My BF and my ex

[RandomRandomness]

Condensed version:
Friends with R since childhood, we start a relationship a few years ago which I ended last year on good terms. R initially struggles to accept it’s over and tries to manipulate his way back in until he finds out I’d slept with someone else. He gets upset/angry and has since stopped all contact.

After we broke up, R starts spending a few evenings most weeks with S, my closest and longest standing friend (aside from R). They’ve never had a friendship outside of the three of us but they get on well and are into the same things.

I was fine with this to begin with as I still felt that R was a good person and a friend, just struggling a bit to accept it was over. But the way he behaved when he found out I’d moved on has made me see things differently. I’m looking back at our history and realising that he’s not so nice after all but he has everyone convinced he’s this amazing selfless person, particularly S.

S and I have discussed the situation and I’ve made it clear that whilst I’m fine with them hanging out, I’m getting sick of seeing him on SM posts and seeing him/his car all the time in our little village when he lives in the next town over. He’s making no effort to collect the half a room’s worth of things he’s left at mine. I feel like he’s still semi in my life and there’s no way to purge him entirely.

Just recently, I’ve felt like S is starting to distance herself from me. A few times I’ve asked if we can meet up and she’s ignored it or not got back to me with a date for things I’ve suggested. I know she’s incredibly busy and in between she has invited me to stuff. But I can’t help but feel really rejected and like she must prefer R’s company over mine. They meet up several times a week and go to various things together despite him telling me at one point that he finds her annoying as all she does is talk about herself and he’s only hanging out with her because he can’t stand being alone.

They are both quite extroverted and have many friendship groups whereas for me, they are/were my best and closest friends. I’ve since been making much more effort with acquaintances and doing new things but I just feel so upset that I’ve lost them both (or who I thought R was) as they’re the only people bar my children that I can really be myself with. I don’t want to overburden S or put her in an awkward position so I’m just sucking it up for now but I wonder if it might just be less painful to let them both go.

Has anyone got advice on how I can stop feeling so sad about this situation please? I feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know how to move on and this has been going on months now 😞

I had a somewhat similar situation - they were together and he had been cheating on me with her towards end of relationship. Was what she wanted all along tbh looking back, she clearly adored him and he could do no wrong. I'd just been too blinded by our friendship to see it.

Until now, I’ve really struggled to entertain the idea that anything like that is going on but actually, I can see there’s a good chance she is motivated by romantic feelings towards him.

Funnily enough, she’s been in a similar ‘love triangle’ before, years ago. She was in love with her male friend who in turn was besotted with their mutual female friend who S was envious of and was not remotely interested the male friend. She’s been really candid about that whole thing and how it’s affected her. She told me about it because it reminded her of my situation with R - he’s had a thing for me since school, put me on a pedestal. For a very long time, I resisted his advances and would cool our friendship when it was getting too much. This time, I was in a vulnerable place and he helped me a lot at the time. I ended up feeling like I owed him the thing he’d wanted all along but almost instantly regretted it. Then it took a long time to extricate myself because he became so reliant on me financially and I worried about him becoming homeless.

Thing is, I know R really well and she really isn’t his type. He can be suggestible though so it would be ironic if they got together and he was then in my position, not really wanting the relationship but not being able to end it because he doesn’t want to lose their friendship.

When I was composing the message, I imagined how she might feel reading it and my gut told me she’s just going to be relieved that I’m out of the way.

I’m so sorry your ex and friend did that to you.

That line about him doing no wrong sounds familiar. She always makes excuses for him. Thing is, she’s been listening to me say for a long time that I don’t want to be with him so she probably feels justified as I never wanted him anyway.

It’s weird, everybody absolutely loves him - he literally goes round collecting friends. Everyone just seems to warm to him naturally. But he has another side if you get close enough to see the real him.

He was living abroad breifly on a work exchange and was living with said friend who was studying out there. I went to visit, told him my plane landed 30 mins before it did as he was nortoriously late.

He refused to tell me their address because 'I didn't need it' as he was picking me up. Looked a right idiot when I couldn't give passport control the address and they didn't let me through until they'd looked through my messages. Was late getting through and he wasn't there. Calls. No answer. An hour passes. It's now over 2 hours since I told him my plane was landing. Finally answers his phone, swearing at me for constant ringing because 'he'll be there in a minute', shows up 20 mins later. No apology. Eventually turned out he'd been let out work early to come get me but decided he was tired and went home for a nap first (read shagging friend).

