Page 2 | Am I being selfish?

andrew279144 · 2023-06-05T01:46:40+00:00

My partner had stage 4 cancer two years ago - liver and bowel - four months to live. I nursed her through all of it, and thanks to wonderful Southampton General, she is, after colono-rectal surgery and stoma, now free of it. But we had a great sex life up until her surgery. Now, of course that has ended. But I miss it. Am I being unreasonable in wanting some kind of sex life, I'm sure many will label me as just a typical man wanting sex. Tired of masturbation. What should I do??

Vretz · 14/06/2023 19:17

@andrew279144 as a fellow man on here... I'd agree with the "summary" (albeit not the somewhat vile comments) message that it's probably not a good idea.

At the end of the day, this is your wife, she's clearly been through a lot. I may get bashed here as well, but sometimes you need to lead as a man and rebuild HER even if you're struggling with it all. It's the same thing as when some women have children and feel "ugly" afterwards. That's how your wife is feeling.

You probably think shes still a beautiful and attractive women, and you love her. But she doesn't FEEL that way.

Your role here is, frankly, to suck it up and get grafting. Flirt with her, date her, charm her. She is gauging YOU, and her self esteem will be based on how attractive she thinks you find her.

It feels "off" because you're missing her emotional needs here. Whilst you're concerned with the sex side of things, the emotional side of things is "off" for her because she's feeling self-conscious, and you're not addressing it with positive reinforcement and reassurance.

And yes, you'll have to persevere.

firsttimemum1230 · 14/06/2023 19:29

As a female I would also hate a sexless relationship. Infact if I go 2 weeks at the most without it with my partner I start feeling like I need it more than just want it so I imagine how you’re feeling. I can’t give you advice as I know it’ll always come back into my relationship but yours is different and I just wanted to validate your feelings. We are all human and these people aren’t in your situation

Brefugee · 14/06/2023 19:34

Thank you for the more intelligent responses to my post, but gosh, there are some manhaters on this site aren't there! Makes we wonder what has happened (or not happened) in their past lives to make them want to spread so much hatred

don't be tiresome.
Statistically you are kind of an anomaly. Women who are diagnosed with terminal or serious life-changing illness are often warned that their partner may not stay. Women on the whole tend to stay to nurse a sick partner.

So, as the others said: you can have a good but different sex life with your partner. Or you can push off into the sunset. But don't come to a board predominantely used by women, many of whom have had abusive pricks in their lives.

Comfortablechairs · 14/06/2023 19:41

Bowel Cancer UK is wonderful
https://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/
Their forum has a special private section for partners and carers. I think there is a support guide on sex. It has the most supportive forums. Non judgemental and kind. After MN, it is such a refreshing sounding board.
Go there for help and guidance, not MN

Bowel Cancer

We’re the UK’s leading bowel cancer charity. We’re determined to save lives and improve the quality of life of everyone affected by bowel cancer.

https://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk

Original poster

andrew279144 · 14/06/2023 22:23

I'm not rising to your bait - you clearly want a fight!

OP posts:

Original poster

andrew279144 · 14/06/2023 22:28

I'm new to this forum, was recommended to come here, and not really sure how it works. Have had some useful advice - thank you to those that have given it, and I will follow it up. But to the ones that have given me abuse...... just try being kind, eh?

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 14/06/2023 22:40

@andrew279144 no, you are not wrong in wanting a sex life, but yes you are wrong in looking for a “surrogate partner” whilst still being with your partner. Unless you have discussed that with her and she’s on board with you having an open marriage? If not, then you need to try and work through it with your partner and if you can’t, then you need to decide whether to continue as you are or leave and have a fulfilled sex life.

Letsbepractical · 14/06/2023 23:27

You had excellent advice from @Vretz. Listen to it.

Dery · 15/06/2023 01:48

@andrew279144 - @Vretz has nailed it. It’s understandable that you are finding the situation very difficult - you and your wife have been through a hell of a lot. Helping your wife feel secure emotionally and confident in her new body is your best shot at being able to return to having occasional penetrative sex. You taking a fuck buddy, unless she’s completely on board with that, is likely to destroy your relationship. It sounds like there’s a lot that’s good in your relationship so that would be a shame.

Groutyonehereagain · 15/06/2023 02:01

I’ve had ovarian cancer. It’s left me disfigured and not wanting sex. My DH has been amazing. We’ve both adapted to our new relationship which no longer includes sex. Not once has he made me feel bad in any way. For some couples something can happen which means no more sex. You have a choice, you either leave or you look after your partner “in sickness”. My DH chose the latter. He loves and supports me in every respect. I would do the same if it was the other way round.

Boomshock · 15/06/2023 02:09

I love my partner, and wouldn't want to lose her, but I am thinking about finding some kind of surrogate partner - perhaps someone in a similar position to me - but have no idea about how to go about doing that

Why do you feel entitled to keep your partner AND get another one?
Don't you think your partner should get to have to say in it?

Boomshock · 15/06/2023 02:16

firsttimemum1230 · 14/06/2023 19:29

As a female I would also hate a sexless relationship. Infact if I go 2 weeks at the most without it with my partner I start feeling like I need it more than just want it so I imagine how you’re feeling. I can’t give you advice as I know it’ll always come back into my relationship but yours is different and I just wanted to validate your feelings. We are all human and these people aren’t in your situation

I would hate to be in a sexless relationship too, but that wouldn't entitle me to stay in it and seek a sex partner elsewhere.
I'd have more respect for them than to do that.

