you know someone had read your post.

if my DH had done that, i would describe him as a prick

if this is out of character, i would say he is reeling from the shock of everything, the pregnancy, the break in, you being hospitalised

sounds an absolute nightmare for you all, and you all need some down time together to 'debrief' , to talk, to re-establish things...

making you carry DS and the pushchair home when you are pregnant and have an injury to your arm is just totally unacceptable

make some time to talk, you are in this together.

hugs x

Oh sweetheart - my heart goes out to you.

Ive been married for almost 30 yrs and we have had (still do) times like this when you think 'what the hell is going on.'

You have had a traumatic few days - I do agree with the previous poster who said 'people treat you as you let them' I dont mean to pick on you - it is just something that I have learnt over the years.

My DH used to think he could comment on my weight (which is too heavy) all the time. About 2 yrs ago I just turned around and said (really calmly) 'when I met you, you had the most beautiful long curly hair and now you are bald - it dosnt make me love you any less'. Nowadays, nobody will comment about me and get away with it. I have grown to have a sarcastic acid tongue and there is nobody alive who will beat me

Will be thinking about you - head up and smile xx

Oh poor you it sounds as if you have had an awful lot on recently. Give yourself credit for all you have managed to do.

Lots of men just dont seem to understand the pressures of mum-life and i bet if you were to have a bit of a moan in rl you would get lots of support and stories to make you laugh.

I bet your h is feeling the pressure too but is unable to have a good old cry like you and is coping in his own way.

Try and do something for you and remember how much you are doing - i am sure he does know that but is just forgetting to let you know.

I promise you will look back on this and even if you dont laugh at least have a smile.

I have a 'suprise extra' fourth child and hated my whole pregnancy but now she is here it is wonderful and made our family complete (much much harder but lovely too ). Try to tell people how you feel there will be lots of help out there it does not mean in any way you are weak - in fact it shows real strengh to ask for help when you need it. I am sure you would return the favour if someone was in need.

wishing you a happier and less stressful day today.

He occasionally behaves like this. It happens about once or twice a year, generally when work is very very stressful and he is tired.

Its just that right now, I really need him to be helpful and nice, especially when if it wasnt for his views on abortion - and Im being honest here because I dont actually know anyone here in RL - I would have aborted.

I guess it just all got to me and I kept on saying its enough, its really enough like a broken record. I feel quite embarressed with myself..

It was the drink thing that really upset me, I had nowhere to sit and noone offered me a seat at the table - I dont expect the kids to eat on the floor, but he or fil could have sat on the floor or bothered to get a spare chair from the cupboard. Then to talk to me like I was a kid and say I might spill my drink that I had nowhere else to put. I know it sounds pathetic, but it really wound me up.

Earlier on that day I swore stubbing my toe on something in front of dc (bad bad I know), and dh suggested that I go into time out for swearing. I know he was partially joking but I am NOT a child.

I know without him things would be a lot worse, and I would miss him, and he is usualyl a sweetheart. I dont want to leave, its not broken marriage stuff, just Im hurt and feel a bit put out.

Thanks for the support, it is nice to know that people understand. Maybe I am being a bit of a doormat...

show him your first post. It sounds like he is not thinking of anyone but himself. Surely a wife 16 weeks pregnant, with a toddler and an arm in a sling is worth stopping work for 20 mins to go an get rather than making her try and walk.

And I think the shopping thing would have tipped me over the edge then and there - I would have told him to go and get it - if he was selfish enough to eat the food allocated for tea.

No I swear he thinks I sit at home all day and enjoy myself. Occasionally when he has the kids by himself and Ive gone out, or when I had to go into hosp a few times, he has said oh your job is really hard.

We have been married 10 years now, Ive got used to the compromise and not every bad patch to me spells doom and gloom. But it is a bad patch. He is very happy about the new baby. He wanted a big family, he admitted to me, and is over the moon. My reluctance has made him a bit upset with me.

Im terrified about the birth, but at least am private this time, which hopefully will mean a slightly better experience. Ive told him Im hiring a doula this time, and thinking about a homebirth. It all has me a bit knocked for six really and Im feeling so awfully old and tired.

I need a haircut, new clothes (sigh, was so looking forwards to new nice non maternity clothes)...some make up and to feel a bit less awful. I havent taken to my bed, maybe I shoudl stop doing stuff and say sorry, not well.

I'd have probably thrown the drink over him. How could he and your fil let you sit on the floor while they eat?
Have you tried saying directly to him your "I really need him to be helpful and nice"?
Don't feel embarrassed - I hope today is better.

moomin, do you think he is "punishing" you for getting pregnant? (subconsciously). Sounds like he is trying to make you suffer, I can't honestly think how he could behave like that otherwise. To make you walk home with a broken pushchair, then go shopping because he had eaten all the food ... it screams selfishness on his part but more than simply thoughtless negligence of your feelings - add to that the "telling you off" stuff and it looks more like some kind of hate campaign!

I think you need to sit down with him and ask what is going on in his head. Although he was against abortion, it doesn't necessarily mean he is overjoyed at having another child. If he feels powerless to change this situation then maybe he is hitting back at you as a way of expressing his frustration. Or maybe he is just simply being a nob

Either way, as you say that this is fairly unusual behaviour for him, I would guess something specific is causing it, and you need to get it out in the open so that he can change his attitude. I bet deep down he knows he is being totally unreasonable.

