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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband angry all the time

98 replies

FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:04

Any advice mumsnetters? My husband seems to be permanently angry. At me. At our dc. At his colleagues at work. At his mum. So fed up with it. Am wondering if this is a sign of a mid life crisis? Does anyone have any tips to make life easier other than LTB?!!

OP posts:
SaxSick · 03/06/2023 22:06

When my ex H was angry all the time he was having an affair. How is he with his work?

dudsville · 03/06/2023 22:07

Any chance he my ex?! I actually told him one day "you simply can't be angry all the time, it's not OK, and anyway it loses its meaning"!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2023 22:08

Do not allow your children to grow up in an angry household. It is so, so damaging.

Tell your husband he either gets help and gets a fucking grip or he can go. Absolutely refuse to live this way.

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/06/2023 22:08

Do you / he get any time out? Sometimes that can help.

Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:11

He spends a lot of time playing shooter type games on his phone. I'm just worried as it seems to be getting worse. He's convinced himself that his employers are out to get him, although from what I can see there is only a problem with one colleague, and his boss seems to be fairly supportive.

OP posts:
PicnicBunny · 03/06/2023 22:12

Was he always like this? Dh used to get like this when he was seriously stressed at work, customers, partner… and he’d be in a huff and ratty with me. I think I didn’t realise when we first got together and we’d end up arguing before- until we had kids and I refused point blank to have his moody arse around ds and me. He hadn’t realised he was doing it.

It was always someone bullying him at work, or something else going on that he hadn’t even realised. I told him to regulate his f* moods and not bring us all down. It’s been a while since he’s been moody.

ArseMenagerie · 03/06/2023 22:14

You can’t change his behaviour. You can encourage counselling and model cheerfulness and warmth. But… honestly my heart sinks for you a bit. Who wants their one life brought down by a grumpy bastard? Not good for the kids either.

Mayhemmumma · 03/06/2023 22:37

Only think that helped for me was to call him out on it every time, at the time and the next day/afterwards- saying that wasn't ok, we don't like that, you scared us etc etc kids started to do this too - and whilst that was awful it was also powerful because they won't accept it - we had a year of hell with DHs anger - there were lots of reasons for it but it was horrendous. If it started up again I would have to leave a 22 year relationship, loose our home and break kids hearts but I would have to because it was too much to live with.

AlienSupaStar · 03/06/2023 22:39

Watching with great interest.

GremlinDolphin4 · 03/06/2023 22:43

I had one of these, it just got worse and we tried really hard to get to the bottom of it. Now my ex, house is happy respectful and calm once more. Sorry but knowing what I know now I’d LTB. Look after yourself. Xxxx

Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:56

He's just got the hump with our regular babysitter. And fired her. Dc will be devastated and I'm not sure we will find a replacement as cheap as this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:59

SaxSick · 03/06/2023 22:06

When my ex H was angry all the time he was having an affair. How is he with his work?

I have wondered this but I know everyone at his work and there's just no way it's any of them (for various reasons). Sometimes I think he hates me. The other week I was literally on my knees begging him to stop ranting, telling him I loved him, looking him full in the face and telling him I just wanted a bit of kindness or affection from him. He reluctantly gave me a hug. If he doesn't want to be married to me, WTF doesn't he just say so? Feel like a puppet on a string.

OP posts:
mommatoone · 03/06/2023 23:07

OP , your previous comment stood out to me. Playing 'shooter type games' he thinks employers are out to get him? Why, what does he mean by this? He sounds paranoid and a little erratic.

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:21

Has he always been like this? I'm wondering if this really is a change, or if it's just who he is and always has been that way....but he kept his anger at bay at the beginning of your relationship or the excitement of it was enough to lift his mood and now he's back to his regular self.

Some people are just really neurotic, and some of then like that about themselves and wallow in their anger or grumpiness.

Your relationship issues sound pretty serious. I hope you have support and people to talk to in real life, because even though you don't want to leave him, it may come to that.

Ilovetea42 · 03/06/2023 23:28

I think it depends on how paranoid you think he is. Is he taking any substances that you know of or does he have history for that?

