My BF and my ex

[RandomRandomness]

Condensed version:
Friends with R since childhood, we start a relationship a few years ago which I ended last year on good terms. R initially struggles to accept it’s over and tries to manipulate his way back in until he finds out I’d slept with someone else. He gets upset/angry and has since stopped all contact.

After we broke up, R starts spending a few evenings most weeks with S, my closest and longest standing friend (aside from R). They’ve never had a friendship outside of the three of us but they get on well and are into the same things.

I was fine with this to begin with as I still felt that R was a good person and a friend, just struggling a bit to accept it was over. But the way he behaved when he found out I’d moved on has made me see things differently. I’m looking back at our history and realising that he’s not so nice after all but he has everyone convinced he’s this amazing selfless person, particularly S.

S and I have discussed the situation and I’ve made it clear that whilst I’m fine with them hanging out, I’m getting sick of seeing him on SM posts and seeing him/his car all the time in our little village when he lives in the next town over. He’s making no effort to collect the half a room’s worth of things he’s left at mine. I feel like he’s still semi in my life and there’s no way to purge him entirely.

Just recently, I’ve felt like S is starting to distance herself from me. A few times I’ve asked if we can meet up and she’s ignored it or not got back to me with a date for things I’ve suggested. I know she’s incredibly busy and in between she has invited me to stuff. But I can’t help but feel really rejected and like she must prefer R’s company over mine. They meet up several times a week and go to various things together despite him telling me at one point that he finds her annoying as all she does is talk about herself and he’s only hanging out with her because he can’t stand being alone.

They are both quite extroverted and have many friendship groups whereas for me, they are/were my best and closest friends. I’ve since been making much more effort with acquaintances and doing new things but I just feel so upset that I’ve lost them both (or who I thought R was) as they’re the only people bar my children that I can really be myself with. I don’t want to overburden S or put her in an awkward position so I’m just sucking it up for now but I wonder if it might just be less painful to let them both go.

Has anyone got advice on how I can stop feeling so sad about this situation please? I feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know how to move on and this has been going on months now 😞

This is my opinion, not saying it’s right for everyone but it’s what I think. It’s not going to help you seeing them on social media. Could you just take them off of that? You could explain why if you wanted to make sure they didn’t get offended. However, it seems they may not be all too upset seeing as S is not bothering to return your texts and has become distant. You say she hangs out with him multiple times a week but can’t get back to you; How much of a people pleaser do you want to be?
R is probably hurt over finding that out and to be fair, if I found out I was cheated on I’d be pretty annoyed, so in a way I feel maybe he’s justified a small bit. It’s how you now move away from the scenario that matters.is he trying to hurt you by forging this new partnership with S?
Are you sure R&S are not something more than friends? They seem to be hanging out an awful lot. Could just b in a friend way but… also maybe they are dating or something more. It really feels to me from what you say that there is a romantic connection.
I think it’s obviously a bad turn of events when one of your best mates begins some sort of relationship with an ex. It’s not what you expected and it’s less than ideal. What do you do next?
If it was me; to avoid being hurt any further or driving myself mad, I’d just cool it off. Why would you be texting S when she can’t bother to reply most of the time? I’d also get rid of them on social media. I got rid of my socials 5 years ago and it’s the best thing I ever did. I enjoy living in blissful ignorance!
Whatever you do, protect your own feelings.

Thanks for your reply @Shivvy120. I probably didn’t word it well but when I say ‘moved on’ I basically slept with an old ex three months after we’d broken up. He told me when he found out (he asked so I was honest) he only wanted to be friends because I’d said I didn’t plan on dating (I don’t think a hookup is the same as dating and in any case, he didn’t actually tell me those were his conditions).

I have wondered if there might be something else going on but I don’t think it’s likely. I know S is enjoying the fact that people think they are though (not me, people down the pub).

I’m so upset at the idea of losing our friendship. Between them they represent 50 years of friendship which feels like a lot to lose. I wish I’d never got with him.

Also, Bag up his stuff and ask him to collect it. If he hasn’t collected in 2 weeks or whatever time frame, off to charity with it! He can’t just leave his crap at yours and expect you to be a storage facility.
hmmm… if you really don’t want to lose the friendship, could you have a real open heart to heart with her and let her know exactly how you’re feeling?

