Very upset and not able to get back to sleep

[mummoomin]

Things have been a bit tough recently. Unexpected (and for me unwanted third pregnancy) which Ive been kind of talked into keeping by dh, some freak tried to break into my house while I was alone with the kids and I had to fight him off, go o hosp with shock and bloodpressure going wonky after fighting him off, I have a scan at the hosp to check the baby and they tell me Im not the 5 or 6 weeks I thought, but 16 weeks along...

Yesterday I managed to get knocked over by some pratt on a pushbike and really hrut my leg. So I have am arm in a sling with a hurt shoudler from fighting to shut the door with break in guy and now great bruises on my legs...

...the to top it all...yesterday dh was a total and utter (can I say this word here? )PRICK....My pushchair had broken on the way to school (tyre blew out again) and I was struggling. He was home working and I asked him to come in teh car to pick me up, but noooo he was too busy, so I had to carry ds and teh pushchair (phil and teds huge thing) home, 30 mins walk...I get home and he tosses me the car keys and says I have to go to the supermarket as he ate all the food in the fridge which I had got for dinner...I go to the supermarket, come home, cook...FIL turns up, I feed everyone, and I sit on the floor to eat...and DH tells me GET YOUR DRINK OFF THE FLOOR, YOU WILL SPILL IT...Now forgive me, I thought I was 30 something, not 3!!!

I lost my temper, and stormed out.

I feel really bad for upsetting everyone by walking out. I took the dog for a walk. DC were safe with dh and FIL. I came back and DH ignored me all evening. THis morning he just threw a shirt at me, told me it had got cruimpled in the wardrobe and TOLD me to iron it. He has to be joking right...

I dont know if Im being stupid, or if he is just really stressed at work and being difficult.

I woke up and cant get back to sleep. Of course Im having the new baby, 16 weeks is too far along (imo) to abort anyway, and it would have spelt the end for me and dh if I had done it...But why oh why cant people just take care of me jsut a little bit. Im feeling old and tired and noone has any respect for me anymore.

Im sitting here in tears becase I just feel noone has much time for me in the family, or even thinks to be polite to me. Even dd sometimes is being a bit rude nowadays, though I pull her on it. Im a sahm, but that doesnt mean people can speak to me like Im crap. It really really hurts. I want to feel worthwhile, and right now I jsut feel like a dishwashing broodmare.

sorry...I really need to talk and I dont want to talk in rl to anyone, as I dont like people thinking Im weak...

You fought off an intruder when you were alone in the house.
You were run over by a cyclist.
You're bruised and battered.
You look after 2 children, a husband and a fil
You are pg which ahas thrown your life up side down - bruised and battered on the inside too I'll warrant.
You lug broken pushchairs and your ds home

And your self esteem needs bolstering?
In my book you're more WonderWoman than WeedyWoman

Mummoomin - I'm sorry, I haven't read all of this thread. I read your other thread, elsewhere on this site, when you found out you were pregnant. I know it is too late to consider a termination but you probably weren't going to anyway, were you, because your husband wants this baby?

Is it possible that he is having some kind of (subconscious) reaction to the news of the new baby? Could this explain his behaviour recently? Either way, it is not acceptable. To make you drag home a heavy pushchair and a child when you are pregnant? Because he is busy?

You are right! Any pregnant woman deserves to be treated in a kind and caring manner, to have her emotions and her physical welfare given extra consideration at this time. You already have other children so your husband has experience to know that you will be extra tired and emotional, especially in the first few months. Not to mention the fact that you have mixed feelings about this pregnancy. In his place, I would be going out of my way to look after you, to pamper you and to make you feel special and the apple of my eye.

As I say, I haven't read the rest of the thread, so there is probably some good advice here, but I would definitely have a talk with him and lay it on the line - he needs to pull his socks up and treat you with more respect. If he is having a reaction to the pregnancy news, maybe it will blow over - but it would be worth talking about this too.

Best wishes and please take care of yourself.

