Husband angry all the time

[FeelingLowLowLow]

Any advice mumsnetters? My husband seems to be permanently angry. At me. At our dc. At his colleagues at work. At his mum. So fed up with it. Am wondering if this is a sign of a mid life crisis? Does anyone have any tips to make life easier other than LTB?!!

He's 43, hasn't been to the doctors for years as far as I know.

We have a thingy. He's been exercising because both numbers were too high.

how high?
Needs a doctor really, or he could end up having a stroke or heart attack.
Or a criminal conviction/divorce 😆

I can't remember exactly possibly 142 over 98?

Im not giving medical advice obviously but mine was quite a way higher than that when i experienced it, bad heads also?

My (now ex) anger got worse over the years. Turned out he had been going with prostitutes. No-one knew. He broke down sobbing, I threw him out. My home is now a much calmer happier environment, just me and my son. Hope you get to the bottom of it. No one deserves this level of abuse. You may have to ditch him.

Not that I know of.
He did quit smoking six months ago.
I think what's frightening is the level of anger. He literally looks at me like he wishes I'd just drop down dead. And when I said do you wish I was dead, he said that depends, when I said what on? He said on whether you support me. I'd already said I supported him. He has dead eyes.

We've been together 15 years, I want to help him if possible because this is not him.

This is quite worrying op. No way should a normal caring partner say anything other than no to "do you wish I was dead".

I would consider relationship counselling. If he won't go consider just going to speak to someone yourself and get an impartial viewpoint.

And think about how many years of your life you want to spend like this. I grew up with an angry dad and it's horrible and does have a lasting effect.

Sending hugs.

Thank you. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting.

It's not an explosive anger, just a quiet rage and if I try to be supportive he then turns his anger onto me. Glares with dead eyes and speaks in this weird clipped way through gritted teeth. And makes it clear that he is just too furious to even speak to me. There is a complete lack of logic. If he does you did X, and I say no I didn't and I can prove it with Y, he just ignores Y and carries on being furious because I did X when there's no way I can have done X.

You say he's recently quit smoking. My mum once told me it took her close friend and colleague 2 years to stop being a massive bitch after she quit and it nearly cost her her job and her marriage but they got through.

This was a long long time ago. I'm not suggesting you tolerate it or this it definitely is the reason, it just reminded me.

Vitamin D deficiency can also make you really grumpy and irritable.

Ultimately though you need to have a line of what you can/will/should tolerate.

That type of quiet rage is so eerie, especially knowing he can misplace his anger and direct it at you.

Would it really make a difference as to why he was directing his anger at you or why he was cruel to you?

I know you're scared and suffer from low self-esteem. However you need to be your friend right now even if/when those bouts of self-loathing come.

Tell the truth to safe people IRL. Some will believe and support you, some may not. Do not keep this a secret seeing as you're already on your knees.

LTB seems like this huge and massive goal right now.

So get some sleep when you can. Enjoy those nice moments with him when he's in the good guy mode. You don't have to hate him. Keep calm and advocate for yourself when you can, don't keep his sordid secrets to yourself.

This is very hard. If I could just snap my fingers and help you LTB, I would. Still, talk to someone IRL about this. Enjoy the good times when they come but be rational and seek support.

You don't have to do it all at once. But don't keep this a secret, hun. We're here for you x

This seems like an inner rage that is going to explode. He does not seem to be listening to reason. For your safety you need to not be living together right now. I am being serious.

First thing I thought was high blood pressure

Thank you. I needed a hug. Trying to sleep (he's on the sofa).

Thank you for being so kind. I think he is looking for any excuse to be angry at me. He won't say he wants out, but I think he sees me as a weak pathetic piece of poo and I worry about how vengeful he's going to be if I try and leave.

I have no way of leaving for so many reasons.

I do think this has something to do with it. He's been like a different person ever since.

Any grown up who plays shoot-up games on their mobile phone to the extent it makes them angry is quite frankly worthy of binning. A real turn-off.

The reasons you have are probably not actual reasons. There are women on here who have ended up leaving abusive men under some tremendously challenging circumstances, but have gone on to survive and thrive without low life dragging them down.

Maybe think about whether your reasons are just barriers you've put in the way artificially to stop you making a good decision.

Even if you can't leave immediately you can start to plan and execute your exit strategy over time.

Even if you can't leave immediately you can start to plan and execute your exit strategy over time.

I agree with this. And also, get counselling for yourself. Not with him. He will just manipulate it to make you out to be the problem. You are NOT!

Get your own bank account if you do not have one etc. Different bank to his and yours combined. And get copies of his pay-slips/pension etc. Hide it all.

By the way, I still smoke but my sisters gave up years ago. None of those situations you're dealing with happened to them.

He sounds like he has severe depression and/or perhaps a paranoid personality disorder. He is dangerous and needs medication. You need to get him to the GP and get him started on medication, tell him otherwise your marriage is over.

FeelingLow

re your comment:
"I want to help him if possible because this is not him".

You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. You are not his fixer either. He is not indicating that he wants your help and or support here; this man won't even go to the GP. He is doing this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He's already got rid of your babysitter; what else is he going to do?. In the meantime your kids and you continue to walk around on eggshells in some vain attempt as not to set him off. This is dangerous for you all because he remains volatile.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. DO not do any form of joint counselling with him but instead go on your own. You need to be able to talk in a calm and safe environment.

I would tell him to go to his parents home; you need time and space away from him. Your kids and you need a calm home; not one akin to a warzone.