Very upset and not able to get back to sleep

[mummoomin]

Things have been a bit tough recently. Unexpected (and for me unwanted third pregnancy) which Ive been kind of talked into keeping by dh, some freak tried to break into my house while I was alone with the kids and I had to fight him off, go o hosp with shock and bloodpressure going wonky after fighting him off, I have a scan at the hosp to check the baby and they tell me Im not the 5 or 6 weeks I thought, but 16 weeks along...

Yesterday I managed to get knocked over by some pratt on a pushbike and really hrut my leg. So I have am arm in a sling with a hurt shoudler from fighting to shut the door with break in guy and now great bruises on my legs...

...the to top it all...yesterday dh was a total and utter (can I say this word here? )PRICK....My pushchair had broken on the way to school (tyre blew out again) and I was struggling. He was home working and I asked him to come in teh car to pick me up, but noooo he was too busy, so I had to carry ds and teh pushchair (phil and teds huge thing) home, 30 mins walk...I get home and he tosses me the car keys and says I have to go to the supermarket as he ate all the food in the fridge which I had got for dinner...I go to the supermarket, come home, cook...FIL turns up, I feed everyone, and I sit on the floor to eat...and DH tells me GET YOUR DRINK OFF THE FLOOR, YOU WILL SPILL IT...Now forgive me, I thought I was 30 something, not 3!!!

I lost my temper, and stormed out.

I feel really bad for upsetting everyone by walking out. I took the dog for a walk. DC were safe with dh and FIL. I came back and DH ignored me all evening. THis morning he just threw a shirt at me, told me it had got cruimpled in the wardrobe and TOLD me to iron it. He has to be joking right...

I dont know if Im being stupid, or if he is just really stressed at work and being difficult.

I woke up and cant get back to sleep. Of course Im having the new baby, 16 weeks is too far along (imo) to abort anyway, and it would have spelt the end for me and dh if I had done it...But why oh why cant people just take care of me jsut a little bit. Im feeling old and tired and noone has any respect for me anymore.

Im sitting here in tears becase I just feel noone has much time for me in the family, or even thinks to be polite to me. Even dd sometimes is being a bit rude nowadays, though I pull her on it. Im a sahm, but that doesnt mean people can speak to me like Im crap. It really really hurts. I want to feel worthwhile, and right now I jsut feel like a dishwashing broodmare.

sorry...I really need to talk and I dont want to talk in rl to anyone, as I dont like people thinking Im weak...

www.spabreak.co.uk
Call it your mothers day gift

Oh dear. Your dh can be rather, um, unreconstructed, can't he?

I'd find the regular, if rare, outings of his inner misogynist rather worrying, tbh. But that's a big issue, something you can probably do without tackling now.

Do not stand for this disrespect. Letting/making you sit on the floor and that your 'sweet' FIL allowed this too is a bit . You cook and clean for him?

If your dh won't put you first you will have to. Nurture that backbone

If you cannot get away for the whole day l can recommend a 'mother to be' treatment, l chose to have 3 of these whilst pregnant rather than a one day thingy. My local beauticians does one for around £45 and its lasts 1.30 hours, cheaper than a spa day and l could afford to have a pedicure at the same time or my hair done. l am a SAHM too and its hard to justify the money and the time, but you definitely deserve it. Enjoy your bed day

Good luck today. I agree that your 'sweet' FIL should have insisted dh give you his chair. If he is unreconstructed and expects you to cook and clean, surely you can expect some old fashioned chivalry too.

Yes, I basically take care of FIL. he lives just down the road from us. Very sad, MIL divorced him (left for another man) very late in life (he was 63 when it happened). He was not able to cook or clean for himself, and when we went to visit him for the first time after she left it was very sad, a right old mess, and so was he. So I took him on. He is sweet, just a bit old and hopeless. I dont think his knees would have coped with the floor. Dh should have got up. it wasnt sitting on the floor that I minded, it was the comment about getting my drink off the floor because I might spill it. ...Im not a child..and hey I would have cleaned it up anyway, not him...

Dh is very unreconstructed, but that is fine. He generally is very very sweet and I love him very much. I suspect the inner mysogynist might need tackling at times, but I guess it is not the time to do it now...

Im going to see if I can take a spa treatment or two, I gave away all my maternity clothes as was not going to have another baby, so I need those too...Ill get myself a few tents to hide in, and some nice make up and maybe get my hair done.

The place and famil would fall apart without me. I was thinking of taking FIL away for a trip with the kids. He is sweet, but not the brightest button in the box nowadays, he really isnt a problem and is a pleasure to take care of, as are the children...

I suspect there is more to life than being treated disrespectfully by the people you love....

Im torn beween going on strike and calling a family meeting and telling them I dont mind doing everything, but I do mind people treating me badly.

