Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

It's not going in there til it's organised and the rubbish thrown

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Why are you so stuck on the idea that organizing the shite is necessary? Will male a difference? Is a sustainable plan going forward?

Do you not see that he can't distinguish between necessary items and rubbish? It's all necessary, in his head.

You can not let him have ANY of this crap, organised or jumbled up, anywhere on your property. If you give him a square inch, he will take all the square yards there are, and before you know it you won't be able to see the floor anywhere. You have to make a stand for normalcy and reality here.

The garage must be emptied, the shed must be emptied, the drawers must be emptied, and the loft too. His stuff must all return to his own house. You must make a rule that not a single item of his stays in your house, shed, garage, loft, or garden apart from a couple of changes of underwear, pajamas, spare set of clothes, and a toothbrush.

Bless you OP. You're sleep deprived with a baby not sleeping, another child and now this. Well done for taking on what's happened.

Try to ignore those who pop up in response to your first post and haven't read the thread and followed your realisation of what's been happening. What needs to happen now? There are some very wise posters here with a lot of knowledge about hoarders and others very good in helping women establish boundaries. How can we help?

Still no mention of this man accessing treatment

@mathanxiety OP is scrabbling around in her mind to make the hoarding seem normal. She wants this man, so her thinking is, if it all gets sorted out into some kind of order and the more obvious rubbish discarded, she can learn to live with it.

And her children in turn will have to learn to live with it, a life where his hoard reigns supreme.

Treatment for hoarding disorder is known to be largely unsuccessful.

Even if a hoarder asks for help, when they're challenged to throw away part of the hoard, they falter.

Even if they throw something out, they acquire more things to take its place.

YYY.

It's her own approach to all of this that needs to be sorted out, particularly in light of her previous experience of an abusive relationship.

She needs to examine why she is so willing to accept crap of various kinds in her life and why she thinks it's OK to ask her children to live with the crap too.

I am an ex Environmental health officer. one of our roles was to deal with hoarders because their properties would often pose a public health risk to neighbours or themselves. it was our job to clear them out and over the years I have done this to many. Hand on heart, every single one that we cleared was full up of rubbish in less than a year. Lots of mental health support, social services, housing officers and all sorts involved plus family and friends. yet still, every single one full to bursting within a year. It is a mental illness. he has no control. even with therapy and help he still might be just as bad. you have years and years and years of this. your children will stop asking friends over to play when they start school. you will not be able to have other mums and friends over. the house will start to smell. he might go on to skip diving and bring back stuff infested with mites, woodworm etc that will then go on to wreck the nice things that you have that are still left.

His behaviour is NOT NORMAL. he has a mental illness and he needs help. you have to decide if you want to carry on like this and worse in the hope he gets help and it works or whether to cut and run now. personally, having been involved with hoarders for so many years for me the choice would be very simple.

My late father was an environmental health officer and he dealt with the infamous Mr. Trebus.

For years and years.........................Mr. Trebus was actually a very charming man (DH and I sometimes had lunch with him on Sundays when he went to the YMCA) but he was never able to throw any of his hoard away.

I do recall that when he was finally placed in a care home, he was a very popular resident, although he collected cutlery and condiments, and hoarded them in his bedside locker.

I also recall him telling me that he felt very sad when he was advised to throw out his stuff. He said "people do not understand".

OP - if you do not heed all the advice you've had on this thread, your children are at risk.

Ah Mr trebus. He looked like he had a few tales to tell.

He certainly did.

I remember Mr Trebus from the documentary, we do use his name a lot as a warning that stuff needs to be removed, in fact I think two of my brothers are Trebus apprentices (and I don't say that lightly). I remember being part fascinated and part horrified watching the TV, but now I know more about the condition I just feel sad for him.

Op's stuck in the sunk cost fallacy.

She's effectively hoarding this man as she's invested time and emotions in him and doesn't want to throw that away.

The time has gone, the emotions gone, don't use them to justify another five years, or even six months.

Sunk cost fallacy

the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

That is truly stunningly insightful!

God love you. You are in such a difficult position but once children come into the picture, the hoarder has to go. It’s so so damaging.

My parents are hoarders, dad especially thinks everything is ‘valuable’ if he paid money for it. God help us if we ever have to clear the house out, it will take years.

Yes, life must be wonderful if you never make a mistake or do anything unwise. Very few of us are that clever, so we should all bow down to those who are.🙄

Thank you for your comprehensive post yesterday at 22:58 @Elleherd . Sorry I haven’t responded earlier, I have been at work. I’m sorry to hear about the combined traumas you suffered. You explain well how being deprived of certain commodities in early life has made you susceptible to collecting them later on. I wonder whether being deprived of nurturing care early on makes also people more likely to become hoarders. Of course this deprivation can happen without people becoming hoarders. Then there’s the genetics- having a hoarder parent. But then again plenty on this thread have said their hoarding parent has given them an allergy to clutter. It is quite complex.

@TheShellBeach your dad must have had a few tales to tell. And the patience of a saint, if he is the guy featured in Mr Trebus, a life of grime.

I have to say some people are talking about me like I’m not a real person. I’m not perfect I make mistakes.

I think people are genuinely concerned OP. @Scyla 's post has hit the nail on the head. Read about sunk cost fallacy. You need to split from this man and move on with your life. He really will never change, rather his hoarding will get worse.

do you think continuing to live apart is workable?

Financially much tougher but perhaps an option.

It is difficult when you love someone and have been through a lot. I’m suffering with chronic fatigue and anemia so I am struggling, he does not complain about any of it. It’s horrible that he has this illness. I feel sad for him that he needs to feel such issues. I’ve had my own issues and I know just how awful anxiety is. I’ve spent over a decade working on mine and am such a different person to who I was. It is difficult when so much has been invested and the person behind the illness is actually such a lovely person. We’ve got some really great memories all together and a lot of similar hobbies and interests. Hoarding not being one of them. I kind of need his help with the baby. She is extremely difficult. Has terrible reflux and allergies to milk and soya. She cried 90% of the day and night. I’m not sure at the moment I could do it alone, especially at night.

That's a hell of a lot to take on OP. How realistic is it that you could insist that he shifts all his stuff back to his own place so that your house is safe, hygienic and feels a pleasant place to live? It doesn't stop him staying over / being a parent but establishes a boundary about what's acceptable in your space?

You're in challenging circumstances but as your earlier posts have shown, his hoard is causing you grief and stress. Lots of posters who have lived with / are the children of hoarders have explained what a miserable experience it is to live with a hoarder.

No, he didn't feature on the programme.
He knew Mr. Trebus years before the programme was made.