My BF and my ex

[RandomRandomness]

Condensed version:
Friends with R since childhood, we start a relationship a few years ago which I ended last year on good terms. R initially struggles to accept it’s over and tries to manipulate his way back in until he finds out I’d slept with someone else. He gets upset/angry and has since stopped all contact.

After we broke up, R starts spending a few evenings most weeks with S, my closest and longest standing friend (aside from R). They’ve never had a friendship outside of the three of us but they get on well and are into the same things.

I was fine with this to begin with as I still felt that R was a good person and a friend, just struggling a bit to accept it was over. But the way he behaved when he found out I’d moved on has made me see things differently. I’m looking back at our history and realising that he’s not so nice after all but he has everyone convinced he’s this amazing selfless person, particularly S.

S and I have discussed the situation and I’ve made it clear that whilst I’m fine with them hanging out, I’m getting sick of seeing him on SM posts and seeing him/his car all the time in our little village when he lives in the next town over. He’s making no effort to collect the half a room’s worth of things he’s left at mine. I feel like he’s still semi in my life and there’s no way to purge him entirely.

Just recently, I’ve felt like S is starting to distance herself from me. A few times I’ve asked if we can meet up and she’s ignored it or not got back to me with a date for things I’ve suggested. I know she’s incredibly busy and in between she has invited me to stuff. But I can’t help but feel really rejected and like she must prefer R’s company over mine. They meet up several times a week and go to various things together despite him telling me at one point that he finds her annoying as all she does is talk about herself and he’s only hanging out with her because he can’t stand being alone.

They are both quite extroverted and have many friendship groups whereas for me, they are/were my best and closest friends. I’ve since been making much more effort with acquaintances and doing new things but I just feel so upset that I’ve lost them both (or who I thought R was) as they’re the only people bar my children that I can really be myself with. I don’t want to overburden S or put her in an awkward position so I’m just sucking it up for now but I wonder if it might just be less painful to let them both go.

Has anyone got advice on how I can stop feeling so sad about this situation please? I feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know how to move on and this has been going on months now 😞

Give him a deadline to connect the stuff and make it clear it's going out for the tat man / free cycle in a week.

Reflect back the level of overheat she shows you back at her. So if the last suggestion to meet up was hers, suggest the next one. Make an equivalent level of contact. Don't chase.

Stop using her as your go between. Don't take stuff to her house for him. Don't assume of he wants you he'll message through her. Stop putting her in the middle

She feels she can have a positive effect on him and as she is a much more boundaried person than me, will be able to deliver some home truths in a way I couldn’t and help him to see things in shades of grey.
Perhaps she's attracted by the challenge to rescue a flawed man and do better than her flawed friend? Tbh it sounds like she has some confidence issues herself.
She feels confident that he will ‘forgive’ me in time and that we can all hang out again.
Wishful thinking.

He might well be a totally different person with her than with you, because he's more scared of her judgement, or because he's somehow aware he was a dick with you and wants to show her, himself, you and everyone else that he's not a dick, or just because people do develop over time. Much as you'd like her to see through him, she won't be seeing exactly what you saw.

I'd be pissed off if I had to keep seeing my ex swanning around all the time, let alone with my best friend, and would probably follow the avoidant route too :D It might be best not to burn all your bridges, if you would like to keep her as a friend: there's a good chance they won't be so close forever. But I wouldn't be surprised, if you spend less time with her, if you see your friendship through less rose-tinted lenses.

Maybe speak to your therapist (is it a real therapist?) about how you are interpreting the time she allocates to each of you. If it's a (potential) romantic relationship then it would be normal to spend a lot of time with a new partner and less time with your usual friends. Or maybe she's enjoying the novelty. Or maybe she gets on with him better than with you. But that doesn't mean you're rubbish and she hates you.

