Very upset and not able to get back to sleep

[mummoomin]

Things have been a bit tough recently. Unexpected (and for me unwanted third pregnancy) which Ive been kind of talked into keeping by dh, some freak tried to break into my house while I was alone with the kids and I had to fight him off, go o hosp with shock and bloodpressure going wonky after fighting him off, I have a scan at the hosp to check the baby and they tell me Im not the 5 or 6 weeks I thought, but 16 weeks along...

Yesterday I managed to get knocked over by some pratt on a pushbike and really hrut my leg. So I have am arm in a sling with a hurt shoudler from fighting to shut the door with break in guy and now great bruises on my legs...

...the to top it all...yesterday dh was a total and utter (can I say this word here? )PRICK....My pushchair had broken on the way to school (tyre blew out again) and I was struggling. He was home working and I asked him to come in teh car to pick me up, but noooo he was too busy, so I had to carry ds and teh pushchair (phil and teds huge thing) home, 30 mins walk...I get home and he tosses me the car keys and says I have to go to the supermarket as he ate all the food in the fridge which I had got for dinner...I go to the supermarket, come home, cook...FIL turns up, I feed everyone, and I sit on the floor to eat...and DH tells me GET YOUR DRINK OFF THE FLOOR, YOU WILL SPILL IT...Now forgive me, I thought I was 30 something, not 3!!!

I lost my temper, and stormed out.

I feel really bad for upsetting everyone by walking out. I took the dog for a walk. DC were safe with dh and FIL. I came back and DH ignored me all evening. THis morning he just threw a shirt at me, told me it had got cruimpled in the wardrobe and TOLD me to iron it. He has to be joking right...

I dont know if Im being stupid, or if he is just really stressed at work and being difficult.

I woke up and cant get back to sleep. Of course Im having the new baby, 16 weeks is too far along (imo) to abort anyway, and it would have spelt the end for me and dh if I had done it...But why oh why cant people just take care of me jsut a little bit. Im feeling old and tired and noone has any respect for me anymore.

Im sitting here in tears becase I just feel noone has much time for me in the family, or even thinks to be polite to me. Even dd sometimes is being a bit rude nowadays, though I pull her on it. Im a sahm, but that doesnt mean people can speak to me like Im crap. It really really hurts. I want to feel worthwhile, and right now I jsut feel like a dishwashing broodmare.

sorry...I really need to talk and I dont want to talk in rl to anyone, as I dont like people thinking Im weak...

Yes alfiesbabe, that probably sums me up to a tee.

But I have to agree with him, I choose to have children, I should bring them up and take care of them. They are my little treasures, and my life revolves around them.

I am a bit worthless and useless I guess. Doesnt take much brain to care for people.

I thought what I was doing was worthwhile.

Sorry ladies, I didnt mean to take up so much of peoples time, Ill be alright. I just need to chat with dh and it will all calm down, Im sure.

Thank you so much for your support, you guys are absolutely the BEST.

You see - you're continuing to put yourself down, so you can hardly blame others for putting you down too. And your DCs will pick up on the fact that you put yourself down and that their dad does too, and they'll start to treat others like that - it's called learned behaviour. You care about your DCs, so you owe it to them to be a good role model.
I think before you talk to your DH, you need to give yourself a stern talking to. Caring for people is really important, and to do it well requires a lot of personal qualities. Ok, it may not require huge amounts of brain power, but it does require patience, tolerance, humour etc.
You say your children are your 'little treasures' and your life revolves around them. Not fair. No child deserved to have a parent whose life revolves around them. Way too much pressure to put on a child. Love them, care for them, support them 100%, but don't give your life over to them. It wont do them any favours.Remember, one day your kids will grow up and leave home - where will that leave you and your relationship with your husband?It's your life, and you need to start living it.

Also, you have a dd. Do you really want her to grow up thinking that this is all she can expect? That she will have to subjugate herself to her partner in order to "know her place"? If she came to you and described how her partner was treating her as you have described, what would you say to her? Stick with it because it's better than the alternative - an alternative you are only guessing at anyway?

How about showing your dh this thread where he can see that the overwhelming consensus is that he is behaving like a prick and that you deserve so much more.

Hi mummoomin. Have spead-read this thread cos LO is squirming (39 weeks pg today).

Please, please, please go to your GP and get referred for some kind of counselling/ assertiveness counselling.

I'm going to be frank: DH is treating you like a slave, not a wife or even a human being. As you put in your first post, he is working at home, you ask him for help, he refuses and then demands you go shopping. AS another poster says, what kind of example is this for your children.

