Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

Hoarding is a mental health condition and unfortunately there is no easy fix. There is meaning and emotions in every item and sometimes the person will feel like without the item they won't have the memories or that they are saying goodbye to the person who gave it to them. Many times it's triggered by a trauma the person has gone through.
Forcing him to get rid of the stuff is not the answer either and in a lot of cases actually causes the hoarding to get worse.
The best thing he can do is seek mental health support asap and may need to pay privately to see a psychologist.
You need to also consider to what extent you are happy to have this in your life because it is a vicious circle that may never truly be fixed.

It’s really complex trying to explain what the stuff represents to an individual, but it’s unlikely he originally bought edible stuff intending to keep it as mementos. It has been saved and now become a memento.
The sensible way of seeing it is people with hoarding disorder have a serious MH condition that they generally try to ignore, bury, and live round.
Up to a point they manage that, but because the actual core problem that’s compelling them to do it isn’t being dealt with, the symptoms (which is the acquisition and/or retaining of excessive amounts of stuff) become more and more obvious until it can’t really be hidden anymore.
The thing that generally causes so much shame and distress eventually forces attention onto the person who is trying to hide what is happening to them.

At that point people either defend themselves by becoming angry and unreasonable, or they, distance themselves so they’re not affecting others (for now) and often collapse inward.

Some, from both groups recognize their own insanity and start looking for help and or self-help.

There’s a lot of hyperbole on here, but there is also the very simple fact that currently you can’t make the plan you had work, because it isn’t workable with where he is currently at.
It doesn’t have to be a total disaster. Recognize it, learn about hoarding if you want to keep the relationship, and make a different plan taking into account his MH condition, that might allow you all to move forward safely.

Lots of people, including others on MN like myself, live in clean normal enough homes, while managing this condition and working towards freeing ourselves from it.

He has filled his clothes drawers in the bedroom with hundreds of chargers and cables so his clothes just don’t fit. I’ve asked him to sort it but just says I need it all where it is.

I couldn't live like this and certainly not put my kids through this.

Sorry OP, I hope you can find a way out of it. It must be so stressful what with having a 7-year-old and a baby. Wishing you luck.

You really need to focus on your children. You have lots of questions and are upset and confused and worried about the future. But it comes down to this:

• Living with a hoarder is unsafe for your children;
• It will have a hugely detrimental effect on your children's mental health as they grow up (and potentially their physical health); and
• It will probably have a very big negative impact on their relationship with you.

You can't in good conscience open your children's home to this. A different, smaller, cheaper home with one non-hoarding parent (who isn't mentally/emotionally drained by her partners hoarding) is better than a bigger home with a hoarder.

You are finding this difficult but now is the time to do something about it, before he has properly moved in. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

As others have said, stay together if you want to, but live separately and have a strict rule that he must never bring possessions to your home, other than those he needs to stay over - change of clothes, toothbrush.

Your poor children, OP.

please don't subject them to this, they will not benefit in any way from being surrounded by unhealthy volumes of clutter. You don't have to live with him to have a relationship. Your children must come first.

I’ve suspected something for a while. Some like ADHD. He really isn’t a bad person but he does have to some what feel to me strange ways. He hates the way things feel. He has the same pillow and same towel for over a decade because he only likes the way they feel. He will only wear one pair of shoes till they break. He has work trousers that really are way past it years back but he will only wear those ones. He has many more new ones but will not entertain wearing them until they really are what he feels are worn out. His feet are constantly tapping, it drives me mad sometimes. He has 100’s of projects on the go but can’t complete or start them as it’s overwhelming.

@VDisappointing , thanks. I don't think I have ADHD, but a friendly acquaintance said it was due to trauma, and another friend said it's a form of depression. I struggle with friendships and relationships, and I think it's because I didn't learn how to set boundaries as a child.

@TooJoy , if I start, I end up just moving stuff from one room to another. The stuff is everywhere. There isn't really a surface or floor anywhere. I either have to turn sideways to walk along paths, or clamber over stuff. Even my bed has stuff on it. The stairs have stuff on them.

the children are absolutely fine at the moment. I’ve made him take a lot of stuff back and said it’s not coming until it’s organised. Most of the other crap is shoved now in the shed and garage.I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I’ve bought him some shelving units and boxes for the shed to put his stuff away properly. Which means now dragging everything back out the shed. He has to look at every item and strip it of the useful things. It’s really only just dawned on me what a problem he really has. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable asking for a house with stuff sorted and organised away. I can’t get into the shed it’s just thrown in there, it’s pointless and he ends up buying another as he can’t find what he wants. You are all right in that he absolutely can’t see a problem in his stuff. I don’t see how he can’t see that sorting it before bringing it will make is so much easier.

He doesn't have to be a bad person to make him the sort of person you can't live with.

One of two of those traits would probably annoy and frustate you after a while but put them all together whilst in your home/sanctuary would send a lot of people over the edge. However hoarding can become dangerous to small children.

Btw he won't ever empty his house for rental. He can't, so don't rely on that money. But he can fill up your house as well to make two houses unlivable.

The trouble is that you can see how much easier life is if things are sorted.
He cannot see this.
Hoarders generally do not see mess or clutter.

It’s like talking to a brick wall.

It is never going to be organised and put away because there will be more stuff and more stuff each time he fills a storage unit or shelf. It will not end. It will not be tidy.

He is a hoarder. It is bordering abusive to your children if you make them live in a home like that.

The thing is OP, that having him temporarily put things in the shed isn't going to have any impact on his long term hoarding. He will keep bringing things to the house and it when the shed is full, it will come into the house. You seem to have your head in the sand about what hoarding is. It isn't a bad habit.