Obviously I was more than pissed, twat rang around mututal friends telling them all how I'd arrived and 'all I'd done is sulk and be mad at him for nothing' (obv not even telling them he was late) when 'all he wanted to do was spend time with me' and how upset my behaviour was making him. Then I started getting bloody messages from them asking why I was being so mean! I tried to tell them twat had left me abandoned in an abroad airport without even an address but was met with lots of dismissal, why you punishing him for no reason just enjoy your short time together etc. He would routinely manipulate friends to guilt trip me and get his way, they could see no wrong in him because he was so lovely to them.

Never regretted leaving his sorry arse and dumping all the 'friends' to boot. You're not crazy, he's a twat and she will take his side. I'm so much happier in my life now with my friends, awesome DH I love more than life itself and has taught me every day what a healthy relationship is.

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen, that is an horrendous way for them all to treat you! I’m so glad that you ditched them all and are much happier now.

Not this exact situation, but I’ve been here before, been shit on by various so called friends and had to ditch them. It’s partly why I keep my circle so small.

Their timing couldn’t have been worse really. I’m going through a lot at the moment and needed a close friend. I know I should be more angry at her but I place most of the blame at his feet since I feel like he’s done this to isolate and punish me, at least in part.

One thing I’ve learned is that you cant ‘take away’ a friend who doesn’t want to be taken. As painful as it is, she’s the one who has let you down when you needed her. Thats not real friendship. You deserve better.

I say that only because I get the impression she is going to come back and be a friend to you again. But she will only do that if it suits her agenda or things go tits up with your ex and she doesn't get what she’s looking for there.
Honestly op you sound like a lovely person and a good friend. Please invest that in people who will give back.

Thank you @TheGreatArmundo. I know you’re right. I feel like there must be something wrong with me if people can care so little about me. My sister cut me out a few years ago too and we were really close before (she didn’t like that I was dating her ex’s acquaintance at the time). I’ve drifted from my childhood friendship group but they’re all still in touch with DSis. The only thing I know for sure is I’m a good mum and my children have been incredibly supportive right now but I don’t want to lean on them obviously.

She responded shortly after I sent her the message this morning with this:

I think I’m moving past the denial stage and I’m just absolutely devastated. I can’t believe this is happening. I was in such a good place just a few weeks ago, although the situation with them was starting to build.

The pain is tinged with absolute rage as well as shame and my self esteem is on the floor. I just want to call him and tell him that I think he’s a horrible bastard. And the shame that I trusted them, shared so much with them. I don’t know how I’m going to move past this.

I can’t find any pleasure in anything I usually would. I’ve been trying really hard to keep busy and do new things but right now I just want to shut myself away from people. I’m supposed to be applying for a really good job but I’ve only got a couple of days and I can’t make myself do it. I just don’t care about anything else right now. On the plus side, although not really, I found out today my drains have collapsed and there’s human shit all over my garden in this heat, it’s going to cost £££ to repair but I don’t give a shit (no pun intended).

And now I’m worried that this thread confirms I’m whiny and boring and a drag to be around. I know that at this moment, they’re both sat in the pub at the end of my road together and I’m sat alone feeling so utterly betrayed. I’m angry at myself for feeling so hurt, letting him win.

For those who have been here, what did you do to process it and move on please? I don’t think I’m coping all that well 😞

Mate, the only thing this thread confirms is that you sound like a lovely, nice, normal friend and they both sound (to be frank) at best selfish and odd, at worst manipulative and mean.

Please don't miss out on applying for the job if it could be good for you in the long term! Don't let their rubbish behaviour and disloyalty impact you in that way.

How can we help? Do you need ideas of stuff to watch / listen to / do, to keep you occupied?

And some counselling could be a great shout - I've had friendships that I've had to grieve harder than relationships and you're going through a sort of double whammy so there's absolutely no shame in needing someone objective and professional to work through your feelings on this with.

As always with counselling while you're talking about this it will probably become evident that the feelings you have about the situation are complicated and perhaps down to it triggering pain from previous situations.