My first thought was that maybe they're seeing one another now?

She’s not much of a friend.

I got a very different vibe from your post.
You say you ended your relationship won’t your ex on ‘good terms’ - but it doesn’t seem to be. Not for him and not for you.

If it was the case of you realising that you should just get back to being friends - why are you fixated on him. Or acting like you somehow have a right to express an opinion of who he hangs out with, or how often he visits a location. It really has nothing to do with you. And he is allowed to be friends with anyone. Or even date anyone.
But you now seem to be intent on painting him in some bad light - so your friend doesn’t like him. Feels quite selfish and turf protecting.

As to him - he clearly wasn’t ‘on good terms’ with your breakup. He was hurt.

If he has more in common with this other person - and you set him free - maybe them dating ain’t such a bad idea. Surely - since you don’t want him - you’d want them both to be happy?

Your issue really is that you limited your friendship group to a very small group. And it all got tangled with your dating one of these two people.
I don’t think soliton is to push the other one away.

Sounds like he might be getting her on his side to get his own back on you for escaping his control, or because he fancies her, or both. Telling her the story from his viewpoint, with you not coming across well.
And you're so worried about not asking too much of her that you're holding back quietly, potentially giving the impression that you're standoffish and supporting his version of the situation.
Sit back and let her go if you like, but you'd be doing yourself no favours.

Or a combination of MMmomDD's idea and mine - your ex was looking for a new friend, and you were coming across as standoffish and/or prickly by acting coldly towards him.

Are there so many things you can't box them up yourself?

If I were S, I would be taking a step back from you if you started telling me that another friend of mine (R) has too much on social media and shouldn’t be in my village.

Thanks for the replies.

@Shivvy120, I have to use SM for work and I’d need to remove loads of people as it’s a small place where everyone knows everyone and so I see them in the background of other photos. I have set it so I don’t see their posts though. His things are large items like furniture and machinery he left in my cellar but I’ve been taking small bits to S’s for him.

In what way do you think S is a bad friend @Frogger8395?

@MMmomDD, when I say good terms, I said to him shortly after we broke up that we should take a break from the friendship for a while but he got really angry at me and insisted we should remain friends. He spent the next few months trying to worm his way back in right up until he asked me if I’d slept with anyone since we broke up. He was grabbing at me and telling me he loved me moments before but was sneering and judgmental towards me, interrogating me with really personal questions. He knows I have people pleasing issues but still did this. In that moment, I saw him for the manipulator he really is and lots of things started making sense. I’ve never told them they can’t be friends, I encouraged him actually as he was leaning too much on me at the time. I’m not bothered about him. We also have a lot of mutual friends that he forbid me from telling we’d split up. I haven’t bad mouthed him to anyone. This thread is about how I accept it and move on.

@80s, that’s a possibility. I know she has heard things from both of us, sometimes she tells me what he’s been saying. But she’s also said she hopes we can remain friends always. I know she feels quite in the middle between us so I’ve tried really hard not to lean on her too much which has been hard as I’m used to telling her everything (we have a very open relationship).

@Aprilx, I didn’t say that - I told her I was sick of seeing him around and she knew exactly what I meant as she is having a similar issue with her most recent ex except he actually lives in our village. I’m pretty sure she would stop speaking to me if I befriended her ex as she feels like he treated her really badly. I’m starting to see how badly R treated me but she thinks the sun shines out of his arse just like I used to so probably doesn’t see it as a problem. I’ve only hinted at my feelings, she doesn’t know that I’m furious at him.

You could tell her that you don't want her to choose between the two of you, and don't want to poison their relationship. (You might secretly wish that she'd see through him finally, but you don't have to tell her all your secret thoughts, do you?) You're worried about expecting too much of her in case she ... gets fed up with you? You'd rather gradually drop her without explanation than risk her getting fed up and dropping you? Sounds a bit avoidant if that's your logic - trying to avoid criticism. A non-avoidant person might see it the other way: if you might lose her friendship anyway, then you might as well be honest with her.

@80s, I have acknowledged how difficult it must be for her being in the middle of us and that I don’t want to overburden her. She says that I should trust her to make that decision. She knows me very well as you can imagine, including that I struggle to ask people for anything, including their time but after some paid ‘coaching’ from another mutual friend, I’ve been trying to put myself out there more and ask for what I want. I am very much avoidant in style, I can’t stand conflict and fawn and people please as a result.