I wouldn’t be impressed with the friend. Isn’t she your friend. I think more is going on than you realise. Bag his stuff up. Leave it outside. Tell him to collect it. Remove them on sm. Stop contacting her she isn’t being your friend. Start thinking about what you need. Boundaries.

@TheGreatArmundo, thank you for your kind words, they’ve really helped a lot. My self esteem has taken a battering over this so I’m going to remind myself that this isn’t a reflection of who I am and that I am a good friend.

@Frogger8395 when you break it down like that, it does make me think. I’ve never been in this position before so wasn’t sure what the usual etiquette is although it’s not something I’d do myself. I suppose the lines were blurred a little at first because we were all still friends and I supported them in their friendship.

Now we’ve fallen out, I resent that she’s enabling him to maintain this link to my life. I think she does know on some level that this can’t be much fun for me and we did sort of discuss it being awkward. I think ultimately, she’s getting a lot from their friendship so is prioritising that over our friendship.

I don’t have any other close friends but a few acquaintances. She has loads of friends going back decades. I’m not her closest friend but I think I’m up there, maybe second tier at a guess.

@Boomshock, you’ve also given an interesting perspective. She’s talked a lot about how good looking he is and how wherever they go, women look at him and are asking who he is but she hasn’t said she likes him like that.

She has a lot of history with the ‘people down the pub’ so I kind of feel that a lot of it is about sticking two fingers up at them all and enjoying people talking about them. I am tenuously friends with a couple of people from this scene but don’t know the majority of them.

I’m wondering now if they might get together but I’ve always felt it unlikely because he used to mock her physical appearance to me when we were together so I assumed she’s not his type. Yep, Nice Guy™️. I would never tell her this btw.

@SleepingStandingUp, your advice about matching her pace has got me thinking. The last few months since the fallout has been me making the effort on the whole, previously it was equal. Our level of contact has fluctuated over the years but now I’m single again and have way more time, I have reached out to her more than I did before. We generally see each other once a week until recently.

It was actually her who suggested I could drop his stuff at hers but you’re right, it’s not appropriate to make her a go between.

The last time we spoke, she says she was too busy that day but would let me know when she’s next free and I’ve not heard from her since. I’m going to wait and see how long it takes but I have a horrible feeling she’s just not that bothered anymore.

Thank you @80s. I won’t fall out with her or anything and I know their friendship has a good chance of cooling down a bit once the novelty wears off. I’m going to back off and leave them to it for now.

She wasn’t a therapist but a ‘confidence coach’. I did find it really helpful but should probably look into proper therapy to address my poor boundaries with people.

Thanks @Blueskies13. After he turned up unannounced the other day, I’m going to be firmer about collecting his things then once they’re gone I’m going to block him on everything. I’m still not sure what to do about S, I’m just going to wait and watch for now but there’s no denying that I feel really hurt and rejected by her.

Oh OP, I’m sorry but I don’t think she’s your friend. She’s not treating you well at all and I wouldn’t be surprised if either they get together, or he’s letting her believe they might because he enjoys her attention and hurting you by taking your friend away. I think it’s time you start sticking up for yourself and that starts by telling him to come and get his stuff by Monday or you’ll be throwing it out because you’re not his fucking storage facility.

Id also stop contacting her, she owes you a huge apology frankly. If you’d done this to her, you know she wouldn’t accept it, she’s an absolute hypocrite.

I get that you’d like everything to be nice and friendly etc, but if the only way to facilitate that, is by being a doormat and allowing yourself to be disrespected, it’s not worth it.

I would quietly fade from her life with no drama. It’s upsetting, but you’ve seen a different side to her and this is a perfect opportunity to make new friends. Ones who know you don’t befriend your friends ex.

As for him, give him a few days deadline to get his shit and then leave it outside. He’s got a nerve leaving his junk in your space.How long has it been there for?

