Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

You need to ready yourself that he may choose his 'stuff' over you and your DC.

Get your ducks in a row for which benefits you can claim if you live by yourself.

Please stand firm on this. My DH had a really shitty childhood due to his father's hoarding

"I don’t want years of the same argument and having to sneak around disposing stuff though".

But you're already doing this and you could be doing this too for many more years. His hoard will always take precedence over you and your children.

What does your daughter see at home, can you not see this through her eyes?. She will and indeed has likely picked up on all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to this chaos (and this is chaos with you firefighting every crisis) going on around her. None of her friend's mothers have to shred packaging like you do for instance.

She is not aware. I have to say other families are not perfect. We have many in her class from broken homes. One family staying together despite the husband having multiple affairs. One has a problem with alcohol. I try not to compare Life is not perfect for many. I’m not excusing tho, I have already agreed that it’s not great and it makes me feel anxious thinking about the future, at the moment it’s not that bad but if it continues then problems would arise.

Unfaithful, alcoholic or hoarding partners all cause problems for the kids.

Children are much more likely to grow up with mental health problems if they have a parent with a mental health problem.

Even if they manage to avoid it, it’s an awful, shameful thing to grow up with.

@Mirabai she doesn’t have a chance then as I have ptsd from the abuse of my ex husband. That doesn’t mean I don’t do the absolute best I can.

I completely see what you want to leave. As always, it’s the finances that are the complicating matter-many couples can’t afford to separate and run two households, so a plan is needed for how that can be achieved-it might take some time.

You may think she is not aware but I would beg to differ. She knows something is wrong here; she has seen you crying and being preoccupied. Sound also travels.

Better to be also from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

Has your PTSD been properly addressed by professional mental health people?. Were you ever told about the Freedom Programme in reference to the abuse?.

The finances are quite the complication aren't they.

Your baby daddy however is going to be running two households on one income if he lives full time with you as he has the cost of running a home for his hoard.

That's not someone I would willingly commit to merging household finances with as he's got a very expensive hobby. If he became unable to work the liability continues as the hoard storage house is very illiquid. It's not like it's a vintage car collection with recognized value.

Men become obsessed with their hobbies, but this one is very challenging financially, you really do need to do the maths and understand the impact on you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat she was at her dads at the weekend so she wasn’t around and I don’t cry in front of her. Anyway not the point. And yes ive done the freedom programme and sort therapy. I’m a hell of a lot better. I just don’t compare to others as there is much going on behind the scenes in many homes. Me and my daughter have a great relationship and Ive done the best I can via court making her life as safe as possible as I will continue.

@Scyla he really wants to rent it out. I’ve told him the choice. The stuff is not coming in it’s current state so he needs to do the math. He has realised that either renting storage or keeping the house is either or, his mortgage is only £40,000. At least he has done something good and overpaid his mortgage so not much left.

Even if you do not cry in front of her she is seeing you otherwise busy and or preoccupied. You may think you have a great relationship with her and you likely do. Do not jeopardise that by further accommodating your man and his ever present hoard in your home. Its not his home; its yours and your children's residence. They need to feel safe in it as do you.

Much has happened in her young life already and she has had a lot to deal with, a process which is very much ongoing. You are an adult with agency and can make choices re this man, she cannot.

That's brilliant @Onetwothree45

absolutely everyones life has challenges, no one is perfect. But, and I can say this based on 20+ years of experience and with total confidence, he will never stop hoarding. he cant. so either you decide you can live with that and work out ways to manage it between you which will require you to act as "the parent" and him "the child" or you cut your losses right now. You cannot fix this.

I know of families that have managed the situation but it is incredibly stressful day to day. some adopt the one in one out policy and have to check bags, car boot, every thing each time the person comes and goes. some have the every six months skip and bin the lot, no sorting and the hoarder has to be away from the property whilst the dumping takes place.

His house is likely in no fit state to be rented out given that in your own words "it is only 30% empty".

Just a point that I forgot to add, if you do decide to live full time with this man then be prepared for the involvement of social services. every hoarding case I have dealt with where there have been children in the house, they have been brought in. The hoarders actions have a detrimental effect on the children because they feel a massive loss of personal space and feel unable to invite friends over, have sleep overs etc. instead of their homes being their safe space it becomes somewhere they dread being in and where they feel unable to live as they would want to.