I suppose she’s telling me what she wants by the fact that she doesn’t always respond to me but has a full calendar of events with him. It just hurts so much and bringing up feelings of rejection. I wish people could see him for what he is. And yes, maybe he has every right to go where he wants but he has literally hundreds of friends he could be hanging out with but chooses to spend all his time in my little village which I only moved to a few years ago. I just want him out of my life and put it behind me.

Seriously - OP - you need to snap out of this - whatever it is…
’wish people could see him for what he is’….

You say you have been friends with him since childhood. Then - you dared for a bit. Clearly a mistake. Then YOU broke it off, but didn’t fully in a way. He gets hurt, hangs around in hope you’ll come around. (You call it ‘tying to worm his way back in’ - poor guy. Why be so cruel?)
Then he gets upset you slept with someone. And you somehow blame him for you being a people pleaser - and suddenly ‘your eyes open as to who he is’. And you want the world to see him as some bad guy.

You need to find something else to focus on in your life - rather than have some vendetta agains the guy you don’t want as a bf. And your friend is right - she can make her own conclusions about who she is friends with.

I expect loyalty from my friends so I wouldn't be able to be friends with S after that, I'd be too hurt.

You don't become best friends with your best friends ex, and you said she's having similar issues with her ex so she knows exactly how it feels like for you but doesn't care.

Are posters missing the bit about him being manipulative? I’ve barely posted about him so I don’t know why people are concluding that I’ve wronged him somehow. He manipulated me into a relationship then proceeded to cocklodge for the next three years. I tried to break it off two years in but he employed the same tactics to get back in. Both my kids can’t stand him. I actually posted on AIBU in Feb about him because he spent the night in his car then sat shivering at my house to guilt me into letting him back. It was his decision to stay friends, I advised against it but at that point still hoped we’d be friends eventually once he’d moved on so went along with his wishes. He was the one who interrogated me on personal matters then used it against me. He showed me a side to him I’ve never seen before and I didn’t like it. I no longer wish to be friends with him because a) he was only ever friends with me because he hoped we’d get together and b) I realise he’s judgemental and pious.

I would really like to ‘snap out of it’ but I’m not sure how to do that, hence the post. I feel like I’ve lost my whole friendship group in one fell swoop which obviously hurts. And I have nowhere to discuss it but here. Nowhere have I asked how I change their minds. I’m not a shit stirrer and will leave people to make their own conclusions. I just want to not feel so sad.

@RandomRandomness
You've got some strange responses on here.
No one would want their ex becoming besties with their best friend and hanging around with them all the time. It's weird.

Based on your latest post, if your other friend knows all of that about your ex and is still hanging out with him then I would be done with both of them, not just him.

Seems to me she is choosing his friendship over yours. What does your gut say? Ive been there. My close friend ended up getting together with my ex, even after I’d told her I was unsure about ending the marriage. She insisted she was ‘just supporting him’ as he was heartbroken and had noone. My gut knew that was bullshit…which proved to be the case.
I’d step back from them both personally and watch what unfolds.

I lost a lot of my friends when my marriage ended btw friends I’d spent years with that he had only flitted on the edges of. It was lonely for a while, but now I have a lot of lovely new friends. It does get easier.

Thanks at @Boomshock. I’m a little sensitive to taking all the blame (I’ve definitely made mistakes too) because he uses victimhood to manipulate people and sees things in very black and white terms. I feel he’s behaved pretty badly but he very much sees me as the bad guy.

@monsteramunch she knows everything. I’ve been confiding in her about us even before we got together because I was uncomfortable about his increasingly unsubtle hints that he wanted to be more than friends and she acknowledges that he has behaved poorly. She feels she can have a positive effect on him and as she is a much more boundaried person than me, will be able to deliver some home truths in a way I couldn’t and help him to see things in shades of grey. She feels confident that he will ‘forgive’ me in time and that we can all hang out again. But I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel comfortable around him again though.

