Page 3 | Husband angry all the time

FeelingLowLowLow · 2023-06-03T21:04:50+00:00

Any advice mumsnetters? My husband seems to be permanently angry. At me. At our dc. At his colleagues at work. At his mum. So fed up with it. Am wondering if this is a sign of a mid life crisis? Does anyone have any tips to make life easier other than LTB?!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 07:59

"Thank you for being so kind. I think he is looking for any excuse to be angry at me. He won't say he wants out, but I think he sees me as a weak pathetic piece of poo and I worry about how vengeful he's going to be if I try and leave".

This also makes me think he knows all what he is doing here and is in control. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and he's now crossed that line.

Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 08:18

After a night of very little sleep I have decided that I can no longer keep trying. I've been back from a work trip away for 2 days and if anything he is worse than when I left. Last night he told me I was weak and pathetic because the babysitter asked if he had put me on the car insurance for the new car he bought whilst I was away, and I said that I didn't know. I hadn't asked because when I saw the new car on Thursday night I asked where it had come from and he exploded and had a go at me for asking. So I didn't dare ask about it again. He did finally tell me some details last night but I don't think it was the truth. I will tell him to go to the doctors but have little hope that he will be anything other than angry again.

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Couldyounot · 04/06/2023 08:27

This is no way for you to live 😕. Hypertension may explain some of it but not all of it (my BP peaked at 170/115 before I got the meds right and it didn't make me behave like this). Can you have a "get this sorted out or fuck off" conversation? Asking nicely hasn't worked

Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 08:30

Couldyounot · 04/06/2023 08:27

This is no way for you to live 😕. Hypertension may explain some of it but not all of it (my BP peaked at 170/115 before I got the meds right and it didn't make me behave like this). Can you have a "get this sorted out or fuck off" conversation? Asking nicely hasn't worked

I'm planning on this. Because I can't wake up dreading the day every single day. And I've had enough now. Telling me I was weak and pathetic for not asking him when he was already livid at me asking has been the final straw. No more.

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Tangelablue · 04/06/2023 08:35

How are your children coping with all of this? Has there been any changes with their sleep, concentration, behaviour, emotions? It sounds like you give so much of yourself to trying to be there for you husband, do you have anything left to give towards supporting your children?
Stop pandering to his anger, trying to get him to hug you while he's treating you the way he is, what kind of example is that setting. Start walking away, tell him you won't be around him while he's like this and show him you are not pathetic. I know this is easier said than done but there are domestic abuse agencies out there who can offer you and your children support.

Merrydance · 04/06/2023 08:50

Sounds a bit like my DH but he was not directly angry at DC, just me and the world. For years I tried to be supportive due to work stress he was under and ensure he had little to do at home in order to reduce stress. Me and the DC tried to adapt our behaviours to help avoid him being angry. He got a less stressful job, I enabled all the things that he said would make him happier but the anger continued. That is when I became resentful of him and upset about how he marred the DCs childhood and expected me to always be calm.It has damaged our marriage and my respect for him
I had previously asked him to see his GP regarding his MH. He refused saying this was his personality and I should love him regardless.
We then had other issues arise where I needed to be a carer for someone else. I felt I could no longer pander to his moods and cope with the additional burden placed on me. I presented him with an anxiety questionnaire, asked him to fill it out and gave him the scoring to do himself. I said I did not need to know to know the score but requested he be honest in his answers. He must have scored highly, as he booked a GP appointment, commenced on medication and arranged counselling. His anger levels have reduced significantly which is good. I have a long way to go in working on my feelings of resentment
If your DH will not agree to get help, he sounds like he needs support for his MH, can you live with this forever? Think of the impact on the children. I wish I had, I kept thinking it would get better or it would be worse for them if we split. One of my DC developed MH issues as an adult. I can't help feeling my DH's behaviour has contributed to this, leading to me resenting him further. He has definitely worked on his anger, but maybe left it too late

You should not have to be subject to this abuse. He needs to address it for your sake and the DCs.

AgentJohnson · 04/06/2023 08:58

The issue isn’t finding ways for you to ‘fix’ him because you can’t, only he has the power to address his issues. Your responsibility however, is to limit you and your children’s exposure to the toxicity that is his ‘anger’. It really isn’t fair for you and your kids to be around this level of corrosiveness.

You aren’t powerless.

DyslexicPoster · 04/06/2023 09:04

My dh was moody and angry. He hasn't got a high power job so his mood was disproportionate to his lifestyle. Turned out he was gambling and in debt.

Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 09:16

DyslexicPoster · 04/06/2023 09:04

My dh was moody and angry. He hasn't got a high power job so his mood was disproportionate to his lifestyle. Turned out he was gambling and in debt.

😲 Oh no, I do hope it's not that.

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Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 09:19

Merrydance · 04/06/2023 08:50

Sounds a bit like my DH but he was not directly angry at DC, just me and the world. For years I tried to be supportive due to work stress he was under and ensure he had little to do at home in order to reduce stress. Me and the DC tried to adapt our behaviours to help avoid him being angry. He got a less stressful job, I enabled all the things that he said would make him happier but the anger continued. That is when I became resentful of him and upset about how he marred the DCs childhood and expected me to always be calm.It has damaged our marriage and my respect for him
I had previously asked him to see his GP regarding his MH. He refused saying this was his personality and I should love him regardless.
We then had other issues arise where I needed to be a carer for someone else. I felt I could no longer pander to his moods and cope with the additional burden placed on me. I presented him with an anxiety questionnaire, asked him to fill it out and gave him the scoring to do himself. I said I did not need to know to know the score but requested he be honest in his answers. He must have scored highly, as he booked a GP appointment, commenced on medication and arranged counselling. His anger levels have reduced significantly which is good. I have a long way to go in working on my feelings of resentment
If your DH will not agree to get help, he sounds like he needs support for his MH, can you live with this forever? Think of the impact on the children. I wish I had, I kept thinking it would get better or it would be worse for them if we split. One of my DC developed MH issues as an adult. I can't help feeling my DH's behaviour has contributed to this, leading to me resenting him further. He has definitely worked on his anger, but maybe left it too late

You should not have to be subject to this abuse. He needs to address it for your sake and the DCs.

At the moment he is too angry to talk to. I don’t think I will be able to get past the look on his face and his raging bile, so I'm going to work out how to extricate myself. It keeps replaying in my head and makes me feel physically sick.

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barbarahunter · 04/06/2023 09:24

You poor thing, OP. I had an ex very similar, and, as you say, it was the lack of rationality to his anger that was impossible to deal with. I have every sympathy. I would have thought it was me triggering his behaviour if I had not noticed that he behaved the same way to everyone else too. Then he wondered why he had no friends (!)

If it's not possible to leave now, perhaps begin with the plan making for your (or his) exit. There's a lot of really good advice on here about how to plan for an exit.

Just to add, it was so wonderfully calm when he eventually left.

Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 10:01

barbarahunter · 04/06/2023 09:24

You poor thing, OP. I had an ex very similar, and, as you say, it was the lack of rationality to his anger that was impossible to deal with. I have every sympathy. I would have thought it was me triggering his behaviour if I had not noticed that he behaved the same way to everyone else too. Then he wondered why he had no friends (!)

If it's not possible to leave now, perhaps begin with the plan making for your (or his) exit. There's a lot of really good advice on here about how to plan for an exit.

Just to add, it was so wonderfully calm when he eventually left.

Yes, no friends for my husband either except one that he normally speaks to a couple of times a year. This friend has just split with his long term partner and I suspect he is providing my husband with plenty of justifications to act like this.

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PicnicBunny · 04/06/2023 11:07

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 08:30

I'm planning on this. Because I can't wake up dreading the day every single day. And I've had enough now. Telling me I was weak and pathetic for not asking him when he was already livid at me asking has been the final straw. No more.

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Sounds passive aggressive too? Does he have some underlying deeper issue with you? Some resentment? An argument he wants to have (or a conversation that he needs to have) that he just can’t articulate better.

Bellairen · 04/06/2023 11:35

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP I can very much relate ( and was posting on here a couple of months with very similar questions ...)
It is SO hard getting your head around the chilling/ dead eyes/ contempt looks ....I'm genuinely not sure how you get back to a space of safety and trust from that. ..

My H has been very similar for the past year ...does have high blood pressure ( but hasn't bothered going to GP and a lot of the reason it's high is blamed on/ aimed at me)

I don't have answers ....I wish I did .... I got to the point of seriously planning leaving .... I've not quite worked up the courage yet but at the moment that is feeling like the only option still ...

We barely communicate ...certainly not about anything real ....I either get a clipped " I'm fine" or minimal conversation .... This morning I came back after taking DD and the dog out to walk/ park , didn't even get a hello when we came back in ( I thought he was still asleep) .... No help with anything whilst I wrangle toddler and puppy, put the washing on , then he's literally starting at his phone playing games, then fell asleep on Sofa for 20 mins ( at 11am ...I've been up with the littles since 6am!)