Going on the assumption that he's genuinely just stressed with work, when my dh went through a rough patch like that I waited until he kicked off in the house and then I kicked him out to walk it off. When he came back I sat him down and just pointed out what I was seeing and explained that it's ok to be stressed it's ok to be angry but it's not OK to make everyone around you feel the brunt of it so he had to find a way to manage that anger or we'd need to rethink the relationship. He started going to a football club aimed at promoting men's mental wellbeing and honestly that outlet to blow off steam once a week was exactly what he needed plus the wake up that he needed to take responsibility for himself. Could you pick your moment and try something like that? I'd send him to the gp because he could be depressed.

I know you say it seems to be only one colleague he struggles with but one person can make work very toxic when you spend most of your week there.

Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 23:47

mommatoone · 03/06/2023 23:07

OP , your previous comment stood out to me. Playing 'shooter type games' he thinks employers are out to get him? Why, what does he mean by this? He sounds paranoid and a little erratic.

He thinks that his colleagues are dobbing him in to his boss over the quality of his work. That they don't really want him there. And that he feels he's lower down the hierarchy than he should be.
From what he's told me, I do think he's overreacting and being rude which is then really causing problems.
I've just read the Mind page about paranoia, some of it possibly fits but I don't know.

OP posts:
intothegreek · 03/06/2023 23:48

He sounds stoned or unwell. Either way he needs help, and if he's not going to get it, the writing is on the wall. You can't live life on your knees begging for a reprieve. It's not normal or acceptable. And it doesn't sound like you're the problem!

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 03/06/2023 23:55

Sounds very familiar. I would get him to a doctor and see if they will prescribe something for anxiety.

Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 00:02

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:21

Has he always been like this? I'm wondering if this really is a change, or if it's just who he is and always has been that way....but he kept his anger at bay at the beginning of your relationship or the excitement of it was enough to lift his mood and now he's back to his regular self.

Some people are just really neurotic, and some of then like that about themselves and wallow in their anger or grumpiness.

Your relationship issues sound pretty serious. I hope you have support and people to talk to in real life, because even though you don't want to leave him, it may come to that.

He hasn't always been like this, it seems to have been since he quit smoking. Can this cause anger?

OP posts:
Thatladdo · 04/06/2023 00:02

Hows his blood pressure?
When mine was high I was like a raging bull.

Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 00:03

Ilovetea42 · 03/06/2023 23:28

I think it depends on how paranoid you think he is. Is he taking any substances that you know of or does he have history for that?

Going on the assumption that he's genuinely just stressed with work, when my dh went through a rough patch like that I waited until he kicked off in the house and then I kicked him out to walk it off. When he came back I sat him down and just pointed out what I was seeing and explained that it's ok to be stressed it's ok to be angry but it's not OK to make everyone around you feel the brunt of it so he had to find a way to manage that anger or we'd need to rethink the relationship. He started going to a football club aimed at promoting men's mental wellbeing and honestly that outlet to blow off steam once a week was exactly what he needed plus the wake up that he needed to take responsibility for himself. Could you pick your moment and try something like that? I'd send him to the gp because he could be depressed.

I know you say it seems to be only one colleague he struggles with but one person can make work very toxic when you spend most of your week there.

He doesn't take any kind of substances and barely drinks.
And he only really spends a couple of hours a week within this person's radius.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 00:05

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 03/06/2023 23:55

Sounds very familiar. I would get him to a doctor and see if they will prescribe something for anxiety.

This is helpful, other members of his family have anxiety problems.
And he's just told me he's still angry and that he's been sat thinking about it for the last few hours. Or ruminating on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 00:06

Thatladdo · 04/06/2023 00:02

Hows his blood pressure?
When mine was high I was like a raging bull.

Ah, see he did have a high blood pressure reading about a month back. Didn't know that anger could be a side effect.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLowLowLow · 04/06/2023 00:07

Am thinking I need to get him to the doctor. But how? He's still furious and feels that because I tried to stop him sending the babysitter a message that I was somehow defending her. Which I wasn't.

OP posts:
Thatladdo · 04/06/2023 00:08

how old is he and when was he last at the doctors
You could buy one and check yourself

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