Someone said something profound (to me anyway) earlier, I think it was Atilla the meerkat.

His relationship and love is with his hoard, not you. He will not leave his hoard or get rid of it to make you happy because he loves his hoard more. Or words to that effect.

I think that is the crux of the matter, and OP cannot make him love her more than his hoard.

@Onetwothree45 what are his good points ? He must have lots or you surely wouldn't put up with this as he sounds a bloody nightmare

I don’t see how he can’t see that sorting it before bringing it will make is so much easier
@Onetwothree45 it's natural to think/feel that if you could only find the right words, or find a way to make him see then he would realise how irrational his behaviour is and he would stop.
But I dont think it works like that, I think it's more that his behaviour is driven by powerful & deeply ingrained compulsions, to him it feels like the rational thing to do because it's what makes him feel safe/normal.

I take it he owns his house OP if he was thinking of renting it out, do you own yours? I would give him three weekends to get all of his stuff back to his own house, where he needs to live until he gets some help for this MH issue, anything left over after three weekends is fair game to bin. Social services will end up involved if your house becomes unsafe for the kids due to all his crap in the house. The house will fill up slowly, you won’t even notice till it’s too late. It’s unfair on your kids to force them to live like this just because you don’t want to ask him to leave

As I think at least one PP has said, you might as well say you don’t see why an alcoholic can’t see that having one drink a couple of times a week at most is better.

Hoarding is a very serious mental illness and if he hasn’t even reached the first stage of treatment (admitting he has a problem), there may be nothing you can do other than minimise the effects on you and your children.

You need to face up to the fact that renting out his property isn’t happening and unless you tell him to move out, he’s going to cram just as much junk into your house. His behaviour either already amounts to child abuse or is teetering on the edge. The question now is whether or not you are going to enable him or instead choose to protect your children.

Sadly, there is no magic bullet to change his behaviour.

I've known two hoarders: my late mother, and a friend of my ex.

He won't change. The hoard is everything. I'm sure he likes you and his child, but he loves the hoard, the hoard is what matters and what must be protected and nurtured. You know already that he's putting your child at risk, but to him that's less of a concern than any threat to the hoard.

It's a really serious, life ruining mental illness and even if you'd let yourself be dragged down into it you know you can't do that to your children. He doesn't even acknowledge it's any kind of issue, let alone be any way along the long and terrible road to try to address it.

Get him and his shit out.

They won't be.

I could list multiple injuries such as falling through a fishtank hidden under stuff in the garden where the treatment was a plaster and a punch in the side of the head for destroying her fishtank. Or the coffee table shoved slightly to the side in front of two massive sets of shelves and the TV because I had so stupidly, aged 18 months, tripped over something in the 12 inches wide path through the front room and smashed my temple into the corner. Or my sister's multiple hospital admissions for asthma because there was one tiny scrap of the front room that could be vacuumed. Or wondering why my friend's houses in the street were bigger when they were exactly the same design, why carpet went all the way to the sides and that you could see walls. Why every wall had to be lined with at least two layers of furniture and a pile of Stuff. Why their stairs seemed huge and didn't have piles of Stuff on every step you had to pick your way past. Why theirs didn't have holes in the floorboards and they could go barefoot without getting filthy or needing nails or screws dug out from their heels. How they could physically get into the bath.

I was blamed for everything. I was accused of stealing, told I ruined everything. Everybody she met was told how I ruined her house. And finally, after decades, I was nearly blinded by her in one of her rages - of course, she had a convenient weapon to hand - gardening tools, as it happened. In front of the understairs cupboard and underneath 30 year old coats, but immediately to hand for her to go for my face. 4mm higher and it wouldn't have been a massive black eye, it would have been no eye.

She liked it like that. She'd watch hoarder TV and say she didn't see the problem with their places or that hers was nothing like theirs because she had better Stuff - or not enough.

The Stuff was her true love. Always was.

I hope you’re no contact now and that your eye is ok. You came so close to serious injury so many times. I’m sorry you went through that.

@Onetwothree45

You do realise he will NEVER sort out his stuff unless he gets well which he won't because he doesn't think he has a problem.

Please please tell him to leave and take his stuff with him.

You must get him to take all of his stuff back - absolutely everything- tell him to book a van and so it.

tell him he has 6 months to declutter his place and then you review whether the relationship etc can restart - if he has a clear house and no garage and lock up full.

m I guarantee he will choose his stuff over his child. Read the posts. Don’t help him sort it - I tried with my friend did 20 years it didn’t work.

her poor daughter wanted to get out the front door and the two sister took a car load of 1970/ s magazine to the recycling. Mum went absolutely bananas and was abusive to them for a while / just don’t do it

OP he's not going to sort or organise his stuff. He's just not. Because it doesn't need sorting. He NEEDS it all and sorting it just isn't going to happen.

This compulsion to keep Stuff is a mental illness. It's not going to be fixed by you buying shelves or putting things in the shed. That's putting a bandaid on a stab wound - it's a temporary fix. Until he can admit he has a problem, seek help and then LET STUFF GO this is going to be your life. Your children's life. Think about what might happen if one of the children ruins one of his Things? Will he accept that happily? Or will he lash out? All this Stuff has value to him & at the moment it has enough value to him that he is unwilling to change anything.

He will never sort out his stuff. Do you really want to live together with him rather than in 2 separate places and come together (without any of his stuff) for a few days a week.

A lot of hoarders have an enabler at home too who tolerates it. Try not to be that person. Why should your garage and shed be full of his stuff?

Setting up storage space won’t stop the behaviour the same way removing tap handles won’t stop OCD hand washing. There is also research to show that hoarding disorder is more common among relatives of a hoarding sufferer. Which means you do need to pay attention as your child develops in later teens as well.