You are upset and he can't even hug you?! This isn't a marriage or partnership of equals. He is walking all over you. This behaviour is not acceptable. Please don't ever think it is.

Please forgive me for being frank. I only want to help you and sometimes, plain speaking is needed. Thank you for letting us help you.

You are not "worthless and useless". Being a mother and domestic manager (i have the term "housewife") is a fulltime job, which enables DH to do his fulltime job outside the home.

Your husband is taking advantage of your feelings of being small to manipulate you.

Sorry "hate the term housewife"!

Alfiesbabe, I just wanted to say only last night dd asked me how she could help a child in another class who cried a lot and didnt have many friends, saying that she already played with her whenever she saw her and maybe we could invite her home.

She must be learning something right from me, as it seemed like very kind thoughtful behaviour for a 6 year old.

Im a good mum, and a decent person, I dont always feel so useless, just very shaken up at the moment.

sorry ladies, I did ask, but Im feeling a bit attacked and just cant take that right now

Mummoomin,I would tell Dh that I had been ORDERED to bedrest after visiting the doctor. Tell him the dr was horrified by your recent experiences and had very sternly told you you were in danger of losing the baby if you did not have more help/rest. Really lay it in thick that carrying a heavy pushchair/toddler had been a stupid thing to do at this stage; I would add for good measure that the dr had been amazed that your husband could not help you.
You don't need to be confrontational about this,in fact I would be a bit weepy and upset,perhaps stir any well buried guilt dfeelings that he has!
And I wouldn't be a bit concerned about stretching the truth. You deserve it.
When I am cross at DH about anything now I usually find a way of telling him calmly but clearly my point of view.He usually comes around to my way of thinking in the end!(oh, I tend to utilise his credit card as way of extra punishment as well!)

mummoonin - i don't think anyone has said you're not a good mum, or a decent person, and I'm sure no one is out to attack you - I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself. But what is coming through from your posts loud and clear is that you are not happy with the way your DH treats you. Your self esteem is low, and he seems to delight in knocking you even more.
I suppose my view is, all relationships involve some compromise, no one is ever 100% satisfied, but you need to weigh up what you're putting into this relationship and what you're getting out of it.
Clearly you have very traditional roles within your marriage, and that's fine if it works for you, but if it means that your confidence and self worth are being constantly knocked, then don't imagine it won't have an effect on your children.

Your daughter is very considerate. What a lovely little girl.

No-one on mumsnet is attacking you.

I feel that your self-confidence is so low that anything anyone says may be construed as negative.

As i said before, please go to your GP for counselling. Show him/her this thread.

Your daughter is very considerate. What a lovely little girl.

No-one on mumsnet is attacking you.

I feel that your self-confidence is so low that anything anyone says may be construed as negative.

As i said before, please go to your GP for counselling. Show him/her this thread.

You definately need more support- perhaps some counselling, especially after the break in etc (that alone is traumatic enough). You don't seem in the right frame of mind to tackle the issues with your husband...you need some building up first so you can see it more clearly.

Some relationships work well with the traditional roles, man makes decisions, woman in the carer role etc but that's not the issue here- he's being extremely unthoughtful, disrespectful and disregarding your feelings and physical well-being. That suggest some underlying issues in him for being capable of that and feeling that's acceptable and in you for accepting it (even though you're pissed off, you have gone along with it). You need to both take responsibility for your parts in it (ie don't take responsibility for his behaviour or make excuses but see that your acceptance of it gives a signal that this is OK) and understand that you can't change his behaviour, only the way you respond to it. You need to find the confidence to do that and that takes some time... arm in sling, victim of break in and newly pregnant isn't exactly confidence building stuff so allow yourself time to chill and recover but make some moves towards building self-esteem.

PS I am a SAHM and it's really hard to keep your morale up when your reward isn't measured in the same way as a paying position- no promotions, bonuses and most of your work is invisible. I wouldn't have it any differently though I am self-employed and do the occasional bit of work here and there, so that reminds me that I am a human being in my own right.

Mummoomin "it doesn't take much brain to care for people"
Doesn't mean it isn't extremely challenging.
Just in a different way from nuclear physics!

HI mummoomin. you've had a lot of advice and I don't have any but you sound like you need taking care of and I hope your dh realises it soon and acts on it, however much stress he may be under. I like silentterror's suggestion that you've been ordered to have two days bedrest by the doctor! Mothers and SAHMs can put up with a hell of a lot so long as we get something, something back, and a realisation that it's respected and appreciated. Somebody said "pampered princess" and that's what you should be just for a bit before real life bites again.