Hi moomim
I haven't got time to read all the thread but after I read you op I wanted to post.
My advice would be to have a talk and explain that no matter what is going on in your lives you must never treat each other in this way. You have decided to be together and have children and therefore you must care for each other. I would tell him that it is non negotiable and you both agree to find other ways to vent (you have found mn he can find something.)

Remind him that pregnancy is not an illness but it is a condition which must be monitored and managed to protect baby and you. He is in a position to help you and he must.
Good luck.

Mummoomin, from a practical point of view, do you have the slime for your Phil & Teds's tyres?

Lol..No way wonderwoman, I just ermmmm...do what I have to do. If I dont do it, no other sod will....Im 5 foot nothing, and 8 stone, so I find the phyiscal exertion quite a challenge....

I still feel a bit uncertain in the house after the wierdo tried to break in. I would feel a lot better about it if I knew he was after just things or money.

As soon as Im recovered from this baby, Im going on self defence classes.

Actually read some other threads on here...I feel quite !

My life is not at all bad. Dh is a bit of a chaunvinist but not that bad. He certainly wouldnt hit me or be horrible to the kids.

Perhaps I have been too nice. When we first married I worked out that if I argued back and got angry, it just made things worse, we wound each other up...so I decided to try and be a bit more chilled out...I guess I chilled a shade too far.

I REALLY hate being pregnant. I never would have done the third baby thing intentionally. I hate being big and not being able to get on and do everything.

THanks ladies, it is all a storm in a teacup, and will work out just fine....

(((hugs)))

take care of yourself

He was 63 when MIL left, he is now 69 and not good for his age, has very bad diabetes, has had two strokes, and arthritus in both knees/hips/hands...He is no Mick jagger...sorry wasnt clear, didnt want to post too many details as someone might recognise me and I would have to die of shame....
he IS a helpless old man, poor sod, his daughter doesnt do a thing for him ever, the other siblings rarely bother with him.

Its not much more bother, and I hope my kids take care of me a bit and love me enough to care if Im ever helpless and old...My own parents are a bit crap really, and he is the closest thing I have to a dad.

Dh is a bit of a caveman, and has a bit of a superior attitude towards me, but in balance, its not bad enough to really moan about. I do need people to take care of me sometimes, and I hate feeling that I do a lot and noone helps or appreciates...

However, reading other threads...
. Its nothing, really! How embarressing....sorry for going on and thanks for being so kind and understanding..

Cant sleep again...awful insommnia..

well done moomin, just remember you teach people how to treat you - teach your DH that you expect to be treated as kindly as you treat him.

My DH forgets himself sometimes as he has to manage staff at work and I have to remind him that I'm not one of them! Only today I told him off for badgering me about something and reminded him that I normally manage to organise things without him!

I do see though, that your DH feels very hurt about your wanting to terminate your pregnancy. I can see things from both sides and the view is very different from where he is standing. I hope your talk helped to get these silent hurts out into the open instead of their coming out in these hurtful slights you've described.

Can you involve your FIL more in helping you out? It sounds like you do a lot for him, and I'm sure there are things he could do in return to help you. Perhaps he would like to.

Dh is being a bit of an idiot. Totally ignored me for ages, then was just unpleasant in his kind of very calm (patronising) way.

Ive told him I want us to take a break, he can go to stay with FIL down the road for a few weeks, and we go from there.

He has packed up a case and gone now, just until the weekend. He did argue a bit and say I was being ridiculous, but I remained firm and he realised he was not going to get anything but a very short shrift from me and its better he goes than I just file for divorce.

Ive tried excusing him, tolerating it, being quiet and non confrontational, but hell, its my life too and Ive a right to be treated with respect for what I do for everyone. If he cant do that, then he is jsut going to make me feel crap.

Dd is upset, ds hasnt clicked anything is different. Ive told dd he has just gone to take care of Grandpa for a little while, but I dont think she is silly enough to believe me.

I do think he will be coming back, but we need to sort this out. Im sorting out couples therapy for us both. Its not dramatic break up stuff, just low level disrespect and unpleasantness. Which irhgt now I really cant handle.

