@EthicalNonMahogany
There are lots of ways for OP to be a good husband here, and it's possible to make a case that if he has a discreet affair he may be a better husband than if he does not.
But perhaps the partner doesn't want a husband who is not faithful, perhaps she would put up with other shit but not lack of faithfulness. That tends to be the dealbreaker for many. I wouldn't want a husband who could only be a good husband if he had a fuck buddy.
But if he has needs that I simply can't take on board, because my needs are so great, (e.g. if he needed emotional or other support or sexual support) and I just wasn't in the place to do the emotional work around it - well, would I rather he left me? Would I rather he was very unhappy?
I would rather he leave if it was me.
I suspect the moral "DO NOT LIE AND CHEAT" position that is the default on Mumsnrt is really about the gut fear we have of abandonment and losing our partners. It's not really an intellectually held stance on ethics.
I disagree.
No, people don't want to be abandoned, but they also don't want to be with cheats. Many have also seen the damage caused by cheating whether it's been done to them or someone else. I don't know if you read a thread on here a while back questioning whether cheating should be considered a crime, but it was very interesting. Obviously it would be impossible to enforce it so it couldn't be, but it's fascinating that people are allowed to lie and cheat for years or decades even and cause untold emotional damage and trauma and it's NOT a crime, because if the same damage and trauma was inflicted by other means it would be a crime. So intellectually if someone were to really think about it then the ethics of it are very much a prominent feature in why people are against it. I would also say that many who believe in ethical non monogamy would say the same, considering the name.
What you said kind of implies some kind of desperation like people want to hold onto their partners at all costs, no matter what, which isn't true for many at all.
It's a common assumption and it seems to be even more commonly assumed when the partner has been sick, like because they were sick they must desperately want to cling onto their partner and like their partner is doing them a favour if they can find a way to stay with them. It's gross.
I think OP should talk with his wife about opening things, or about finding ways to handle his sexual needs with her - as I said in my earlier post.
Absolutely. At least then his partner will get to make her own decisions, which is the only fair way.
The affair option is both risky in terms of hurting his wife more, and in terms of corroding their relationship. So it's not a good option. None of the options are great, and the affair one also leads to other shit down the line. So I don't think it's a good choice. But it is an understandable one and I'm not interested in blanket pronouncements and judgments.
Well you will have to understand, that with a username like yours you are going to get pushback, when you are saying look if you have to be unethical about it then fair enough!