Monty27 · 15/06/2023 04:18

Get an apple pie or fess up tell everyone you can't be celibate and she doesn't deserve your desire to go out and get fucked.
Nice

Aprilx · 15/06/2023 04:21

andrew279144 · 06/06/2023 14:03

Understandably she feels disfigured and unattractive. The stoma gets in the way of missionary-style sex, but it has affected her mentally - she is conscious of it all the time. We still cuddle in bed and do 'digital' sex (for want of a better word!), but it just isn't the same. Have got every sex toy under the sun, and they do help, but there is no substitute for normal penetrative sex. I love my partner, and wouldn't want to lose her, but I am thinking about finding some kind of surrogate partner - perhaps someone in a similar position to me - but have no idea about how to go about doing that. I draw the line at escorts etc.

Why don’t you do her a favour and just end it, she deserves better than you.

Caraduneytunes · 15/06/2023 04:22

… a surrogate partner? What, like Handmaid’s Tale?

yeah, that’s disgusting.

you’re treating your partner like an object, and any “surrogate partner” like an object, just to meet your needs.

get a sex robot and stop treating human beings like furniture.

Palmasailor · 15/06/2023 04:57

You’re not disgusting or even close to it.

You shouldn’t have to write off your sex life for the rest of your life because of someone else. You only live once.

To an extent / it’s your body your choice.

if it was the husband unable to perform they’d all be shouting “divorce him”

If you don’t want to write off your sex life you prob. Need an FB.

Freefall212 · 15/06/2023 05:35

andrew279144 · 14/06/2023 22:28

I'm new to this forum, was recommended to come here, and not really sure how it works. Have had some useful advice - thank you to those that have given it, and I will follow it up. But to the ones that have given me abuse...... just try being kind, eh?

I don’t know who told you to come here… that advice is like telling a woman to go to an MRA forum for advice!

This board is predominantly anti-man and see men as really existing only to meet the needs and wants of woman. There is a minority that isn’t so sexist but you will see that pretty much every thread is name calling men, blaming men, etc it is a place for women to vent their hate and disgust of men who most see as having little value beyond what they can buy or give women.

There is a lot of hate on these boards directed at men. Whoever sent you here must not really like you as they would have known you would be attacked.

monsteramunch · 15/06/2023 06:15

@Freefall212

If you feel that way about this site I genuinely cannot fathom why as a man you want to be here.

Flopsythebunny · 15/06/2023 06:17

andrew279144 · 14/06/2023 12:39

Why is it 'disgusting' - I lost my wife to cancer, nursed her through two mastectomies and liver cancer, then met another partner and she contracted bowel and liver cancer. I have devoted my life to her the past two years, and helped her survive this awful disease. It's cancer that is disgusting, not me. Get a life!

Thank god my husband has more about him than you do!
He lost his first wife to cancer, met and married me some years later.
I was then diagnosed with cancer. We haven't been able to have full sex for 5 years and for most of that 5 years I haven't been well enough, physically and mentally for any kind of sex. But, do you know what? We love each other.
I feel incredibly guilty about our lack of sex life but he reassures me that I am more important to him than anything else .

Freefall212 · 15/06/2023 06:19

monsteramunch · 15/06/2023 06:15

@Freefall212

If you feel that way about this site I genuinely cannot fathom why as a man you want to be here.

I am not a man. Not sure where you got that from?!

Alstoybarn · 15/06/2023 06:22

This cannot be real. If it is you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself. Do her a favour and leave.

monsteramunch · 15/06/2023 06:22

Oh sorry @Freefall212 I must have you mixed up with another poster's username, apologies.

I still don't understand why you'd be so present on a site you believe to be so hateful but it is of course your prerogative to be here.

Caraduneytunes · 15/06/2023 06:23

Why don’t you just split up, then?

surely It’s more honorable to leave a relationship when there’s a dead bedroom than find someone else and cheat.

Alstoybarn · 15/06/2023 06:23

Vretz · 14/06/2023 19:17

@andrew279144 as a fellow man on here... I'd agree with the "summary" (albeit not the somewhat vile comments) message that it's probably not a good idea.

At the end of the day, this is your wife, she's clearly been through a lot. I may get bashed here as well, but sometimes you need to lead as a man and rebuild HER even if you're struggling with it all. It's the same thing as when some women have children and feel "ugly" afterwards. That's how your wife is feeling.

You probably think shes still a beautiful and attractive women, and you love her. But she doesn't FEEL that way.

Your role here is, frankly, to suck it up and get grafting. Flirt with her, date her, charm her. She is gauging YOU, and her self esteem will be based on how attractive she thinks you find her.

It feels "off" because you're missing her emotional needs here. Whilst you're concerned with the sex side of things, the emotional side of things is "off" for her because she's feeling self-conscious, and you're not addressing it with positive reinforcement and reassurance.

And yes, you'll have to persevere.

This. High five to you.

Freefall212 · 15/06/2023 06:31

monsteramunch · 15/06/2023 06:22

Oh sorry @Freefall212 I must have you mixed up with another poster's username, apologies.

I still don't understand why you'd be so present on a site you believe to be so hateful but it is of course your prerogative to be here.

It may seem unfathomable to you but there are women who don't hate men. Not hating men doesn't mean I can't be a woman!

If there aren't other voices raised amongst hate, then hate flourishes even more. There can be vulnerable men or impressionable women posting and for them to get at least a post or two that men aren't a useless waste of space for even existing unless everything they do is to meet a woman's wants and needs can go a long way. I don't really care if other woman want to run me off the board for not joining in on hating men and spewing name calling, vitriol, hate, blame, spite, and sexist attitudes and stereotypes about men but yes, I can post here too.

I also try to do the same on boards where I see name calling, vitriol, blame, spite, and sexist attitudes towards women. That hate is also wrong, just like the hate on here. The comments on both boards are almost identical - just different sexes are the focus of the hate but the content and hateful ideas themselves look very, very similar.