I don't think anyone is attacking you, just trying to get through your seemingly well-entrenched view that you are worthless doing a job which requires very little brain.

Wasn't it reported just the other day that housewives should be paid a minimum of £30,00 p.a. for the jobs they do?? How does that compare with what your dh earns?

Have you told your gp about the intruder attack? Have you thought about contacting Victim Support? I should imagine that your internal reserves are extremely low at the moment and could do with shoring up.

I think you know yourself that your dh's view of you and his treatment of you are not acceptable and, if you are feeling low (unsurprisingly after all that's happened), you are less likely to fight back to get him to see this.

Do get as much help as you can from your gp.

echo dittany "you're number one" right now
knobs on it

Um, why are you defending his mistreatment of you? You're doing it again, and again, and again in your posts about him.

No, you are not a broodmare. broodmares get to rest while brooding. You are being treated like a servant. Stop allowing it!

So what if he didn't 'feel' like going to the shop - why are his feelings more important than yours? When you back down over things like this, you are reassuring him that yes, you are indeed deserving of this shitty treatment - you must be, or why would you tolerate it - and therefore, he is right to dole it out.

Stop tolerating it.

Practice these words, loudly and firmly.

"Don't you dare speak to me like that, I am your wife, not your housekeeper!"

I appreciate the supportive words. He really isnt that bad. His behaviour over that few days was awful, however.

We have had a long chat, and he is very upset about me wanting to abort the suprise. Work is also getting him down a lot, his boss has had some kind of breakdown, and dh has had to do a lot more than his fair share. I pointed out he should deal with the issues at work, not take it out on me, and he has apologised.

I will keep taking care of grandpa, at least for now, and might draft in some help when I get too big/have a newborn, or else move him in. He really needs the support.

The intruder experience was pretty horrible, I am just glad I managed to get him out of my front porch and away from dc.

I guess I havent been very nice either, it has hurt dh a lot that I didnt want this baby.

He is generally a nice guy, and it does work for us with my being a sahm. I believe in what Im doing, just feeling a bit low thats all.

We will see how the weekend goes, but it appears to be a lot quieter. Better for my not having an all out argument with him, really. Tears worked far far better...

Again, thanks everyone, its been am awful week and mumsnet has really helped me get through it.

Chin up
glad you are working it out in your own way
can you indulge yourself today, i hope so

Do remember, that although he has a right to be horrified at the thought of abortion, that you have the right to consider abortion. He does not get to treat you like shit because your opinion differs from his.

I hope it works out now!

And further, knowing that you didn't want this baby (which will have a far greater impact on your life and on your body than it will on his), he should be treating you like the most precious thing on earth as you've decided not to terminate.

Again thanks everyone, dh is on a warning from me. Any more thoughtless behaviour and there will be repercussions. I said to him, right now, it is a priviledge not a right to share my bed. If I am nto treated wih a bit of respect, then I will simply go on strike as far as him and fil are concerned.

I thought perhaps a bit ott, but I wanted him to know exactly how much it upset me.

He isnt nasty, but sometimes lacking in emotional intelligence and people skills.

Thanks again everyone. sorry Im a bit defensive, I really do appreciate everyone saying I did well to fight off the intruder. The police were smiling when they realised I had managed to kick him hard enough for him to stagger out of my front door. ...and I am such a peaceful sort really.

I guess I need to do something to get my self esteem back up and running again.

I read a lot before, but only recently started posting...you lot are stars...

I don't think you need to start sorting out/leaving your husband and getting a job etc. Right now, that all sounds like extra stress. You just need a break. Once you've recharged you'll be much more able to deal with DH assertively. It's so hard if you're run down though. Well done with the intruder, must have been terrifying.
I was thinking about you yesterday and finding yourself pregnant when you didn't want to be. I think I would feel the same if a 3rd came along. The light at the end of the tunnel (nice clothes etc) has just moved a bit further away. So you're justified in feeling down about it. Just make sure the feeling down doesn't get out of hand IYKWIM.
Look after yourself. Like you said, you're family would crumble without you. I think that makes you the boss.

I like Colditz's approach, here. I find being a fabulously nice person just gives them an excuse to walk all over you. Been there done that, and so have plenty of my friends. It's the strong women that don't get their faces wiped in the mud.