One piece if advice I wish I'd taken when this all first started was not to let it drag on too long or it'll impact you in ways you may not anticipate ...

I feel like even compared to a few months ago I'm a much more lost version of myself ....I feel I'm going through the motions on autopilot and a mix of numb and then absolute fury that he is treating me ( and our family) this way.

I'm not sure what will or can happen in your situation , but please, please don't stay longer than you need to ...🤗

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 11:40

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You can plan your exit here from his inherent misery and anger. He likely also behaves very differently to and around people in the outside world.

shieldmaiden7 · 04/06/2023 11:54

My ex DH was like this. Always blamed it on work or money stress. I got sick to death of him screaming in my face everyday and just not being able to do anything right. I left him eventually and his anger was one of many reasons to walk. Turns out he was having an affair too.

SaxSick · 04/06/2023 12:04

FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:59

I have wondered this but I know everyone at his work and there's just no way it's any of them (for various reasons). Sometimes I think he hates me. The other week I was literally on my knees begging him to stop ranting, telling him I loved him, looking him full in the face and telling him I just wanted a bit of kindness or affection from him. He reluctantly gave me a hug. If he doesn't want to be married to me, WTF doesn't he just say so? Feel like a puppet on a string.

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Sorry I didn't mean it was anyone at work. It was an additional thought as my Ex couldn't cope with not getting a promotion and this also added to the scenario. I recall my son saying "Why is Dad so angry all the time? "

SaxSick · 04/06/2023 12:05

He also started talking about the family not being on "His Team" - i mean ???

SaxSick · 04/06/2023 12:07

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 00:47

It's not an explosive anger, just a quiet rage and if I try to be supportive he then turns his anger onto me. Glares with dead eyes and speaks in this weird clipped way through gritted teeth. And makes it clear that he is just too furious to even speak to me. There is a complete lack of logic. If he does you did X, and I say no I didn't and I can prove it with Y, he just ignores Y and carries on being furious because I did X when there's no way I can have done X.

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Yes - everything will be your fault.

PicnicBunny · 04/06/2023 12:41

I wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of confrontational character in my home all the time. It will change you. Put your foot down and don’t tolerate an inch.

Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 12:44

PicnicBunny · 04/06/2023 11:07

Sounds passive aggressive too? Does he have some underlying deeper issue with you? Some resentment? An argument he wants to have (or a conversation that he needs to have) that he just can’t articulate better.

Show quote history

Yes he does have a whole laundry list of resentments, have posted about thesevbegore: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4801626-husband-says-i-raped-him

Husband says I raped him | Mumsnet

Really in need of some advice. Feeling very vulnerable right now so I'm hoping for some real advice, not to be flamed. Things have been hard in my...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4801626-husband-says-i-raped-him

OP posts:

Original poster

FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 12:46

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 11:40

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You can plan your exit here from his inherent misery and anger. He likely also behaves very differently to and around people in the outside world.

You're right I do have a choice. I'm not going to sacrifice my dignity or integrity because he's not worth it. And my son deserves more than this. I'm going to be Bluebeanbag one day, and live the life we deserve.

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billy1966 · 04/06/2023 12:58

OP, this is absolutely horrifying to read.

Your poor child.

Call Womens aid.

Get away from him.

He sounds dangerous, ugly and unhinged.

With only one child, there must be some options.

AnyaMarx · 04/06/2023 17:53

Op - whatever the reason for the anger- does it really matter?

He is a ball 🏀 f rage and resentment and it's affecting you .

I was in a similar situation once - the more I tried the more he seemed to hate me . Every word he spoke was laced with simmering hatred and resentment. Everything I did was wrong . I tip toed about on egg shells but my very existence offended him - there was nothing I could do .

You need to leave . It won't get better. It will chip away at you and strip you of every shred of confidence you have .
Make arrangements to split . Who owns the house ?
Are you married ?
I'd start with a divorce lawyer.

EarthSight · 04/06/2023 17:54

The most basic step he has to take is to show an interest in his own health, emotions and you as a family of course and its effect on you.

Some people quite like being angry at the world all the time because it puts them in a superior position to everyone else - everyone else is shit or against them in some way. If you gave them a choice and said we can make your life happier with no downsides....they actually wouldn't take it because by holding on to that anger, they get to continue to indulge in the fantasy that they are the victim all the time.

If he shows no interest.....then he is beyond changing I'm afraid.