OP no-one is saying you're a bad person or a bad parent or anything like that. People are trying desperately to save you, your daughter and the new baby from having to go through what they went through with their hoarder.
EVEN IF he clear out his house to rent it out and EVEN IF he moves in with barely anything and EVEN IF he swears on his child's life that he won't hoard anymore - he will. Because he literally cannot help it. Until he deals with whatever underlying compulsion/trauma/experience/whatever that causes him to hoard - he will not stop. He will fill the new house with stuff. It'll be slow, subtle but it will happen. Hoarding is (in my opinion anyway) so much harder to treat than some other addictions like alcohol or drugs. Because it seems so harmless, it's not hurting or damaging anyone. But all the damage is invisible. It's the shame your child feels when they can't have play dates or birthday parties at their own home. It's the guilt you feel as you watch the house fill up. It's not being able to invite other Mums in for coffee because there's boxes of Stuff everywhere. It's feeling the internal dread as he comes home with another small thing "that might be useful one day" or something for a projecct that'll never get done. It's seeing your lovely house disappear behind Stuff. It's the worry as you get older of "What if one of us falls?" "What if the ambulance crew can't get through the stuff easily?" "What if there's a fire? The halls are narrow because there's Stuff."

That might be worst case scenario. But that's the gamble you're taking.

Oh his house currently is terrible. He has turned out everything really so the drawers and cupboards are all over the floor. It’s full of garage stuff really so car and van bits everywhere. To be fair to him he has made a very large pile of get rid ofs and a scrap metal pile. He has sold most of the furniture, lots of his hobby bikes and pictures and pool table etc. It’s that crap that’s spread that’s come out the drawers I’m wondering what his plan is. His mum came and binned all the packages and bottles so that’s gone. But like you said there is still the person who likes to collect constantly.

I have a feeling he is on the spectrum. The way he is, he can’t stand certain feelings of clothes. He lists everything and always over explains. Gets fixed on certain things and doesn’t stop talking about it.

My sister who was a hoarder was autistic.
I am also autistic but I'm not a hoarder.

Anyway - all I'm reading from your latest posts is your belief that all he has to do is sort out his hoard and all will be well.
That isn't how it works. Disposing of the hoard is exquisitely painful and impossible for a hoarder. They just can't do it. It's agony for them. Trying to figure out whether or not to throw out an old bus ticket from years ago causes extreme distress.

You're still not getting it, OP. Do you really think that this man won't feel compelled to replace any of his crap?

How many storage lockers does he currently rent, and what's in them?

all I'm reading from your latest posts is your belief that all he has to do is sort out his hoard and all will be well.

Indeed. You want to bring order and logic to his hoarding disorder, but you can't.

You may think we are all catastrophising, and it really isn't that bad, but believe us it will not be sorted. It will not stop.

"It’s that crap that’s spread that’s come out the drawers I’m wondering what his plan is"

His plan?
You don't honestly think he has a plan?
He'll spend ages looking at his stuff, then he'll shove it somewhere, anywhere, and keep it.

Yes sounds like he's 'stirring'.

@TheShellBeach he doesn’t have any storage lockers. The garage had lots of wood and tyres and alloys for the car, he sold most of those. 2 trailers, sold them both, several push bikes, sold half and mini motors sold 2 out of 4 and the ride on mower has been sold. The garage shed is half empty and the other half he sent to the top. He doesn’t have so much trouble with that. It’s the things like an old theme park ticket or restaurant menu he visited. If it was organised it wouldn’t be so bad.

Churning.
Moving things around but not actually getting rid of any of them.

When we (naively) got a skip and threw a load of my sister's stuff out, years ago, before we understood hoarding, we didn't know that she would go out to the skip in the night and carry as much as she could back into the house.

This was at a time when her children had been taken into care because of her hoarding.

But only the hoard mattered.

Your bloke is churning. And nothing will actually change.

I think I'm out. I wish you well OP, I really do, but you aren't getting it at all. He might clear it all for now and you will be so pleased that you were right and we were so wrong but in five years time your house will look like his is now.

Oh the stuff from the drawers and the endless fish tank crap he definitely is just moving around. But I’m not taking it in.