I kept it for the shopping demand `it was like adding insult to injury, and I had hungry dd, vey active ds, preg, threw sling in the bin and just carried the lot (not dd) home..iut was the drink thing...silly, eh..

I suggested he got the shopping, but just just sat there looking narked at me and pointing at the computer screen.

I didnt mind FIL coming for dinner. But to have to sit on the floor and being shouted at for putting my drink on the carpet..really...

Arg...sorry..venting..

oh, cross posts moomin - ignore my middle para

x-post. Yes to stopping doing stuff, you need to look after yourself all round (inside and out iyswim) If he's so thrilled about the pg, why isn't he being more considerate?

one consolation - if you are 16 weeks and not 6 like you thought - you have got through the early knackered and sick stages without any real hassle - now you should be heading for the blooming stage.

And having 3 is really not that bad - you get used it quite quickly.

Still - he needs to grow up and start treating you with more respect (even if he is having a bad day).

it crossed my mind that he is punishing me for even thinking seriously about an abortion. He was very very very upset to the point of showing me very unpleasant photos on prolife websites and making me cry a few days ago..

he thinks of the unborn baby like it is one of our chldren already...

I am going to talk to him, when Im calmer, if I talk to him today Im going to explode.

He left very very early this morning - 6ish, and apart from shouting at me, didnt say anyhting, not even goodbye.

we will sort it out, it will just take time and interflora. Im just feeling very shakey and upset and that noone in the fmaily thinks very much of me at all. I do so much for everyone, and barely a thank you. FIL is sweet, I really dont mind cooking and cleaning for him since MIL divorced him. Still. I need a bit of tlc..

You may well be right about the punishing and you do need to get it out.
You sound so Any chance of pampering yourself a wee bit today? Anything that gives you a boost?

Ah...silly man thinks pregnancy is not an illness and appears to have no concept how tiring it is. He seems to have bought into the whole natural birth thingy and quite sweetly thinks it is all lovely. I try to remind him that he hasnt actually been through it.

When I said that I was thinking of a elective section he told me isnt that the easy way out...I mean...

I just thought I had food poisioning. I was on the pill, so didnt even knowI was pregnant untiil about a week ago! Ive felt awful, but put it down to a dodgy tummy...how silly, eh

Thanky ou, everyone, it is so kind of you to talk with me. You are all really helping HUGS

Im not sure about 3, but its happeneing and Im sure Ill love the new one when it arrives. Kind of hoping for another girl...

I might join the fly thread today, I said sod it to the washing up etc last night and it is all sitting there, haunting me.

Ill try and make it to the shops later and get myself some new face cream, my skin has gone bad, all spotty and irritated... But yes, pampering sounds good...

Ive always wanted to go on one of those mother to be spa days...I wonder if they are any good...might ask here if anyone has tried it..

Actually. Thanks ladies, Ive decided to take to my bed with the laptop, a bottle of mineral water, some ice on my bruises, and a big box of chocs. Ill ask fil to help with ds, and pick up dd later, and call dh and tell him Ive had to go to bed. He wont be impressed, but it is an excellent idea... I never go to bed in the day.

Oh dear...we have created a monster!!!! I do believe I feel a backbone growing...

aw moomin

You def. need to have The Talk. It sounds like he is using the abortion issue to punish you at a time when you need his support. He has to put that behind him and recognise that treating you like this isn't going to make the past change, but that is could make the future change for the worse! I hope you can get him to see sense and treat you with a little more respect. And I agree with finknottle, put your foot down, refuse to do more than you can comfortably do, and insist that even if he disagrees with you he can at least show some consideration for what your body is going through!!

Here's power to your backbone

Make sure it's a bloody good one. I can't believe that, after being injured fighting off an intruder in your own home, being knocked down by a bike and discovering you are 16 weeks pregnant, the two adults in your home made you sit on the floor to eat the meal which you had had to go to the supermarket to buy, cook and serve. It's un-bloody-believable.

Do go to bed. Tell dh that the doctor said that your physical injuries might have put the baby at risk and that you need bed rest and a lot of TLC. If your dh won't consider you as a dh should, then perhaps he'll consider his precious baby.

What a shit.

Thank you very much ladies, it is really kind of you to put up with me moaning like this! Ill try and cultivate the backbone...

Ill have a talk with him when Im calmer, right now I would only get upset and its not worth making it worse. We are both stubborn and it wouldnt achieve anything. He knows that psychologically Im anything for an easy life and he loves to win.

Its not end of the world, just hate feeling so unappreciated when really life is so much tougher than when I held down a very good job. Now Im donig so much to raise my family Ive just realised though all this was extreme, I very rarely get a thank you.

Really, thank you. Im not the happiest bunny, and though Im sure we will adore the new addition to the fmaily, just now its a lot to cope with. Dd is over the moon, is desperate for another brother. ds just said IM the baby and looked confused.

Mummoomin, you need a break and if your family aren't going to give it to you, you need to just take it. Could you go away for a couple of days to visit an old friend?
You need to recharge.

Thank you all for the righteous indignation, glad Im not being totally unreasonable getting annoyed.

You are the best lot of females ever. I actually am starting to laugh at it...