You deserve to be happy and to have nice people in your life who don't make you feel shit or confused. That's not too much to ask and it's great to recognised that this dynamic wasn't working for you anymore and that you needed to take a step back

Please, please dont feel shame that you trusted them. That you did so means you are a wonderful human who takes the risk to open your heart to others…and god knows the world needs as many of those types of people as possible. Its them who should feel absolutely shame faced that they have used your good nature.

Also, you are not remotely whiny! You are hurt and grieving…and for all its faults at times mn is a place you can come to with that and find other humans who will give you a remote hug and who can relate and who genuinely wish better for you.

I just realised I made a typo in my last post…it should have read that I feel like you think she might come back.

The ‘I love you both’ is telling. Its crackers that she’s placing equal importance on a 10 year friendship and a few months. To me its further proof that shes after him and maybe believes that she is falling in love.

Random. Dont miss out on this job because of those losers. Get out there and try for it…because if you get it it will be another stepping stone on your road back to yourself, and you deserve that.

sorry to hear about the shit in the garden…that really sucks at a time when things are already hard.

And keep posting if its helping. We’re listening. 😘

Your friend's reply is the biggest pile of shit I've ever read. Ugh. Seriously you are well shot of both of them. He's a manipulative arsehole and she's a patronising bitch.

Sorry my period is due but I really mean it 😂

Does she normally take on the role of deranged life coach?

And now I’m worried that this thread confirms I’m whiny and boring and a drag to be around.
If anything you sound like an enraged Amazonian warrior :D

When I broke up with my exh, I also "broke up with" a close friend, partly due to a misunderstanding 😬but partly as my exh was staying in touch with her and her dp, and I didn't like the idea of them saying one thing to him and another to me. Actually got back in contact with her after a few years - we don't meet as much as we used to but it feels like a healthier friendship - she used to do a lot of one-upmanship and that has stopped. It took a couple of years and counselling to get over the end of my marriage and it was only after that that I could consider getting back in touch with her. I'd recommend seeking out professional help, too - it also helped improve my self-esteem.

I’m so grateful to have this space to talk about it, and to know there’s people thinking of me and happy to let me drone on. Sad to consider that complete strangers can want better for you than people you’ve known most of your life.

Late last night, a guy who is friends with R and part of the hobby WhatsApp, posted a message in reply to my ‘thanks for everything and bye’ message. It was going on about how great R is and how he was the reason he joined the group, offering to pass on messages etc. This guy moved away over a year ago and hasn’t posted at all on the WhatsApp since then, I’d forgotten he was even in it. I instantly felt it was aimed at me and it just tipped me closer to the edge. I started thinking he is going to try turn everyone against me and I would have to move area. Having discussed with one of the committee members, I feel better about that and she’s reassured me about my role in the group (R and I set it up together although I did 90% of the work). This is how far my trust for him has sunk.

I’m also trying to reconcile the person I believed him to be with the way he’s behaving now. I would never have predicted this. I really thought he was different and would have my best interests at heart even after we broke up. He told me a few times he ‘just wanted to be better to me than all the other dickheads’ I’ve dated but actually, none of them isolated me like this once we’d broken up so he’s behaved worse in some ways.

Yesterday was the lowest I’ve felt in 15 years. The last time was when I was in the early stages of pregnancy, I was at uni and started bleeding. I tried to get hold of then H but his phone was off. Drove to the house and caught him with OW who was just 16 years old. I vomited from the pain. Sad to say I stayed another 6 years after that. Somehow, this feels almost as bad. I ended up messaging SHOUT in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep for the anguish. It was actually really helpful to get me calm enough to sleep a little.

I’ve started opening up to more people and everyone has been so kind and supportive. Work are being great and have offered to fund counselling so I’m going to take them up on that. I called in sick today so I could at least sleep a little so feeling the tiniest bit better. I think I’ll call in for the rest of the week and try get this application done (thank you for encouraging me to go for it).

I didn’t want to admit to myself just how bad I felt because that means he’s winning. I’ve spend too much of my life hurting from being treated poorly so I don’t want to waste a second more. Now I’ve accepted it though, I can ask for help in moving forward.