This thread has helped me get to the root of why I’m so bothered (I really wasn’t before we fell out and was pleased for both of them) and it’s because I think he’s creepy and obsessed and I don’t trust him at all now I know the real him. I feel like he’s still got his foot in the door by keeping his things here, hanging out so much with my BF, spending so much time in my village etc. He told me he was going to leave some of the WhatsApp groups I run for a hobby we do but he’s no longer involved in, yet is still in all of them. If he’s as angry with me as he says he is, why isn’t he desperate to cut all ties?

Then, this evening he shows up at my house unannounced to get something he apparently needed for Friday. My DD answered the door and gets his things. I check my WhatsApp and see he’d messaged me twice this afternoon asking to get his stuff. I didn’t see it because I had archived our chat thinking he wouldn’t contact me again except through S. So I messaged to ask him not to come over unannounced in future and he was arsey with me saying he ‘didn’t have time to mess around’ but it’s only Tuesday and he gave me barely any time to respond. I also asked him when he’s coming for the rest of his things and also to delete some intimate images of me from his phone. I feel really creeped out and ‘icky’ that he could still have those photos.

@TheGreatArmundo, I’m so sorry your ex and friend did that to you and lied about it as well! I can only imagine how you must have felt. My gut says that it’s just friendship between them and I trust that S wouldn’t cross that line as she’s very principled but I’m also aware people can surprise you. I do think that she prefers his company which is not surprising as he’s funny, witty, intelligent and really good company (but she hasn’t seen his darker side as he keeps it well hidden) plus it plays into her need to get revenge on her ex (which I completely understand). Thank you for reminding me that it gets better. I can’t tell you how many ch it helped to hear that. I’m an introvert who finds socialising with people I don’t know well really difficult but I’m pushing myself to meet up with people more to hopefully build those closer friendships.

When I finally left my abusive XH following 12 years of performing the pick me dance, I promised myself I would never again beg anyone to treat me well or keep me in their life. I’m just going to wait and watch and see how things pan out for now. Hopefully these feelings pass soon.

Random, you come across as an intelligent, principled, articulate and emotionally savvy person. I bet you are also witty, funny and very good company…Perfect friend material. Hang on in there and remember that this place can be really great when you’re feeling low/lonely.

In what way do you think S is a bad friend @Frogger8395?

I’m pretty sure she would stop speaking to me if I befriended her ex as she feels like he treated her really badly

Indeed. She’d probably feel quite betrayed. Righty so because it’s inappropriate and weird to support and befriend this man who has treated you badly. Who on earth becomes close friends with their friends ex Ffs. She’s not in the middle at all. She’s actively chosen to support him over you. A random bloke over a long term friendship. And she wants you to stay friends with him? Why? He’s an abusive arsehole. What a stupid thing for her to say.

Your friend knows you well. She knows you don’t like conflict and you struggle to assert yourself. She’ll also know that you don’t like it and it’s making you very uncomfortable. Yet she’s doing it anyway. You don’t need to snap out of anything. You’re entitled to feel uncomfortable because it is uncomfortable. She made the decision to make it uncomfortable.

I would be really surprised if this is the first time she’s betrayed you, regardless of how small the betrayal was. You saw a different side to R. Now you’re seeing a different side to S too. That’s good. Upsetting but good.

My gut says that it’s just friendship between them and I trust that S wouldn’t cross that line as she’s very principled but I’m also aware people can surprise you.

She doesn't come across as very principled at all.

She says that I should trust her to make that decision. That's pure manipulation. No one wants their best friend to be besties with their ex after a break up. It's an unspoken rule that everyone else just knows. A principled person would know that.

She feels she can have a positive effect on him and as she is a much more boundaried person than me, will be able to deliver some home truths in a way I couldn’t and help him to see things in shades of grey.

She's dressing it up to make it sound like she's doing a good thing but the only reason she'd feel that way would be if she had feelings for him and thinking she could fix him, people aren't dumb enough to think that about people who are just friends...but add in feelings and they think they can fix everything.

I know S is enjoying the fact that people think they are though (not me, people down the pub).

Also that. How odd. Why would she enjoy that? Anyone with a brain would know that could upset their friend, and also most people would be mortified if people thought they were sleeping with their friends ex.
The only reason she would enjoy that is if she has feelings for him.

It’s uncomfortable to talk about but lots of people who have abusive romantic relationships can also have abusive friendships.People who struggle with boundaries can be an appealing option for loud mouth bully types.

Is she your closest friend or your only friend? And this is important, are you her closest friend?