Am I being selfish?

[andrew279144]

My partner had stage 4 cancer two years ago - liver and bowel - four months to live. I nursed her through all of it, and thanks to wonderful Southampton General, she is, after colono-rectal surgery and stoma, now free of it. But we had a great sex life up until her surgery. Now, of course that has ended. But I miss it. Am I being unreasonable in wanting some kind of sex life, I'm sure many will label me as just a typical man wanting sex. Tired of masturbation. What should I do??

You should probably get this moved to relationships, you will get more replies than in AMA.

Agree, get this moved

Glad she is out the other side of such an upsetting and traumatic time. It must have been incredibly difficult for both of you

Has the sex ended because she is now physically unable to do penetrative sex? Or is it that she is not mentally ready, or feels unable to enjoy it?

Suggestions will be different depending on this

What parts of sex do you (& she) miss? Do you still cuddle and touch in other ways?

Sex toys might be an option to explore together

Understandably she feels disfigured and unattractive. The stoma gets in the way of missionary-style sex, but it has affected her mentally - she is conscious of it all the time. We still cuddle in bed and do 'digital' sex (for want of a better word!), but it just isn't the same. Have got every sex toy under the sun, and they do help, but there is no substitute for normal penetrative sex. I love my partner, and wouldn't want to lose her, but I am thinking about finding some kind of surrogate partner - perhaps someone in a similar position to me - but have no idea about how to go about doing that. I draw the line at escorts etc.

This is disgusting. Your poor partner, I feel for them

Yes, you're being selfish.

I don’t think you’re being selfish, or if you are, of course you’re allowed to be!! The questions asked above are relevant, will you be able to have sex again? More importantly, does it come up in conversation? If not, I’m afraid personally I’d think it too soon but it depends on how openly you talk now, you’ve both been through a horrific time

Im not sure i understand your post. Is she well now or dying? X

How nauseatingly typical, man with poorly wife wants to find a fuck buddy because he can't take the fact his wife has been through something so traumatic that servicing him isn't her number one priority anymore.

Ugh your nauseating

No idea why you’re getting such a hard time OP. Most people would think it pretty hard to live in a sexless marriage for two years.

However, having an affair/open relationship is a) horrible and b) a recipe for your marriage to end IMO so please try to get some sort of marriage counselling to sort this out.

Just clarifying that when I say of course you’re allowed to be selfish I don’t mean of course you’re allowed to cheat or anything- just because I feel I’m reading a different op to others and am afraid you might think that’s what I’m saying

Look at this from her point of view.... she has been through a very traumatic experience.

Her body is not the same. The will affect her both mentally and physically.

What she needs from you right now is your understanding and support. Tell her you love her. Tell her you still find her attractive and be patient with her.

Yes it's not easy for either of you but this is most definitely harder on her.

She will hopefully one day get back to being ready for sex but you must be patient. Don't be a sex pest.... that's the last thing she needs.

It's also very unreasonable of you to want to loom for sex elsewhere. That will only make her feel worse and less attractive.

Why is it 'disgusting' - I lost my wife to cancer, nursed her through two mastectomies and liver cancer, then met another partner and she contracted bowel and liver cancer. I have devoted my life to her the past two years, and helped her survive this awful disease. It's cancer that is disgusting, not me. Get a life!

Ignore some of the ridiculous posts - it’s not at all selfish to want a sexual relationship with your wife. It’s how you deal with it that counts though as it’s also completely understandable that she may not want sex.

Have you tried talking to her? Ideally at a time things are calm/relaxed and sex wouldn’t be on the cards anyway. You need to find out whether she sees no sex as a permanent thing, or if she’s open to finding a way back to being comfortable/more confident in her body. How you then proceed will depend very much on what she says, but it goes without saying that there should be no pressure from you. Her feelings are understandable.

You have clearly been a devoted and loving partner to two women. Take no notice of the scathing responses here. Let them walk a mile in your shoes, eh?
Missionary is not the only position so could you gently encourage your partner to try penetrative sex in alternative positions? Folks with arthritis who can’t flex very easily for example have to try ways that are more comfortable.
Im not going to get graphic and start describing tactics, but I’m sure with patience and love you can slowly work towards a solution.
I wish you both well.

This.

I was sympathetic OP, but you lost me at this: I love my partner, and wouldn't want to lose her, but I am thinking about finding some kind of surrogate partner - perhaps someone in a similar position to me - but have no idea about how to go about doing that. I draw the line at escorts etc.

and
I have devoted my life to her the past two years, and helped her survive this awful disease. It's cancer that is disgusting, not me. Get a life!

Well done you. Isn't that what a loving husband does as standard when their partner is ill? Were you expecting a fucking medal for supporting her and having to, god forbid, masturbate for 2 years while she went to hell and back?

But you are basically saying, right oh, you're not dying anymore, you may feel like shit and self conscious, but I can't be arsed with it all now and if you're not capable of having sex with me I need to go and fuck someone else. Not keen on paying for it though (and i'm betting the cost if your only fucking issue with that!!)

That's really going to rocket your wifes self esteem isn't it? FFS.

You are a selfish, disgusting little man.

Yep!
This, 100%.

You still have a sex life.

We still cuddle in bed and do 'digital' sex

There are millions of lesbians all over the world who feel they've got an excellent sex life without a penis entering a vagina.

Swap this out for your potential future erectile dysfunction and ask yourself if you'd be happy with her seeking a surrogate penis to put in her vagina, because she couldn't handle the future without it.

There's potential for you to have an even greater sex life with your wife than the one you had prior to her traumatic illness, if you stop centering your penis, excercise more empathy and understanding for her than feeling sorry for yourself and are willing to learn about sex which isn't run of the mill and male centric.

What an incredibly difficult situation for you both, and incredibly traumatic. I can definitely see your issue in wishing to have a 'normal' (for want of a better word, and normal for you) sex life, and wanting life to go back to more the way it was.

I can also see why she'd have issues with being able to enjoy sex and her body again, with the stoma bag, and finding it all a bit much.

I think perhaps the only people that can find a solution to your mutual issues, are you. They may be a compromise, they may be unsatisfactory, but they'll be the situations you mutually discussed, and agreed to try, having acknowledged and discussed the elephant in the room that is your sex life.

Thank you for the more intelligent responses to my post, but gosh, there are some manhaters on this site aren't there! Makes we wonder what has happened (or not happened) in their past lives to make them want to spread so much hatred. To be described as a 'selfish disgusting little man' by somebody who has never met me and doesn't know the struggle I have had, or the good deeds I have done over the years, does hurt - and that clearly was the intention....

You still have a sex life. I think it's understandable if her relationship with her body and with sex have changed.

Thinking this gives you the right to cheat is abhorrent.

You want to get a fuck buddy because your wife is taking too long to recover from a serious illness.

You mowing the neighbours lawn or rescuing a kitten from a tree doesn't really make up for that.

Someone doesn't have to have a traumatic backstory to realise that you wanting to cheat on your unwell wife makes you an utter arsehole either.

Also talking about your struggles is a little selfish considering you've decided your wife's struggles aren't worth more than you having a shag.

So sorry for what your partner has gone through. There is a woman (young) on Instagram and YouTube who has a stoma bag and does lots of positive videos about sex life with a stoma. Perhaps your partner would find something like that helpful to watch? I can completely understand feeling self-conscious and unattractive after such a big change to her body but it doesn't have to be like that. Also the Radio 1 DJ Adele Roberts has a stoma bag after bowel cancer and has talked about it on her Instagram.