Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

His shoes were a part of him and tickets and that I can understand in a round about way as they have emotion and memories. But random crap from charity shops and car boot that’s someone else’s memories I’m not getting. Is he just addicted to buying stuff and having stuff?

YES. That is what hoarding is. It is an addiction to buying, a NEED to have and hold onto Stuff. This is why we've been telling you that this cannot be fixed with organisation, just like you can't fix an alcoholic by giving them alcohol-free beer. It takes time, therapy, mental health support and constant work FOR LIFE. The same way that an addict always has to be wary of a relapse - a hoarder is the same. And as someone else mentioned upthread - the relapse rate for hoarders is incredibly high, if they ever get help at all.

Have you had a look through this link at all OP?

It's a serious addiction that requires intense, ongoing therapy from a willing participant determined to change.

It's very rare that the outcome is successful.

You're trying to apply logic and reason to an addiction that has an absence of both.

It's like saying 'why can't you just have a little bit of heroin once a week' to a heroin addict.

Not sure if already linked here but......

Yes, that's the exact problem.
He is just addicted to having possessions and retaining possessions.

He is incapable of throwing things out, just as a drug addict cannot just decide one day never to use heroin again.

This is entrenched behaviour, hard-wired into him.

And at the risk of sounding like a broken record, you cannot apply logic to hoarding.

What you believe is reasonable is not how his belief system works.

And if you and your mother succeed in throwing some of his stuff out, he'll just replace it with something else.

Right. So I thought this was a quirk but it’s hoarding again. I found he was stashing snacks and sweets on top of the kitchen cupboard. When I spoke to him he said that it was because we were eating everything and when he wanted something it was gone. The thing is by the time “he might want it” it’s gone out of date. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I thought we have been eating everything. I’ve been up there yesterday and it’s a whole shopping bag full and 30% already out of date. He says he just likes the idea it’s there for when he needs it.
Im so so tired and struggling to come to terms with this.

Here is the Priory talking about a shopping addiction.

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/compulsive-shopping-and-spending-a-sign-of-shopping-addiction#:~:text=When%20we%20make%20a%20purchase,control%20and%20practical%20financial%20considerations.

I think many of us can relate to the risk of over doing shopping, and over spending.

What most of us do is recycle by divesting ourselves of the excess, even if it means we have wasted money.

Your baby daddy is aquiring others cast offs to recycle in projects and a few hundred years ago this would be normal (ish), even expected.
But with the amount of stuff in circulation now it's creating these super hoarders.

Increasingly I am buying 100 percent recycled materials and products which is a fantastic trend.

Is there any way you can encourage him to turn his worrying tendencies into a virtuous cycle via a job in recycling or mending?

What does he do for work?

He said he used to do a bit of buying and selling. But he forgot to do the selling part!

You still have a choice even now. You can choose to not accept him along with his ever present hoard.

You obviously don't understand hoarding either........

https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/job-profiles/recycling-officer

I do have a choice. I’m stuck on the anger over the lamp base. I’m shocked. I have been living with a stranger really with a great big secret.

This isn't a workable solution to the problem.

A hoarder can't compartmentalise their compulsion into working hours.

It is all consuming and personal, not something they can get a fix of in a productive way then set aside at their convenience.

I understand you're trying to provide a positive solution but when it comes to hoarding behaviours, suggesting this kind of role is like suggesting an alcoholic works in a pub serving other people drinks to avoid getting drunk themselves.

It will only be a new source of them finding stuff to hoard personally.

You obviously don't understand hoarding either........

There are several hundred posts here explaining it so unless you are only expecting posters to repeat the same thing over and over I'm not going to add to them. And I haven't missed them either, so your patronising post is of no use to me or anyone else.

I'm actually answering OPs questions and reading her replies instead of the OCD repetition the thread has descended into.

You can ignore me, if you are able to.

I don't know how to make you understand, OP.
This is not a quirk, but a very severe mental illness.

You cannot fix it. Throwing his stuff out will not fix it.

You cannot apply logic to this.

Hoarding is his life. Be well assured that he will not change, and that the hoard will always come first.

People have stopped posting on this thread because they're frustrated with you. You seen to be willfully misunderstanding everything we're saying.

I'm almost at the end of my own reserves now.

Please read what has been written and stop trying to apply logic to a severe and enduring mental illness.

I've seen hoarding in two homes where children lived it's terrifying, one was a fire hazard. While husband filled the place with so much stuff it was a maze his wife cooked for four on a baby belling on the only space left in the kitchen.

Another family the gerbils had died in their cage and the husband refused to let anyone deal with that.

I really think that him moving back into his own home is the only way to stop his issue becoming your issue and even worse, your child's issue.

She will end up living in chaos with a mum incredibly stressed out by her stepdad and it is unfair to her completely.

Is this something you're willing to ask him to do in order to safeguard your mental health, home and child?

If he's a decent man then he will still be an active coparent whether he lives with you or not.

If he's a decent man then he will still be an active coparent whether he lives with you or not.

Exactly. OP has seen his good side.

She's said repeatedly that he's not staying with the hoard.

Hoarding disorder is an ongoing difficulty throwing away or parting with possessions because you believe that you need to save them. You may experience distress at the thought of getting rid of the items. You gradually keep or gather a huge number of items, regardless of their actual value.

Its also a recognised mental health disorder now seen as being separate from OCD.

He felt some need to rescue and or save you but a person cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. In turn you perhaps think you somehow "owe" him for helping you and now you're in too deep or so you think.

But OP doesn't sound ready to admit they cannot live together due to his hoarding.

I think she is (understandably) clinging onto the idea that she can reason with him and make him see sense. But addition isn't logical.

OP the longer he stays with you in your home, the more his hoard will encroach on your space and therefore your child's. And she doesn't have a choice about who is in her space.

I really think that having him officially move back to his asap is crucial.

When you want someone there overnight, where you live does actually become a matter of where most of your stuff is.

Her priority is having him there overnight.

@Onetwothree45 Onetwothree45 But has he been keeping it secret from you though? It doesn't sound like it.
More that you haven't seen it for what it is.