I feel very sad, but I know he and I need space for him to get over whatever is bothering him so much. I dont know anyone who is vehmently prolife apart from him. I KNOW Im not into this pregnancy, and Im really not happy about it, but that doesnt make me a different person to who I have always been.

Lets see how ridiculous he thinks I am being when I dont call him to come home tonight.

He really doesnt take me seriously, does he!

All I wanted was the odd thank you, and are you ok? and some kind thoughtful behaviour. I am not a drudge, and I try so hard to care for people properly.

I read back my posts and thought, heavens above woman, listen to yourself! I didnt use to be like this. I was confident and intelligent and strong.

I hate to do this, but I really think things cant go on like this....

Hope you dont mind me posting, it really helps to vent a bit...

Well done. Perhaps a short sharp shock will bring him to his senses and will hopefully save your marriage.

Well done! I know I don't know you but I am very proud of you. Let's hope your dh learns to be proud of you too and to treat you with the appropriate respect.

Well done you. No one desreves disrespect and unpleasantness on a day to day basis, even if it is 'low level'. It's incredibly wearing. You deserve to be treated nicely, with smiles and affection.You are right not to call him home. Sounds like he needs shaking out of his bad habits. Hope it works out for you.

hi mummy. Just wanted to say i think you are an amazing strong woman. My dh treats me like that all the time and i am still trying to pluck up courage to leave. Where do you live? Have you got family near by to help? Is there anything i can do to help?

mehdismummy.

This makes me so cross. There's really no need for people to be treated in this way. I feel it is puree self-indulgence on their part. I was with a seriously grumpy man for four years. It ended and I must say it is the best thing that ever happened to me. Thankfully we had no dc. I know this must make a huge difference.

Am now with DH who I chose the first time I saw him deliberately for his smile. I thought, 'that's what I want to see in the mornings.' It was the best choice I ever made. DD1 gets grinned at constantly.

susiemj I can see your point, though it must be very hard when you're in that situation to get together the will power to change things. Accepting a situation, even when it's not a good one, is often easier than risking change.
It do find it worrying that the OP describes how she used to be as 'confident' and 'strong' etc - it's as if her marriage has knocked it all out of her. No way could I cope with a relationship like that. It seems like she's just accepted that she's the downtrodden wife. Getting him to go to FILs is probs a good move in the short term, but it needs to be followed up with other actions otherwise her DH will just see it as petulant, attention seeking behaviour. TBH I think the best solution is for the OP to not expect DH to change/ move out, but to show that SHE has the capacity to be a strong person in her own right. It might sound very Xenia-ish, but I think having financial independence is a key thing here. The OP needs to show that she doesnt NEED her DH, she can take care of herself. Maybe if he can see that first hand, he'll realise that marriage is about choosing to be with someone, not just putting up with them because you have no alternative.

I aqree - I've no illusions about it being easy especially with Dcs. I only wante dto empathise and perhaps encourage.

And th ebest thing may well be that these two dhs snap out of it and becoem the nice men they probably pnce were.
BTW - I didn't leave nasty man. It just went west of it's own accord.

I'm shocked by the opening post - refusing to help you get home with a broken pushchair and baby when 16 weeks pregnant and with an injury, then eating the food and sending you to get more. Then you had to sit on the floor to eat?

I hope that your DH will take the chance to think about things and will hear what you say at relationship counselling that you mention trying to arrange. I hope that if he values and cares about you he'll realise how much his disrespect and unpleasantness threatens the marriage and the family life he wants.

Good luck.

well done mummoomin for taking a stand and demanding to be treated as you deserve to be.

I've been following your thread but not posting. I think the way your husband has been treating you is appalling and I'm really glad you've remembered that you're a confident, intelligent woman.

stay strong

Im going to see a private clinic today about an abortion, its legal up to 20 weeks, and I cannot have 3 kids and no husband, and the way he is behaving we are heading right to the divorce courts.

Im going to sign off mumsnet now, I really cant face everyone.

Thanks for all the support

moomin

Thanks for the update mummoomin.
Have a big mumsnet hug.

moomin- so sad for you if that's what it's come to...if you need more ears to listen, please come back. xxx