I honestly wanted to scream at dh last night. Not worth it....I know...

Actually you should mind doing everything - especially after your injuries and the fact that you are pregnant. Your dh is being a prick. You are having a baby that he wanted and you didn't and he is still treating you like this???

The way you let your dh speak to you and you still do everything, I can see that, if you left him later, he'd be the same as your FIL. Perhaps your MIL left because she was fed up being treated as a scivvy when there were two of them using the house. And as for your FIL not being the brightest button, he's certainly got it made playing that card, hasn't he - with you looking after him, cooking, cleaning, etc.

Maybe it is. Sounds like he needs a wake up call. Stop being so apologetic! Work out what you want to say and try & keep calm.
His behaviour is appalling and it can't go on. I think you know that.

mummoomin, poor you,

I think you need to sit you DH down and tell him as he is so content on you having a child you don't really want and putting more stress on you and your time he need to pull his finger out BIG TIME.

Fil is HIS father and HE can look after him from now on as you have more children to cope with.

Also point out that if he leaves you to carry a child and a pushchair the chances he wont get his 3rd offspring are likely to be high.

As for the drink thing, they are all too ignorant to give a pregnant woman a seat then tip the fecking drink over your husband.

dearie me mummoomin you are having a horrible time. well done for fighting off the intruder, it must have been awful. agree with everyone else re dh.

i think you need a larger table and more chairs, there will soon be someone else to fit in as well!

and don't get out of bed till somebody does something nice for you.

Well I couldnt put up with this kind of stuff. It's not that any single thing in itself is major, more that it's frequent low level put downs and humiliations which imo are just as damaging as the big stuff.
Are you fundamentally happy with DH? I'm asking because from your posts I get the impression that you are happy with the lifestyle you have, but you never say much about whether DH is really the love of your life? (Don't take that the wrong way, i'm just saying how it comes across). A good test of how you really feel about him is to try to imagine a very different kind of life with him - eg what if you didnt have much money and you were both having to work? WOuld he still be the man for you? Is it his personality/character/soul that you love, or is it that you have established a comfortable life together, you have kids and that's the glue that's holding you together? Nothing wrong with that if you know it and accept it, but it just strikes me that there seems to be a lot of things about your dh that are making you unhappy.

If you act like a doormat, you'll get treated like one...for me, this would be broken marriage stuff- it seems trivial but it's not. Basic respect is something that stress, trouble at work, anger at whatever issue is going on in the relationship (ie the pregnancy), should NEVER be lost. Even if you weren't pregnant, his behaviour is unacceptable. If he can't see that, he's not worth bothering with.
The examples you give border on emotional abuse in my opinion.

If you put yourself in the DH's shoes........

He is working hard to support his family and things are tough and stressful atm.

His wife has just found out she is 4months pregnant. Not planned. Another stress.

She would have had an abortion if she had had her way and this is something DH cannot comprehend. Stress.

His wife is attacked by an intruder and she ends up in hospital. Another stress.

His wife gets pushed over and now has an arm in a sling. More stress.

Some people are incapable of giving empathy or sympathy in situations like this. He knows his family would fall apart with his DW but I think it sounds like he is very stressed with work.

My DH is a chef and has a huge team of people who work for him and he tells them off when they dont do things properly and then comes home and says the same to me!! LOL. This is not marriage breaking stuff.

This is the stress of life, supporting a family and being stressed that his wife was attacked. The drink comment was stupid but I have said the same to DH. You walk in a room with a drink on the floor and make the comment. Instinct.

IIWY I would phone FIL to see if he could babysit and take DH out for a pizza and tell him that you know how stressed he is at work but this is how you feel.

You also need to get your head round this baby as you will be having it in a few months and you need to reassure DH that you will love it as much as the others.

Oooh Number Six........no one has ever said, 'collision, good post!!'

Thank you!!

Mumoomin - I remember your other thread and am for you. I would have expected after all you have been through that you would be getting the pampered princess treatment now, not this. My dh would have worn that drink if he had ever behaved like that (and he knows it!)

You can't let your children see him behaving like this - they will end up doing it too, you know.

What about having a word with your midwife or doctor about ordering you some bedrest or something for a few days, in light of what you have been through. He needs a wake-up call I'm afraid.

Poor you and poor DH! You've both had a tough, shitty time of it lately. I'm not excusing him - he acted like a prick!

Re: the family meeting. Talk to your DH first, settle things between the two of you and then present a united front to the children. It'll settle everyone.

Keep going honey, you're doing great!

Its a good point about whether he is the love of my life or not. Ummm....I do love him, just not right now.

We had a trial separation a couple of years back. I did miss him, and when he came over crying, and saying he missed me very much, I knew that I didnt want him to feel bad.