There is something about narcissistic men that I noticed among my own abusive ex and those of friends. They tend to leave a lot of stuff, much of it not really of any actual value and often failed to return their keys. It is a power ploy to keep control of your space, continuing to invade it. I would send them a very firm message that they have 10 days to remove all of their stuff or it will be dumped. In my own case, my ex left loads of stuff and ignored requests to pick it up. Eventually, I took several trips to the local refuse centre and gave away other stuff. Some years later, he got in touch out of the blue wanting some of his things. Told him it was all long gone and blocked.

Thanks for the support everyone. I can’t tell you how much it’s helping to have somewhere to talk about this as I’ve literally nowhere in RL.

S got in touch and invited me over. Naturally, R came up as a topic and again she was telling me how much attention he’s getting etc. I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever and he gives me major ick so I don’t feel jealous (except of their friendship) but I still think it’s inappropriate.

Then, she was telling me they’d been out and a few of her ex’s were there so she spent the next day in tears. I decided this was my cue to admit that I’ve felt a bit tearful this week thinking she prefers him over me but I know I’m being silly etc. but she admitted that she does prefer his company because they have an interest in common! She backtracked a bit but I know it’s the truth. She prides herself on being able to read people etc. so I don’t know why she’s being so insensitive. She also said she loves us equally - 10 years of friendship vs 5 months of hanging out with him and we have equal status. She won’t let me say anything bad about him either even though I think it’s normal to need to vent about an ex and I’m pretty sure he does as she often mentions how angry he still is with me.

She often intimates that this friendship suits her ‘for now’ implying they won’t always be this close but I just don’t think my heart or my self esteem can take it anymore. I’m not sleeping, I’m crying all the time, it’s all I’m thinking about. It’s making me want to move areas but I love my house and have felt really happy here.

We broke up before Xmas and he’s not really taken much yet. I’ve told him he must come for his things before the end of June so I’m looking forward to severing that link. I feel really positive about the other changes I’m making and getting out of my comfort zone but I wish I could stop feeling so hurt and rejected over this.

I’m trying to decide whether I should be honest with her and just say that as I’m struggling with the situation but don’t want her to choose between us, that I’ll back off for now or whether to just distance myself quietly.

In all honesty, I don’t care if they’re friends but it feels like a punch in the gut that she is prioritising their relatively new friendship over our decade long friendship and I would be fine if the time she spent with us was more equitable. As it stands, I feel like I’m begging for crumbs and as I mentioned upthread, I will NEVER beg anyone to ’choose’ me.

What would you do in my situation?

@RandomRandomness

She just sounds like more and more of an asshole.

I would imagine she's telling you how much attention he's getting to throw you off the scent that they're together/or on their way to getting together.
There is NO other possible reason why she would do that if not.
Anyone with a crumb of emotional intelligence wouldn't be telling someones ex that in case they specifically asked.

She won't let you vent about him to her but she lets him vent about you to her (and then tells you about it). She obviously has feelings and doesn't want her bubble burst.
Letting him vent strengthens their bond. Letting him vent also means she can become closer to him while pulling away from you.

Saying she loves you equally. Fuck that.

She is not your friend.

I expect they are seeing each other or at least well on their way to getting there.

Box up his stuff and either take it to his house or give him a fortnight to collect it, before making it clear it will be binned. Then get rid of it if necessary.

I think you need to find some new friends.

Wish I could edit my post. I meant anyone with any emotional intelligence wouldn't tell someone that unless they were asked.

she often mentions how angry he still is with me.

Shes a horrible person. Nobody could be this hurtful and hypocritical by accident.

She comes across as highly manipulative with grandiose ideas about herself.

Her behaviour is NOT normal, and the mental gymnastics she does to justify it all suggest that she's very much spinning a narrative for herself that he's great and she's great, when it inevitably comes out that they're together she will easily paint the OP as the unreasonable one.

again she was telling me how much attention he’s getting etc.
...they’d been out and a few of her ex’s were there so she spent the next day in tears
Sounds like she was trying to upset you, then when you didn't act upset she brought up the subject of crying over exes to see if you'd been crying over him.

she admitted that she does prefer his company ... she often mentions how angry he still is with me
Also trying to upset you?