It’s helped so much to hear how other people have come through something similar. How do other people deal with the intense pain? I’ve resisted letting myself feel it until lately but I guess it was not going to be ignored for long. I think the hardest times are going to be when I know they’re together which is most evenings!

Although I tried to leave the door open with S, I don’t think I’ll be able to trust her again after this. I’ve always known she’s a fairly selfish person though so it feels a little less personal than it does with R.

Although I tried to leave the door open with S, I don’t think I’ll be able to trust her again after this. I’ve always known she’s a fairly selfish person though so it feels a little less personal than it does with R.

I think as time goes on you will look back more and more and realise that she's not a nice person and you'll probably see a lot of things in a different light. You will recalibrate. Also take comfort in the fact he doesn't even really want her and she knows this.

"My sister cut me out a few years ago too and we were really close before (she didn’t like that I was dating her ex’s acquaintance at the time)."

"I just want him out of my life and put it behind me."

"I resent that she’s enabling him to maintain this link to my life"

How do you think your sister felt?

I’m already questioning things. A few people have suggested she knew what she was doing and wanted to get me out of the way and now I’m wondering too. She thinks every guy she knows is attracted to her because of her big boobs. I’ve never questioned it really because I don’t have big boobs so what do I know. But judging by the way she talked about her other male friends/acquaintances, she probably thinks he would. Maybe she’s right.

It was slightly different in that the acquaintance lived 6 hours away from us (long distance relationship) and was not in her life at all. She only met him the once, when she was still with her BF. She actually started a few threads about it on here at the time so I know exactly what she was thinking. I gathered from her threads that a lot of it was rooted in sibilant rivalry.

'wanted to be better to me than all the other dickheads' I’ve dated
I wonder why this phrase stuck in your mind - were you impressed or suspicious?

Doesn't surprise me to hear that your friend kept going on about her big boobs when yours are not as big: she really sounds like she secretly feels inferior and seeks out people she feels make her look better by comparison. From the various ways in which the two of them are trying to get to you, it doesn't sound to me like they are out there of an evening living a life of bliss and joy; more like they are two balls in a pinball machine frantically shooting through life whacking up against things and never stopping to sort out their issues.

Maybe this is especially painful because you have these nasty experiences of being let down, both when you were at uni and likely also in childhood - avoidance often develops when a child learns that they can't rely on their parent(s) to be there for them, physically or emotionally (sometimes because the parent is avoidant). That affects your self-esteem, and the avoidance is a coping mechanism. Your sister seems to lean in the same direction?

@80s, I was impressed by that and I believed it too. Thing is, he thinks he’s nicer than he actually is. He’s the type to make jokey digs under the guise of ‘banter’ but he goes too far and you’re left wondering if he actually means it.

From the various ways in which the two of them are trying to get to you, it doesn't sound to me like they are out there of an evening living a life of bliss and joy; more like they are two balls in a pinball machine frantically shooting through life whacking up against things and never stopping to sort out their issues.

How did you manage to sum them up with such little info? S reminds me of DSis in some ways because they both feel like they are particularly unlucky and that bad things happen to them all the time but it’s usually down to them not being organised, not paying bills on time, not doing maintenance on things that need fixing until the breakdown causes more problems, etc etc. S openly admits she’s a ‘child’. R is pretty similar (they’re both ENTPs). He once told me that he has only survived so far because he latched onto people who feel sorry for him and help him (I think I mentioned up thread that he has a victim complex). I cut him a lot of slack because he has experienced some horrific trauma but he was definitely looking to me to make it all better for him, look after him and solve his problems. I am the complete opposite, I’m very organised, good with money, sensible, proactive etc. R once described me as the most grown up adult he knows.

I agree that this situation is triggering past trauma for me. My parents always worked long hours and my dad was/is pretty unkind and shouts a lot. I recognise that I’ve modelled on my mum who is very passive and a people pleaser. I was targeted by various men from around the age of 10/11 and was sexually abused repeatedly for years then had various abusive relationships. I find it very hard to trust people. My experience has been that people can’t help but take advantage of my good nature and abuse my generosity. I honestly thought R was different and it’s blindsided me that he would do this.

I’ve just booked with a therapist starting week after next. She seemed really lovely and I feel positive about doing this. I’m not sure how I’m going to manage until then though. Can you get one off counselling sessions? Nobody seems to have immediate availability though.