Its not fireworks and roses all the time (though we have our moments), but it is a kind of quiet companionship, and I care about him very much indeed. Without him the family, life is so much poorer. He is a bit of a caveman, but heart is usually in the right place. I cant do this without him. I need him, not the money (I can earn my own, I just am happy to be in a relationship where I can be a sahm, it means a lot to me, my mum worked and I felt I missed out, but that is just me..)

um....brain gone, just look back there was something someone said which I forgot...

i think you do need to make some sort of planto go back to work after the baby is born sweetheart, or the respect may never materialise. SAHM is only worth it if both partners see it as deserving of respect. If you feel he doesn't value you because you don't earn, make sure you do earn.

erm mummoomin.....what about 'good post collision?'.....??

I am going to ask the doctor if she cant order some bedrest. Im not badly hurt, more sprains and bruises, but I feel very shaky and tired. The bruises from the pushbike are the worst the shoulder sprain is just low level discomfort.

I couldnt refuse to go to the shops, he really was not in the mood for going himself. I know my bad points (Im not always a nice moomin) and I know his. SOmetimes his tolerance level is 0. I sometimes wonder if he has aspergers, just not good at relating, needs to read something to understand it, he cant seem to just empathise very well.

I know I am a doormat, but I really am not such an awful one. I used to be a lot more and sarcastic, but I stopped when I realised it just made things worse.

Collision, actually thank you, I am very upset over this and you put it into perspective...I feel very upset and angry, but perhaps its not the best way forwards even if it is justified.

Fil is quite elderly now, and it isnt an act, he really has got a bit slow in recent years, and Ive just taken a bit more on. It really is my pleasure to do this, he is a decent old thing. I dont mind helping, a bit more washing to do, putting more in the oven for dinner, giving the house a dust down etc, doesnt take much longer and someone has to take care of him. Dh is too busy and has no idea himself how to wield a vacum cleaner.

I dont mind doing things, its the disrespect from dh that i minded, and the total lack of care. I usually the one who cares about everyone, well, now I need them to care for me a bit, and all dh is doing is making it harder.

Im torn between slamming the door (and regretting it, I know I would, I would miss him and our nice family life all together, and the companionship and support of dh as he usually is not in one of his bad mood brain blips, swap it for struggling as a single mum with three kids), and just swallowing my pride, saying calmly that I dont expect ever to be spoken to like that again and leaving it, even though Im seething.

Btw, I hate my phil and teds, very shoddy, only had it a year and its on the way out. I would never buy another one....

I am not happy right now, but I dont think I can blow it all up, nor should i. With, on balance is better than without I guess.

Ill just have to try and solve this mess.

..and yes, really have to get my head round having number three. Im trying, but really I dont want it. I will love it and treat it the same as my other two, but I resent being pregnant again

babe, I meant to say it honey, but REALLY good post collision, honey, really appreciated, didnt I say it! sorry angel xx

It was him who said NOT to go back after I had dd. We discussed it, could well afford for me to stay home, and so I did.

I really couldnt leave this new baby at childcare and go back to work I would feel guilty, especially as it wouldnt be because we needed the money.

I know he is being awful and I feel totally put out. I didnt want this baby, now feel terrible and tired and did I mention totally past it and old, have to go through pregnancy, likely get my ladybits mutiliated again, then look after a newborn with the other dc needing me too...get attacked by creep trying to break into my house, knocked over by pratt on a bike - a grown up riding on the damn pavement on some mountain bikey thingy- have bad day, and still dh cant cuddle me and take care of me. Selfish git. But I know he can be and I have to put up with it.

He tolerates me, I swear noone else would, and I am far far too old, with far too many kids, to ever start again, if I am honest.

Mummoomin, I really don't like the way your posts are beginning to sound. You seem to make a lot of excuses for dh, put up with a lot, at least patly through fear of the unknown. You sound resigned... deflated.

I think you will need a serious talk with dh.

Have to say I agree with berolina. Some of your comments are worrying mummoonim. What do you mean - he said not to go back to work? You are an individual in your own right! Going out to work is about far more than just earning money - it's about self esteem, feeling you are contributing to society, building up your own life outside the marriage .... all things which it sounds as though you could do with tbh.
From your posts it sounds like your relationship is one where DH is the head of the household, he holds the purse strings, makes the decisions and wants to have the 'perfect family' around him to shore him up and provide evidence that he is a 'succesful' husband and father. You are the little wifey, there to bring up the kids, look after FIL and tend the home. Sorry it this sounds patronising, but I know other people in this kind of marriage, and I think you need to decide whether this is enough for you, and that you'll put up with being belittled and feeling sidelined because the benefits outweight the disadvantages, or whether you want a relationship of equals.