She’s talked a lot about how good looking he is and how wherever they go, women look at him and are asking who he is
Could she have been jealous of you for attracting the guy she fancied?
Perhaps she's stressing that she's not interested in him, and claiming that he's keen, because she'd love to be in the "strong" position you were in - him wanting you, you rejecting him?

Does your avoidant side mean that you don't open up about weaknesses easily? Could she have misread that as you being controlled and confident, so she's enjoying seeing you dejected as it makes her feel better about herself?

Just speculation though. What you do know is that she's not being a good friend to you, for whatever reason, and being around her is making you feel worse. Next time she contacts you, maybe say that you don't have time and you'll let her know when you're free.

Sorry OP but she doesn't sound like a good friend and it sounds like your friendship has run its course. It seems like she's enjoying the drama, swanning about with R and having everyone speculate on her life like she's a minor celebrity. I know it can be hard to let go but if I were you I'd stop messaging her, I have a feeling you won't hear from her very much when the ball is left in her court. And re: R and his stuff, tell him, he has until x date to collect it and if it's not gone it will be advertised online and given away. He is probably leaving it there on purpose so it's hanging over you, one of my exes used to do this (we broke up multiple times). S will learn what he's like and it sounds like she deserves it. And stop telling your exes about your sex life, it's none of their business. Best of luck x

I hear what everyone’s saying. She has been a good friend to me but I know friends aren’t supposed to make you feel like this. I’ve decided to let her know I’m stepping back from our friendship for the time being rather than just going quiet on her. I need to draw the line so I can start moving on.

Ex had arranged to collect some things today and she messaged telling me he was nervous about it and asked if could she be there for support. I had told him I was leaving his things in the garden and I wouldn’t be there so I’m not sure what he was worrying about. Anyway, as soon as he got his things, I sent him a message telling him to contact my family member about getting his remaining things (he’ll need a van), thanked him on the WhatsApp group for his contribution then kicked him out then blocked him on everything.

Tomorrow morning I will send her the attached message. I would have sent it tonight but I wanted her to read it when he’s less likely to be there. Probably silly but just wanted this to be a private moment between us instead of him being involved.

Anyway, feeling absolutely gutted as you can imagine but also proud of myself for refusing to take this sort of shit from people who are supposed to care about me. I’ve survived worse and still standing. Here’s to rebuilding yet again!

Sorry op but this is all so very familiar to what happened to me. I can almost guarantee you that shes making a play for him. She is not a friend. Friends dont drop long standing friends in need for their attractive ex’s unless they want to get in their pants.
at best she is disloyal and not worthy of you, at worst she’s a calculating cowbag who possibly had her eye on him for a while.

get rid and find some friends really deserving of all you have to offer.

Ex had arranged to collect some things today and she messaged telling me he was nervous about it and asked if could she be there for support.

I'm sorry but what is this shit? Sounds like a weird combination of trying to make out you're scary and she's his protector.....also sounds a bit like she didn't want you and the ex to be alone.

I would have sent it tonight but I wanted her to read it when he’s less likely to be there. Probably silly but just wanted this to be a private moment between us instead of him being involved.

She's going to tell him all about it anyway.

I saw your message to her. I would suggest you try to get all of your grieving about this friend out of the way, because I don't think it's going to be long before you hear that they're together.

It really, REALLY feels as tho she is interested in him romantically . He was nervous about getting his things, so she wants to back him up by going with him to your place? Sorry, to be blunt, she’s taking his side, she doesn’t view your friendship as equal to his if this is what she’s doing. Holding his hand while he’s going to the big bad wolfs house to get his stuff … this is a grown man. What the hell! What has he told her to make him justify being ‘nervous’ to go to your house?

Something very unusual going on and you are deffo not getting the full story.

Good on u for making that call on stepping back.!