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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me catch him

107 replies

Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 15:21

For all you master detectives out there....
NC for this one but longtime poster.

Long story short, I've suspected for a while that my partner of 18 months was lying to me about seeing another woman.

He's been behaving strangely in our communications all weekend, and my friend has just sent me an incriminating photo from the OW's social media.

Can anyone tell me where this place is? He's very manipulative and I suspect a master gaslighter, and unless I confront him with where I knew he was, I'll get nothing.

Help me catch him
OP posts:
NurseEssie · 05/06/2023 15:42

'I absolutely will. I just wanted to be fully armed when I confront him, as I'm sorry to say he's managed to wiggle his way out of things before.'

No you won't. You'll stay with him. Going in circles for years.
You would have dumped him by now otherwise.

What evidence? You already know he's a manipulative idiot.

polkadotdalmation · 05/06/2023 15:44

You e caught him now bin him.

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 15:45

I don’t really understand what you’re doing, if it’s another woman and his dog, why do you care where it is? And it’s only 18 months, do you even live together? Why do you need cast iron evidence. If you want to stay with him just own it and stop playing games.

Original poster
Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 15:49

To be clear, no I don't want to stay with him. So I thought having as much evidence as I could when I approached him would make sure he felt suitably exposed that he won't be trying to worm his way back in.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 05/06/2023 15:50

Dump his sorry ass op, Derwentwater!

These men ( and women) take the kendal mint cake

Original poster
Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 15:54

Thank you everyone for your help,

He's due to come round to my place this evening, I've tried to get hold of him to tell him I know he's been lying to me and to stay away, but I can't reach him. Presumably because he's busy...

So when he inevitably shows up later, I wanted to be fully 'built up' if that makes sense. I can too easily give people the benefit of any doubt, but I wanted to make sure this 'relationship' is done and dusted, no going back.

OP posts:
mrlistersgelfbride · 05/06/2023 16:01

Good luck OP.

pollykitty · 05/06/2023 16:03

Seriously why bother wasting any more energy on someone you don't trust and don't want to stay with? Ghost him, delete his number, block him, etc. Walk away and don't look back.

YoSof · 05/06/2023 16:05

You don’t need to see home. You don’t need to communicate with him ever again, and there lies your power.

Send him the photo if you must, and then block him. Or just block him. He knows what he did.

YoSof · 05/06/2023 16:06

See him*

ninjafoodienovice · 05/06/2023 16:07

So when you see him - why don't you say, it was lovely weather in the Lake District wasn't it? And watch him go puce

Original poster
Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 16:07

I just got through to him on the phone, made some small talk, then asked him when he was planning on telling me that he was really in Derwentwater at the weekend.

He knew then I'd caught him out, and admitted he'd been away with another woman and lied to me about it.

I told him this is over and not to contact me again, and he's now blocked on all channels.

Feels like a shock, but somehow not a surprise. But also feels like a weight off my shoulders, I knew something was off.

Thank you for your help everyone.

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2023 16:09

Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 16:07

I just got through to him on the phone, made some small talk, then asked him when he was planning on telling me that he was really in Derwentwater at the weekend.

He knew then I'd caught him out, and admitted he'd been away with another woman and lied to me about it.

I told him this is over and not to contact me again, and he's now blocked on all channels.

Feels like a shock, but somehow not a surprise. But also feels like a weight off my shoulders, I knew something was off.

Thank you for your help everyone.

I'm so sorry op

Total loser and your life is much better with out that crap xxxxxx

PollyDarton1 · 05/06/2023 16:10

Honestly, you don't need any other reason or evidence to dump him - all you need is how you feel and desire not to be with him and that is enough on its on.

If he's a master manipulator/gaslighter he'll be able to think on the spot of something to explain it, and if you are trauma bonded/likely to give him (or others) the benefit of the doubt you'll just believe him.

It's only 18 months - you don't live together. Just tell him you don't want to see him tonight, or any night - if he's got stuff at yours put it in a bag and leave it by your door, tell him where his stuff is and block him. Gathering evidence and presenting it to him will only bolster his high opinion of himself that you cared that much to go to the effort of catching him out, and he'll get a kick out of trying to win you around again. If you leave him with literally zero explanation and no opportunity to win you round by ignoring him, he'll hopefully go away.

PollyDarton1 · 05/06/2023 16:11

Sorry, just seen your update - good work OP, keep him blocked.

lastofthesmalltownplayboys · 05/06/2023 16:11

Really pleased you got your answer and well done you!

I also understand why you wanted to see him for closure, although it may seem a bit strange to others, with people who gaslight etc you just want to know it isn't all in your head like they make you feel.

Well done for blocking him etc however one piece of advice I was given after being in a relationship with a manipulative, gaslighting horror with narcissistic tendencies was not to block, as if they make threats etc you don't have the records to back up their behaviour and can't see it escalating in case you're in danger. Mute/archive the chat if you can do you can check from time to time to ensure it hasn't escalated to the point of real concern.

I hope you feel like a weight has been lifted and the world is your oyster!

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 05/06/2023 16:21

Hope the other woman finds out about you and dumps him as well, serves him right.
Your well rid OP, who needs a sly lying cheater and they don't change, they just get better at not being caught.
You'll find someone else miles better who will makes you very happy.

clpsmum · 05/06/2023 16:24

Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 15:37

@Spottybluepyjamas it's only his dog in the photo, not him, so I wanted to make sure I ad as much solid information as I could when I confront him.

You know you don't need solid proof though. You wanting to finish it is all the reason you need to end things

Peppermint81 · 05/06/2023 16:24

Good for you!!!

Enjoy a lovey celebratory glass of bubbly!

clpsmum · 05/06/2023 16:25

Darkdarknight99 · 05/06/2023 16:07

I just got through to him on the phone, made some small talk, then asked him when he was planning on telling me that he was really in Derwentwater at the weekend.

He knew then I'd caught him out, and admitted he'd been away with another woman and lied to me about it.

I told him this is over and not to contact me again, and he's now blocked on all channels.

Feels like a shock, but somehow not a surprise. But also feels like a weight off my shoulders, I knew something was off.

Thank you for your help everyone.

Well done OP and good luck with the next happier chapter of your life without that scumbag

FacebookFun · 05/06/2023 16:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

whowhatwhen · 05/06/2023 16:28

I think it's Cat Bells, i reverse google image searched your photo. Go to images.google.com and paste it in there.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 16:28

pollykitty · 05/06/2023 16:03

Seriously why bother wasting any more energy on someone you don't trust and don't want to stay with? Ghost him, delete his number, block him, etc. Walk away and don't look back.

All of this.

I don't understand the need for the detective work & preventing him 'worming his way back in'.

It sounds as if you were completely clear about him before this latest episode anyway.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 16:29

Cross-posted. Well done OP. Onwards & upwards.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 16:32

Good for you!!!

That happened quickly. Excellently done, op!